Hey Hey, We're from Starfleet – Just a Bill's TOS/Monkees parody album

[Just a Bill]

This is the imaginary soundtrack for an imaginary off-off-Broadway musical about Star Trek TOS, in the form of a parody of the Monkees' discography. The germ of this idea began to ferment in the Chekov’s Hair Club For Starfleet Crewmembers thread when user @Qonundrum joked about "The Last Train to Minskville." This was of course a tragic miscalculation, because my brain misinterpreted that as a demented challenge; and now here we are.

Weird Al Yankovic is hands-down the master of the song parody. You won't see any of that genius on display here, but I have been a fan since about 1983. I can only hope to come close to Al's attention to cadence, congruence, syllabic faithfulness, wordplay, and just plain creativity. I'm going to emulate his wisdom in not taking requests, nor reading other people's parody ideas before developing my own. Accordingly, I ask that those of you with similar creative urges will do me the courtesy of posting them in your own Fan Fiction parody thread, rather than here, to help protect me from accusations of plagiarism and my own forgetfulness about what I've seen others write.

I'm working on several different songs at the same time; as each one is completed I'll add it to the thread. Fortunately some of them will never be tolerable enough to publish, so even when things get really bad you can at least still take hope that the torment will eventually stop.

Released: 6​

In Post-Production: 2​

Being Written: 4​

Barely Even a Glint in Their Father's Eye: 12​

I will start each parody with a Spotify YouTube* link to the original Monkees track. I recommend listening to the original first (or along with) to get a sense of how the new lyrics fit.

* apparently Spotify only plays excerpts

 

[Just a Bill]

Let's start with the most fictitiously controversial one. When the fake songwriters heard about this fake Star Trek musical, they got to work right away and cranked out two songs, one of which was Last Ship From Bajor. They released these songs hoping to generate some credibility for themselves, but unfortunately they had failed to grasp that this phony musical was to be about the classic Trek characters. As the song was already written, they then set about recasting the lyrics. Some say the new version is an improvement, while others say it's pathetic that the writing team would recycle their own dregs in such a shameless manner. One thing most commentators can agree on is, what was the point?

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(Take the) K-7 Shuttle
parody of Last Train to Clarksville
shameless rewrite of Last Ship from Bajor

Take the K-7 shuttle
And go infiltrate the station
Your new name will be Arne Darvin
Here's your fake authentication
Don't be slow
Oh, no, no, no
Oh, no, no, no

Now you're leavin' in the morning
And you must make no delay
You'll report to Mister Baris
And become his attaché
Now you must go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
And I don't know if you're ever comin' home

Take the K-7 shuttle
Nilz is waiting on the station
They don't know what Raktajino is there
All the food is Federation
Oh, no, no, no
Oh, no, no, no

Take your K-7 mission
And don't contact us again
We won't answer any queries
Now until your mission ends
You're on your own
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
And I don't know if you're ever comin' home

Go!

Take your K-7 mission
Sherman's Planet we must gain
This is crucial to our conquest
So make sure you spike that grain
Don't let it grow
Oh, no, no, no
Oh, no, no, no
And I doubt if you are ever coming home

Take your K-7 mission
Muster all your ambition
You might suffer perdition
Or at least malnutrition

 

[Just a Bill]

The second song was also released as a single (in that other thread), but then was revised ever so slightly for the official premiere of the officially bogus musical. If you are a true, hard-core Trek fan then you will naturally want to breathlessly race over to that thread to read the original version; as a "prerelease variant" I'm certain it will someday become a precious collectors' item. I'm also certain you will want to buy one of my "official-not-official" one-square-meter parcels of prime Vulcan septic field grassland.

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Doesn't Come 'Til Tuesday
parody of Pleasant Valley Sunday

The legendary James T. Kirk
Is tryin' hard to save a ship
He offers "tractor beam" in vain
Because it's just a P.R. trip

The tractor doesn’t come 'til Tuesday (Tuesday)
Nexus burnin' everywhere
Scores of people that are gonna die
'Cause no one was prepared

See Captain John, his face is long
With no torpedoes on demand
And Captain Jim, he's feelin' grim
He's got a gap in every plan

Torpedoes don't show up 'til Tuesday (Tuesday)
This is getting' out of hand
Can't Starfleet realize how dumb this is?
And the crew just don't understand

Now the Nexus rolls
Something has grabbed my soul
Feels oddly like pneumonia
My thoughts are stirred and cast
To times and people past
I need to see Antoniaaa-aaa-aaaaaa

chop chop-chop chop, crack crack crack crack,
cook cook cook cook — space owes me one (Ahh)
ride ride ride ride, jump jump jump jump,
think think think think — eh, sounds like fun (Ahh)

The med staff doesn't come 'til Tuesday (Tuesday)
People hurtin' everywhere
You're all now nurses until Tuesday
You, you! You! Go over there!

The D had poker games on Tuesday (ah, weekly games on Tuesday)
Ferengi Tongo night was Tuesday (confront, evade on Tuesday)
And Odo's crime report on Tuesday (with Kira's help on Tuesday)
NX had movie nights on Tuesday (but, then they moved to Monday)
Don't flip a second card on Tuesday (unless it's dark on Tuesday?)
Beheadings don't take place on Tuesday (no, those we do on We'n'sday)
And A.I. Zora's Taco Tuesday (but, praytell what's a Tuesday?)

 

[Just a Bill]

And now, to commemorate the sold-out, standing-room-only (unless you have a chair in your house) premiere of Hey Hey, We're from Starfleet, as a fully paid charter member of this nonsense you too can be among the first adoring fans to experience the first new parody song to be released in, well, days, I suppose. Maybe weeks. Whatever.

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Cheer up Weepy Steve
parody of Daydream Believer

Oh, this is odd: parents slain
Children act like nothing's changed
McCoy says trauma could affect their brains
They all seem quite at ease
They pretend to sting like bees
They're only sad when they don't get their way

Cheer up, weepy Steve
Don't bother to grieve
You're a nightmare deceiver
With a lame ice-cream peeve

They complain and rant
Then they do their creepy chant
Friendly Angel gives them new demands
He makes them plot among themselves
Turn the ship to Marcos Twelve
The bridge crew is like putty in their hands

Cheer up, naughty Don
Just keep rolling on
You're a nightmare deceiver
And your soul's almost gone

Cheer up, scary Mare
Live without a care
You're a nightmare deceiver
And you just aren't all there

[Instrumental Re-Intro]

Cheer up, shady Ray
Just another day
You're a nightmare deceiver
And your mind's gone astray

Cheer up, bossy Tom
Your "friend" killed your mom
You're a nightmare deceiver
And a storm in the calm

Cheer up, minion kids
You all flipped your lids…

 

[Just a Bill]

This seems to be one of my favorites. Not sure why, or even if I should admit that.

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The World I Knew Somewhere
parody of The Girl I Knew Somewhere

You tell me that I've never seen this world before
But these are things I know that I've seen somewhere
These wardrobe bits and movie props I've seen in other hits and flops
All bring to mind traces of a world,
A world that I've seen somewhere

I'll try to put my finger on what it is
That says to me "Now this... looks like Ben-Hur"
And now it's dancing Arab girls, then over there a Nazi world
And now it seems they have unfurled
The robe that Gilligan wore somewhere

Someway, somehow, this same window prop
Someone, somewhere — Hey! Floyd's Barber Shop!

[Instrumental Break]

Well, hello, there, I recognize a thing again (Hello, there, I recognize a thing again)
My mem'ries are still churning from the last time (My mem'ries are still churning from the last time)
I think those booths in Gem's dark place were also seen in Lost in Space
Or maybe some Time Tunnel chase
Oh well, I know I saw 'em somewhere

It seems that bird the Squire shot was in an Outer Limits plot
Or was it linked to Lancelot?
Oh well, I'm sure I saw it somewhere

 

[Just a Bill]

Here's one of this fantasy production's more meticulously researched lyrical abominations. Receipts to follow.

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Just a Doc
parody of Steppin' Stone

I-I-I-I-I won't be layin' bricks
I-I-I-I-I can't do magic tricks

I'm try'na keep my crew at their healthy peak
I'm usin' all the tools that I have each week
From special sterile fields down to cotton swabs
But everyone around me wants these other jobs

I say I-I-I-I-I don't make shuttles fly
I-I-I-I-I don't dig in a mine (No!)

Not a scientist (I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor)
Not a physicist (I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor)

I-I-I-I-I'm no psychiatrist (No!)

When I first came aboard, my role was pretty clear
When people felt like crap, then they'd come down here
I've been awful careful to stay in my lane
But you won't find my name under jack of all trades

I say I-I-I-I-I don't keep track of guests (No, sir, not me)
I-I-I-I-I will not peddle flesh (No!)

No mechanic here (I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor)
I'm not an engineer (I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor)

Won't be layin' bricks (Doc-doc-just-a-doc)
Can't do magic tricks (Doc-doc-just-a-doc)
Not a shuttle guy (Doc-doc-just-a-doc)
Don't dig in a mine (Doc-doc-just-a-doc)
I'm a doc; no escalator here (Just a surgeon, yeah)
Not a scientist (Just a country doc)
Not a physicist (Just a country doc)
No mechanic here (Just a country doc)
Not an engineer (Just a country doc)

 

[Just a Bill]

Liner notes / DVD commentary

As promised threatened, the receipts for Just a Doc:

won't be layin' bricks	1x26 Devil in the Dark	I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer.
can't do magic tricks	2x11 Deadly Years	I'm not a magician, Spock, just an old country doctor.
don't make shuttles fly	1x02 Corbomite Maneuver	What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?
don't dig in a mine	3x08 Empath	I'm a doctor, not a coal miner.
not a scientist not a physicist	2x02 Metamorphosis	I'm not a scientist or a physicist, Mister Spock…
no psychiatrist	1x28 City on the Edge	I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist.
don't keep track of guests	1x20 The Alternative Factor	I don't know, Jim. This is a big ship. I'm just a country doctor.
will not peddle flesh	2x22 Return to Tomorrow	I will not peddle flesh. I'm a physician.
no mechanic here	2x06 Doomsday Machine 3x08 Empath	No. I'm a doctor, not a mechanic. I'm not a mechanic. I couldn't get that thing to work …
not an engineer	2x10 Mirror, Mirror	I'm a doctor, not an engineer.
no escalator here	2x03 Friday's Child	Look, I'm a doctor, not an escalator!

 

[Just a Bill]

The writers of this musical from Sto-vo-kor are pretty big Weird Al fans, so of course they could not complete the production without a food song. Yes, Weepy Steve does mention ice cream, but to really do it right they wanted a true culinary catastrophe; a smörgåsbord of shame.

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Rainbow Cubes
parody of Shades of Gray

When Starfleet and I were young
Just yesteryear
Meals were such a normal thing
Such freedom here

It was easy then to find meat and fish
Easy then to get decent knish
When a man could have his wish
Almost any dish

But today there's no organic meat
Today there are no frosted treats
Today not even pickled beets
Only rainbow cubes

I remember when
The options had such range
Our food never looked like blocks
Or tasted strange

It was easy then to eat rhubarb pies
Tater tots and curly fries
Sweet potatoes car'melized
And peas with small black eyes

But today there are no spiral hams
Today there are no candied yams
Today not even boiled clams
Only rainbow cubes

[Instrumental Break]

It was easy then to get cheese soufflé
Cottage cheese or curds and whey
Crème brûlée; parfait; sorbet
Even goose pâté

But today there's no filet mignon
Today no chicken parmesan
Today not even half a prawn
Only rainbow cubes

Endless rainbow cubes…