I Brilliantly Beamed a Borg Aboard

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Wintermute, Nov 1, 2011.

  1. Wintermute

    Wintermute Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Mar 8, 2008

    I Brilliantly Beamed a Borg Aboard

    by Triskelion

    I brilliantly beamed a Borg aboard

    You brilliantly beamed aboard a Borg.

    A Borg, aboard.

    A boarded Borg?

    Transported, imported from Borg abroad.

    A smorgasborg of droning Borg,

    Blew into our orbit and beamed aboard.

    They bored our back bay cargo doors,

    And boarding, anchored planking boards

    Where Worf fell off and broke his beard.

    They marched in with magnetic boots, this mob,

    Busted circuitboards, blinkers and scuba garb,

    With a Kirk chop to our Klingon bodyguard,

    For this cardboard Picard in a unitard,

    And all our collectible dolls and cubes,

    This droning, nanoprobing, brood

    Of spidervein-overlain brain, insanely

    Numbing, drumming, droning Borg.

    I beamed aboard a droning Borg,

    Transported aboard, a Borgle of Borg.

    You beamed a droning Borg aboard,

    Belayed blocking the transporting, burgling Borg.

    And foaming from the roaming drones,

    “We are the Smorgas-Borg of Borg;

    Your life - as you have known it now -

    Is over, we, the swarming horde

    of Borg are futilely abhorred.

    Assimilate what you explored,

    And add your biological

    Distinctly stinky-ness to Borg.

    We are the Borgy, ever-loving,

    Tubule-shoving in slow motion

    Borgy of Borg.”


    Dastardly, bastardly drone of Borg.

    A higgledy-piggledy dastardly bastardly

    Discombobular Smorgas of Borg.

    This collective, deceptive, rectangled ménage?

    That monocled, prosthetically-armed entourage.

    No simulation of a Borg?

    A flashback better off ignored?

    A brain bomb Romulans restored?

    A fairy tale 'cause Q is bored?

    What part of Borg drone beamed aboard

    Has left your comprehension floored?

    A metal-plating, alcove-mating,

    Clone-assimilating Borg!

    “Assimilate This” Worfing Borg!

    A Borg. A Borg. A Borgified Borg!

    Cybernetic, electric, lobotomized Borg!

    A Borgity-Borg has intruded aboard

    With a Borgity boombox electrical cord!

    Pardon me Borg,

    Is that the Delta Quadrant Transwarp?

    Hub 29

    Borg you can plug in my line!

    I brilliantly beamed a Borg aboard,

    You brilliantly beamed aboard a Borg.

    A boy? Or Borg broad brought aboard?

    Or babbling brood of baby Borg?

    It was a broad, the Borg aboard.

    No boy nor bouncing baby Borg

    Came from the big Borg cube that moored.

    Now heed the words I've underscored!

    My broken record! Borg aboard!

    You beamed aboard a broad of Borg.

    Transported aboard, a droning Borg.

    A designation-stating horde of

    Hating rubber-chafing Borg.

    May she leave of her own accord?

    You listen now, I have implored,

    That drooling mob won't be ignored

    And this is why they're so deplored:

    No hidey hole goes unexplored

    Nor mountain, cave, crevasse or fjord

    They'll overturn each blade of sward

    Collectively their whispers roared

    In one intoning, droning chord -

    “We are the Borgy Borg of Borg!

    State your complaint that we'll record,

    And link you to our main switchboard.”

    I beamed aboard a droning Borg,

    Transported aboard, a Borgle of Borg.

    You beamed a droning Borg aboard,

    Who brung boxes for baubles and booty for Borg.


    Beam the Borg broad back abroad,

    Before she burgles our baubles aboard.

    And Klingon bat'leths – that's a sword -

    And boundless booty we smuggled and stored.

    No booty-burgling broad of Borg

    Bags swag that falls off her electric sideboard

    When her cranial implant impacts her headboard,

    Unless she can burgle it out on a board!




    NOT NOW!!!




    NOT NOW!!!

    What boxes of booty we stowed in our hold

    Had the Borg put on Botany eBay and sold?

    A blue million tribbles and latinum pressed gold,

    And swag to make ol' Kivas Fajo grow cold.


    Borgified bobbleheads for the dashboard,

    Tiny hologram Tashas, assorted Cyborgs,

    A Number One shaving mug, dribble holes scored,

    And jazz trombone record, slut shouting “Nightbird!”

    A spray-painted hair band from Geordi LaForge,

    Two slightly used Crusher retirement awards,

    A clay bust of Tasha that Data contoured,

    Omega IV virus that nobody cured,

    Some Spock ears and turtleheads, Romulan shoulders,

    And jellybeans, gumdrops and styrofoam bouldering boulders!

    There's widgets and gadgets, Ferengi whip truncheons,

    And whatchamacallits that blink but don't function,

    Some phasers and dustbusters, PADDs and tricorders,

    And locks of Spock's hair Chapel stole from his quarters,

    Combadges and sashes, assorted hatcatchers,

    Polarity scanners and Jefferies tube hatches,

    An engineer's toolbox to fix warp reactors,

    Repair microfractures and girdle disasters,

    When bulkheads get blasted, some energy spackle

    Fills holes from torpedoes or Wesley debacle.

    One slightly-used, self-abused Leah Brahms plushie

    A hot study buddy when missions get touchy.

    A captain's chair replica, some swishy doors,

    An evil beard kit and those LCARS keyboards.

    LCARS key, LCARS key

    LCARS keyboards.

    Those LCARS key, LCARS key

    LCARS keyboards....

    Warning. Warning.

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    Unable to comply.

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    Specify parameters.

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    Diagnostic complete.

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    Linkage complete.

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    Standard procedure requires termination of all simulations.


    Romulan skeleton that fell overboard,

    A tin pennywhistle and flashbacking orb,

    A Klingon tea hypo Pulaski absorbed,

    And stickers for bumpers, “Borg Babies On Board,”

    A pen used to sign the fake Khitomer Accords,

    And split-level chessboards for auction rewards,

    Big fan dancing feathers Uhura adored,

    A kilt spilt with green stuff that Scott may have worn,

    One holey gold shirt that was torn by a Gorn,

    Toy nuclear wessel that Chekov restored,

    An Enterprise lighter with flaming warp core,

    A head from an android for cracking nuts hard,

    Voiceboxes from Sulu and Captain Picard,

    Spock's bowl, which his hairdresser did not discard,

    And the pièce de résistance of the whole hoard,

    Kirk's chest wax, and autographed toupee washboard

    No rubber-tipped ear-wearing geek could afford!

    I beamed aboard a droning Borg,

    Transported aboard, a Borgle of Borg.

    You beamed a droning Borg aboard,

    On our transporter pad with a bag on a board.


    Least it is better Borg babe than a bard

    A balding Borg who treads the boards.

    And boring brains in elderly wards,

    For dodging rent, land ladies and lords,

    With cardboard sword and telephone cord,

    (For phoning in each boring word),

    “Je suis Locutus de le Borg!

    From this time forth, touché, my sword,

    You'll serve me ale, a wench will pour,

    A buxom doc or counselor.

    Belt shanties like a stevedore,

    Knock Riker and Geordi on the floor,

    And flip off 'Commodore 64'.”

    And droning in a Yorkshire brogue...

    Mm hm. Mm hm.

    And droning in a Yorkshire brogue...

    Mm hm

    Mm hm

    Mm hm!

    “I am the Borrrrg of EdinBorrrrg!

    The spiderboy wriggling around your warp core,

    The egghead brigade of your Talos IV,

    Your pimped rolling potty beeps thrice for more,

    Jean Luc Picard, seeing lights of four,

    Saddle up when they baryon sweep the floor

    On thee, Lwaxana, I bang forth

    Like heart of targ on a breadboard,

    To your Nth Degree, while Mr Worf

    Strums a little lute like a troubadour,

    And Mister Homn drums along on a gourd.

    My acting cleaving data and lore,

    And Shakespeare! Oh I know Shakespeare, sir,

    And what Hamlet said with irony

    I say with a fully-charged phaser bank:

    Oh what a piece of work is Deanna,

    But she's mind-peeling the second banana

    So I'll chew the scenery behind her Mama,

    Lwaxana, the Betazed Dali Llama,

    And act the bustle off her pajama

    For a starring role in Beverly's drama,

    MacKruge, or Taming of the Targ,

    And Much Ado About Tribbles, and more,

    Like Lursa, Romeo and B'Etor,

    And A Midsummer Night's Dishonor!”

    Pajamas hung with sash and swords,

    And nickel-plated spinal cords,

    Like heavy metal queens, with foreheads,

    And platform boots, and big chin guards

    To strap our wigs with bungee cords -

    (No, not the barmaid from Ten Forward,

    The expert at not looking bored,

    Who now jabs customers with forks).

    No shoes, no shirt, no pants, no service,

    No hanging around exposing your pelvis,

    We'll wait for Q to start the circus!

    Q the liar!

    Q the misanthrope!

    Shut up Wesley!

    Fire at will!

    Make it so!

    What the devil!

    Lock phasers!

    Get off my bridge!

    Beverly, Nella,

    Kamala and Vash,

    Jenice, Anij,

    Eline and Ro!

    Tea Earl Grey hot!

    There are four lights!

    The Prime Directive!

    Fire at Will!

    No Borgas Frat from Edinborg

    That mutters “Merde,” and “Oui, au fond,

    I am from Paris, so I'm told,”

    Could beat this burgling babe of Borg,

    He'd speechify til the Borg did snore,

    And volunteer Data to blow the core,

    By hand, then hire his brother B4;

    But Captain Kirk's illogical words

    Would overload



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    Program alpha one is now complete.

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    Executed. Executed.

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    Executed. Executed.

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    I beamed aboard a droning Borg,

    Transported aboard, a Borgle of Borg.

    You beamed a droning Borg aboard,

    Transporting our hoard on a portable board.


    Beam the Borg abroad before

    She burgles booty and baubles aboard

    A board, and droning, probing toward

    Our bountiful baubly booty aboard.

    And boundless bat'leths we smuggled and stored?

    The bring-it-on Kling-it-on, Stovokor hoard

    Of battling bat'leths we smuggled and stored.

    Much bloodwine in bottles and barrels were poured

    For the warbirds and warlords in operas scored

    For the boundless bat'leths we smuggled and stored.

    And stenches and wenches and gagh we devoured.

    And daggers, disruptors and pain sticks we powered.

    With dirges and duels we challenged the coward

    With discommodation if he ever showered.

    Meh brillantla beemda borga bord.

    Ya insensibla beemda borda borg.

    A borga bord, aborda borg,

    Ya rilla ded beema da borga for shore,

    Brung a borgified, bungling Borgle of Borg

    With a borgiful, burgling she-Borg aboard.

    She-Borg she-Borg,

    My Borgy,

    She-Borg she-Borg -

    Hailing strangers

    Oooooooooooh (We are Borg)

    It seems so futile to resist you again

    How Borg have you been

    Seems like a mighty wrong timeline....

    She-Borg she-Borg,

    My Borgy,

    Oooooooooooh (We are Borg)

    Seems like a mighty wrong timeline....

    I brilliantly beamed a Borg aboard,

    Transported aboard, a Borgle of Borg.

    You brilliantly beamed aboard a sorely

    Nefarious, much-too-gregarious Borg.

    And lacking higher intelligence, steered and veered

    A transporter beam among the hot weird

    Queen and bumping company

    With humanoids held in low esteem,

    Who stretched and tore our shirts of velour,

    Desiring our jeans and free TV's,

    To snuff out our dreams to oldly mow

    Where no lawnmower has mown before,

    A lazy-mazy laser tag team

    Stuck in slow motion replay mode,

    Who laded and stowed our motherlode.

    I brilliantly beamed a Borg aboard,

    Transported exporting and tunneling Borg

    With a digital brain in an hourglass body

    Recording our stores in her cortical node.


    If a beautiful booty is poured,

    In exoskeletally-girdled Borg,

    A designation Six of Nine

    Would beat an Ernest of Borgnine,

    Or Queen, with some assembly required

    Nor Hugh, nor One, nor bonking child,

    She'll keep the exo-booty award

    We're thrusting forward and toward her drawers.

    Her flanky, clanky, spanky drawers.

    With hanky clanky panky doors.

    And bustier deflector arrays

    With stellar propellers that spin for days.

    Torpedoes standing ready, Captain,

    Salute and mash the blinky button.

    Her astronomical means of propulsion

    Impels her nacelles on obsessive compulsion

    Generated by our neurotic reactions

    To her fuselage that could drunken a Vulcan!

    With a twitch in her hip and a chip in her lip

    Her cybernetically biosynethetic aesthetic

    Is athletic and electromagnetically poetic;

    Her alphabetic, cosmetically phylogenetic

    Kinetics make us unapologetically frenetic;

    (Now call in the medic to bring anaesthetic)!

    And the Vulcan girls go:

    Doot doot doot, doot doot, doot doot doot doot

    Doot doot doot, doot doot, doot doot doot doot

    Doot doot doot, doot doot, doot doot doot doot

    Doot doot doot, doot doot, doot doot doot doot

    Spocky came from a planet called Vulcan

    On the Enterprise he was everybody's darlin'

    Plucked his brows and bulletproofed his hair,

    Some Klingon boots and pointy ears up there

    And said “Curious, Captain,

    Go to warp on the Mirror side,

    I said, Logically, Captain

    Go to warp on the Mirror side.”

    And all the yeomen go:

    Doot doot doot, doot doot, doot doot doot doot

    Doot doot doot, doot doot, doot doot doot doot....


    Sensors and say “Fascinating,”

    Her dimensional curves begin calculating,

    When her Borg implant devices start vibrating

    Her thrusters adjusting and gravitating,

    Lock phasers on her warp drive section,

    Launch probe and enter course correction,

    (Don't bother scanning her for imperfection).

    Emergency power to our shield deflection

    Or her phaser bolts will start degrading

    Like love slave-peddling raiders invading;

    Call red alert and mind the reactor grating.

    Her implants adapting and anticipating,

    Assimilating like two tribbles mating,

    If you think I'm waiting for a Vulcan craving

    A few more years –

    You're raving.

    No logical gelding would keep me from melding

    With her bulkhead welding and built-in shelving.

    I'd subdue her like a Bajoran rebellion.

    Make Vulcan's Forge look like a cupcake melting.

    Her secondary hull is cylindrical

    But that shimmy in her shuttlebay is logical

    And her tractor beams on high beam setting

    Could penetrate ablative plating.

    Where was I now, I...keep...forgetting!


    -port the babe of Borg abroad

    Ineffably, delectably overboard

    This winsome, lose-some, handsome, toothsome,

    Assimilated, sophisticated,

    Lubricated and refrigerated,

    Stimulatingly irradiated,

    Curvaceous, deliciously Borg abroad

    Before we're gorged with Borgy Borg.

    Before a Borgy orgy Borg?

    A Borgy orgy Borgity Borg.

    We brilliantly beamed the Borg aboard,

    Transported marauding and plodding aboard,

    Probing, plonking and planking while flumping on toward

    All the winkling, twinkling bulging floorboards

    A detachable, mixing-and-matchable horde

    Of malevolent, prevalent, “Strength is irrelevant,”

    Belligerent, barging-in, Borgle of Borg!

    She brought more she-Borgs of Borg aboard

    The best of both worlds be our reward

    Indisputably, resistance-is-futilely toward

    Just to borrow a kiss and we'll be restored

    And now we put our right boots forward


    Borgy Borgy Borgy Borgy

    Borgy Borgy Borgy Borgy

    Borgy Borgy Borgy Borgy

    Borgy Borgy Borgity Borg!





  2. Tiberius

    Tiberius Commodore Commodore

    Sep 28, 2005
    Oh my goodness...
  3. Timewalker

    Timewalker Cat-lovin', Star Trekkin' Time Lady Premium Member

    May 26, 2007
    In many different universes, simultaneously.
    My brain got tied up in knots somewhere near the top... :wtf:

    BTW, it's "smorgasbord"... ;)
  4. Mistral

    Mistral Vice Admiral Admiral

    Dec 5, 2007
    Between the candle and the flame
    That was...unique in my experience.
  5. Blip

    Blip Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    May 2, 2001
    Deck 13, section 21-Alpha
    Fascinating. :vulcan:
  6. LadyT'Anna

    LadyT'Anna Commander Red Shirt

    Apr 9, 2015
    Kansas City, Missouri, USA
  7. Bagofmostlywatr

    Bagofmostlywatr Commander Red Shirt

    Jun 5, 2015
    Land of hope....