How Do You Forgive?

[JiNX-01]

I am trying to be more positive and really focus on the good things in life...but I feel my anger and resentment toward my family, who are completely toxic and negative is holding me back. They have done some horrible things to me in the past and always try to keep me down. I try and do something to better myself and they say I can't do it, it will never happen. All this hurts and I catch my self saying "I hate them". I really don't want that and even if I got away from them and their negativity all the anger and resentment will still be there in the back of my mind. How do I free myself of this and move on emotionally?

I would appreciate serious responses only, please.

You're not going to be able to do it alone. I suggest you get into counseling where you can learn to think positively about yourself and your dreams -- don't give up on those just because your family has -- and discover ways to unlearn the negativity you have lived with all your life.

And don't hesitate to turn to good friends who will encourage you when your confidence in yourself falters. If you don't have friends who can supply that, PM me. Seriously, I'm really good at being supportive.

 

[Danoz]

I am trying to be more positive and really focus on the good things in life...but I feel my anger and resentment toward my family, who are completely toxic and negative is holding me back. They have done some horrible things to me in the past and always try to keep me down. I try and do something to better myself and they say I can't do it, it will never happen. All this hurts and I catch my self saying "I hate them". I really don't want that and even if I got away from them and their negativity all the anger and resentment will still be there in the back of my mind. How do I free myself of this and move on emotionally?

I would appreciate serious responses only, please.

I don't know.

I've never been consumed by negativity, personally-- and (I'm really not tooting my own horn) forgiveness has come exceptionally easy. I've always been treated very well by my family. I avoid conflict like the plague... so even if I'm really upset I can usually forgive and forget without much effort.

 

[Kestra]

Interesting thread, and I applaud your efforts. Forgiveness is often not an easy thing for me. I especially don't know how to forgive someone who hasn't apologized or ask for forgiveness or acknowledged wrongdoings in any way. Should people like that even be forgiven? It seems wrong and assuming, somehow.

 

[Jetfire]

^
I just don't want the negative feelings when ever I seem/hear them...right now I have to stay around them because I have no where to go and no way to support a move right now.

I just want to move on with my life and holding on to anger and resentment isn't going to help me at all...it will keep holding me back. Even if I wasn't around them I would still have some anger and resentment in the back of my mind and I need it gone completely for my own sake...not theirs. When someone says "you will never..." I don't want to be angry with them, I want to smile and say "Yes I will". With that anger comes fear and that fear hurts in my efforts in having the life I want.

I appreciate all the comments.

 

[Jan]

Interesting thread, and I applaud your efforts. Forgiveness is often not an easy thing for me. I especially don't know how to forgive someone who hasn't apologized or ask for forgiveness or acknowledged wrongdoings in any way. Should people like that even be forgiven? It seems wrong and assuming, somehow.

If not forgiving uses up your energy with no desireable result then perhaps it's best to forgive and move on. Forgive doesn't mean absolve and it's not something that is necessarily done for the offender. It's done for yourself.

Interesting, though. I've never understood why people want apologies. I've so often found them insincere or just going through the motions that I almost prefer not to get them.

Jan

 

[Thespeckledkiwi]

Usually it's my fault...sooooo...it's hard to forgive when it's usually my fault.

 

[Kestra]

Interesting, though. I've never understood why people want apologies. I've so often found them insincere or just going through the motions that I almost prefer not to get them.

For me, it's not about wanting someone to grovel or something like that. It's about an acknowledgment that something went wrong somewhere, because then I have hope that things may actually change in the future.

 

[Jetfire]

I know one thing I need to stop thinking about all the stuff that upsets me with my family...it is not helping...but I don't know how to not think about it.

 

[Jan]

It's a matter of retraining your mind. We tend to develop habits of thought, just like habits of actions, and the solution is the same - every time you start to fall back into the habit, do something to replace the unwanted thoughts with what you want to concentrate on.

It takes time, but I'm living proof that it can be done. I did it the first time as a teen when I noticed that I kept thinking really negative thoughts about my looks and general self-worth. Then I did it again a few years ago to stop brooding about my divorce. It probably took a few months each time but eventually I got out of the negative habits and concentrated more on the positive.

Somebody above mentioned counseling, and that's certainly an option you may want to explore, but it's worth trying the do-it-yoruself approach first.

Jan

 

[Jetfire]

It's a matter of retraining your mind. We tend to develop habits of thought, just like habits of actions, and the solution is the same - every time you start to fall back into the habit, do something to replace the unwanted thoughts with what you want to concentrate on.

It takes time, but I'm living proof that it can be done. I did it the first time as a teen when I noticed that I kept thinking really negative thoughts about my looks and general self-worth. Then I did it again a few years ago to stop brooding about my divorce. It probably took a few months each time but eventually I got out of the negative habits and concentrated more on the positive.

Somebody above mentioned counseling, and that's certainly an option you may want to explore, but it's worth trying the do-it-yoruself approach first.

Jan

I have been trying to do this and it will take some time...I would feel better being away from them...because new stuff happens every day to upset me. I just don't have the option of moving now.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

It's a matter of retraining your mind. We tend to develop habits of thought, just like habits of actions, and the solution is the same - every time you start to fall back into the habit, do something to replace the unwanted thoughts with what you want to concentrate on.

It takes time, but I'm living proof that it can be done. I did it the first time as a teen when I noticed that I kept thinking really negative thoughts about my looks and general self-worth. Then I did it again a few years ago to stop brooding about my divorce. It probably took a few months each time but eventually I got out of the negative habits and concentrated more on the positive.

Somebody above mentioned counseling, and that's certainly an option you may want to explore, but it's worth trying the do-it-yoruself approach first.

Jan

I have been trying to do this and it will take some time...I would feel better being away from them...because new stuff happens every day to upset me. I just don't have the option of moving now.

Sometimes you do just need to get out, because other people will cause you to lose track of your own personal development, or stagnate it. They won't give you the space to exert yourself and instead you become an extension of them. I for one can't spend much time with most of my family, because they never try to relate to me but merely to some template of what they want their grandson/son/whatever to be. It's really all about them, but they don't quite see it. And so, because they don't see it and so don't mean harm, I go out of my way to be considerate and I end up playing a role. I'm not being me, I'm being the part they want. Who am I? I lose track of myself, because I'm not being truly conscious but instead engaged in a self-deception and an act for others' benefit.

 

[Jetfire]

^
This happens to me...I end up playing the role and I really want to scream and tell them off. I really can't stand being around these people anymore...but I have no money, no job, no where else to go to...it is driving me insane. I really need a miracle at this point.

Earlier today was bad with them...really crushed my spirits.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

First, let me make clear that I'm not a practitioner of Zen Buddhism - among other things, it looks like too much work.

That said, a book that was of enormous help to me in ways such as it sounds like you're looking for is "The Zen Of Recovery." The author, Mel Ash, came out of a toxic family experience that he describes in terms extremely similar to those the O.P. uses.

 

[Itisnotlogical]

Really, if they are truly holding you back from your full potential, then I think that there should be no forgiveness until they stop. If I were you, I'd cut them out like paper mache and throw them away like used garbage. Ultimately though, the best way to get over it is to prove them wrong. Whatever you want to do, you can do it! You're an adult (I'm assuming), and you can do whatever the hell you want. My mother had the same problem, and instead of doing what she wanted, she vegetated and hasn't been truly happy since before I was born. Get your family as far away as possible. Get a job and work like crazy. Get your own crib and out of that toxic environment!

 

[RJDiogenes]

I know one thing I need to stop thinking about all the stuff that upsets me with my family...it is not helping...but I don't know how to not think about it.

Earlier today was bad with them...really crushed my spirits.

Another useful behavior is humor. One thing that really saved me when I was a kid was that whenever my relatives would do something stupid or hurtful, I would always laugh at them. Just remind yourself of how ridiculous they are and chuckle.

 

[Jetfire]

What is good is I am being helped during a tough time...place to stay, food...etc. The bad thing is they treat me like I am their slave and make my life hell and see no problem with it. Because if I don't like it, I can leave...in their words...I would leave if I could and never look back.





This is what is frustrating...I end up dwelling on what I don't want and feeling how I don't want to feel.