Humor

[Gryffindorian]

It's been a long while since we last had a joke thread, so let me share a little bit of senior humor.

* * *


Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out..
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[tharpdevenport]

A 90 year old man goes to a brothel. The mistriss asks:
"Sir, how old are you?"
"90," he replies.
"90? Sir, don't you know you;ve already had it?"
"I have," he looks puzzled, "how much do I owe you?"

An old man goes into a confessional...
"Forgive me father, for I have sined."
"It's okay my son. What did you do?"
"Yesterday I picked up two teenage girls and took then to a motel and had sex with both of them twice."
"How old are you?"
"92."
"92? What kind of catholic are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling EVERYONE!!!!!"

A ship with a dog, a man and a pig crashes in a desert ilse.
Late one night, while lying on their backs, the man rolls over and starts whispering sweet nothings into the pigs ears.
The dog says, "Hey! You leave that pig alone!"

The next day, a beautiful women gets stranded on the ilse.
Late at night while they are all lying on their backs, looking at the starts, the man leans over and whispers, "Hey ... can you take the dog for a walk?"

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "OW!"

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine both say?
A: Insert Bill Here.

Q: What is the coldest part of a man's body?
A: His balls -- they're two below.


Q: What did Adam say to Eve when he first saw her?
A: "Get out of the way! I don't know how big this thing gets!!!"

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

A: Doughnuts!

Heard these on the radio:

1. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa.


2. I have two wives, and I treat them both nicely. Isn't that big of me?

3. Have you heard about the new movie, "Constapated"? It hasn't come out yet.

4. This guy meets a beautiful girl. He eventually asks her name.
"Carmen," she replies.
"Pretty name," he says.
"It's a combination of my two favorite things: cars and men."
"Really, I did that too," replies the man.
"What's your name?" she asks.
"Golftits."

This Swedish girl walks into a bar and sits on a stool.
"What'll you take?" asks the bartender.
"Ummm," she says in a thick Swedish accent.
"How about some Budweiser?
"NOooo," she replies.
He thinks and then says, "Anheuser-Busch?"
"Fine, and how's your willy?"

Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove Newfoundland and attends First Grade. After school she tells her father that they learned about The History of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Newfoundland Christian girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent a Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Canadian Soldiers can shoot the fucker!"

Four nuns die and go to Heaven.

As they arrive at the gates, Saint Peter holds them back, "Not so fast; because of all the scandals happening, you have to confess your sins before you can enter."

They get in line and the first nun comes up and says, "I touched the head of a penis once."
Peter replies, "Say one hail Mary and dip the finger in that pond of holy water."
The next nun comes up, "I jerked a guy off once."
"At least you admitted it. One hail Mary and dip your hand in the holy water."
He looks over and sees the last two nuns fighting, "Sisters! Sisters! What ever is the matter?"
"Saint Peter, if I gotta gargle with that stuff, I want do it before Sister May Thomas sticks her ass in it!"

This gay guy wakes up to a bunch of noise and walks into the living room. He sees his boyfriend whacking off into a small brown lunch bag, "What are you doing?"
"I'm packing your lunch!!!"

These nuns are paiting the inside of a chapel building during the summer. It gets so hot that they decide to take their cloths all off since no one else is around.
Sure enough, ten minutes into the painting a knock comes at the door.
One of the nuns waddles to the door and asks, "Who's there?"
"Blind man," comes a reply from a man.
"Blind man?"
"Yeah."
So they nod there heads and agree to let him in.
After a few minutes of standing there and looking around he finally says, "Nice tits sisters. Now where do you want the blinds?"

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania after sunset. Suddenly - bang! A hissing, snarling vampire lands on the windshield.
"Sister -- show him your cross!" shouts the first nun.
The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Hey - asshole! Get off the fucking car!"

Memo to all employees:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T..
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.).

 

[Vulcan Princess]

I studied philosophy in college, so I like to tell philosophy jokes.

Descartes walks into a café and sits down ready to order. A waiter comes up to him and asks, "Do you need a menu?" Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears!

Overheard in 18th century England: "Did you hear that George Berkeley died? His girlfriend stopped seeing him."

Q: How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to argue that the light bulb never burned out, and one to argue that true light is impossible.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Some oldies but goodies.

 

[Aurian]

Just by judging from this thread I don't have any humor..

 

[Luckyflux]

Favorite all time joke ever...

Q--What is the smallest hotel in the world?













A--A pussy! You can go in, but your bags have to stay out!

 

[Gryffindorian]

Man, this thread bombs. Before it sinks to the bottom of the ocean ...

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Three - One to climb up the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbul--

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!"

 

[farmkid]

For those of you who know your way around a workbench:

Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

Wire Wheel
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouch....”

Electric Hand Drill
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

Pliers
Used to round off bolt heads.

Hacksaw
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

Whitworth Sockets
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

Hydraulic Floor Jack
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

8' Douglas Fir 2x4
Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

Tweezers
A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn’t use anyway.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist
A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

Craftsman ½"x16" Screwdriver
A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

Aviation Metal Snips
See hacksaw.

Trouble Light
The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells were used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO and neatly rounds off their heads.

Pry Bar
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

Hose Cutter
A tool used to cut hoses too short.

Hammer
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic’s Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Dammit Tool
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Damn it!” at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

Expletive
A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Top 12 Signs of a Bad Economy

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf..

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in
the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and
GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their
children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4.. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia
are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are
starving in America ?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all:

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have
to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Trying to remember these two from memory:

This guy dies. He wakes up in fire and brimstone. Suddenly a horrible big red man with a tail appears and booms, "I am Satan -- your new master!"
"Wait -- I'm not supposed to be here!"
"Pretty sure you are. Come; I will show you what you will be doing for all of eternity."
So the guy follows the devil to a door. Satan opesn the door to reveal a beautiful woman.
"What this?"
"You will be having sex for the rest of eternity."
"Well, I think I can pull that off!"
"But I need to see how you do."
"Okay, no problem," unzips.
"But it has to be in the ass. For all eternity."
"Win some, lose some," goes over there and 69's her until completion.
Satan nods in approval.
"Heck yeah, I could do this for eternity."
"You sure?" asks the Devil.
"Hell yeah."
"Okay. Good work," turns and yells out the door, "Bring in Hitler!"

Three guys die and go ot Heaven. They notice ducks are everywhere.
Someone appears and speaks, "I am Saint Peter. Welcome to Heaven."
The three nod.
"You will live forever in peace and happiness. We have only one rule though -- don't step on a duck. If you do, you will be punished."
"Okay," the three say. They walk in threw the opened gates.

A couple days later, sure enough, one of them steps on a duck.
"Damn."
Saint Peter appears, "I warned you," and with that they both disappear.
The two remaining look at each other nervously in a sea of ducks.

Try as they might, a couple weeks later another one steps on a duck. QUACK!
Saint Peter appears, nods his head disapprovingly, and he and the guy vanish.
Last guy looks around nervously at all the ducks.

A month goes by. He walks around when suddenly he stumbles and almost steps on a duck. Satin Peter appears.
"I didn't step no duck!"
"I know," says Saint Peter.
"What then?"
Suddenly a beautiful girl appears chained to his wrist. Saint Peter disappears.
"What are you here for?" asks the man.
She replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped o na duck."

 

[trekkiedane]

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

 

[Vulcan Princess]

^That's a good one. I've heard the same joke, but it was a lawyer instead.

 

[trekkiedane]

^That's a good one. I've heard the same joke, but it was a lawyer instead.

Had it been a lawyer giving information like that -for free- I wouldn't have bought the joke


Anyway, I love math jokes:

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." St. Thomas looked very confused and asked St. Peter: "What does the teacher mean?" St.Peter replied: "Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas."

 

[Starbreaker]

A ship with a dog, a man and a pig crashes in a desert ilse.
Late one night, while lying on their backs, the man rolls over and starts whispering sweet nothings into the pigs ears.
The dog says, "Hey! You leave that pig alone!"

The next day, a beautiful women gets stranded on the ilse.
Late at night while they are all lying on their backs, looking at the starts, the man leans over and whispers, "Hey ... can you take the dog for a walk?"

I don't get this one.

 

[Amaris]

A ship with a dog, a man and a pig crashes in a desert ilse.
Late one night, while lying on their backs, the man rolls over and starts whispering sweet nothings into the pigs ears.
The dog says, "Hey! You leave that pig alone!"

The next day, a beautiful women gets stranded on the ilse.
Late at night while they are all lying on their backs, looking at the starts, the man leans over and whispers, "Hey ... can you take the dog for a walk?"

I don't get this one.

The man is telling this beautiful woman to take the dog for a walk. In other words, he wants to get it with the pig instead of the beautiful woman.

J.

 

[Starbreaker]

Oh... okay. Thanks. I was uber confused for some reason.

 

[Amaris]

It happens.


J.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

"I tried to walk into Target - but I MISSED!" - Mitch Hedberg

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

"I tried to walk into Target - but I MISSED!" - Mitch Hedberg

I love Hedberg! Another one of his gems:

"I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table."