I have a wedding etiquette question

[Hunter X]

Sorry, this one's gonna be boring.

We had to find a musician on short notice due to the previously arranged one not being able to be in the same country on our wedding day. The new musician is a friend of our Maid of Honour's, but we don't know him at all. We've met with him, arranged songs, arranged payment, it's all gone fine. He seems like a nice guy who will do a good job.

We didn't, however, think to invite him to the reception. Maybe that was an oversight. My thinking at the time was that we don't know him, we're paying him, it's a job. There isn't anyone he could sit with that he knows...I honestly wouldn't think that anyone would really want to go to the wedding reception with a bunch of people he doesn't know (aside from the MoH and her boyfriend). That'd just be boring. Aside from the free meal, that is.

Thing is, he's apparently assumed that he is invited and is planning on showing up as a guest at the reception too. Is this weird? Should we have invited him on top of paying him, since he's doing this on short notice as a favor for a friend of a friend? Should we tell him as nicely as possible that we don't really have room at the reception and we're sorry for any miscommunication?

We're not upset or anything and we just don't want to be rude to the guy. Like I said, he's doing us a favor.

I can't wait for this whole wedding thing to be over and done with.

 

[Finn]

I don't think you were obligated to invite him (unless he is going out of his way like with a busy schedule or travelling to be at the ceremony) but I'm curious how he assumed he was invited. Did someone say something that suggested to him that he could come to the reception?

 

[Maestro]

We musicians are a weird lot. Sometimes we honestly think we get an automatic invite to the reception, and then other times we're completely weirded out when we get actually invited.

So, here's the way I look at your situation... No, you have no obligation to invite him, and if he thinks he's on the list, you best discuss things with your Maid of Honor (who, perhaps, invited him without your blessing).

However, because he's a friend of a member of the wedding party, there's certainly no faux pas in inviting him to the reception, and there would be a degree of hospitable courtesy in doing so (courtesy that is not required of you, however).

Clearer? Good! Glad to be muddy!

 

[Hunter X]

Yeah, I'm not too sure why he assumed it. Maybe it's just been a typical thing of other weddings he's worked at. Maybe something said was misinterpreted. I can't think of anything, unless someone mixed up the words rehearsal and reception at some point (he is invited to the rehearsal).

I'm leaning toward just sitting him at a table that'll have social people who will talk to him. Whether or not his assumption was warranted, it's easier to just throw in one more chair than telling him he can't come. Even asking him if he thinks that he's coming, just to be clear, seems like it would make an awkward situation with the implications that question carries.

 

[auntiehill]

^Yes, I think you should. We invited our musician to stay, out of courtesy, but he declined.

Most of the time, the musician just wants to get a free bit of food before he splits, which seems fine by me. Just set out the extra chair, especially since he is also a friend of the MOH.

 

[SmoothieX]

Uh, doesn't the DJ/band usually show up at the reception?

 

[iguana_tonante]

Whether or not his assumption was warranted, it's easier to just throw in one more chair than telling him he can't come.

This.

 

[Pingfah]

I cannot imagine why he'd want to go to a stranger's wedding reception anyway. Weddings are dismal, boring affairs at the best of times. Unless he's hoping to pick up bridesmaids with his musician cred!

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

Weddings are for direct friends and family of the Bride and Groom to come together to celebrate and support the couple. Weddings are not supposed to be events to elicit anything from anyone other than well wishes of many happy years to come.

I'm astounded that this musician would assume an invitation. It is presumptuous as well as rude because he does not know either of you personally.

I would be curious to know how you found out he assumed he was invited to the reception.

That being said, two rude gestures do not make a right. Just as it was rude of him to invite himself, it would be rude of you to flat out tell him no.

I would, however, pull him aside and explain that weddings are, as he knows, very complicated affairs that take months of planning. You sent out your RSVPS and had returns quite a while ago, and your original musician did not RSVP to attend the reception. As such, you did not make plans to have an extra person there. However, you'd be more than happy to arrange to make sure he was able to have a bite before he left, but you were sure he understands the issue of not being able to properly seat him as there is just no planned room.

 

[Hunter X]

^To be fair, I'm not at all sure why he thinks he's invited. Maybe someone said something to him that was interpreted wrongly. My fiancee found out talking to her MoH and the MoH's boyfriend last night, and they mentioned that the pianist was coming to the reception too. Not sure how the conversation came up.

Uh, doesn't the DJ/band usually show up at the reception?

He's the pianist at the ceremony, not the DJ.

I cannot imagine why he'd want to go to a stranger's wedding reception anyway. Weddings are dismal, boring affairs at the best of times. Unless he's hoping to pick up bridesmaids with his musician cred!

Exactly! I mean, the free meal is fun and all and the dancing is enjoyable if enough friends are there, but the speeches, slideshows, toasts, etc. are only somewhat interesting if you're really emotionally invested in the couple. And the two of us are no more interesting than any other boring person getting married.

I guess this isn't that big a deal to me, we'll throw out the extra seat and not even notice him there during the actual wedding reception stuff. I've just been constantly astounded at all the tiny things that come up when you try and plan something like this. And there are so many little rules, it seems...wedding etiquette that is followed at some weddings, thrown out at others. There are times when we've both been completely out of our depth, trying to remember everything we can to make it an enjoyable day for everyone involved.

 

[iguana_tonante]

I cannot imagine why he'd want to go to a stranger's wedding reception anyway. Weddings are dismal, boring affairs at the best of times. Unless he's hoping to pick up bridesmaids with his musician cred!

Most of the wedding receptions I've been were fun time, and I ended up drunk, smooching someone, or both.

 

[Kestra]

Since you're going with the option of having him and his guest at the reception, I'm not actually suggesting you change your mind now. But most venues have something in place for meals and seating for the vendors working at your reception (I realize this individual will be working at the ceremony, not the reception). At least, this has been the case with most weddings I have been involved with.

 

[Hunter X]

Yeah, we'll have to call our reception venue and ask if we can set out the extra chair. They've been great and easy going about things so far, but the numbers were supposed to be finalized a week before the wedding (we're down to three days left), so it's late notice for them.

I think the MoH's boyfriend was going to try and casually ask him if he's coming to the reception. That way it's removed from us and we can just make sure no one mixed up the words "reception" and "rehearsal."

 

[JohnChod]

I cannot imagine why he'd want to go to a stranger's wedding reception anyway. Weddings are dismal, boring affairs at the best of times. Unless he's hoping to pick up bridesmaids with his musician cred!

Most of the wedding receptions I've been were fun time, and I ended up drunk, smooching someone, or both.

Agreed. Wedding receptions are typically a good time - food, drink, music, dancing.

Someone must be hanging with the wrong crowd!

 

[Naira]

I'd invite him to the wedding, but then again... I am Greek...

 

[Guartho]

As a videographer, I usually get invited to the reception, even if the couple is having me tape the ceremony only. I almost never go though, because I want to go home. But, it'd be an easy mistake (especially for a male) to make to assume that that automatic invites for the wedding contractors are just one of those wedding things.