OK resurrecting this thread so you all can laugh at me. Hard. Go ahead, yuk it up.
Shortly after discovering that the car was marooned in my carport because it wouldn't read my foot depressing the brake pedal to release it from Park into gear, my battery died again.
Well this was frustrating. One more freaking issue to deal with. I didn't want to replace the battery, doubting I could recoup even the relatively low cost of the battery on trade in with this gremlin-infested hell machine, I was DONE putting any sort of money into the car. Pissed off and at my wits end, I said fuck it, I'll just take the bus while I decide what to do.
Meanwhile, the car sat in the car port, totally dead, not turning over at all, not responding to anything, collecting dust. LOTS of dust. My carport is a dirty place, but with no access to a spigot, no garden hose, and no way to get it to a car wash, oh well.
I came down this morning to do laundry, and to my absolute surprise, someone washed the car for me. That's right, whoever it was took it upon themselves to break into the locked gate where the spigots are & hit my dead car with a garden hose and knock off the 1/4 inch of black dust that had accumulated all over it.
Now instead of having a broken down, filthy car, I now had a broken down, shiny and clean car!
I have no idea who did this (probably a pissed off neighbor tired of brushing against it on the way to the laundry room and coming away blackened), but I christen them the Car Wash Fairy. Thank you, Car Wash Fairy!
Feeling inspired by Car Wash Fairy's generosity, I said, you know, its been sitting like this for weeks, I should just call AAA and replace the damned battery, it will be one less excuse for whoever buys this car from me to knock the selling price even lower than its already abysmal prospects. So I bit the bullet and paid $125 for a new battery, figuring it would be one less thing to fret over if nothing else.
Well, lo and behold.
The moment the AAA guy says, "ok, try to start the car..." and I turn it over, the idle pops back up to normal, the A/C cranks gloriously frigid air full blast in my face, so hold my breath, press the break, and say wakkala...the shifter moves effortlessly out of Park and into gear.
HAAAlejulah!
The freakin' battery has been slowly dying over the course of several months, delivering ever sporatic, reduced voltages to my various systems, causing them to malfunction. New battery, almost everything went back to normal immediately.
I did a triumphant cruise around the neighborhood, playing "Chariots of Fire" in my head the whole trip.





The alarm is still not responding, but I'm not really carin', and I'm am SO relieved that I dragged my feet and bitched and moaned and took the bus instead of rushing out and dropping 10K+ on another car right away. I'm also more than a little embarrassed that such an obvious, simple solution to these frustrating problems was staring me in the face this whole time yet didn't occur to me despite my knowing that the battery was well past its natural life, and more than a little pissed that my mechanic chased after all this crap and took my money without saying to me, 'y'know, maybe we should test the battery as our first step in the process of elimination...' I'm a bit of an idiot and he's a bit of an asshole. I guess we're a match made in rip-off heaven.
Haven't ruled out buying another car, but I hope I've bought a few more months at least with the Darling Jetta. No doubt more mechanical issues are on the horizon, but I drive the car so infrequently that I hope I can put some serious distance between myself and them for now.