Family Dynamics

[Spot's Meow]

Tell her to elope. Seriously. I say that as a former wedding planner.

We've tried! My parents feel like a big wedding is a waste of money, but my sister is living in fantasy land and wants everything to be all romantic and fairy tale like. Gag me. My mom encouraged her to elope but she's not having it.

Hey, if your sister wants a big fairy tale wedding, let her have it as long as she's paying the bills. Sounds like one of those women who's been planning out the wedding but hasn't really thought about the marriage.

That's exactly what it is, she is not a practical person and doesn't want to think ahead. They are basically broke college students who can't afford any of it, they just expect my parents to pay. She wanted to move up the wedding by six months and when my parents told her they wouldn't have enough money saved up by then she freaked out on them. Everyone says she should wait because she is quite young and she has plenty of time to get married after she finishes her education but she wants it NOW! They also haven't been dating that long and they haven't thought at all about their futures beyond graduating from college in a couple of years.

I have been the one between my parents and my sister, listening to both sides and trying to be kind to both. My sister gets her feelings hurt very easily, so it is hard to even slightly disagree with her unless you want her to have a meltdown.

Ugh, I don't get it at all. My boyfriend and I are waiting until I have started my career and he is at least mostly done with his PhD before we get married. And we want to pay for it ourselves, what a concept! We've been together for almost 5 years now and see no rush to get married right away. I'm not even sure if I want a wedding at all, maybe just a small reception. But my sister is pretty much the exact opposite of me.

There are plenty of other family issues besides this wedding, which is only a recent development. Hopefully things don't get as bad as some of the stories here!

 

[ALF]

I'm relived no one in my family pulls major guilt-shit.
Everyone is usually talking at once so that solves some problems and creates more!

MissChicken, it sounds like your reasoning is spot on. Don't let the guilt seep through.
And echoing other sentiments, I myself wouldn't want visitors in the hospital either... if it was a planned surgery I'd have magazines and P2P... I'd be fine.

I guess if you were holed up in there for a week or more that dynamic might change....

 

[propita]

We've tried! My parents feel like a big wedding is a waste of money, but my sister is living in fantasy land and wants everything to be all romantic and fairy tale like. Gag me. My mom encouraged her to elope but she's not having it.

Hey, if your sister wants a big fairy tale wedding, let her have it as long as she's paying the bills. Sounds like one of those women who's been planning out the wedding but hasn't really thought about the marriage.

That's exactly what it is, she is not a practical person and doesn't want to think ahead. They are basically broke college students who can't afford any of it, they just expect my parents to pay. She wanted to move up the wedding by six months and when my parents told her they wouldn't have enough money saved up by then she freaked out on them. Everyone says she should wait because she is quite young and she has plenty of time to get married after she finishes her education but she wants it NOW! They also haven't been dating that long and they haven't thought at all about their futures beyond graduating from college in a couple of years.

I have been the one between my parents and my sister, listening to both sides and trying to be kind to both. My sister gets her feelings hurt very easily, so it is hard to even slightly disagree with her unless you want her to have a meltdown.

Ugh, I don't get it at all.

emphasis added

No, your sister does NOT get her feelings hurt very easily. Your sister has temper tantrums very easily. Just like a 2yo wanting what they want when they want it.

Stop allowing yourself to be put in the middle. Tell your parents that they are right (if you do think they are right) in telling your sister to either wait or pay for it herself. Give them your support on this point.

Stop cozying up to your sister. She's acting like a short-sighted manipulative person who will cry to get her way. She may not be that, but she's acting like that in this case. If she's doing well in school, that means she actually has some smarts but is choosing to be an immature brat because it works. And it sounds like it has always worked for her, so why change? And you "don't get it at all" because you are totally unlike her in your thinking--which is a very good thing for you.

I always said about my sister, "Her thought processes elude me."

 

[sbk1234]

All I can say is nobody will ever hurt you like your family will.

 

[Miss Chicken]

Another example of what my sisters do.

My mother was in hospital. She was worried about her house and cat so I volunteered to stay there while she was away and also for a few weeks after she came out (she had broken her hip).

While she was in hospital my sister (Sarah) and I visited her. As my sister lives only a couple of minutes from my Mum's home she offered to drive me home. We were talking in the car and at one point I used the word "arthritis". Now, as a child, I had a serious speech defect. I had a 6 years of speech therapy. I have overcome 99% of my speech problems but there are a few words I still have trouble with. This sister will constantly correct my speech.

Sarahr had stopped at the local video rental store to return some DVDs. At this point I asked her to stop correcting my speech. She said "Your doctor must really think you are stupid when she hears that you say that word". I said "I don't have to listen to this crap" and got out of the car and said I would walk the rest of the way to my mother's place.

I got home and within half an hour my sister Jane phoned to tell me how upset Sarah was with my behaviour. Sarah must have phone Jane as soon as she got home and bitched about me. Jane was not one bit concerned that Sarah had hurt my feelings. She said I was being over-sensitive.

EDITED TO ADD: The next time I visited my doctor I asked her if she thought I was stupid because I couldn't pronounced the word arthritis properly, mentioning what my sister had said. My doctor said she had always thought of me as an highly intelligent woman and that she had simply thought that I had the slightest of accents and put any mispronunciation down to that. She said that she had never been able to work out what my accent was but decided that I must have come to Australia from overseas as a small child. I was born in Tasmania but have often been asked what the accent is. People don't often ask me now but commonly did when I was a teenager/young adult.

 

[John Picard]

Another example of what my sisters do.

My mother was in hospital. She was worried about her house and cat so I volunteered to stay there while she was away and also for a few weeks after she came out (she had broken her hip).

While she was in hospital my sister (Sarah) and I visited her. As my sister lives only a couple of minutes from my Mum's home she offered to drive me home. We were talking in the car and at one point I used the word "arthritis". Now, as a child, I had a serious speech defect. I had a 6 years of speech therapy. I have overcome 99% of my speech problems but there are a few words I still have trouble with. This sister will constantly correct my speech.

Sarahr had stopped at the local video rental store to return some DVDs. At this point I asked her to stop correcting my speech. She said "Your doctor must really think you are stupid when she hears that you say that word". I said "I don't have to listen to this crap" and got out of the car and said I would walk the rest of the way to my mother's place.

I got home and within half an hour my sister Jane phoned to tell me how upset Sarah was with my behaviour. Sarah must have phone Jane as soon as she got home and bitched about me. Jane was not one bit concerned that Sarah had hurt my feelings. She said I was being over-sensitive.

EDITED TO ADD: The next time I visited my doctor I asked her if she thought I was stupid because I couldn't pronounced the word arthritis properly, mentioning what my sister had said. My doctor said she had always thought of me as an highly intelligent woman and that she had simply thought that I had the slightest of accents and put any mispronunciation down to that. She said that she had never been able to work out what my accent was but decided that I must have come to Australia from overseas as a small child. I was born in Tasmania but have often been asked what the accent is. People don't often ask me now but commonly did when I was a teenager/young adult.

There is nothing wrong with you, your behavior, or your actions. Your sisters are petty and insipid drama queens.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

I found out last week that my cousin Ken had died 6 months ago. My Mum rang me as soon as she found out.
Ken's mother and father had basically given up on him years ago ~ he had a drug problem. They still sent him money, but offered no support.

I called my uncle when Ken's wife died a few years ago, to try and reach him, we had been out of contact for years but I wanted to find him again and was given short shrift, and no contact number.

Ken's mother and father were eventually told 6 months after his death, by his Aunt, who lives in Greece, and we can only assume was listed as his next of kin.

I hate the fact that he died alone, I hate the fact he did not want his mother and father to know immediately ~ I can only assume he wanted to be long gone before they knew.

I do not know the whole story, but I just hope if something bad happens to someone I love I will be told whatever petty arguements are involved.

 

[propita]

Sorry, Miss Chicken, but your family sucks. Let them play their silly little emotional games. We've been reading your posts here for YEARS ... WE know you're not stupid.

Who cares what those people you happened to be genetically related to you think. They have their own agendas in life, and one appears to be bolstering their self-image by trying to tear you down. Just remember that and laugh at their pathetic attempts.

Well, maybe not laugh in their faces about it ....

 

[Spot's Meow]

Hey, if your sister wants a big fairy tale wedding, let her have it as long as she's paying the bills. Sounds like one of those women who's been planning out the wedding but hasn't really thought about the marriage.

That's exactly what it is, she is not a practical person and doesn't want to think ahead. They are basically broke college students who can't afford any of it, they just expect my parents to pay. She wanted to move up the wedding by six months and when my parents told her they wouldn't have enough money saved up by then she freaked out on them. Everyone says she should wait because she is quite young and she has plenty of time to get married after she finishes her education but she wants it NOW! They also haven't been dating that long and they haven't thought at all about their futures beyond graduating from college in a couple of years.

I have been the one between my parents and my sister, listening to both sides and trying to be kind to both. My sister gets her feelings hurt very easily, so it is hard to even slightly disagree with her unless you want her to have a meltdown.

Ugh, I don't get it at all.

emphasis added

No, your sister does NOT get her feelings hurt very easily. Your sister has temper tantrums very easily. Just like a 2yo wanting what they want when they want it.

Stop allowing yourself to be put in the middle. Tell your parents that they are right (if you do think they are right) in telling your sister to either wait or pay for it herself. Give them your support on this point.

Stop cozying up to your sister. She's acting like a short-sighted manipulative person who will cry to get her way. She may not be that, but she's acting like that in this case. If she's doing well in school, that means she actually has some smarts but is choosing to be an immature brat because it works. And it sounds like it has always worked for her, so why change? And you "don't get it at all" because you are totally unlike her in your thinking--which is a very good thing for you.

I always said about my sister, "Her thought processes elude me."

Oh my parents know that I am on their side, I tell them how ridiculous my sister is. I wouldn't necessarily call what my sister does tantrums because she doesn't yell, she doesn't get mad at you, she doesn't try to fight, she just cries to herself and writes sad diary entries about people aren't on her side and no one understands how she feels. The big problem is not that she wants attention or to manipulate people (she really is one of the sweetest and most giving people I know), it's that she has no sense of reality or practicality. She doesn't think about money, or jobs, or where they're going to live, or any of that important life stuff. All she thinks about is how romantic life is (her favorite animal, for instance, is the unicorn!).

But I know how silly she is being about a lot of this and I tell her that. I just try to do it in a way that will help her get it without her just writing us all off as people who don't understand her.

I don't actually mind being in the middle because I get to hear both sides and provide input without being the one that everyone's mad at!

Well anyway my parents are very strict with money and I know that what they say will be what goes, so I don't mind trying to make my sister understand where they're coming from in the process.

 

[Miss Chicken]

After my mother dies (she is terminally ill at the moment), I will have no real reason to stay in contact with my siblings.

I used to hate Christmas because I would be put down when I was with my Mum and siblings. It didn't happen when my father was alive as he wouldn't stand for such nonsense. Then, two Christmases ago I told them I was now spending Christmas at home with my sons and a couple of friends. Christmas is actually enjoyable now.

 

[propita]

I wouldn't necessarily call what my sister does tantrums because she doesn't yell, she doesn't get mad at you, she doesn't try to fight, she just cries to herself and writes sad diary entries about people aren't on her side and no one understands how she feels. The big problem is not that she wants attention or to manipulate people (she really is one of the sweetest and most giving people I know), it's that she has no sense of reality or practicality. She doesn't think about money, or jobs, or where they're going to live, or any of that important life stuff. All she thinks about is how romantic life is (her favorite animal, for instance, is the unicorn!).

Ah! She's a narcisscist! Her wants and needs come before anyone else's. And a romantic one at that.

After my mother dies (she is terminally ill at the moment), I will have no real reason to stay in contact with my siblings.

I used to hate Christmas because I would be put down when I was with my Mum and siblings. It didn't happen when my father was alive as he wouldn't stand for such nonsense. Then, two Christmases ago I told them I was now spending Christmas at home with my sons and a couple of friends. Christmas is actually enjoyable now.

I totally understand. While Hubby and I have no kids, no way we're leaving anything to my niece/nephews if they have no contact with us. As for my siblings, I've told my Mom that, when she's gone, I expect nothing but problems from them. She agreed that I should settle anything as quickly as I wish from her (and Dad's) family trust (re their house and what little else they accumulated) and cut ties as I feel I need to.

My co-workers once advised a newbie that going out with an orphan could be better than going out with someone with a family (parents/siblings). Less new/continuing baggage.

 

[Finn]

Wow, I have it easy. Our parents got along really long when they met. I love my fiancee's parents. She adores my parents. When we first got engaged, she and her mother called about everybody in their address book and talked for half an hour. My mother didn't call anybody because she said they would find out through facebook