How Do You Forgive?

[Jetfire]

I am trying to be more positive and really focus on the good things in life...but I feel my anger and resentment toward my family, who are completely toxic and negative is holding me back. They have done some horrible things to me in the past and always try to keep me down. I try and do something to better myself and they say I can't do it, it will never happen. All this hurts and I catch my self saying "I hate them". I really don't want that and even if I got away from them and their negativity all the anger and resentment will still be there in the back of my mind. How do I free myself of this and move on emotionally?

I would appreciate serious responses only, please.

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

I had the same issues with mine.

I cut them out of my life; I walked away for a little while to clear my head and figure out where my priorites really were.

Once I did that, I realized that the reason I had so much negativity built up was because I let myself become too involved in their problems.

As an example:
When my grandfather (my grandparents raised me) told me I was just like all his other worthless kids, I asked myself why and how. I realized I wasn't even close, and that helped me realize that he was angry at how his children had turned out and was taking it out on me.

I was so upset with them for their behavor, attitudes, and how they treated me that I forgot to see the reasons why they were that way. Once I could step back and really evaluate that why factor, I was able to find some peace.

When I realized my grandfather was bitter because of how he'd raised his children, I realized that it wasn't my fault he was that way. In that, I was able to let go of my bitterness because I was able to let go of the feeling of owenership over his criticism.

See, the thing is, family is really good at making you feel like you should take owenership over things that don't really belong to you and things that should not really belong to you. You have to do the mental check to realize they are not yours to possess. Once you can do that, you can let it pass you by.

In time, it becomes easier to let go of the past and forgive it because it's not a factor in how you are in the present. It's what made you who you are, but it doesn't have to be the deciding force in who you become in the future. Then, you can forgive. But, like all things, it does take some time.

... if that makes sense?

 

[Deckerd]

Harbouring resentment is as profitless as worry. It doesn't affect the objects of your resentment. All it does is make you bitter.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

First of all, i really admire the way you've been making changes...i think it is pretty damn amazing and think you are pretty damn awesome.

Regarding family members. What worked for me probably won't work for you. My dad was a raging alcoholic who did a pretty shitty job of being a father up until a point where both he and i each reached our own epiphanies. We eventually became best friends and i was able to let go of all those feelings. I am so grateful that it happened because when he died i didn't have to live with all those unsaid things and feelings.

My mom and i? It's all still there, constantly bubbling under the surface. I've just come to accept that she will never own up or change. That i am not, nor have i ever been as important to her as her own good time. So, i talk with her as little as possible, we see each other maybe twice a year and i accept that she will never change. And i just don't allow her to hurt me anymore.

Unfortunately, you can't make your family change who they are. You only have the power to change yourself, and so, in order not to let their toxins continually poison you, accept that they won't change and...seek out new family in the form of friends that are loving and supportive. Its all you can do really. It doesn't happen overnight and therapy might be able to help you with that (if you aren't already doing that. And if you are, maybe it's time to find a new therapist, and i firmly believe in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy rather than "Lets talk about your past" therapy.)

But i do think with time, those feelings can fade into the background and stop interfering with your happiness. Cos, they did with me.

Good luck hon! I'm pulling for you 100%. And, i'm always here to listen if you need to talk.

 

[Jetfire]

^^
Yes & Yes.

I don't want to be bitter.

[edit] Thanks Randi.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

I
When I realized my grandfather was bitter because of how he'd raised his children, I realized that it wasn't my fault he was that way. In that, I was able to let go of my bitterness because I was able to let go of the feeling of owenership over his criticism.

This understanding was one of the things that helped me forgive my dad. I realized where he came from, what his childhood was like and why he was the way HE was, why he was the father he was to me...that understanding went a long way in my being able to forgive him. Plus, i got something many kids don't get from their parents....i got an apology from my dad. We were having this "you sucked as a parent" discussion and for the very first time he said, "I know. I did. And i am so sorry." Well, that was like flipping a switch for me. But few people will get that sincere apology and few parents will own up to their mistakes. But, once he did....that was it. Like i said, we became best friends.

It's not impossible that you will ever hear that, but it's also a real possibility that you never will. So you have to just let it go, let it fade into the background and just be responsible for who you are. It's all you can do.

{{{squishy hug}}}

 

[Udat]

Hey man sorry to hear your struggling with your family, that sucks.

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

No, I will never get an apology from my grandfather for how he treated me... really, all of us.

But, I can walk away when he dies with a clear conscience because I understand now why he's like he is, and I can give him compassion. That was something I couldn't do before because I didn't understand.

Compassion and forgiveness seem to go hand-in-hand.

 

[Mr Awe]

I know someone who really holds on tight to resentments. It's sad actually. Life is so short. If you've been wronged by someone, there's no sense in prolonging the pain that they cause you. This person I know feels like if she lets go, they win. That's not the case. You let go, YOU win.

I know this is a classic, easier said than done situation. The person I know has refused to let go despite numerous people telling her this. I hope you can do this.

Mr Awe

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I see it sort of how Yeoman Randi does.

We were having this "you sucked as a parent" discussion and for the very first time he said, "I know. I did. And i am so sorry." Well, that was like flipping a switch for me. But few people will get that sincere apology and few parents will own up to their mistakes. But, once he did....that was it. Like i said, we became best friends. It's not impossible that you will ever hear that, but it's also a real possibility that you never will. So you have to just let it go, let it fade into the background and just be responsible for who you are. It's all you can do.

Well, I think a genuine apology is all that is needed, really, at least in most cases. I believe the real flame of anger and "hate"- at least in those, like the OP and like myself, who don't want to be angry and want to be able to put it aside- is the sense of incompleteness, of being trapped, being unable to bring things to a resolution because you can't resolve it until they make that step. A genuine apology, and that fire goes out. The resentment and bitterness might still be there for a time, but it will fade, and you can either build something new or make your peace and walk away. Sever ties or rebuild them; it's up to you.

In cases where you'll never receive an apology...well, that's much harder. You'll have to learn to either incorporate those feelings of bitterness into yourself in a non-harmful manner (which isn't very appealing) and stop fighting them that way, or else banish them somehow (which seems dishonest to yourself and who you've become). If the former, accepting your bitterness might be the price you have to pay in order to move forward and work at building a new life, where you can hopefully then find many better memories and feelings to push that bitterness into irrelevance. If the latter, you might be sacrificing part of yourself along with the feelings, even if you succeed in banishing them. You might have benefited from that bitterness- as motivation to ensure you don't make similiar mistakes with your children, say.

I myself have a problem with unwanted bitterness and anger, which I want rid of (and for me, "moving on" is a near-impossibility, for reasons of how my mind works). I don't have any answers yet, if I ever will. I do, however, understand the frustrations of family who don't truly respect you or understand you, and there does come a point where you have to simply slip away. You can't let them dominate your life or your sense of self-identity.

 

[Jan]

All this hurts and I catch my self saying "I hate them". I really don't want that and even if I got away from them and their negativity all the anger and resentment will still be there in the back of my mind. How do I free myself of this and move on emotionally?

It's a matter of retraining your brain, I think, and it'll take some time but it can be done.

First, realize how much of your energy is going toward those bad feelings with no good result. It doesn't help you and it doesn't hurt them. So every time you catch yourself thinking the negative thoughts, consciously stop and think of something more positive. Use that energy to reach your goals.

Second, realize that when they tell you you'll never fulfill your dreams, they're protecting themselves. They probably had dreams once that they let go so they've convinced themselves that they're just protecting you by trying to 'warn' you that your dreams will never come true.

Third, it's possible that they're doing the best they can with what they were made. Once I found out what my parents were subjected to by their own parents, I was able to forgive much. Yours may not be doing very well, but you'll never really know how damaged they may be.

And finally, "To thine own self be true". Do what *you* need to for yourself. You're the only one who car really know what you need so don't let anybody talk you out of that.

Good luck.

Jan

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Another thing that came to mind, if I may be so bold. To what degree do you identify with the "you" to whom the events in the past occurred? Myself, I almost relate to the me of the, er, "bad times" as another person, one who died. My anger is over what was done to that child, and almost in an impersonal way- not "why was I treated like that?" but "how could everyone let a child- particular a child like that boy- be treated like that?". My anger is over a failure in principal, not in regard to an individual. This might be part of the problem. Accepting that this child and I are truly the same being is hard for me. I've ended up too distant from myself, dissassociated from the past. I ran away from myself. Indeed, I have a strong belief that I "died" in a sense and what's here now is a shadow of what that child was, or would have become. So I'm wondering- are you looking to forgive what was done to you, or to forgive what was done to whoever it was you used to be? If you are, as you say, desiring to "move on"- what are you moving on from? Don't move too fast, my friend. Don't end up splitting yourself in two.

 

[Joshua Howard]

Be. Do. These words have nothing to do with Was or Will. They have nothing to do with Try or Feel. The rational mind is based in reality and acts on reality. Grudges and anger are not based on rationality.

Be more positive. Your anger and resentment toward your family is toxic and negative, and is holding you back. They are not doing horrible things to you in the present, and they are not keeping you down. Do something to better yourself and it will happen. Do not free yourself. You are free.

We tend to be unhappy because of money that we fear will not be there tomorrow, or because of what wasn't there yesterday. Our anxiety and our problems are never caused by what is now and what cannot be. They are caused by what was or what is to come. They are caused not by what we cannot do now. They are caused by what we fear we should have done or doubt that we will one day be able to do. The entirety of human failure is rooted in mankind's desire to spend more time thinking about the past and future, whether an hour or a decade from now, than on the immediate NOW.

You are the chief dictater of your free mind. No man or woman has the power to deprive you of the inalienable right to think. Every time that you allow outside forces of personality or time strip you of your courage and presence of mind, it is the result of you forgetting this universal fact and key to reason.

Enjoy with patience the game of strategy which life is. Move your own pieces. Have fun. Think. You do not need help defeating negative thoughts. You must understand that you do not need help defeating them, because they cannot exist except by your creation. You, not some random force or combination of forces, are the boss of your mind.

 

[Jetfire]

It's a matter of retraining your brain, I think, and it'll take some time but it can be done.

First, realize how much of your energy is going toward those bad feelings with no good result. It doesn't help you and it doesn't hurt them. So every time you catch yourself thinking the negative thoughts, consciously stop and think of something more positive. Use that energy to reach your goals.

Second, realize that when they tell you you'll never fulfill your dreams, they're protecting themselves. They probably had dreams once that they let go so they've convinced themselves that they're just protecting you by trying to 'warn' you that your dreams will never come true.

Third, it's possible that they're doing the best they can with what they were made. Once I found out what my parents were subjected to by their own parents, I was able to forgive much. Yours may not be doing very well, but you'll never really know how damaged they may be.

And finally, "To thine own self be true". Do what *you* need to for yourself. You're the only one who car really know what you need so don't let anybody talk you out of that.

Good luck.

Jan

Thanks & I agree with this.

Another thing that came to mind, if I may be so bold. To what degree do you identify with the "you" to whom the events in the past occurred? Myself, I almost relate to the me of the, er, "bad times" as another person, one who died. My anger is over what was done to that child, and almost in an impersonal way- not "why was I treated like that?" but "how could everyone let a child- particular a child like that boy- be treated like that?". My anger is over a failure in principal, not in regard to an individual. This might be part of the problem. Accepting that this child and I are truly the same being is hard for me. I've ended up too distant from myself, dissassociated from the past. I ran away from myself. Indeed, I have a strong belief that I "died" in a sense and what's here now is a shadow of what that child was, or would have become. So I'm wondering- are you looking to forgive what was done to you, or to forgive what was done to whoever it was you used to be? If you are, as you say, desiring to "move on"- what are you moving on from? Don't move too fast, my friend. Don't end up splitting yourself in two.

I want to forgive them for all of it. I am moving on to the life I want for myself, what I've always wanted. I haven't split myself in 2 and don't plan to...because I am whole in who I am. I felt I have moved away from who I was in the past...but I am connecting back to that and much happier with myself.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I want to forgive them for all of it. I am moving on to the life I want for myself, what I've always wanted. I haven't split myself in 2 and don't plan to...because I am whole in who I am. I felt I have moved away from who I was in the past...but I am connecting back to that and much happier with myself.

That's good to hear!

 

[Jetfire]

I want to forgive them for all of it. I am moving on to the life I want for myself, what I've always wanted. I haven't split myself in 2 and don't plan to...because I am whole in who I am. I felt I have moved away from who I was in the past...but I am connecting back to that and much happier with myself.

That's good to hear!

The more I moved away from myself the more self-destructive I became...I also think I need to truly forgive myself. I used to be a bright shining light and slowly became darkness the more sad and angry and hurt I felt. That is what I need to let go of...those feelings and a big part of it comes from my history with my family.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I want to forgive them for all of it. I am moving on to the life I want for myself, what I've always wanted. I haven't split myself in 2 and don't plan to...because I am whole in who I am. I felt I have moved away from who I was in the past...but I am connecting back to that and much happier with myself.

That's good to hear!

The more I moved away from myself the more self-destructive I became...I also think I need to truly forgive myself. I used to be a bright shining light and slowly became darkness the more sad and angry and hurt I felt. That is what I need to let go of...those feelings and a big part of it comes from my history with my family.

I understand. Forgiving yourself is always the hardest of all.

 

[propita]

Thanks for this thread!

My 95yo grandmother has always been toxic towards her only child, my poor 75yo mother. Well, my grandmother is toxic in general. My Mom does not feel that she can just write off or walk away from her mother, but drives the 20 miles into LA at least twice per month to help my grandmother run her errands. Mom says that she is obligated to "honor" her mother, she is not obligated to "love" her. And she doesn't love her mother--though she desparately wants to and to be loved by her mother. My grandmother is one of those people who believes she is right no matter what.

So I listen to my mother about it--I speak to her at least once a day since Dad died 3 years ago, to make sure she talks to someone during the day--and try to nudge her into framing this in her own mind in a healthier way.

My grandmother believes, rightfully, that her grandchildren do not love her. We don't. We're neutral to strong dislike. Right now, I would not be sad to see my grandmother gone, I will not mourn her passing. I'm more upset that she outlived my Dad after giving him hell all the years he was married to Mom.

But...if my grandmother were to have a change of heart and acknowledge her errors and show some actual love to Mom, I would mourn her passing. I don't want anything from her for me, I just want Mom to have the love from her mother that Mom always needed.

I'm taking notes on the advice some of you have posted.

 

[RJDiogenes]

The more I moved away from myself the more self-destructive I became...I also think I need to truly forgive myself. I used to be a bright shining light and slowly became darkness the more sad and angry and hurt I felt. That is what I need to let go of...those feelings and a big part of it comes from my history with my family.

Sounds like you're on the right road. The best thing to do is remember that it doesn't matter what your family thinks-- it matters what you think. You get to decide to be happy. You get to decide to have a great life in spite of what anybody did to you. You also get to decide to feel pity and compassion for them because they are what they are. That's what I do.

 

[Jetfire]

^
I am with you on that RJD.