Help! I'm in love with a friend! What do I do???

[mr.peany]

Ever realised that you had romantic feelings for a friend? It's not a good feeling, especially when that friend is of the same gender. Well, thats the current predicament I find myself in and I am in desperate need of guidance...

Now, first some back story. I consider myself bisexual, im not open about it, only 4 of my friends even know, but have only ever been in a relationship with women. My friend, lets call him Joe, I have known for roughly a year now. We met whilst rock climbing. Awesome guy. Get on really well. Go out together often. But he's totally giving out mixed signals for someone who is supposed to be straight. Often ends text messages with a "Love, Joe..XOXO". Whenever we see each other he gives me a massive hug. And we had a drunken kiss a couple of weeks ago on the same night he ended up banging some chick he met at the club we were at, but nothing was said about it after. He's a actor/dancer and he claims Britney Spears and Hugh Jackman are his icons.

Things were going great until I couldnt stop thinking about him. All the time. Every minute of every day. Haven't felt like this about anyone in a really long time. But I don't know if I should say anything or just let it go. Im finding it really hard to be around him now without wanting more to happen, but I'm worried that If I tell him, it could weird him out thus putting the friendship in danger. Ugh. I hate this 90210 feeling.

Any advice?

 

[Meredith]

Pull away from him slowly and see how he acts, if he pursues you then you have your signal to proceed to more than friends stage. If he is indifferent, then you have you answer to stay friends.


Remember the opposite of Love is Indifference not Hate.

 

[Spot's Meow]

Strangely enough, I was in the exact opposite position a few years ago. I was in love with my best friend, who was gay (I'm a female so this wasn't good). We had a lot of fun times together that I remember fondly, but it was also torture. It got to the point where I started seeing him as a significant other. I would start doing girlfriend-like things without even thinking about it, it just felt natural to me because I cared about him so much. But I never got any of those sort of things in return. He saw us as being just friends and that never changing. So there were many nights I spent hurt and crying because he didn't do some boyfriend-like thing for me that really it was never his job to do at all.

It didn't help that he gave mixed signals. In the beginning he would try hard to not disappoint me. I did a lot of nice things for him and he wanted to reciprocate, so he would do things like buy me flowers. In my mind that gave me hope, but for him it was just a way to be nice to me because I was so nice to him. So he led me on for a while like that, neither of us really realizing what was going on.

It also didn't help that he hadn't come out to anyone else yet, and so everyone thought that we were dating because we spent so much time together.

He strung me along for a couple of years. I think he continued the faux relationship because he was lonely and didn't have any other friends. But as soon as he came out and got a boyfriend, I was history. He flat out told me that he didn't like being my friend anymore and that we should stop being friends now because it was only going to get worse. So he stopped talking to me completely and now I haven't really talked to him at all in several years. But it doesn't bother me now, better things have come along since then. At the time, it was extremely painful.

I look back at the whole thing bittersweetly. More bitter than sweet. There were some really awesome times, like when we would go to Olive Garden on Friday afternoons and then drive to the trails to take a walk together. But then there are the times where I felt immensely hurt and alone, like when we were lying on my bed together and I wanted so badly to reach over and kiss him, but I couldn't. As time went on, there were more bad times than good. Honestly I feel that it really wasn't worth the pain near the end, and I wish I would have ended the friendship sooner.

My advice for you is to find out as soon as you can how he feels. Don't let him lead you on, and don't let yourself be led on. He may be picking up on how you feel so he's sending those signals back to be nice. But if he isn't really romantically interested in you, he will eventually get sick of doing that, and it will only end badly. You need to know right now how he feels so that you can decide whether you can pursue a romantic relationship or not. If he isn't interested, it doesn't mean you have to stop being friends. It just means that you have to be aware of the vibes you are sending out and make sure that you are not falling into the trap of seeing him as your boyfriend. Keep some sort of emotional distance, basically.

I suppose there is a chance that he would be disgusted by the fact that you are attracted to him and never want to see you again, but honestly a really good friend wouldn't react like that. They would be more understanding and willing to work with you. If he has that sort of reaction, then you know that you can't pursue him romantically and that he probably wouldn't make too great of a friend for you in the future either.

Good luck....

 

[USS Triumphant]

I suppose there is a chance that he would be disgusted by the fact that you are attracted to him and never want to see you again, but honestly a really good friend wouldn't react like that. They would be more understanding and willing to work with you. If he has that sort of reaction, then you know that you can't pursue him romantically and that he probably wouldn't make too great of a friend for you in the future either.

Excellent advice.

But also, if he has a violent initial reaction, get away, give it time, and make it known through mutual friends if any that you would welcome seeing him again. Our society has some people so screwed up about sexuality that they will violently rebel against their own sexual inclinations. Gay rage, and all that.

I would imagine you have a pretty good idea already whether or not that would potentially be a problem, though. Tread carefully, and good luck.

 

[Danoz]

Ever realised that you had romantic feelings for a friend? It's not a good feeling, especially when that friend is of the same gender. Well, thats the current predicament I find myself in and I am in desperate need of guidance...

Now, first some back story. I consider myself bisexual, im not open about it, only 4 of my friends even know, but have only ever been in a relationship with women. My friend, lets call him Joe, I have known for roughly a year now. We met whilst rock climbing. Awesome guy. Get on really well. Go out together often. But he's totally giving out mixed signals for someone who is supposed to be straight. Often ends text messages with a "Love, Joe..XOXO". Whenever we see each other he gives me a massive hug. And we had a drunken kiss a couple of weeks ago on the same night he ended up banging some chick he met at the club we were at, but nothing was said about it after. He's a actor/dancer and he claims Britney Spears and Hugh Jackman are his icons.

Things were going great until I couldnt stop thinking about him. All the time. Every minute of every day. Haven't felt like this about anyone in a really long time. But I don't know if I should say anything or just let it go. Im finding it really hard to be around him now without wanting more to happen, but I'm worried that If I tell him, it could weird him out thus putting the friendship in danger. Ugh. I hate this 90210 feeling.

Any advice?

Well, I can tell you that if he gave you a drunken romantic kiss, then he may be bicurious... so this isn't your traditional "gay-friend-in-love-with-straight-friend" situation (which I've seen end horribly before). You can either resolve this through communication and risk the friendship, or keep it locked up. Terrible options... if he were straight, I'd tell you to bury the feelings... but seeing as how he's making passes at you it's not entirely out of line to think there could be something there.

 

[An Officer]

He won't be THAT shocked if you've already kissed. Unless you both kiss people willy nilly.

 

[Pingfah]

I suppose there is a chance that he would be disgusted by the fact that you are attracted to him and never want to see you again, but honestly a really good friend wouldn't react like that. They would be more understanding and willing to work with you. If he has that sort of reaction, then you know that you can't pursue him romantically and that he probably wouldn't make too great of a friend for you in the future either.

Excellent advice.

But also, if he has a violent initial reaction, get away, give it time, and make it known through mutual friends if any that you would welcome seeing him again. Our society has some people so screwed up about sexuality that they will violently rebel against their own sexual inclinations. Gay rage, and all that.

I would imagine you have a pretty good idea already whether or not that would potentially be a problem, though. Tread carefully, and good luck.

I can't imagine how anybody who would react violently to being told they are loved could be considered a friend of any description.

 

[loldrey]

I can't imagine how anybody who would react violently to being told they are loved could be considered a friend of any description.

True, a good friend would hopefully be somewhat understanding.

The hardest thing about this kind of thing is that it's about more than just being rejected as a romantic interest. Your entire friendship is at stake. Not only do you deeply care about this person as a friend, but you're also in love with them.
People will tell you that "if they're any sort of friend they'll understand", but the possibility that the person you love isn't as true as they seem is more daunting than anything, and most people would rather pretend nothing is happening than find out.

 

[RJDiogenes]

But he's totally giving out mixed signals for someone who is supposed to be straight. Often ends text messages with a "Love, Joe..XOXO". Whenever we see each other he gives me a massive hug. And we had a drunken kiss a couple of weeks ago on the same night he ended up banging some chick he met at the club we were at, but nothing was said about it after. He's a actor/dancer and he claims Britney Spears and Hugh Jackman are his icons.

That doesn't seem too "mixed" to me. Sounds like he's also bi and letting you know it.

 

[USS Triumphant]

I can't imagine how anybody who would react violently to being told they are loved could be considered a friend of any description.

It isn't the "loved" part that would be the issue. It's the gay part. And people can get pretty irrational when taken by surprise, or when faced with something about themselves or someone they care about that they desparately want to deny.

Gay rage exists. Sadly, it has even been successfully used as part of insanity defenses in the murder of more than one gay person. The murderer was suffering from violent insanity due to fear of the consequences of their own gay-ness being revealed somehow.

And again, I'm not saying that will happen in this case. It's just something to be aware of. It's out there.

 

[ThankQ]

My friend, lets call him Joe, I have known for roughly a year now.
....
Any advice?

Stay away from Frontline. He's a heart breaker.

 

[Barbados Slim]

Straight guys don't sign off with a love you or kiss drunkenly. We just don't. I have gay and bi friends, and I've been plenty drunk around them. And I've never even began to try to think about kissing them. Because I kiss chicks exclusively.

What's the saying about the true person comes out when you're drunk?

I think he's into you, or at least somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale.

I'd say first try to confirm that he's attracted to guys (a drunken game of Never Have I Ever can bring out all sorts of skeletons) then if that's confirmed treat it like you would any other attraction.

 

[Thurisaz]

Straight guys don't sign off with a love you or kiss drunkenly. We just don't. I have gay and bi friends, and I've been plenty drunk around them. And I've never even began to try to think about kissing them. Because I kiss chicks exclusively.

What's the saying about the true person comes out when you're drunk?

I think he's into you, or at least somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale.

I'd say first try to confirm that he's attracted to guys (a drunken game of Never Have I Ever can bring out all sorts of skeletons) then if that's confirmed treat it like you would any other attraction.

in vino veritas Yeah the dude sounds bi to me. I think after the kiss and the "love Joe" you're probably in the clear.

 

[TorontoTrekker]

But he's totally giving out mixed signals for someone who is supposed to be straight.

Oh really...

Often ends text messages with a "Love, Joe..XOXO".

That's one...

Whenever we see each other he gives me a massive hug.

That's not really indicative of anything. Guys these days hug a lot more than they did in our parents' day. Hell, I have straight male friends in fandom who will unabashedly kiss me hello/goodbye at a con.

And we had a drunken kiss a couple of weeks ago

However, that's definitely two.

He's a actor/dancer

That's three...

and he claims Britney Spears and Hugh Jackman are his icons.

Four.

Four signs that he's probably at least bi. (Yes, I'm being mildly facetious... but only slightly.)

Others have given some good advice, but since you have such a close friendship, I would suggest that you arrange to meet him somewhere public but where you won't be around others you know and where the other people around aren't likely to hear exactly what you're saying. Come out to him, but without mentioning your attraction. Then gauge his reaction carefully. If his reaction is positive, only then can you broach the topic of your attraction to him. If his reaction is negative, it's unlikely that he'll react violently because you're in public, and you can pretend that you were only telling him because you're good friends and not because you're attracted to him.

I suspect that his response will be positive, though, even if only mildly so. (The fact that he's an actor/dancer means that he's probably surrounded by gay people all the time and is unlikely to be homophobic. It's a stereotype, sure, but it's a stereotype for a reason. )

 

[Hermiod]

Unless you both kiss people willy nilly.

I totally misread that.

 

[Amaris]

Ever realised that you had romantic feelings for a friend? It's not a good feeling, especially when that friend is of the same gender. Well, thats the current predicament I find myself in and I am in desperate need of guidance...

Now, first some back story. I consider myself bisexual, im not open about it, only 4 of my friends even know, but have only ever been in a relationship with women. My friend, lets call him Joe, I have known for roughly a year now. We met whilst rock climbing. Awesome guy. Get on really well. Go out together often. But he's totally giving out mixed signals for someone who is supposed to be straight. Often ends text messages with a "Love, Joe..XOXO". Whenever we see each other he gives me a massive hug. And we had a drunken kiss a couple of weeks ago on the same night he ended up banging some chick he met at the club we were at, but nothing was said about it after. He's a actor/dancer and he claims Britney Spears and Hugh Jackman are his icons.

Things were going great until I couldnt stop thinking about him. All the time. Every minute of every day. Haven't felt like this about anyone in a really long time. But I don't know if I should say anything or just let it go. Im finding it really hard to be around him now without wanting more to happen, but I'm worried that If I tell him, it could weird him out thus putting the friendship in danger. Ugh. I hate this 90210 feeling.

Any advice?

Tell him.
If you don't, you'll regret it more than if you lost a friendship.
Trust me on that one.

J.

 

[An Officer]

I can't imagine how anybody who would react violently to being told they are loved could be considered a friend of any description.

It isn't the "loved" part that would be the issue. It's the gay part.

Or more accurately, the being sodomised by another guy part.
Yeah, I know that's not what it's all about, at least not entirely anyway , but try explaining that to a homophobe.

Unless you both kiss people willy nilly.

I totally misread that.

Yes, I would expect that to come at least after their first date.

 

[mr.peany]

Thanks for all the advice guys, it has been a massive help. I think now that I should tell him how I feel, at the very least it will take the question of 'is he or isn't he" away. We've agreed to go out for dinner tonight, unfortunately a mutual female friend will be there as well, so hopefully I can get rid of her long enough to at least tell him theres something I would like to talk about.

Question is now, how do I bring it up? Do i just come out and say it or should I try a more subtle, evasive approach?

 

[Captain Ice]

We can't tell you that. Only you know if he'll react better to one aproach or the other. The important thing is to tell him. I also would not be surprised if your mutual friend has some inkling that the two of you are interested in each other.

 

[AstroSmurf]

^ Agreed. But if I was to go out on a limb here and give any advice what-so-ever... just be open and honest. Sometimes dancing around the issue will just be confusing to the other person.

Good luck. Keep us updated too. I am curious to how this turns out for you.