Ahem. HO. HO. HO. Ah, yes, the Trek BBS, literature forum. Should not that be the Trek BS, as surely the foul excrement of dull-eyed sub-sapient stock is a description equally applicable to the contents of your members’ posts as to the word I have just abbreviated? Your colour scheme, I will also note, resembles nothing so much as the expelled stomach contents of a diseased Bolian. Courtesies aside, I bring you seasonal greetings. Yes, it is I, Lieutenant Commander Tev, in contact from the USS da Vinci. No doubt you have heard of me, and likely read my papers in the scientific literature. I will answer your queries and explain the more complex terminology at a later point. We of the da Vinci are currently involved in a troublesome and unusual situation. No, it is not in fact a crazy Vorta, although naturally that was our first assumption. We were returning to Earth for resupply when we picked up a most unusual distress call. The source: an engineering marvel, a starship of unparalleled power and elegant design, drifting in the Sol System’s Oort cloud. Its Selelvian crewmembers claimed to be in the employ of an extra-Federal authority by the name of “Santa”. We have no records of this being (save a report from Captain Calhoun on the Excalibur, who claims to have met him and also be raising his son or some such nonsense, but I discount anything Calhoun says on principle; unreliable man). Nonetheless, we quickly ascertained that the situation was serious. This Santa character has been involving himself in the affairs of your species for many centuries, with the knowing assistance of gullible Humans, who revere him as a benevolent and generous bringer of gifts. One would think that you had learned something from the Xindi’s example, but apparently such insight is beyond you. It appears to both my expert judgement and the opinions of my crewmates that “Santa” travels outside of the usual flow of time. The DTI thus suspects that a new front has opened in the Temporal Cold War, but your clearance does not allow me to say more on the subject. Naturally, I have greater access to the inner workings of the Federation than you, a consequence of my command acumen and natural administrative abilities. In short, the mission of this strange vessel must be carried out prior to the advent of the morning of December 25th, or the consequences will be dire. As such, I have ably, albeit temporarily, assumed command - both of this vessel and of the Christmas holiday. Utilizing my technical brilliance, and with the adequate assistance of my da Vinci crewmates, I have assembled a sensor array calibrated to measure precisely the temporal karma accumulated by each Human individual over the course of the previous Terran year. As such, I am now able to accurately, and with unprecedented precision, judge precisely how each of you rates on a scale of Naughty to Nice. My readings are heavily skewed toward the Naughty, yet I have orders to distribute parcels to a surprising number of you. This “Santa” figure has, I judge, been lax in his duty. Leniency and inefficiency serve no-one. Nonetheless, Ambassador Marshall has been particularly excitable over the potential diplomatic consequences should the gifts not be delivered as expected. As such, we aboard da Vinci have been ordered to distribute the parcels with haste, in accordance with the twisted temporal logic of this vessel. We suspect Androssi interference, as the multiple parcels, surely too numerous to be carried simultaneously inside this small craft, currently read in Dimension Seven, which may also explain the capacity of this vessel to bypass all security measures in delivering its payload. Mr. Stevens belatedly informed me that "Santa" has written a list to expedite delivery. I have assigned him to an extra work shift for this oversight. Naturally, we require all of you to get into the spirit of this tiresome “Christmas”. I have certainly done so. Christmas music has been playing incessantly throughout the ship. Some of this, to my surprise, is in fact tolerable. I particularly appreciate the Fairytale of New York, for its frequent Civil tone and charming insults. Nonetheless, I must correct you on several misconceptions. In I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday (a potential violation of the Temporal Accords which Lucsly and Dulmur are grimly investigating as we speak) the Snowman does not bring the snow; in actuality snowmen are constructed of snow, and unless you postulate some form of paradox - and getting the DTI involved in this as well complicates my job further - this precludes their bringing it to begin with. This is basic physics. Further, and with all due respect to a venerable officer whom I admire, the very idea that Captain Gold could possess the skill and engineering knowhow to construct a single Kharzh’ullan ring, yet alone five, is ludicrous. I have petitioned Councillor Gleer to demand an overhaul of the Christmas musical tradition, and I expect his detailed and extensive proclamation of the subject at the next session of the Federation Council. I must soon end this transmission, as duty beckons. I would remind all forum members that current orders from the admiralty are to engage in seasonal cheer and goodwill toward all. As such, I expect to see some truly magnificent insults and excessive complaining over the course of the next 24 hours. I must now sign off, as I have received new navigational data from crewman Blue. As you are likely aware, all of the other Nasat used to laugh and call her names, shunning her participation in typical Nasat activities. Until one night, in which her mutation enabled her to salvage the situation and earned her a place in history. Naturally, her accomplishments are likely less notable than my own. Your expected parcels will be delivered shortly. Your further cooperation is expected. Merry Christmas, and to all a good night.