I am feeling a little sad and annoyed.

[Miss Chicken]

Over the last couple of years I have bitched about a friend and former neighbour of mine who had bad emphysema. He used to say to me how he wished for good health, and as he was saying this he would be puffing on a cigarette and he would have a can of beer in his hand.

I have just learnt that this friend, named James, died yesterday. He was only 53, two years older than me.

I am feeling guilty about talking about him behind his back like I did but I am also feeling annoyed that James continued to smoke right up to the end.

Have you ever had to deal with someone who continued on with a dangerous habits even after they knew it was killing them? How did you deal with it?

I had one other friend who wouldn't change her lifestyle even though she had two heart attacks. she died aged 52. When she died I was also angry at her.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I think it's immensely unproductive to be angry at dead people, don't you?

In the end, as much as you might care about someone or want to help them, they have to decide for themselves what to do--even if it's bad for them.

You did what you could.

 

[MANT!]

My grandfather smoked like a coal fired power plant..3 to 4 packs a day..and drank his liver into oblivion...the day he died, he drank a fifth of vodka and smoked 2 packs of Camels..in his hospital bed...his 2nd wife smuggled 'em in for him.. his father outlived him by 6 years..I actually have more memories of Great-Grandfather than my Grandfather..

But angry, not really..he seemed more pathetic than worth my wraith..

 

[TrekNut87]

My uncle has smoked a pack of cigarettes a day for as long as I've known him. My family has begged him to stop for years, but I don't really know why they do it. Begging him to stop isn't going to do any good, he has to be the the one to decide that his habit is bad and then quit of his own accord.

All you can really do is hope and pray for them, that's what I continue to do for my uncle.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I guess I am so annoyed because My brother-in-law, Dennis, who died of bone cancer earlier this month, was the exact opposite of my friends.

At one point, after he had come home from the hospitaL after breaking his pelvis, my sister decided that it would be best for her to sleep on a matress on the floor, so that Dennis could have the bed to himself because of the amount of pain Dennis was in. Dennis started to cry and was apologising to my sister for being so selfish. He did not complain about his pain or his approaching death, his only concern was for his family.

Dennis was sick through no fault of his own so I guess I am getting annoyed at those people who get sick because of their bad habits, who continue with those bad habits and then complained about their illness. They had more power than Dennis ever did tom take some control of their illnesses yet they chose not to.

 

[An Officer]

It's Christmas Eve. What will be will be. Let it go. Ride the river of life and try not to swim upstream too often. Some things were meant to be and you just can't stop them. Enjoy your own life. Being judgemental of others takes up a whole lot of energy and emotion and achieves absolutely nothing.

Sometimes, when I get overwhelmed, I pretend I have an emotion switch, and just turn it to positive, instead of negative. Works pretty well.

 

[RJDiogenes]

My Uncles all had problems with smoking and drinking, but they all managed to quit along the way. My Father had terrible problems with smoking and drinking, and is now very sick because of it; he managed to quit smoking, but not drinking. My Sister and one Brother have always smoked, and they quit and relapse periodically. My other Brother is a very heavy smoker and his health is deteriorating because of it; he shows no signs of quitting or slowing down, and actually seems to take a perverse adolescent delight in it.

I've never smoked and barely drink; I don't understand how people can fail to learn from bad examples.

 

[WillsBabe]

It's Christmas Eve. What will be will be. Let it go. Ride the river of life and try not to swim upstream too often. Some things were meant to be and you just can't stop them. Enjoy your own life. Being judgemental of others takes up a whole lot of energy and emotion and achieves absolutely nothing.

Sometimes, when I get overwhelmed, I pretend I have an emotion switch, and just turn it to positive, instead of negative. Works pretty well.

Wise woman.

I find that the payment for loving someone, whether that is family, friends or lovers, is that we worry about losing them, and that we will lose them. To watch someone we love doing something that could and does endanger their lives is hard, very hard. My father smoked and died of a heart attack, my husband drives his car too fast and has a relatively dangerous hobby. I, myself, have unhealthy habits and I suspect that there are others who worry about me.

I don't understand how people can fail to learn from bad examples.

I can. Until relatively recently I was fit, healthy, slim. I ran somewhere in the region of 30k a week, I was a healthy weight for my height. I ate healthy food, I had a positive mental attitude. I am now overweight, overeat, take no exercise. The drive to indulge myself, to console myself with food, the compulsion to not take care of myself is stronger than my desperation to be all those other things. I have not learned and I have tried to learn this lesson all my long life.

 

[An Officer]

^ I understand what you mean. We all have weaknesses, and RJ's just doesn't happen to be in this area. I don't understand smokers either, but hey, sometimes addictions are not just physical, they can be mental, and an issue of spiritual imbalance as well. It's a massive and complicated field. I don't get angry with those people, I only feel sympathy and hope they find a way out. I have had two alcoholics and a drug addict in my family, and it is very tough. Eventually though, you have to let go and stop torturing yourself. It's no use joining them by making your own self ill with stress. Better that you smile and lift them up as well.

I hope you succeed with your own struggle Willsbabe. I'm so sorry you've been suffering lately. Hope it passes quickly.

 

[LaxScrutiny]

Addictions are illnesses, and unfortunately we can't snap our fingers and make them go away.

When he said he wished he was healthier, in a larger sense he was saying he wished he could deal with his addictions. He wished he could find pleasure in life that didn't require such dependancies.

 

[RJDiogenes]

It was more of an expression of dismay than lack of sympathy; I generally do feel sorry for the struggles that people endure.

 

[Miss Chicken]

Addictions are illnesses, and unfortunately we can't snap our fingers and make them go away.

When he said he wished he was healthier, in a larger sense he was saying he wished he could deal with his addictions. He wished he could find pleasure in life that didn't require such dependancies.

I smoked for 18 years but gave it up when I was diagnosed with asthma. I went cold turkey. It was difficult but no where near as difficult as people were telling me it would be.

Myself and the female friend who later died made a pact to give up smoking together. She went without smoking for two years but then took it up again even though she had had two heart attacks. To me there is no sane explanation for that.

She and I had an argument because she asked me to tell her daughter that she wasn't smoking if her daughter asked me. I told my friend I wouldn't lie to her daughter and my friend told me I wasn't being loyal if I informed her daughter.

I knew my friend had told her doctor that she wasn't smoking. I went to the same doctor so, without mentioning her by name, I told him 'my friend' had started to smoke again and I was worried. My doctor knew who I meant and after that he would often ask me how 'my friend' was when I went to see him.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

I know a person like that. He is not yet 40, has already had a heart attack and has diabetes. He doesn't smoke, but he badly needs to lose weight. He endlessly researches ways to lose weight, but never gets off his ass to actually do anything about it. More than a few times he gives in to his immense sugar cravings and will eat a whole box of cookies. I have a fear that he secretly wants these things to happen to him. He has had chronic depression all his life and has often spoken of suicide in the past, but says he always lacked the courage to do it. His illness maybe a slow, subtle way of dying that other people will accept as going by "natural causes".

And yes this person is me.

I speak from experience when I say there is little you can do with people like me. We have to find their own time and place when we make the decision to follow the path we know is right. Perhaps it will come in a flash. Perhaps it will be a slow process. Perhaps it won't come at all. Good health is a way of life and unless you are willing to adjust to make the adjustment many people simply won't.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Have you tried any kind of counseling?

 

[Trippy]

I've struggled with the weight issue and smoking since I was 10! (yes, traumatic event set it off). I'm almost two years off cigarettes and lost oodles of weight (nearly 100 pounds!), but it's been creeping back ever since my back/sciatic injury in September. This causes depression (I am in constant pain) so I start my eating as comfort cycle again

Have full physical in January to re-investigate cause of pain. Physio didn't help

So I guess, you can want to help someone, support them, but ultimately it is the individual who has to want to make the change.

 

[Traveller]

I understand that you're angry - you compare your neighbour with your relative and find that life is unfair. The way you see it, your neighbour could have avoided his fate, if only he'd had changed his behaviour.

But an addiction is nothing you control, it controls you. And just because you managed to stop smoking (and you have my highest respect for that) doesn't mean it is as easy or managable for everyone else. People have different backgrounds, different personalities, different levels of strength and self-control. Suppose your neighbour was being sincere when he wished he could stop to self-destruct - that would mean he somehow never found the strength to act. He failed. This would make me sad, not angry.

I'm the only one of my family who doesn't smoke. My grandparents died of heart attacks, stroke, lung or throat cancer. My mother smokes although she's already developed arrythmia and her mother died of a heart attack. I've talked to her, more than once. She agrees with everything I say, but she can't stop "just yet". Because she's so stressed out at the moment and the cigarettes help her to cope. As soon as life gets better, she'll stop. Really.

I'm not angry at her. I know that some day, she'll have a heart attack, it's just a matter of time. And I can do nothing to prevent that. It's her decision, her life, I can't force her to live it differently. But how could I be angry at her? She's doing the best that she can. And I know I am weak in different things, so who am I to judge her?

 

[Mr Awe]

It's normal to be angry and upset at people who died, as strange as that may sound. So, don't feel bad about that. They did dumb things while they lived. That should've made you upset then. Then they died because of their actions. It's natural that would also upset you. It's like they murdered themselves, but slowly over time.

I think the key to feeling more sympathetic towards them is to realize that they're only human. Sometimes we can't overcome all of our issues. Most people can't really change some core stuff. That's tough. Maybe they had deeper, unresolved issues that pushed them towards self-destructive behavior? Even if not, simple behavior modification can be difficult enough.

In the end, they were human with limitations and problems that they could just not overcome. So, give yourself permission to be angry at them but at the same time try to see the human side of them. Over time anger will become just being upset, which in turn will become sympathy.

Mr Awe

 

[Colonel Green]

I smoked for 18 years but gave it up when I was diagnosed with asthma. I went cold turkey. It was difficult but no where near as difficult as people were telling me it would be.

People experience different degrees of addiction to nicotine. Don't assume that your experience was the same as that of those who told you it would be harder.

 

[Kestra]

I can see where the feelings are coming from, but I also think we all have our weaknesses, some more serious than others. I sometimes do things that I know aren't in my best interests but I do them anyway. It sounds like some of the people in this thread share that experience.

I hate when people smoke. I lost someone who was like a grandfather to me because of it more than ten years ago and I still miss him every day. I can't imagine what his wife feels like. I have an uncle that smokes, my father-in-law smokes, and I dread what outcome it may have on their health. But I also know that they've both tried quitting many times, and failed, and I can't imagine what that addiction is like. I'm actually taking an addiction studies class starting next week because the field both interests and horrifies me.

Life would be better if we always had the strength and knowledge to do what is best for us, but we don't. That's no reason to stop trying to control destructive behaviors, but sometimes a person simply isn't strong enough to overcome them.

 

[freak]

Sorry to hear of your friend and neighbor dying. Some people you just can't inform how to run their life because they're gonna do it no matter how hard you try to tell them NOT to do it. They have to wanna quit smoking THEMSELVES, just as they have to wanna loose weight THEMSELVES if they want to or need to. Some people it's just like talking to a brick wall when you're saying: cigs are bad for you. I myself have never picked up a cig in my entire LIFE and will never EVER pick up one. I think they're disgusting, horrid habits that need to be broken. My parents smoked for years and while they smoked, they made the paneling in the house(walls..the color was white..now it's more like off-white) turn this yucky yellowish color BECAUSE of smoking..it ages the house, as well as yourself.
Anyway, some people get lung cancer who have never puffed up a cig in their lifetime. I guess they get it either by second-hand smoke or some other means? I mean, not for sure about that.