Okay, I'm game, though I hope you won't mind my blabbing about myself again!
How might the people who cared about you mourn your passing? Would it be a big funeral, or a small affair? Would you want them to leave a modest tribute in your honour, or a gigantic monument justifying the great person you are? Or would you rather not have any form of marking of your death?
I hope I did some good, I hope those who knew me personally will remember me well. I'm not at all good at the whole self-esteem business, so I hopefully tend to underestimate the degree to which others seem to approve of me. Mostly, I just want my life to have been worthwhile; to know that I helped and served humanity and this planet in any small way I could. I have faith that I have, in my own way, but if it is enough to justify my life overall I don't know. I fear oftentimes that through a combination of my own faults and those of others in how they treated me, my life has been shifted towards the negative side of the overall balance. You see, I believe (and communicating this isn't easy, so forgive me if it sounds silly) in a collective humanity, a shared "well" of energy and feeling and spirituality every body and mind draws from or is connected to, and I want my "contribution", the ripples of my feelings and thoughts and observations and memories, to have given more peace and joy than pain. It's one reason why I'm known among my friends for my sense of humour (I'm not sure it always communicates well here, since much of it depends on knowing me, the look in my eyes, my voice, etc). I hope they'll remember how I made them laugh.
As for memorials, something slight. I have at present no spouse or children, so should I die tomorrow there is no need for anything more than a quiet funeral, a respectful goodbye and a small marker somewhere.
How might people remember you as a person once you were dead? Would they think ill of you? What bits of your life would you want to have remembered for eternity after you had shuffled off your mortal coil? Would, indeed, there be anyone to remember you at all?
I like to think that when those who knew me think of me from time to time (apparently those who knew me but have lost regular contact do this already, because during the odd renewed-contact moments they say so, seemingly quite genuinely) they remember someone who tried his best to help, to serve, to make them laugh, and who cared for them.
To be honest, my biggest hope here is that they understand my feelings for them. A sense of loyalty and appreciation and friendship comes easily to me (in all seriousness, if I have contact of any extent with someone, I end up with a loyal "attraction" to them, which I don't think people always understand. Even if I argue with them extensively, I appreciate my contact with them more than they perhaps know). I just hope they understand they meant something to me.
Would you, indeed, want to die right now? Have you a lot to live for still? Or have you achieved everything you want to do and are ready to join the Choir Invisible™? Do you regret your life, and would you want to live your life all over again?
Well, I have a rather odd view of things in that I sort of consider myself already "dead" in a way. What I mean is, while my body and mind and so on are all still working fine (I hope
), there's a certain...vitality...that I lost. I nearly killed myself at age 12, and around this time also I had a very, very vivid dream of death which I now think was symbolic of an actual "death". There's a part of me that isn't there any more....Do I want to die? No, no I don't seek death, it wasn't my will to live that was lost, nor was it a means to enjoying myself. But some manner of drive or vitality that most people seem to draw upon is missing from me now. I'm very sensitive to the workings of my body and various forms of energy, and I can feel the absence, like a hollow or a drain, a "missing piece" in my, well, my spirit I guess, though I'm not sure the word is accurate. Maybe that piece will come back if I find myself in the right situation. The thing is, most of those things that I consider life worthy for were taken from me before I was old enough to comprehend them, and their possibility of return rendered quite slight. Really I consider my reason for living to be my future children. I've mentioned before I hope for a son in particular. Hopefully I can succeed with him where there was failure with me, and try to set up for him what I feel was taken from me.
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