Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Jayden Dersch, Mar 21, 2023.
I Will posting sections from My Screen Writing and Would love some feed back from Star Trek Fans
Not much to go on, but sounds like you're writing fan fiction?
The Characters are Real People(Names I have Seen)
STAR TREK THE RESURRECTION
Location: Sol System Coordinates: 0.3403.23
A Cloaked Romulan War Ship quietly makes its way past Saturn like a snake slithering toward its victim Romulan Leader “Bring him off the cryotube” Romulan 1 “Yes sir pulling him out now” in the medical bay Doctors began pulling out the Romulan dressed in a battle commander uniform who looks like Commander Silak Romulan Doctor “Wake him up” the Romulan Commander awakes with a start and knocks the doctor out with one punch and flies out of bed and lands in a fighting stance Romulan Nurse “Commander Silak it's time to finish your mission” Commander Silak “Last thing I remember is my ship blowing up” Romulan Nurse “Yes but We beamed your dead body to a cryotube to get repaired so you could help us” Commander Silak “ Didn’t The Romulan Empire join the Federation?” Romulan Lt. “Yes but there a few Romulan Commanders who fled with their ships and crew to preserve the empire” Commander Silak “ Where are we?” Romulan Lt. “We are en route to earth for your mission” Commander “What mission?” Romulan Lt. “To destroy the Enterprise and make sure Admiral Dersch is dead”
USS Enterprise NCC-1701-G Location: Earth Coordinates: 0.000.001
The Admiral is sitting in his office when a message appears on his computer “Dear Admiral Dersch, With StarFleet Commander in Chief Elections coming up I would like to express that my people would like you to run for the position since you are at the highest rank that can be given to anyone and StarFleet and the only other one is the Chief Position. As that is said I please want you to consider joining the Campaign. Sincerely Lt. Commander Gabe ” Admiral “Well that makes the 100th Email so far. I guess I am running for the Chief. Commander Townsend, please report to my office” Commander Townsend walks in through a door that leads to the bridge Commander Townsend “What's Up?” Admiral “I am going to run for the Position” Commander Townsend “That's Good Admiral Riker has been in there for ten years and he had just entered his second year when the Romulans joined so it's about time we have a new one sir” Admiral “If I do I am reassigning you to the Titan as the Commanding Officer” Commander Townsend “Why?” Admiral “I think it's about time you have your ship Commander” then his comm badge beeps Admiral “ Yes Lt.?” Lt. Hutchins “Incoming Messages from The President” Admiral “Put her through” a Laria Rillak who was part Human, Bajoran, and Cardassian appears on the screen Admiral “Mrs. President How may I help?” President Ryan “I think we have an issue with one of our outer colonies Admiral” Admiral “What's the issue?” President Ryan “At 0200 we lost all contact with the Colony and we tried reaching them but all we got was they were under attack and that's all we got I would like the Enterprise to go check it out if you need extra ships on standby they will be. Keep me updated Admiral. Earth Out.” Then the President disappears off screen Commander Townsend “I get the ship ready” and they both walk out to the bridge Admiral “Lt. Hutchins set course for outer Colonies 2653 Please” Lt. Hutchins “Yes Sir lining up for warp Now sir” The Enterprise turns and faces away from Earth Admiral “Lt. Bock put all extra power to the Engines “ Lt. Bock “Yes Sir” Lt. Hutchins “Lined Up Sir” Admiral “Engage” The Enterprise disappears from the Earth's View 30 Minutes Later The Enterprise comes out of warp and comes to a stop Admiral “Lt. Frye Scan the planet for anything” Lt. Frye “Yes Sir” Admiral “Lt. Hutchins bring us around into a high Orbit” Lt. Hutchins “Yes Sir” Lt. Frye “Scans complete Class M Planet, No Signs of Life but am picking up some life toward the Northern half of Planet” Admiral “Is it the Colonist?” Lt. Frye “ Don’t Know. The Storm on that half is preventing any accurate scans” Admiral “Could we beam a team down?” Lt. Frye “Yes but it would have been outside the storm and then the team would have to walk through the storm to the location” Admiral “Lt. Frye Get a team together Full Gear” Lt. Frye “Yes Sir I will send Lt. Commander White” Admiral “Get it done”
1 MINUTE LATER
Lt. Commander White walked into transporter room 1 dressed in full gear bearing a phaser rifle and pistol and looks at 7 others Lt. Commander White “Our Job is to get through the storm and find out the source of the readings then report back to the Pick-up point” and they all step up onto the pad Lt. Commander White “Beam Us Down” Down on the Planet, 8 white lights began to appear about a mile from where the storm is rampaging the Homes of the colonists Lt. Commander White “ Masks On, Weapons Ready Ensign Scan the Area” Ensign Black “Scanning.... Nothing Sir” the Commander makes a motion with his hand and they all set out toward the Storm 20 MINUTES LATER The team has entered the storm and has officially made it toward the town and to find it empty but it looks like a bomb went off there was blood everywhere Lt. Commander White “We need to get back to the checkpoint and get back to Enterprise now Let's move out... MOVE IT NOW!” He starts to raise his Phaser Rifle toward something running at them and fires Lt. Commander White “FALL BACK LT.s COVER FIRE NOW” Then Two more of the teams members raise their weapons and start firing Ensign Black “ WHAT IS IT!?” Asked the lt. As he fired a random shot off Lt. Commander White “GORN ALL UNITS GET BACK TO THE CHECKPOINT NOW” And they all start running toward the spot where they first started. Meanwhile on the Enterprise they detect weapons fire on the surface Lt. Frye “Admiral picking up weapons fire on the surface” Admiral “From the team?” She nods her head Admiral “Transporter room standby” The Landing team makes it toward the spot Lt. Commander White “ENTERPRISE BEAM US UP!” They start to disappear when the Gorn Creature jumps and tackles Ensign Bock and rips his head off and turns toward the team but they are long gone. They appear on the Enterprise Lt. Commander White “Get me the Admiral” When Commander White walked onto the bridge the Admiral had a weird look on his face Admiral “What were you shooting at?” Lt. Commander White “The Gorn Sir” The Admiral Jump up and started to yell orders Admiral “Yellow Alert Raise Shields Alert Star Fleet and have those ships en-route. Frye “Yes Sir” and the crew did what they were told Lt. Hutchins “Prox's enmity Alert we have incoming!” Admiral “Who's?” Lt. Hutchins “Scanning.......Species 8427” Admiral “......Red Alert” A Ghostly looking ship makes its way toward the Enterprise and locks weapons on it Admiral “That didn’t Taketake Arm All weapons and fire on my word” Lt. Frye “Yes Arming Weapons” A bright orb shoots from the Enemy Vessel Admiral “Lt. Evasive Action” The Enterprise moves to avoid the orb but to no effect and slams into the side of the ship leavening a gaping hole in the side Admiral “Now you’ve pissed me off Fire all Weapons” Lt. Frye “Firing” All the Phaser Banks Shot out blue Plasma and not only were they used but 9 Quantum Torpedoes also raced toward their target and slam hard enough to knock the other ship off course temporally and as they limp back to their normal stance the backup ships arrive but only four USS Excelsior/Admiral J. McGill, USS Intrepid/ Captain McGill, USS Voyager/ Captain Carpenter, USS Constellation/ Captain Huffman Lt. Fox “Admiral We have 4 ships on standby and have an incoming hail from the Excelsior” Admiral “Put It Through” a Woman dressed in an Admirals Uniform but still under Rank compared to the Fleet Admiral Admiral McGill “Admiral We are ready for orders” Admiral “Stand By and await instructions Enterprise Out. What's the Enemy ship doing?” Lt. Frye “Retreating Sir” Admiral “Any Gorn Ships?” she shakes her head Lt. Hutchins “Sir The Storm on the surface has cleared and we have a full view of the settlement” The Admiral walks toward the front of the bridge Admiral “Bring it up” the center of the town shows on screen and the Admiral sees what Lt. Commander White Said-Blood everywhere, most running in a Straight line toward a warehouse Admiral “Scan that Warehouse” Lt. Frye “No Human Life Signs but picking up massive amounts of Gorn Life Signs Sir” Admiral “Lock a Photon and Destroy It” Lt. Frye “Locking......Firing” A Bright orange orb shoots into view and the next thing they see is a fireball engulfing the WareHouse destroying anything or anyone on the side Admiral “Any More Gorn Signs?” Lt. Frye “Yes But not in the settlement, The Signs are coming from the other side of the Planet, Bring it up now” The Screen switch to a Mountain with a Mouth of a cave showing watches with Two Gorn's Welding Weapons guarding the entrance Lt. Frye “This is where the signs are coming from” Admiral “Could we beam a team down?” Lt. Frye “Not in front of it but about 9 Miles away from the entrance due to the Geography of the area” Admiral “Weapons?” Lt. Frye “Sorry Sir the Geography will mess with the targeting systems on the Weapons” Admiral “So you are telling me we can’t do anything?” Lt. Frye “....Yes” The Admiral sighed and walk toward his briefing room Admiral “Commander Townsend watches the area and takes that off the screen...You have the bridge” He walks into his room and when he enters he asks the computer Admiral “Computer Open Secure channel to Federation President Ryan” Computer “Opening Secure Channel.....Channel Open” President Ryan’s Form Appeared in front of the Admiral in a 3d Holographic projection from Earth President Ryan “Admiral Dersch How is it going?” The Admiral sighed Admiral “Well Not Good, The Gorn Have Taken the Settlement, And Species 8427 are Guarding the Space Above the Planet which has been dealt with. We only have to worry about the Gorn Mam.” The President had a worried look on her face President Ryan “So You’ve Dealt with The 8427 but what about the Gorn?” Admiral “We Only have a good amount left in a cave 6 Miles from the Main Settlement But we haven’t attempted anything yet” President Ryan “Have You lost anyone?” The Admiral nodded Sadly Admiral “Yes Ensign David Black The Gorn chasing them grab him before Transporters could lock on. The Last of the Gorn Are in a Cave but can’t Lock Weapons due to the geography and The Away Team would have to beam down 9 miles away from the entrance and there are no hiding spots and they have two of them Guarding the Entrance to the cave” President Ryan “Due Whatever is necessary Admiral, Earth Out” The Figure Disappeared in a ball of light Admiral “Commander Townsend, Get The Admiral and the Captains To Our Briefing Room for a meeting just the Captains and Admiral Understood” Commander Townsend “Yes Sir”
20 MINUTES LATER
The Admiral Walks onto the Bridge and Looks at the Screen Admiral “Commander Townsend Stand Down Red Alert but keep shields Raised” Commander Townsend “Yes Sir Lt. Frye Go to Yellow Alert Keep Shields Up” Lt. Frye “Yes Sir” The Admiral Stands in front of the Briefing Room door when it opens he walks in Captain Mcgill Says Captain Mcgill “ Admiral In the Room” The Rest of them All Stand and look toward the Admiral as he walks to the head of the table Admiral “Please Sit,” They all sit down and look at him Admiral “As you know the Gorn have full control on the Ground and there are only two options, Send a Weapons Party to neutralize them or leave them and Mark this Federation Planet as Gorn Territory Any other suggestions are welcome” Admiral J. Mcgill “Have you Told StarFleet?” Admiral “I haven’t Spoken to them Directly but have spoken first hand to President Ryan which means the Federation High Council Is watching every move and already told them My Two Ideas and they were leaning toward the 1st and not the 2nd” Captain Huffman “If we did use a Ground Team how many people would we lose?” Admiral “Too Many to count” Captain Carpenter “So what do they want us to do if we could lose so many?” Admiral “That's Why we have this meeting to figure out the next steps” Admiral J. Mcgill “So they don’t want to use the Ground team but if they need to they will?” Admiral “Yes” Captain Mcgill “So what do we do then?” Admiral “Think” Admiral J. Mcgill “Could we fire any weapons?” Admiral “yes but would use more than 10 of them to acutely hit and evening destroy it” Captain Huffman “What if we all fire together?” Captain Mcgill “Yea if we all fire at the same time we could have a very better percentage of hitting and destroying the cave Than just one of us” Admiral “Sounds like an IdThat'shats when President Ryan Appear and startled the Admirals and Captain and they all stand toward her hologram President Ryan “Sit Please, And yes that sounds like an idea Admirals and Captains Get it done” And she goes just like she came The Admirals and captains didn’t evening have time to sit before she finished and disappear Admiral “You Heard the President Let's Get it done”
20 MINUTES LATER
Lt. Fox “Admiral All Ships Ready to Lock and Fire” Admiral “Fire on my command” Lt. Frye “All Weapons Locked” Admiral “Fire” The View Screen that showed the mountain started to light up with weapons fire from five ships and when the smoke cleared they only saw fire Admiral “Scan for Gorn” Lt. Frye “Scanning.....There's no Gorn.” Admiral “Notify The President's Office and Command. Lt Hutchins Lay in a course to Earth Maximum Warp” Lt. Hutchins “Lay in the course and going to maximum Warp” All the Ships All Disappears from the Planets view” 1 Month Later CIF OFFICE ON BASE Location: SB One, Earth The Admiral Walked down the Corridor aboard Star Base One which has been there since the Federation was evening Born as you know it has been refitted and made better. But it still has that Still Beauty of what a Good Federation Star Base should be. As the Admiral Walked the Cadets and officers walking down toward the Admiral made way for him. As he walked past one of the Cadets of them, A Human Female Asked him a question Female Cadet “Admiral Is it True?” The Admiral nodded his head. What the cadet was talking about was that 1 month ago StarFleet Command Got a Commander in Chief, and That person was Fleet Admiral J. Dersch. Nobody could believe it at first some evening and said he would sit in the touchpad the chair instead of running the Entire Command but in the end they were wrong. The Admiral Finally made it to where he wanted to go and stood in front of a door labeled FLEET ADMIRAL J. DERSCH (CIF) when he walked in Newly Promoted Fleet Admiral J. Mcgill which was to replace Former Fleet Admiral Dersch’s Position stood and Saluted Admiral “Please Sit I don't need the specialties,” Fleet Admiral J. Mcgill “Admiral As your new Chief Of Staff Should I mention you start to wear your new Uniform” The Uniform she is talking about is a Full White Uniform with a Big Gray stripe down the Middle with 6 Stars on each Shoulder Admiral “All In good, All in good time. But Now Have You Found a Good Captain For the Enterprise?” Fleet Admiral J. Mcgill “ Yes I have given it to Newly Captain Townsend” Admiral “Good At least She's in Good Hands. Is it still the Flag Ship?” She nodded Admiral “Good Do I have Any meetings?” Fleet Admiral J. Mcgill “Yes One at noon with the President then you have a party for your Promotion at 7” He looks at the clock it read 10:00 Admiral “Well I have 2 hours till the meeting so why don’t you get me the Ship Schematics on the New Ship Excelsior Please” Fleet Admiral J. Mcgill “Yes Sir will within a few minutes” With that, she got up and went to her office on the other side of the room and entered. A Few minutes later a message popped up on his desk which was a giant touch pad he clicked it and a Hologram appeared of a New Ship Design and he started to pull parts off the model and mumble words as he studied the designs Admiral “Could add some more cargo room.......Maybe add an extra Control station on the bridge.....And that seems about it” He Types everything he said and sends them with the designs to the Original designer to re-write them with the improvements made by the admiral, before he sent them he pushed a button on his desk and talked Admiral “Admiral Mcgill make sure these Suggestions and designs are sent to the Right Designer of the Excelsior” Fleet Admiral J. Mcgill “Yes Sir I will make it is delivered” Admiral “Thank You” and he pushed a button on the desk and she went mute 11;30 The Admiral was reading a report when his desk beeped. He tap a button and Admiral Mcgill spoke Admiral J. Mcgill “Sir You have 30 Minutes till the Meeting with the President” Admiral “Thank You get a shuttle ready please” Admiral Mcgill “Yes Sir it will be ready” With the, he got his stuff and cleaned the desk and walk out of the office and down the corridor and when he got to the Shuttle Bay on the station a Commander Walked up to him Commander “Admiral Your Shuttle is ready, would you like to be a pilot?” Admiral “Yes Please” Commander “She will be there in a moment” He walked up the ramp into the sides of the shuttle and sat in the Chair. This shuttle wasn’t a regular shuttle with seats on each side but it had a desk on one side and a bar on the other and toward the front closed off from the rest was the Cockpit. He sat down when a Beautiful Blond Athletic looking Lt. Walked on. Commander “Admiral I am Commander Bock and will be your Pilot” Admiral “Good How have you been?” Commander Bock “Good You?” Admiral “Fine Congrats on the Promotion” Commander Bock “Thanks and May I ask where you are going today?” Admiral “Going to have a meeting with the Federation President” Commander Bock “Well let's get you there on time” and with the t she makes her way toward the Cockpit and the Admiral hears the dull thud as the engines kick on 12 Minutes The Admiral Looks at his window all he sees is the Eiffel Tower in Paris which houses the Capital of the United Federation Of Planets, Where’s the StarFleet HQ is in San Francisco. He looks in admiration when Commander Bock Comes on speakers Commander Bock “We are making our final Approach to land” the Shuttle banks left and the Admirals View is filled with the Building that has the Federation Flag Flying High and besides the Flag there Was the Federation President Ryan surrounded by her team and a few Star Fleet Security Officers. When the shuttle landed the Admiral stood and looked toward the Commander as she stepped out of the Cockpit he said Admiral “Commander When are you free for dinner?” The commander looked at him like he was crazy Commander Bock “Tonight?” Admiral “Stop by the office and I will take you out to dinner. San Francisco area would be fun” Commander Bock “Okay see you there” and the Admiral walked out down the ramp and was met by the President and they Shooks hands President Ryan “Good to finally meet you in Pearson Admiral. How do you like the new position?’ Admiral “Fine, I will get used to it. How about that meeting?” She nodded and turns to walk back into the building President Ryan “Yes Come Let's get started” and the mob of people walked toward the Building. When they enter they talk an elevator to the 6th floor and enter a Conference room and takes their seat with the President on one side and the Admiral on the other President Ryan “Our Main Issue is not having enough ships in our fleet evening with the Romulans ships. So Admiral, what can we do to get that fixed?” Admiral “Our Funding is amazing and we can have the ships bulti it is just getting the crew it needs to run properly” President Ryan “So you want me to try to get some better propaganda about star fleet to get more Recruits” The Admiral nodded Admiral “It would be nice” President Ryan “Well then you will get the Recruits you need. Anything else?” Admiral “Not that I can think of” She stands up President Ryan “Well that concludes this meeting. Hope you have a nice day admiral” The Admiral Makes his way down the hall and backs out onto the pavilion where his shuttle waited along with Commander Bock Admiral “Commander Bock, where's the Enterprise?” Commander Bock “Space Dock Sir. Why?” Admiral “TThat'swhere we are going” Commander Bock “Yes Sir” and they both walk up the ramp and the shuttle takes off and flies toward the sky into space and goes to the Enterprise. When they entered the shuttle bay and landed they are greeted by Captain Townsend “Hello Admiral Welcome Back” Admiral “Good to be back” Captain Townsend “Hello Commander, Congrats on the Promotion” Commander Bock “Thanks. And congrats to you as well on the Captain” Captain Townsend “well Admiral What's Up?” Admiral “You Are going to be my flagship when needed” Captain Townsend “Didn’t know the commander in chief needed a flagship” Admiral “ Well they do but it's rarely used by the chief but it might be needed and they want one ready to be the ship. So the Enterprise is my flagship” Captain Townsend “Good”
Yes I love to write Heres At Least some, if People like it I will post the Rest, This is the 2nd Book in the Series Gotta find the First one...Mabye its the First
Okay just wanted to be sure I understood.
Moving to Fan Fiction
Okay, Like I said want some feed back from Real Star trek Fans and not just teachers
Hmm. It's tough to read because it looks like the copy/paste has jumbled all the text together.
What Hawku said. Cleanup crews, report.
It isn't formatted like a T.V. screenplay.
I recommend you review this link:
Or any other - you can find these guides easily with Google.
Is it supposed to be a book or a screenplay? Either way, the formatting is atrocious, making it unreadable.
The formatting hurts my eyes when I try to read it.
This reads more like a treatment than a screenplay. I've read several of both.
It's Starfleet, not StarFleet. It should be Madame President not Mrs. President. Meet you in Pearson, I think you might be trying to say meet you in person. Take time to read it through outloud, and make sure it sounds good, and that the dialogue is proper.
The formatting is really taking me out of the story. There might be some potential here, but it's just too rough. Like others have suggested, I'd fix that first. Second there are words that are capitalized that shouldn't be like in the middle of a sentence. Is the stuff about the flagship really necessary? What difference does that make to the story? It might not be a necessary conversation. When exactly is this set? Is the Picard series included in this universe? All we have to go on is the Enterprise-G. Don't interject too much politics into the story that it takes over, I made that mistake on my first fan fic.
If this is in fact the second part, some explaination of what happens in the first part would be helpful.
Separate names with a comma.