Family & Foreign Language

[Tiberius Jim]

Let me preface this for those who may not know...I'm white. Like blindingly, burn instead of tan in the sun white. I was raised in a small town in Northern California and grew up listening to country music, rode horses and wore cowboy boots. (I actually had a phase in 3rd grade where I wore the whole outfit every day to school.) As I've gotten older I've broken out of that a bit and am a bit more well rounded, especially after going to college in San Francisco. However, I don't think much of that prepared me for my new extended family once I got married.

My wife is Vietnamese and Laotian. She's a first generation American as her parents both came over during the Vietnam war. She's pretty Americanized as a result (calls herself a Twinkie ) but she does understand the languages each side of the family speaks.

I, on the other hand, am completely lost. In the 4 years I've known her, she's tried to teach me a few key phrases (I know how to say hello, goodbye and "very expensive") but I can't follow any conversations at all yet.

This shouldn't be a problem, because every member of her family I have met also speaks fluent English (albeit with heavy accent in some cases, but still quite fluent.) They're capable of having conversations in English as well as Vietnamese or Laos, depending on which side of the family they're from.

But here's the problem...often times when I am in their company (and when I am, I am often the only English-only speaker in the room) they nearly always tend to speak their native language. This happened today, for example. I came over with my other-in-law to my wife's uncle's house. The *entire* time I was there, the house full of about 8 people were all having conversations in Vietnamese.

I'm not sure about anyone else, but it is rather uncomfortable and awkward to be sitting there completely unable to interact in the conversation. Even more so when, according to my wife, certain family members have talked about me in their language...with me in the room. They basically just referred to me as "white guy" instead of my name so I wouldn't pick it out. So naturally, when I'm sitting in a room of people only speaking Vietnamese to one another...there's that added bit of awkwardness of "Are they talking about me?" I now know the word for "white" but they speak so quickly it's next to impossible for me to pick anything out, if it's even said at all.

No obviously a solution to this is "Learn the language" but that seems easier said than done...especially since I need to learn *two* languages to be able to interact with both sides. I would like to learn enough to become fluent in time.

But in the meantime...is it too much of me to ask that they speak English around me, or am I being selfish to keep them from speaking in a language they may be more comfortable with than English. While many of them are able to speak it, obviously they're more comfortable with their first. I'm hesitant to ask that they speak English because, at least with her mom's side...they can be very judgmental and easily offended. So I may just be stuck with being in the dark and excluded from conversation until I eventually learn one or both of the languages.

Anybody else been in a similar situation that can offer some insight?

 

[Kestra]

You could ask but I could imagine them getting offended and also not going along with it. One thing is that if they are rude enough to talk about you like that, they're not going to have the courtesy to stop altogether. The other thing is that it's really easy to not realize that you are talking in a different language or at least going back and forth. My parents will go back and forth between English and Bengali and since I understand both fluently, my brain doesn't make a distinction.

Basically I'm saying that I don't think they'd make an effort but even if I'm wrong about that (and I hope that I am), it might be difficult to stop it even with a conscious effort.

If you're serious about this and it's a huge deal to you, I'd suggest speaking with your wife and another relative (her mom or dad or anyone who you're comfortable with). Explain your concerns but don't put a negative spin on it or act like you're entitled to something different. Maybe play it up from an angle where you want to get to know the family better but the language barrier makes it difficult for you to engage with them if they are conversing in something other than English. Get someone sympathetic to your side to try to talk to the other relatives.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

That sounds like a good plan. Another issue I've had is that everyone always assumes that I can only eat "American food" and always make sure there's something for me to eat outside of what they were already preparing. While that is nice of them to do, of course, it makes me feel bad and like I am imposing. In reality I have come to enjoy a lot of their dishes, although a few are definitely no-goes for me (coagulated blood cubes or intestinal linings, for instance...) It also makes me feel guilty when there times that I would rather stay home instead of driving over to a family member's house for dinner...only to find out they prepared something especially for me. Again, it seems like a silly thing to complain about but it then puts me in the position where I have to go to avoid seeming unappreciative, and it also comes across as if they don't think I can handle their food so they just give me what I'm used to.

The language thing is a bigger deal, but I just thought I'd throw that in as yet another challenge I've encountered.

 

[Kestra]

I get the food thing from some Indian people just because I was born here. There is one auntie in particular who would always say things like "Oh Rakhee I know you don't like Indian food but don't worry there's pizza too." Used to drive me crazy. I don't love every type of Indian food but I've never refused to eat it. You're going to have some people who ignore reality and just treat you according to their idea of you.

You can make a point of asking for some of the other food along with whatever has been prepared for you (but run this by your wife first so she can tell you if that would be rude). Or do something to the language thing where you talk to a relative who can pass the word along to others.

Maybe make an effort to cook the food at home or eat it even when it's just you and your wife.

As far as the unappreciative thing, you should always clarify ahead of time whether or not you'll be going. If it's anything like my culture, you'll just be expected to attend social gatherings with your wife unless you're working or something like that. If it's too much for you, then you need to talk to your wife about it and think about just cutting down on events together.

Really though, I have no idea what the dynamics are like and you should discuss all of this with your wife. She probably would have a lot of good insights for you!

 

[Locutus of Bored]

I agree that you should ask your wife to make the request that they try and interact with you in English more just to smooth things over coming from a family insider, and have her tell them that you want to learn some Lao so you can talk with them, but that in order to do that you need to hear the English and Lao words side by side. That way it's not phrasing it like you're uncomfortable, but that you want to build a bridge to the family and have a closer relationship with them.

My aunt is Laotian, and when she or her eldest (adult) children are together with other members of her side of the family, they prefer speaking their native tongue to each other (even though the kids have spent the majority of their lives here), but when my uncle or the rest of our side of the family are around, they always speak English just so they can include everyone else in the conversation. Her youngest kids speak Lao as well but they prefer English because that's what they grew up with in school. So you get the mom with a very thick Laotian accent, the older adult kids with barely a trace of an accent (except when they're speaking Lao), and then the younger kids with Californian accents.

 

[Timby]

As far as the unappreciative thing, you should always clarify ahead of time whether or not you'll be going. If it's anything like my culture, you'll just be expected to attend social gatherings with your wife unless you're working or something like that. If it's too much for you, then you need to talk to your wife about it and think about just cutting down on events together.

Yeah, this came up as a thing in my marriage. My wife's grandparents spent extensive time in India (both as U.S. Army doctors, and then as missionaries), and all of those grandparents' children spent time both living in India and being immersed in Indian culture -- this despite the family tracing its roots for generations to Wisconsin.

As a result, when I moved to Madison (where that entire side of the family -- grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins -- lived), massive family gatherings multiple times per week was the norm. I finally had to go to the in-laws and explain that I have not-insignificant social anxiety issues and that I needed a fair amount of alone time just to keep some sanity. As a frame of reference, I'm much more comfortable watching a baseball game on my couch at home than I am at a bar with a bunch of like-minded fans.

It eventually worked out that my wife would go to the gatherings during the week and whatnot, and I'd pop over once a month and cook dinner for everybody, so I was both interacting with them and performing a service for them.

Just be up-front, honestly. Just as you can't choose your family, you can't choose your in-laws, and they are family, so approach them with the same respect as you hope they will show you.

 

[SmoothieX]

I had this issue when I lived in Boston and my parents lived in New York. There was so much lost in the translation.

 

[Mr Awe]

Anybody else been in a similar situation that can offer some insight?

I can totally understand where you're coming from. My wife's family speaks Spanish and is from South America.

We've visited a number of her family spread around South America. I didn't know Spanish. I've learned some, which has helped. However, the main thing I found was that being friendly, interested, engaged, etc broke the language barrier. You can imagine that they had preconceived notions about this American, or Gringo. And, you just have to show them that you're a real person, not a label.

Being interested and engaged is the best way that I've found. I was known as the guy who'd try anything from their countries. That's how I am naturally and it really helped. You don't have to like everything, but just enthusiastically trying it all says volumes.

But, as they get to know you, you can break down those barriers. If you can win over a view key people, suddenly it gets a lot easier. They'll tell the others, yeah, he's ok. That goes a long ways.

There will always be a few who are resistant to outsiders more than the rest. You do what you can. But, it's just like in your own home town where you won't be best buddies with everyone.

Anyway, that is what has worked for me. But, believe me, I understand the struggle of missing most of the conversations and straining to understand rusty English. I've gone for weeks where every conversation was a struggle. It get easier as you learn, they learn, and you get to know each other.

Mr Awe

 

[Mr Awe]

That sounds like a good plan. Another issue I've had is that everyone always assumes that I can only eat "American food" and always make sure there's something for me to eat outside of what they were already preparing. While that is nice of them to do, of course, it makes me feel bad and like I am imposing. In reality I have come to enjoy a lot of their dishes, although a few are definitely no-goes for me (coagulated blood cubes or intestinal linings, for instance...) It also makes me feel guilty when there times that I would rather stay home instead of driving over to a family member's house for dinner...only to find out they prepared something especially for me. Again, it seems like a silly thing to complain about but it then puts me in the position where I have to go to avoid seeming unappreciative, and it also comes across as if they don't think I can handle their food so they just give me what I'm used to.

The language thing is a bigger deal, but I just thought I'd throw that in as yet another challenge I've encountered.

Yeah, I've experienced the food thing. Well, not just food, but anything culture related. A gringo wouldn't like that. Even before meeting some, they were already worried that I wouldn't like their food, their country, etc.

I already loved trying new things. So, naturally from day one to want to try everything they made. And, it's food is actually an easy way I found to break barriers. I'd ask to try to everything and for the things I liked, I said so enthusiastically. Asked for about American food, nah, I can get that any day! A very easy way to get an in with them, particularly if it's home cooking.

You don't have to like everything, just try everything, and say what you like.

It sounds like you're already doing this, which is great. Keep at it, and things should improve. Again, just like anywhere, you'll click more with certain people than others. Work on those and the word gets around that you're a pretty nice guy!

Mr Awe