I have a problem

[Lord Garth]

Okay, there have been threads on here about guys asking about what to do to "get the girl". I have the opposite problem.

There's a woman who is in the process of getting divorced who has liked me for about five years and everyone has known it. Problem is I don't feel that way about her. She made a terrible choice in who she married so I'm glad she's leaving him but that doesn't mean she has to come after me.

For the past couples of months she's been sending me constant IMs as soon as she sees me. She wants me to be her taxi service. She says the perfect girlfriend I'm looking for might be right under my nose and she told me who she really wants probably doesn't feel the same way about her. Unfortunately, I know exactly who she's referring to and so doesn't everyone else.

I get texted by her at 3:00 in the morning, she's randomly asked me for money without explaining why, and she's sent me texts like "Hold me!" and said she wanted to go dancing, then said "Where are we going?" without even asking me if I wanted to go in the first place. Another time she said she wanted to sleep over.

Whenever I go online and she's online, she's there to send me a message. All. The. Time. Without fail.

She's a walking, talking drama. When there's no drama, she creates it. In the past she's tried to create wedges between my friends and I. We saw right through it. We cut her out of the group but she still keeps after me. It's getting uncomfortable. I thought maybe if I didn't show interest she'd get the hint but if I'm even friendly -- forget about showing romantic interest -- she goes way overboard. If I give her an inch, she takes a mile.

Worst of all, I'm not the type who's going to just ignore someone if they send me a message. And I'm not the type where I want to hurt anyone.

But I have to confront this problem. And I have to do it with tact. I'm just quite not sure how to do this. There's no way to say things without saying them.

Why? Why do I always get the clingy people? I'm sure I complained about this clingy person four years ago in a thread called "The Elephant in the Room" (not the same person as the clingy student, three years ago, from the college I work at). Her attentions subsided for a few years but now they're back with a vengeance. Especially since she's separated.

Because of the inter connectivity of Web 2.0 it's impossible to really talk about this anywhere but here where I have anonymity.

 

[Gepard]

There's no way to say things without saying them.

Then say them. It sounds to me like you already know what you have to do, you just need that little push to go through with it. I think you need to flat-out tell her that you don't share her feelings, and that she's being pushy and you want her to stop the behaviors that are bothering you. She'll probably be hurt and generate more drama, but from your description of her, she's going to act that way whether you do this or not. If she's not getting the hint in more subtle ways, sometimes the best route is direct.

 

[Lord Garth]

Yeah, I figured that's what I'd be told. And you're right.

Too bad doing something feels even more difficult than just doing nothing and hoping it'll all go away. I wish it was different. But since when was standing up doing something easier than doing nothing?

That's all I have to say. This had been really eating at me. Posting about this and getting this out of my system should've been cathartic.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

At the risk of trivializing the situation, I feel I must lighten the mood by pointing out some things:

- Why can't I ever meet people like this...

- Any chance you could send her my way?

 

[Angela 0077]

Yes she is clinging onto you.
It looks as though she has got her self out of a shaky marrage which is good.
She seems lonely for abit of rebound love.
If it was me going through this l would sit her down and tell her that you want to be freinds and nothing else.
You can still be a freind but there is a limit if she keeps up what she is doing
So offer her your freindship but if she wants more say no.

Sometimes it is better to be upfront than have this going on for a couple of monthes knowing you dont want this
She might be upset about it but it is better to do it now not later.

 

[Surfin' Santa]

. . . I get texted by her at 3:00 in the morning, she's randomly asked me for money without explaining why, and she's sent me texts like “Hold me!” and said she wanted to go dancing, then said “Where are we going?” without even asking me if I wanted to go in the first place. Another time she said she wanted to sleep over.

Whenever I go online and she's online, she's there to send me a message. All. The. Time. Without fail.

. . . Why? Why do I always get the clingy people?

This woman sounds more than “clingy.” She sounds like a borderline nutcase.

The only thing you can do is confront her directly with the truth and hope to God she doesn't go all Play Misty For Me on you.

 

[Angela 0077]

I met a perso along time ago l bugged him so much.
I would go to the dvd store and he was so kind that he would take my visits smiles
He told my brother and he rold me that this guy was not interested in me.
So you could always ask a person close to you to do it too.
I know it worked with l wouldnrt go near the shop for a long time until he left

 

[Angela 0077]

. . . I get texted by her at 3:00 in the morning, she's randomly asked me for money without explaining why, and she's sent me texts like “Hold me!” and said she wanted to go dancing, then said “Where are we going?” without even asking me if I wanted to go in the first place. Another time she said she wanted to sleep over.

Whenever I go online and she's online, she's there to send me a message. All. The. Time. Without fail.

. . . Why? Why do I always get the clingy people?

This woman sounds more than “clingy.” She sounds like a borderline nutcase.

The only thing you can do is confront her directly with the truth and hope to God she doesn't go all Play Misty For Me on you.

Well this person has just got her freedom from a person she was married too.
A person shows kindness and love and she has taken it the wrong way
That is why you have to let a person know instead of letting this thing go on

 

[Timby]

There's no way to say things without saying them.

Then say them. It sounds to me like you already know what you have to do, you just need that little push to go through with it. I think you need to flat-out tell her that you don't share her feelings, and that she's being pushy and you want her to stop the behaviors that are bothering you.

Yeah, this is pretty much spot-on. The woman does not sound particularly psychologically healthy, and she's not getting the hint. Just be blunt, yet polite, and lay down the facts.

 

[Angela 0077]

Yes that is what l am saying.
Let her know that you do not want this.
I dont think she is crazy just confused lonely and not knowing what to do with her self and her life.
It goes to show how we cut people off so easily instead of having a nice talk about the problem.
This can be solved.

 

[Kestra]

Yeah, it's not complicated. By dragging it out you're actually making it worse and more difficult. Tell her firmly but politely that you are not interested in dating her.

 

[Lord Garth]

She's had a difficult life. A very difficult life. A mutual friend of ours who has known her since fifth grade to attest to that.

She's not crazy but she is needy. She's lonely and, yeah, she does feel freedom. I think she wants to see how far she can go now that she's getting out of her marriage. And acting on feelings she couldn't act on in the past.

But, yeah, before I still had hope that she'd get the hint. I let this go on too long.

 

[Australis]

Weeeelll, like you, I'd be the last person to do this, 'cause I'm a bit of a softy, but maybe blocking her on IM might give her a hint. If she asks why, just say, "every time I turn around, there you are, and I just wanted some time to myself." Don't fall for any charm or line she spins.

If that doesn't work, close as many internet options as you can, and ask for a work position a long way from her.

And if that doesn't work, time to buy a fake ID and move interstate.

 

[Captain Ice]

Yes, you did. You need to nip it in the bud and fast. The longer you wait to do this, the messier it will get. You need to sit her down and tell her point blank how you feel and that you are not going to put up with this behavior.

At this point, you are probably going to have to do something that you don't want to do and actually hurt her for her to get the message. Be blunt. Be direct. But don't let another day go by without putting an end to this.

 

[RJDiogenes]

There are two sure-fire ways to get rid of her: 1) Start talking about your boyfriend, or 2) Start talking about Star Trek.

 

[captcalhoun]

3)start talking about that great beastiality site you found last night.

 

[Australis]

All of these are great suggestions. Especially talking about Star Trek.

 

[Lord Garth]

I've got it! I can start dissecting TOS and ENT. It's perfect! It's even better than "Kirk vs. Picard".

No, but seriously, I'm going to say "I just want to be friends" and then we'll see where the chips fall afterward.

 

[Finngle Bells]

^That may not work. I've seen people become more clingy with the "let be friends" line.

 

[Lord Garth]

Either way, it's going to be my starting point. I'll take it from there.