FNS-Headlines

[Kilana2]

Imagine you are a member of the Federation News Service and your job is to create headlines of local events in the Alpha Quadrant/Federation.
Create such headlines. 23th or 24th century doesn’t matter. Historical settings could be: Dominion War, Borg Incursion, Maquis raids, election of a new President, Kirks saves the galaxy, Picard saves the galaxy or whatever you want. The headlines can be funny and/or creative.



I start with….


Ex-Liquidator Brunt reading the following headline:
“Weyoun bears the Brunt after the End of the Dominion War”


Grand Nagus Rom reading following headline:
“2oo more young Ferengi to enter Starfleet Academy. Advanced courses in Business Economics become obligatory.”


Odo reading:
“Supposed changeling turns out to be a member of species 8472”.


McCoy reading:
“James T. Kirk to receive his 400th medal of valor for saving a child from drowning”

Go on…..

 

[Kilana2]

Quark reading

"Seven of Nine allegedly has received an offer to pose for the Playboy magazine"

 

[Autistoid]

Seems like fun.




Today 2,000,000 people gather in a see of red in San Francisco. As families and officers from tactical and operations professions continue to fight for more accountability in Starfleet. "Why are so many of our best not returning to duty?". "Why are these professions being singled out while command and science officers appear to be free from such high fatality rates?"


Today the full population of the Planet Onstaysia was wiped out as Captain Dirk of the USS Adventurous transmitted Andorian syphilis to the planets Queen.

As the result of a freak transporter accident the European continent now has an additional 1.3 million people with the name John Smith.

 

[Kilana2]

"Paris. Earth. First Terran University for Dabo Girls opened"

 

[Melakon]

Federation President denies affair with J'naii intern, claiming "I did not have sexual relations with that... thing."

 

[Autistoid]

Over 3,400,343 ships have been recalled. Manufacturers warn that over 80 percent of ships produced at Utopia Planitia Fleet Yards Have been installed with defective display paneling. Engineers warn if you or a love one has been exposed to exploding consuls in the last 10-15 years you may be due for compensations.

President of the Federation Jarl Kloth Barial has begun a commission to study population genetics of the federation. As presidents top science advisers suggest there are only 3 separate species of humanoid in the Galaxy. Smooth heads, bump heads and Tie Die kind.

Today researchers at the vulcan academy of sociology have concluded that Hologram is a racial slur. From now own holo decks are known Photonic gardens, and light rays as friendships hugs.

 

[Kilana2]

Speaking of.......

"The Doctor to release `Photons be free´, chapter 9999"

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Tom Riker (In Cardassian hard labor camp):

Voyager returns home! Voyager Maquis given full pardon and allowed to join Starfleet.

 

[T'Girl]

Starship Enterpise encounters new species.

Captain Kirk and Borg Queen are currently on a romantic getaway and could not be reached for comment.

 

[Cyke101]

I'd like to think of Buzzfeed-style clickbait:

"You won't believe which 15 top ranking Starfleet personnel are really Changelings!"

Or

"Neural Parasites and increased metabolism: better in bed?"

Or

""Here's a Reminder That Riker Didn't Know How to Sit in a F*cking Chair"

(Oh, oops on that last one)

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Federation Illegalizes Listening To Next Day News Stream From Micro-Worm....

Federation Lawmaker Murdered Prior To Big Wormhole Vote

 

[Kilana2]

"Wesley Crusher elected Federation President. Uprisings follow. Crusher cowardly seeks asylum aboard Starfleet flagship."

 

[F. King Daniel]

PICARD SUBDUES AND LIMITS HUMANITY

Recently-declassified mission logs revealed that former Enterprise captain Jean-Luc Picard once turned down an offer from a godlike being known as "Q", to bestow godlike powers upon the entire human race. Just hours after these logs became public, rioting broke out outside Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco...

 

[hux]

Riots in Major Earth Cities
A group of radicals have continued their attacks on various Starfleet targets. The groups charismatic and sexy leader Hux orchestrated a worldwide protest against the stranglehold that Starfleet has on virtually every human activity and endeavour in the 24th century.

One anonymous member was quoted as saying "I have to clean out the sewers everyday while admirals get to live on the beach and eat cake.....it's total bullshit"

 

[HIjol]

Federation National Aquarium, San Francisco, Christopher Pike Parkway

SpokesChordate W. Hale Baleen revealed today that two Humpback Whales enterd San Fransisco Bay just hous ago, singing WhaleSong in The Vulcan Language, demanding a conversation with "Gracie's Friend". The Whales threatened all sealife in the Bay if their demand was not met.

Federation XenoLinguists are reportedly on the case, and frantically trying to identify the "Friend", vowing to work non-stop, eating only pizza, until the WhaleThreat is over. FNS

 

[F. King Daniel]

SD 2259.56
A massive, black, starship-shaped weather balloon has crashed into San Francisco levelling half the city and killing untold thousands. Starfleet authorities say not to panic, and that rumours that the weather balloon was in fact a secret Starfleet Deathship and part of a failed plot to incite war with the Klingons, are completely fictitious.

 

[Kilana2]

History of Earth

After years of making demands and suffering by the fans, German publisher Cross Cult has finally announced to release Greg Cox' acclaimed two-part novel "The Rise and Fall of Khan Noonien Singh". Just seconds after the announcement all hell broke loose in the Cross Cult Star Trek forum. Even Khan novels refusenik Datirez told a reporter: I have ordered these books......

23th century

After several hundred years of sleep a creature disguised as clown and calling himself Pennywise (aka It) awakens and threatens the children of the Federation. James T. Kirk boldly faced the creature by turning himself and Spock into their younger selves. Young Spock managed to talk the creature to death. Reversing the transporter effect to bring them back to adulthood failed miserably. Montgomery Scott given temporary command of Enterprise.

 

[HIjol]

(FSN) Georgia, USA, Earth

...In other news, a rare press release from Admiral Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy, (ret):

"Damn it, Jim...I'm dead!...but so is that Green-Blooded Hob-Goblin!"

The Head of Star Fleet Medical, Dr. Liam "Ray" Boothby, Valles Marineris, Mars, has been contacted by the Vulcan Ambassador to Earth, K'Pow Yehenik, for "Clarification".

 

[Bad Thoughts]

(FNS - Entertainment) William Riker's "'Bonin' the Universe" was voted the worst Jazz album of all time, beating out every offering from Kenny G.

 

[HIjol]

The Orion's Belt Galaxy Theater Music Awards Ceremony includes categories and styles of music from every quadrant. Tonight, for the first time, Ferengi Crooner Zek Brunt won the Best Mysogenist Singing Old Standards category with his rendition of a well-known Ferengi Love Song, "I Only Have Ears For You".