Help! I'm in love with a friend! What do I do???

[DonIago]

Thanks for all the advice guys, it has been a massive help. I think now that I should tell him how I feel, at the very least it will take the question of 'is he or isn't he" away. We've agreed to go out for dinner tonight, unfortunately a mutual female friend will be there as well, so hopefully I can get rid of her long enough to at least tell him theres something I would like to talk about.

Question is now, how do I bring it up? Do i just come out and say it or should I try a more subtle, evasive approach?

Depending on how much the mutual friend knows, having her there could be a pro rather than a con.

I've made my best friend's boyfriends quasi-jealous because they wonder who she spends so much time talking to on the phone. She's had to out me to them because the alternative was for them to think she might have feelings for someone else.

If the mutual friend knows the situation and is supportive of you...and if she doesn't know, _maybe_ it wouldn't hurt to tell her in advance...then having her there when you talk with the guy you're crushing on could be helpful. OTOH, it could also just make things really awkward for everyone.

 

[USS Triumphant]

I'm glad you feel this thread has helped. As for my post, I figured either it would seem ridiculous regarding your friend, which might give you courage, or it would seem possible, in which case you might save yourself a lot of trouble. I'm glad it seems more like the former is true.

 

[mr.peany]

Bah! We had organised to go out for dinner. Worked myself up to tell him how I have been feeling. But not only was the mutual friend there, but so was his sister who was visiting from interstate.

So i got nervous, and didnt say anything. Awww.

 

[TheGodBen]

Tell him.
If you don't, you'll regret it more than if you lost a friendship.
Trust me on that one.

J.

Listen to the man. I've actually found myself in this situation twice, and the first time I didn't do anything and I regretted it for a long time. The second time I learned from my mistake and told her, and though I was rejected at first, I still felt far better for having told her.

If you tell Joe how you feel then no matter how it turns out you will not regret it. Rejection may hurt you, but it will never hurt as much as not having tried.

Don't lose heart because your first attempt didn't work out, there is nothing wrong with backing out if the situation isn't right. I planned to tell the second girl a few times, but I would back out of it because I wasn't comfortable or because I knew she wasn't in the right frame of mind. I didn't have the complication of her being the same gender as me, but I did have the complication of her going out with somebody else at the time. Don't expect anything from Joe, just explain the situation honestly and take your lead from him.

I know, I'm terrible at giving advice.

Seriously, make sure to take your chance when it comes. We're all routing for you.

 

[DonIago]

Bah! We had organised to go out for dinner. Worked myself up to tell him how I have been feeling. But not only was the mutual friend there, but so was his sister who was visiting from interstate.

So i got nervous, and didnt say anything. Awww.

Well, I don't blame you at all there.

You'll have other times. Though, based on experience, the longer it takes the more wound up you'll get...

Good luck! I'd offer a hug, but don't know you and all...

 

[mr.peany]

Ack! Sent him a message telling him i needed to speak to him about something important before we go rock climbing today.

He hasn't replied.

Kinda freaking out.

Valium needed.

Stat.

 

[DonIago]

Hey now, don't freak out about email. He could have not seen it. It could have not reached him, his net could be down, he could be not paying attention...

The only read email is one that's acknowledged in some way.

Seriously, people make the dangerous assumption that sending an email will ensure it will be read...but an assumption is all it is. This is why I use a phone for the important messages.

 

[mr.peany]

Yeah, i did use the phone. We just spoke then. He seemed a bit weary. Man, i dont know if im doing the right thing or not. I mean, i know I should say something coz its just eating at me, but i'm not sure if what I risk losing is worth it.

 

[TheGodBen]

The thing is, you have probably already lost it. Like you said, it is eating at you so your friendship isn't a positive force in your life anymore. What you once had is gone, and you just have to hope that what is to come is better than what you lost. It may not be, but in that case you will only be substituting one form of torture for another, and at least ten years from now you won't look back in regret at what might have been.

 

[DonIago]

Yeah, i did use the phone. We just spoke then. He seemed a bit weary. Man, i dont know if im doing the right thing or not. I mean, i know I should say something coz its just eating at me, but i'm not sure if what I risk losing is worth it.

I feel for you man. I'd again offer a hug, but, total strangers and all...

You're welcome to PM me if you want, though. Yay, I'm creepy.

Sounds like it could just be that he was exhausted and didn't even check or didn't feel like replying to messages. I'm awful about email these days...I read, but often don't reply.

Best wishes. I had a rather humiliating coming-out to the first guy I ever had feelings for (senior year of high school, while I was "dating" a girl who turned out to be just a bit psycho), can't say I'd wish that on anyone.

If you'd lose anything, then, as sucky as it would be, I think you'd ultimately feel better losing it now than keeping something that doesn't really exist alive longer.

Anyway, the ears, and the hug, are there if you need them. I hope things go okay for you.

 

[mr.peany]

^ Aww thanks! Your words are very encouraging. Unfortunatley my life is now resembling a very bad episode of Friends during the initial Ross/Rachel saga.

We were sitting at in this park in the city, I had taken enough valium to knock down 10 horses and finally got the guts to say something when a friend of his happened to walk past. I mean, for Christ's sake!!!!! By the time he left, Joe had to go to work and all the mental preparation I had done had vanished. He apologised and asked if we could catch up tomorrow. Now, im pretty sure, in fact i am almost 100% positive he is straight and if he's not, he doesnt feel the same that I do. But until this is out in the open, I don't think i'll be able to get over him with our friendship intact.

 

[DonIago]

^What an annoying friend.

FWIW, if it's resembling the _initial_ Ross/Rachel stages, at least you'll have at least a good few months of fun up ahead...and maybe you can avoid the miscommunications that killed them later...plus, they are together at the very end...right? (hasn't seen a good chunk of the show). Just don't go on a break.

What you might want to do (and I've seen "Milk" a bunch of times lately, which may be coloring my opinions) is out yourself to him, but leave it at that. If he's straight you'll avoid any overstepping, but you'll still put him through the most important litmus test a gay person really has for who their real friends are. And if he's non-straight and/or attracted to you, one can hope he'll choose to tell you his feelings in return.

Also, if he decides to just assume that because you're telling him you're gay you _must_ be attracted to him, be sure to comment on what a healthy ego he has. Seriously, I love it when people make that assumption.

I'm writing this really late at night, so I sort of hope this will hold up later, when I'm more conscious.

Best of luck, friend. Crushes suck.

 

[USS Triumphant]

Also, if he decides to just assume that because you're telling him you're gay you _must_ be attracted to him, be sure to comment on what a healthy ego he has. Seriously, I love it when people make that assumption.

Yeah, that is great, isn't it?

My wife has lost friends like that, on several occasions. They find out she's bi, assume she's attracted to them, and get freaked out. Downside: She doesn't have a lot of friends. Upside: The ones she does have, she knows are real friends.

 

[DonIago]

One of the few parts I really hated about figuring out I was gay was the realization that I suddenly felt obligated to reevaluate my _entire_ social network. Because thinking someone will be okay with it is so horrifyingly far from _knowing_ they will.

 

[JoeZhang]

We met whilst rock climbing. Awesome guy. Get on really well. Go out together often. But he's totally giving out mixed signals for someone who is supposed to be straight. Often ends text messages with a "Love, Joe..XOXO". Whenever we see each other he gives me a massive hug. And we had a drunken kiss a couple of weeks ago on the same night he ended up banging some chick he met at the club we were at, but nothing was said about it after. He's a actor/dancer and he claims Britney Spears and Hugh Jackman are his icons.

Dude, he'll smoke a pole no problem Just ask him, you've got nothing to lose.

 

[USS Triumphant]

Dude, he'll smoke a pole no problem

I don't think it's nice to assume he's a Nazi just because he might be gay, and .... wait.... what? Not those kinds of Poles? Well... what kind is he talking about, then? ..... Oh! .... Really?!

Ne-ver-mind.

 

[Holdfast]

Unfortunatley my life is now resembling a very bad episode of Friends during the initial Ross/Rachel saga.

Really? Then all you have to do is dress up in a rented white naval uniform and sweep him off his feet!

 

[mr.peany]

Well I did it. A whole box of valium and a tidy vomit later, but I did it.

Most embarrassing, awkward moment of my life. I stuttered, I splattered, I fumbled nervously but somehow it all came out. Unfortunately, there was no fairy tale ending for this humble little Paramedic.

Its OK though, its all out in the open. He told me he gets mistaken for gay all the time, and despite a couple of years ago when he went through as he put it a "phase", he is on the straight and narrow now and is seeing a girl. He told me that we will remain great friends and he gave me a big hug, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still in love with him and I'm pretty sure every time he'll see me now, I will always be the friend who has a crush on him.

Meh. It wasn't the result I was hoping for, nor was it the result I expected, but now I'm not even sure its a result I can be content with...

 

[USS Triumphant]

Meh. It wasn't the result I was hoping for, nor was it the result I expected, but now I'm not even sure its a result I can be content with...

You'll get there, but you may fluctuate a bit before you do. Warn your friend that in the coming months you may be a giant drama queen from time to time, and to please bear with you. Believe me, I've been there.

The important thing to consider is devotion. A true, selfless love will care more about his happiness than about your possession of him. If that isn't what you feel (mostly - nobody's perfect), then you might end up reconsidering what it actually is, and whether you or not you need to just let it go.

If it is what you feel, though, there might be hope. Personally, I don't believe in ex-gay. He might come around.

It's also important not to let the hope of that keep you from seeing other opportunities that may come your way, though. It will either be, or it won't. Let it be what it is.

Thanks for sharing what happened with us, btw.

 

[DonIago]

Well...on the scale of best-case to worst-case, you didn't do so badly. He didn't condemn you, and from the sounds of it he's no less comfortable with you than he was before.

You have a friend. That's something to appreciate.

As for the crush...hate to say it, but if personal experience is any indication you'll probably think about him from time to time for the rest of your life. But you'll also get over your feelings eventually. With luck (I've been single for 33 years, so there's a cynicism aspect when I talk of such things) you'll even find someone who would be happy not only to have your love but to return it.

Not to sound glib or anything, but chin up. And if you need someone to rant to, you've got someone.