I think I'm in love with my best friend!

[Robert Maxwell]

Man, if people wanna keep shit private, their first course of action would be not post it on the fucking Interweb.

 

[Scout101]

well, starting a thread with "I want to screw my mildly-retarded cousin" (his description at the time) isn't a good way to ensure your life stays private.

Adding more details to every sexual experience involving a relative, team of dudes, or a guy in a van, doesn't help matters

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Hey, if he don't mind postin' it, I don't mind readin' it.

 

[sidious618]

While we're waiting let's look back at one of MadBaggins' most insane posts:

Anyway, here is my last update. It has been fun posting with some of you. Here's what went down yesterday...

So Thames and I went to the wrestling school for some advanced training. We are the stars of the class. It was good. Teach (who is not such a bad guy now that I get to know him) said that, even though he shouldn't really do it, he'd show me and Thames how to execute a shoot (that means it's REAL) chokehold that can end any fight. This information will be important later in the post. He showed us the hold and we both nodded respectfully.

We left and I invited Thames to come back to my place to play some Wii since there wasn't going to be anyone home, but he said he had a hot date. I was surprised because he's hopeless with women and hopeless in bed but he said all will become clear and he might come by with her later and introduce me to her. I shrugged and let him go on his way.

I went home and decided that, maybe, I should make one last effort to put things right with my aunt. It wasn't the thought of getting the money (well, okay, that was in there too lol) I just felt tired of all the bullshit in my life and wanted to put things right. I typed out a big long letter basically confessing ALL my sins: sleeping with my cousin, stealing her book, giving her a stunner, so many things. Even as I typed them down I didn't feel all that guilty because I was a victim of circumstances so I deleted the email afterwards rather than send it and I was proud of myself for doing so. Then I read Lost spoilers for a while (I can't believe Hurly kills Sawyer!) and fell asleep at the computer.

I woke up to find my mom's boyfriend standing over me. I was confused because he and mom were supposed to be out, but he told me she'd be home soon and asked what I was doing. I said nothing, just dreaming. He smiled and said like how I dream of a round the world trip (I told him about it.) I said yeah. Then he said this...

"Maybe that dream can come true."
"What?" I said.
"Maybe I can make it come true. I have money, more money than I need. It would make me happy to make you happy."
"I can't believe this! You'd do that for me?"
"Sure...if you do something for me."

It was at this point that he unbuttoned his pants.

I was shocked. Not just by the size of it, but by the action. He wanted me to give him a blowjob for money!? I couldn't believe it and said so.

"It's true," he said. "As soon as I saw you, I wanted you. I'm not even gay. But I want you. Just let me have you, once. Nobody will ever know. Then you'll have all the money you need. Just one time, for all times. I'll be gentle. I'll be tender. Like I am with mom."

I'm ashamed to admit that I considered it for about five seconds. For a heterosexual considering gay sex that is almost an eternity.

"Come on, give me what I want," he said. "I know you're a sick little fuck, I've seen some of the images you have saved on your computer, I've heard you moan your slut cousin's name while you wank, I know you wrestle with that muscular negro kid, you'd do anything!"

That's when I snapped. How dare he be borderline racist about Thames! I took a swing at him. He easily deflected it and punched me in the face. It hurt like Hell. But I thought back to class, thought back to what Teach had said. I ducked behind him and put him in the shoot chokehold. I woudn't let go. I held him in it until we were down on the ground. His pants were still down. I kept choking. Then I realise that he could die if I didn't let go, so I did, just for a moment. I rolled him onto his back and looked into his eyes. He was still alive, but struggling to breathe.

I thought about how much I had liked this man, how much I had wanted him to be my new dad. I thought about how life has been shitting on me lately: my aunt hold back the money, the false assault charges I nearly faced, my cousin dating Batboy against my wishes, Red being a cockatease, Squiggy overusing the phrased "GOODWINNED!" I thought about it all...and I let it all pour into my fists. I pounded and pound his face. He had been left defenceless by the choke. I kept hitting and hitting. Then I felt someone leaning over my shoulder. It was my mother, she had come home and was wondering what the hell was going on. But I didn't know that. I was in a rage and I reacted out of instinct. She was in perfect position for it.

I reached up and drilled her with a Stone Cold Stunner. I heard something snap.

I then saw it was my mom, now lying next to her boyfriend, both lifeless. I felt oddly calm. I walked over to the computer and closed down the window with the Lost spoilers which I had left open. I then decided that all I could do now was to run.

Then someone knocked the door. I went and answered. What else could I do?

It was Thames, Red, Batgirl, Batboy, Kate (wearing a bin-liner dress) and my cousin.

"What are you all doing here?" I asked. Thames smiled his winning smile.
"We're here...for an ORGY!" he said. I could not believe it. He explained. He said he'd been angry at me and had went to Red behind my back in one last attempt to win her over. He'd told her about me and my cousin and the incest.

But it had turned Red on. She had proposed the orgy. She said she wanted to lose her virginity in the sickest way possible, as she is a Satanist. Thames went to my cousin and asked her to join. She went to Batboy. Turns out him and Batgirl have been into incest too all along. And the found Kate shooting up marijuana behind some bins on the way over.

They wanted to come inside. Of course I couldn't let tht happened because of the two dead bodies in the front room. So I propsed an orgy in the garden.

"YES, YES!" said Red. "UNDER THE BLOOD RED MOON OF OSIRIS! WE SHALL CONSORT AS ANIMALS IN THE WILD! SATAN WILL BE BEST PLEASED! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Well, quite," I said.

We went into the garden and we began the most enjoyable few minutes of sex of my life. We were wild. We were animal-like indeed. I went straight for Batboy. Perhaps it was the incident with my mom's boyfriend that had given me the idea. But I suddenly thirsted for cock. Sadly, I never go the chance.

It was just as I was about to taste his manhood the police arrived. They said there had been a report of sounds of violence from my house. Now they were looking upon an orgy.

I ran off into the night. I even shoved my cousin into the hands of a cop to get away. I didn't care. I laughed as I ran. I wanted to kill again. The cops came after me, but I jumped a fence and kept going. I reached Matthew's place. He was lying unconscious on his couch with a needle by his arm. I didn't care if he was alive or dead. I found his laltop, logged onto TrekBBS...

AND THEN I WOKE UP!!!!!!!!!!1

That's right! IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!!!! LOL! Everything from when I fell asleep after reading the Lost spoilers was a DREAM I had! None of it happend! Of course it didn't! DUH! And you know what else?

I'M LYING AGAIN! THAT WASN'T MY DREAM AT ALL! My real dream was me and Hayley from Paramore having a lightsabre fight on the moon then making out! I just MADE all that shit up about kiling my mom and boyfriend and orgy! ALL OF IT! NOT EVEN A REAL DREAM! And you know why?

TO WASTE YOUR TIME! LOL YOU READ ALL THAT! PWNT! GOODWIN'D! I'm never giving details of my life again. NEVER. ONLY in a blog where I can make money from the page views by people who claim not to enjoy it but keep reading anyway. ONLY THERE! See you in the funny pages!

 

[Trekker4747]

^^^^ Wow! It's a filler rerun!

Curses, an update!

I'm in Florida for the STS-128 launch. Trekker will serve as acting Squiggy until I get home Tuesday afternoon.

Sorry I wasn't able to fill-in for you, Squiggy. I was out of town myself this weekend on business.

But here goes:

Alicia emailed over the script for her movie. It was VERY GOOD.

Yeah, that's your dick talking.

Definitely the best thing of hers I've ever read.

Consider you've read all of two things of hers you'l excuse me if I don't take this statement as much praise on her writing merits.

But there was one problem: my character hardly had anything to do! Me and the other stoner character aren't even in most of the scenes, and when we ARE in it we hardly say anything,

How dare she not take her amature script that is being produced by a company willing to give an unpublished woman a budget to make a movie and make you the star?!

we just look around confused

I know this will be a stretch for you.

and at one point I throw up over a cat!

Again, not much of a stretch.

This is NOT a good use of me and I was so mad I wrote an angry email to Alicia, but then calmed down because I knew this was the kind of rash thing the OLD me would have done, and deleted it. I had a lucky escape there.

People who're going to be tertiary characters in a movie with this paticular type of production set-up don't have much weight to throw around to fire off angry emails to script writers/movie directors/moive producers. Really, you should have your agent do it.

But I'm still angry.

MADBAGGINS SMASH!!!!

I decided to start rewriting parts of her script to give the stoners more to do.

You've even less screenwriting experience than she has. Which says a lot.

This took about six hours...

You rewrote a feature-length script in six hours? Did you adapt The Bible?

I've seen it happen to Trekker and Jayson a lot and even to me to a much smaller extent.

Eh. I put myself out there.

But I've hardly left the house since I got home.

Par for the course for a Trekkie.

Maybe it's because of the Thames thing.

Your thirst for his genetic contributions to the species? Yeah, I think I can see how that'd make one stay in the house.

Maybe missing the freedom of the van.

Yeah. Morotized vechiles offer such great freedom. Thank you, Henry Ford!

Maybe because of all the crazy stuff I've done here and not wanting to face it.

Better late than never.

Maybe just depression at the state of the world (can you believe Scotland let the man who blew up a town out of prison?)

The world is virtualy the same as it was a few months ago when the last "season" ended.

She insisted I leave the house for some fresh air, so I finally did it, even though I was only wearing socks and not shoes. I though I should go back for my shoes after about am minute, but then some kids were riding past. I panicked and hid behind a shrub. Then I turned and ran home and got my shoes. I felt so messed up.

Sigh. Baggins, Baggins, Baggins....

Then I walked toward's my ex's hosue.

Brilliant.

I know I shouldn't have, but I just wanted to see Chuck and Lisa, to see how they've grown.

Yeah, kids grow-up and change so much in six months.

There was no one home. I went ruond the back and tried to find the key she usually left under a flower pot,

So your ex lives in a sitcom or poorly written movie?

but it wasn't there. I guess she doesn't even trust me now.

Or she doesn't trust society and the oldest trick in the book for key hiding.

I looked in the back window and could feel tears in my eyes.

Capsaicin-based window cleaner will do that.

Then a mad though took me,

Mad tough?

to run for Thames for comfort, now that I was out of the house.

Run to him! Run to him like the wind and he can carry you over between the commercial-sized mixer and the employee entrance proped open with a milk crate like a ghetto-version of An Officer and a Gentleman.

I could feel myself being physically pulled in this direction. But instead I turned and ran home.

Thames is using his tractor beam on you!

I nearly knocked a kid off his bike as I did.

Classic.

I'm not going out again until I complete this script!

Wait! I thought you already did finish it!

It is my new goal in life.

Goal #457 for you.

I WILL make it great and I WILL make Alicia admit it's great. Then the movie will be made and I will have done something worthwhile again.

Worthwhile.

Do all of this, which you won't, and you would have done something worthwhile. To do something "worthwhile again" one would of had to done something worthwhile in the first place.

Orgies with hairy stoned dudes and your cousin in the living room of a single mother of two kids while they off visiting a dying grandmother doesn't count as "worthwhile."

 

[Guartho]

But there was one problem: my character hardly had anything to do! Me and the other stoner character aren't even in most of the scenes, and when we ARE in it we hardly say anything,

Good thing you deleted that e-mail. She could be setting you up as the next Jay and Silent Bob. You don't want to screw-up that meal ticket. Can you imagine Jason Mewes having any gainful employment at all doing anything but playing Jay?

 

[MadBaggins]

can't talk much right now

mom is standing over me

will be brief

haven't been sleeping lately

been worrying

even when i was posting here

didn't want to let on

because i didn't know how you would react

make fun of me sometimes

didn't say

got worse

after last post

was up all night working on script

completely rewrote it

changed it a lot and it was bad of me

phoned alicia at 5 am to apologise

aunt got mad

locked myself in my room for 18 hours

tried to sleep after that

sleepwalked

outside

mom worried

about my mental health

can't say anything about thames she might look

but ther'es someone here to talk to me

be back when i can

i love you all

bye

 

[MadBaggins]

i am not mentally ill

i will admit nothing to this person

i have to go now

did i hit reply before

yes

sorry

i need an avatar

 

[MadBaggins]

just need some sleep is what i meant to say

it's hard to adjust to not being in the van

it will be okay soon

mom is pulling my arm

bye


FIZZZ FIZZ Z FIFIFIFIF FI FIIFIFIFI IFZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz









the man isn't here yet that was a salesman oh wait here is the man i won't give him a stunner don't worry lol i can laugh atm yslef

at myslef

AT MYSELF

AT MAYUSLE

wait

at myself

thames is hot


I DIDN'T MEAN THAT ABOUT THAMES I JUST WROTE IT TO GIVE SQUIGGY A THIRLL WOOOOOOO RIC FLAIR

 

[Scout101]

Haikus are supposed to be a lot shorter than that, might want to look into that...

 

[MadBaggins]

i thought i made four posts but it was just THREEE?

how many are against the rules

anywy the man is here now

he's black

 

[MadBaggins]

mister donkey kong knig for no reason wtf does thea tmean

bye i have to really go and talk now hope i don't fall asleepee that would b e ironcical1!

 

[SinglePurpose]

I think MadBaggins is now writing his posts so that they can be easily adapted to Twitter.

 

[Trekker4747]

I think he's posting on some shitty generic Blackberry.

Like a Boysenberry or something.

 

[TheGodBen]

Wow, there was so many false endings to that episode. It was like that trippy episode of Futurama about Leela and the space bees, although I'm not sure which one was more painfully unfunny.

 

[James Bond]

Worst...Episode...Ever

 

[Kommander]

First: What the fuck just happened?

Second:

Haikus are supposed to be a lot shorter than that, might want to look into that...

Funniest thing I've read/seen today.

Third: Seriously, what just happened?

Forth: MadBaggins, you and El Thamesador should just get down to the buttsex already. Your above insane ramblings make that clear. You need some Thamesarama lovin'. Trust me, I'm a professional psychiatrist.*

Fifth: Whoever tagged this thread with "unfunnysquiggyposts" is full of lies and untruth.

* Kommander is not a "professional" anything.

 

[Middle Earther]

Well, that was disappointing....sorta like Palin's resignation speech.

 

[Australis]

So... who is this new black guy? Is he actually there?

Why is his mother standing over him? Who is the midnight visitor? Why the brief posts?

Maybe we should change his name to ReallyMadBaggins? CrazyBaggins? LoopyBaggins?

MadBaggins... At The Mountains of Madness!!

 

[Robert Maxwell]

What the fuck is going on here?