DS9 Caption Contest 86: A Lost Cause

[Ln X]

I hope you all enjoyed the last caption contest, and since this is the festive season there will be a few extra winners. For those who didn't win; blame the Grinch.

Captain's Log: Julian is missing and the Chief was found passed out in Quark's bar with a Terran Tiger sitting close by. I don't know how I'll tell Admiral Ross about this.

Kira: Has anyone seen Odo? I want to report the laundry service, they've shrunk my uniform again.
Kira's Uniform: Tee hee!

Sisko "Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. A little eggnog... a fuckin' Christmas tree... a little turkey. But, no! I gotta crawl around in this motherfuckin' tin can!"

O'Brien was looking forward to the Jem'Hadar USO show, until he realized it was nothing but a guy listing all the ways to kill humans while worshipping the Founders.

Gowron: " ... and if you like your holographic doctor, you can keep your holographic doctor, period."

Gowron: Welcome to Kronos Shopping Network. Our first item for sale is this combination floor buffer and sex toy. For when you want glory to you....AND your hoooooouuuuuuuse!

The multi-caption winners (and I picked this one purely because it has my favourite LOTR urak-hai line);

Dax: It was really nice of the Jem'Hadar to invite us over to their mess hall for dinner.

O'Brien: Agreed. I'm famished. Computer, what's on the menu for tonight?

Computer: Today's specials are Trill, human and Changeling.

Jem'Hadar: Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!

Finally -- in the name of festive spirit -- here are a couple of honourable runner-up captions worthy of the Celestial Temple.

Kira: So how do you like my breast reduction surgery?
<space crickets>

Dax: Um, Kira-you're supposed to reduce the size, not the height of their location.

Gowron: "The crisis is over. The Romulans have turned their transports around. The other guy blinked. I, of course, am physically incapable of such an action."

O'BRIEN: "What happens on Risa stays on Risa" is the slogan, right?

RISAN: Nope, it's "What happens on Risa goes viral."

O'BRIEN: Keiko's gonna kill me.

///

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And now, MOAR pictures for captioning!

Good luck and enjoy the remainder of the holidays!

 

[Ln X]

Garak: You know this is probably the only time a Cardassian and a Founder will dine together.

Weyoun: DO NOT harm The Sisko's son!
Jem'Hadar 1: The Sisko? That sounds like a God.
Jem'Hadar 2: Which is blasphemy! The only Gods are the Founders.
Weyoun: Oh crap.

Bashir: Now Worf, I know you don't like role-playing and I know you like Cardassians even less, but you WILL enjoy yourself. Captain's orders.

Sisko: No Dax, I don't need another one of you humorous anecdotes right now!

Sisko: You may hate each other's guts but at least keep this civil before the war- I mean after the mission.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Odo: I can nurse this coffee for hours while I use the cafe's wi-fi and stare at the baristas.

 

[Nerys Myk]

BASHIR: I'm quite sure I said black formal wear. We aren't waiters!

ODO: Actually, the coffee and the cup are also me.

JAKE: What about freedom of the press? The people have questions and they need answers!

WEYOUN: You're free to pick up a list of approved questions and their answers at the Information Center on deck three.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

ODO: So I've taken to pretending to drink my own plasma. I'm sure it'll make you solids less uncomfortable around me.

GEM'HADAR: How did you know about Agent Willie Mays?!

BASHIR: Dax is in this? Computer, is this program based on the theatrical cut of the movie, or the unrated cut?
COMPUTER: Theatrical cut.
BASHIR: Damn it.

MICHAEL DORN: Damn. I used to think MY makeup was bad.

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win!

Odo: I can literally eat myself!

Garak: Enabrain Tain said there'd be days like this.

Jake: Okay, we'll put "Dear Abby" back into the Federation News. Who knew the Jem'Hadar enjoyed reading her advice?

Bashir: White? After Labor Day?!

Sisko: Look, Dax, when I asked, "Are you ladies going down on me?" it was a Freudian Slip, really!

Worf: I just don't know how to quit you.

 

[Triskelion]

^ Oh that's just so wrong....
TFTWs Ln X!

Garak: Please don't do the sausage and eggs bit.

 

[bbjeg]

Odo: Really, a bib? It's simple, the food and drink goes in your mouth.
Garak: I may be neat when I'm at work but during meals I make no promises.

Or...

Odo: I excrete myself into this cup and then drink it.
Garak: I'm going to find another seat.

Weyoun: Stand down. I think I can take him.

Sisko: I know you're into militant women but can you cut back on the flirting. You're harassing Kira.

Sisko: It's not the size of the ridge that matters, it's how you use it.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Worf: I will pop you like I popped that wind dancer from Parallax colony.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Sisko: Whichever one of you blinks first, has to eat a five course meal cooked by Keiko.

Jem'Hadar: ...I am dead. As of this moment, we are all dead.

Worf: Veggie loaf has no honor!

Odo: They replaced the fine coffee the Replimat normally serves with Federation Folgers Crystals!

Weyoun: You see, Jake? We know more about human customs than you think. For instance, I believe this is your ancient custom of Kung Fu Fighting. Pretty convincing, aren't we?

 

[Triskelion]

Jem'Hadar: Victory is life.
Worf: It is a good day to die.
Sisko: It's reeeeeeeal!
...
Sisko: What?

Garak: It is just amazing.
Odo: My drink trick?
Garak: That Kira doesn't drop you like a horta turd.
Odo: I know, right?

Weyoun: Jake, remember what Han Solo told C3PO when he was beating a Wookie at 3D chess?
Jake: Mesa getten berry, berry scared?
Weyoun: You are dead to me.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Weyoun: Gentlemen, gentlemen! Let's not be hasty! I'm sure Jake had no idea he insulted you just now.
Jake: You mean when I said "Your heads resemble diseased concrete"?

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Sisko: Dax, you cannot threatened to use your Bat'leth to make extra holes for Bajoran earings.
Dax: She's been whistling "Dude Looks Like A Lady" around me all day.
Kira: If that's a problem, I'll switch to "Polythene Pam."

 

[Greylock Crescent]

Seven hours, thirty-two minutes and seventeen seconds: The precise moment when Sisko realized how foolish he was to volunteer as a referee the in the Inter-Quandrant Staring Contest Finals.

 

[LeadHead]

Odo:.. And since the cup and the coffee are only extensions of myself, I can make the coffee be Starbucks and not pay way too much for it...

Weyoun: Stop! I'm sorry, Mister Sisko, the Jem'Hadar take offense at the suggestion that their weapons are modified props from the second season.

Siddig: Sorry they didn't choose you to be the "Bond" of the episode Michael, but you've gotta admit that "Bashir, Julian Bashir" sounds better than "Mogh, Worf son of Mogh."

Sisko: Ops.

Kira: Weapons Locker.

Dax: Promenede.

Sisko: (thinking) I need to stop getting into turbolifts with these two.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Siddig: Sorry they didn't choose you to be the "Bond" of the episode Michael, but you've gotta admit that "Bashir, Julian Bashir" sounds better than "Mogh, Worf son of Mogh."

Michael: Sid 1, Dorn 100. Shall we compare salaries?

 

[Triskelion]

Odo: For added verisimilitude, I can even duplicate a roofie bouncing around inside my glass.

Garak: Minus the ill effects, of course?

Odo: Of course! <drinks, passes out onto floor>

Weyoun: Halt! The Founders have decreed this corridor a "Do the Twist" zone.
Jake: I would be indignant if it weren't just so sad.

 

[CorporalClegg]

For these two pessimists, the glass is always empty.

The Founder is changing. Trust us. You don't want to go in there.

Replace baccarat with poker? Worf, you can't be serious. Who would ever do such a thing?

Dax thinking: I knew I shouldn't have had that last piece of hasperat.

SISKO: No, no, no. The lizard poisons Spock.

JEM'HADAR: Who is Spock?

 

[Nerys Myk]

Sisko: Dax, you cannot threatened to use your Bat'leth to make extra holes for Bajoran earings.
Dax: She's been whistling "Dude Looks Like A Lady" around me all day.
Kira: If that's a problem, I'll switch to "Polythene Pam."

Sisko: I was kinda of hoping for "Love in an Elevator".

 

[Bad Thoughts]

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

(TNG caption contest crossover.)