I am thinking about moving

[Miss Chicken]

Into an over 55 retirement village. All units in the village are rental so I could easily move out if I don't like it.

What the village offers

Facilities / Amenities

Gated Village
Wide covered walkways
Library
Dining Room
Unlimited use of Community Centre and access to a variety of social activities
Community laundry facilities
Maintained Gardens
Secure Parking within the village

Unit Features

Pet friendly (I can have a pet up to 10kg, so I can take my cat)
Low maintenance living
Security screens on doors and windows
Private courtyard
Provisions for a washing machine
Non slip bathroom with grab rails
Refrigerator and microwave included

I can choose to cook my own meals or have them provide me with either one, two or three meals a day (they do not provide meals on a Sunday). To have three meals a day it would cost me $70 a week.

The units are all smallish one bedroom units so it would mean me downsizing a bit.

I will not be moving for at least a year giving my sons time to save up and find a place on their own. My youngest son (aged 32) is happy to do this and is talking about getting a place with a friend. My other son is very upset saying it is unfair. One family member and a friend are backing him up because he is disabled (IQ 65) and they think I should continue looking after him. I have pointed out that He will have to look after himself when I die and it is best if I can help him become independent before I die. I have offered to put $5000 in an emergency fund for him (to be only used if he has to move from any place he rents) if he saves up $1500.

I want to arrange a disability support worker for my son but he is saying no to that.

My sons will get to share all the furniture I can't take with me between them.

One of my friends (the one supporting my son) is also upset at the idea of me moving because she says it will be so far for her to travel if she wants me to buy something off the net for her. As if that is a good reason for me not doing what I want to do.

At the moment I am often housebound with only my sons to keep me company and they are often watching DVDs or playing games in their rooms. if I move into this village I will be able to play cards, go to quiz nights, and other such things.

I can afford the rental and full meals but to do so I will have to either give up my private health insurance or stop giving donations to charity. I would also have to apply for rental assistance from the government.

I have started feeling guilty about considering the whole idea even though I really want to do this.

What do you guys think?

 

[KimMH]

Given your son's disability is it an option for him to come with you?

Otherwise arranging a disability support worker for him sounds like the next best arrangement; sad but true that he will someday have to learn to live without you. It seems it would be best to offer him a transition period while you are still able.

If this is what you really want to do and it is a good arrangement for you then I say go for it.

 

[Miss Chicken]

To live in the village on the permanent basis a person has to be over 55 so my son cannot come with me. Besides with my failing health I am finding him a bit of a strain to cope with.

 

[KimMH]

I'm sorry you'd be separated from your son but it might be for the best. It doesn't sound as if you are deserting him and leaving him without resources.

 

[Captain Shaw]

I think its a good idea for your son to move while you can still help him.
Does the government have any housing for people with disability?
Something smiler to your retirement village, with a unit he can live in but with carers on site that can give help when he need's it?

 

[Miss Chicken]

They do but there is a long waiting list and my son isn't as disabled as many on the list.

There is Common Ground housing. they have nice units, half of the units go to homeless people and half to low income earners. my son would qualify as low income. However they are on the other side of the river and my son says he only wants to live on the side we now live on.

 

[Spot's Meow]

The only information I can provide is the experience of my grandparents, who have lived in such a retirement community for the past 15 years or so. They were always fun people (to me, anyway), but I remember that when they moved to the community, it was like a whole new life opened up to them. They have been more vibrant than ever. My grandma made a best friend in one of her new neighbors, and now they ride bikes around the community together and organize and attend social events (such as dance nights, bingo, potlucks) at the community center. When I visit, I notice how quiet and peaceful the neighborhood is. We have had family events like reunions in their clubhouse for free. My grandpa spends a lot of time playing poker at the community center as well. I think that my grandparents struggled with the decision to move there, as my grandmother is fiercely independent, but I know that they are much happier there than when they owned their own home in a different neighborhood.

 

[think]

sound like a plan at some point... I would do it. but that is me.

 

[Captain Ice]

The only information I can provide is the experience of my grandparents, who have lived in such a retirement community for the past 15 years or so. They were always fun people (to me, anyway), but I remember that when they moved to the community, it was like a whole new life opened up to them. They have been more vibrant than ever. My grandma made a best friend in one of her new neighbors, and now they ride bikes around the community together and organize and attend social events (such as dance nights, bingo, potlucks) at the community center. When I visit, I notice how quiet and peaceful the neighborhood is. We have had family events like reunions in their clubhouse for free. My grandpa spends a lot of time playing poker at the community center as well. I think that my grandparents struggled with the decision to move there, as my grandmother is fiercely independent, but I know that they are much happier there than when they owned their own home in a different neighborhood.

I could not have said it better.

I work in the industry and most of the people who move in have an experience similar to this. The only people who do not make new friends are those who don't want too.

As for your son, it sounds like he really does need the help that he doesn't want to get. Sucks, but don't let his stubbornness stop you from doing what you need too to enjoy the years that you have left.

If they were to find a place together, could his brother take care of him at all?

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

This sounds terrible but I think you need to move before your son becomes even more dependent. If he should become more stubborn and resistant to help, or become ill or have have some physical problem develop that makes all his reasons for not making changes even harder then it will be even harder for you to "abandon" him, ie get him to depend on others and adapt his life.

I honestly think making this kind of decision which sets him on a course of eventual life without you is only going to get harder the longer you leave it. As crappy as it may feel to do it you are the one with the clear thinking here and the ability to look ahead. Remember that relative and friend who are telling you this is a bad idea are not offering to take him in until they die!

He will resist, get angry, make mistakes and probably get into trouble but he'll get over it and end up living a life that does not need you alive to work. Which is how it will be eventually as you well know. And it's not as if you are moving to another country, you will be able to offer practical and emotional support still.

And that's just all about him, I think it is GREAT for you! It's so easy to get totally stuck and you have an opportunity to make changes and have new things happen. This is very exciting!

One point though, I wouldn't sign up for 3 meals a day until you test run the food

 

[Miss Chicken]

If they were to find a place together, could his brother take care of him at all?

My youngest son has cerebral palsy and so has his own challenges and he doesn't think he would be able to control his brother if they were to live together though he has offered to visit his brother regularly to help with his finances. Also my youngest son wants to move in with hearing impaired friend (who has a cochlear implant) and the friend is also resistant to the idea of having my elder son living with them.

Our other choice is to get a trustee appointed for my son. This would mean that my son's pension would go to the Trustee and they would pay his rent and other bills and give him the remainder as spending money.

One point though, I wouldn't sign up for 3 meals a day until you test run the food

I would probably just begin with one meal a day. I certainly don't think I need someone to make breakfast at this stage.

 

[RJDiogenes]

It sounds like a good idea. My Mother loves the retirement community that she lives in, and yours has many more amenities. Although hers does allow a partner or dependent who is under 55 as long as one person is 55 or over, so you might want to double check with the owners.

However, I do think that you are correct about your son needing to be more independent. He's getting older, too, which will make changing his ways more and more difficult as time goes by. It will go better for him if he does it sooner and has you there to help him.

 

[Crusher Disciple]

Sounds like you really want to do it. I say go for it.

 

[jaz'a]

I should just quote teacake. She said my thoughts better than I can.

I think you should go for it Miss Chicken.

Ignore your friend. Is this the crazy one you are always mentioning? My impression of her is also that she'd say that you're doing wrong by your son simply because that is what suits her, not out of any real concern for your son.

As for your relative, what I'd say to them is exactly what you've said here. I'd point blank ask them who is going to look after your son once you can't (which will likely occur before you die) if you don't arrange something now? When are they willing to step in and do their bit?

Of course, if it means we get less of your company because you'll be distracted by all your new friends.. then nah, you shouldn't do it.

 

[Mary Ann]

I'm going to third what teacake said. Your son is going to have to learn to live without you eventually and it's better he does it now than to have to cope with suddenly living away from you because of your death, if you'll pardon my being blunt. You've given so much of yourself to your sons, and it's vital that you do what's best for you now.

 

[BillJ]

There comes a time in life Miss Chicken that you have to put your needs above those you love. Make the choices that are going to be best for you.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I should just quote teacake. She said my thoughts better than I can.

I think you should go for it Miss Chicken.

Ignore your friend. Is this the crazy one you are always mentioning? My impression of her is also that she'd say that you're doing wrong by your son simply because that is what suits her, not out of any real concern for your son.

As for your relative, what I'd say to them is exactly what you've said here. I'd point blank ask them who is going to look after your son once you can't (which will likely occur before you die) if you don't arrange something now? When are they willing to step in and do their bit?

Of course, if it means we get less of your company because you'll be distracted by all your new friends.. then nah, you shouldn't do it.

Yes, it is the same crazy friend. We used to get on so well when our children were growing up but in the last few years she has become more and more cranky? I don't know exactly why but I think she might be frustrated because I am better off than her financially. She has been on NewStart benefits for the last 16 years and she thinks I am lucky to be on a disability pension.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

My current lease is to March 2016 and even though I can break the lease with 2 weeks notice I don't think I well be moving before them. If my son doesn't have his own place by then I will give him until November 2016 because after that I have full access to all my money (some of which currently is a fix-term deposit). I can then put the $5000 aside for him. Hopefully a place will be available at the village for me around that time.