Contest: ENTER DS9 CapCon 140: ...well, this is awkward.

[Smellincoffee]

Twas a long way up, but we made it -- and here at the top, our winners!

Bad Thought's "ShuttleTalk"

Tom Magliaozzi, over subspace: … Send your answers attached to a Type V industrial Replicator, to Puzzler Tower, Car Talk Plaza, Box 3500, Harvard Square, Cambridge, …
Ray Magliazzi, over subspace: Our fair city!
Tom: … Massachusetts 02238. You're on the air with CarTalk.
Quark: Hi, I'm Quark from Deep Space Nine, and I am having trouble with my Nebula-Class Runabout.
Ray: Is that spelled with a Kw or a Qu?
Quark: With a Qu, of course.
Tom: Ray, you knew a Quark once.
Ray: Yeah. He drove a garbage truck and dated a pair of clones.
Tom: Clones!
Ray: He couldn't tell them apart, so he dated both.
Tom: Quark, tell me the trouble you are having.
Quark: I'm hearing a high-pitched sound.
Odo: The only whining I'm hearing is you.
Tom: Who's that, you wife?
Quark, hesitating: No, that's my jailer.
Ray: Sounds like a wife to me!
(Tom and Ray chuckle. Quark shakes his head.)
Tom: Ray, you once had a problem with a Runabout.
Ray: Every time it hit warp 6, it went gu-dug-gu-dug-gu-dug.
Quark: This is more of a buzzing. Perhaps you can here it now.
Tom: I can. You're not going to like what we have to say. We found that the same problem in one of our customer's shuttles.
Ray: It's called a bomb.
Tom: It typically happens to vehicles of customers who betray the Orion Syndicate.
Quark: What do we do?
Ray: I think you start saving up for a new Nebula.
Tom: And give us a call back if you straighten everything out. That's all the time we have. Don't drive like my brother!
Ray: Don't drive like my brother!
Tom: See you next week.

The Laughing Vulcan's Daxquerade:

Sisko: "Old man, that has to be the worst fancy dress costume I've ever seen you in."
Dax: "The lobes are too small, right?"

JirinPanthosa's Jake Needs an Intervention:

JAKE: Yup. The Crossfit is paying off. Did I mention I do Crossfit? Seriously, I do Crossfit! Want to come with me and do Crossfit?

Hutchy01's "Lowered Expectations":

Quark: Next year we vacation on Risa.

Leadhead's "On Belay!":

Quark: Don't worry, Odo. My face broke the fall.

And finally, the Emissary's Choice, doubling as Zombie Cheerleader's Changeling:

QUARK: Why would anyone want to toss a perfectly good ring into a volcano?
ODO: The humans love this story.
QUARK (shakes head): Hoo-mons
ODO: You said it.

And now, this week's entries!

 

[Catarina]

Bashir: This is Odo. He'll be our condom this evening.

 

[Catarina]

The inevitable squabble between families on Thanksgiving

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: Psst. That's supposed to go underneath the jacket.

 

[Nerys Myk]

MEANY: Don't be ridiculous, Nana. They're doing a great job hiding the fact you're pregnant.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Odo: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.

Bashir: That's not mine.

Odo: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Julian Bashir.

Bashir: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.

Odo: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Julian Bashir.

Bashir: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

Odo: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Julian Bashir.

Worf: Striking out on a 3-2 pitch has no honor!

Kira: Chief, are you sure these public urinals are standard Starfleet procedure?

Sisko: Quark...I wish I knew how to quit you.

Weyoun: What do you mean, nobody brought the boneless buffalo wings?!?

 

[Catarina]

MEANY: Don't be ridiculous, Nana. They're doing a great job hiding the fact you're pregnant.

Nana: Don't patronize me. No woman's shirt even in the 24th century has a cinch below the breast unless it's maternity wear.
Meany: Are we in character or what? I'm confused.

 

[Catarina]

What has that been fermented with? Old sneakers?

 

[Catarina]

Dax: Tell Worf this breast plate does NOT make my boobs look saggy.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

O'Brien: DJ Kira, kick it with the hot jams.

Kira: All the slammin' shorties in da house say 'Walk with the Prophets, yo!'

 

[Nerys Myk]

DUKAT: Oh please, Sisko! I was dealing with Quark and his schemes for years before you came along. Cry me a fricking river.

 

[Leviathan]

Sisko: Then it is agreed. One shot for every time Dukat hits on a Bajoran, 2 for every time I say 'if you have something to say to me say it', and 3 shots for every time we spot someone that looks suspiciously like Weyoun.

 

[Nerys Myk]

SISKO: Look me straight in the eye and tell me you didn't do it
QUARK: I didn't do it.
SISKO: Damn, you're good

 

[Finn]

....Things got awkward when Odo forgot he was the limo....

 

[JirinPanthosa]

DAX: I don't understand why you can never dress the part when we're playing Holo-World of Warcraft!

O'BRIEN: Heh. Yeah, I'm sure we'll have no problem being alone together.
KIRA: Yeah, it's not like both of us have really dull love interests or anything.
O'BRIEN: Not at all. Yeah.

BASHIR: Oh, him? He got his face melted by Dr Zero. Bear him no mind, shall we get to the love scene?

QUARK: Don't forget the 56th Rule of Acquisition. Always betray every trust you have for a short term profit even if doing so burns bridges that would ultimately make more money in the long term.
SISKO: The Rules of Acquistion are stupid!
QUARK: Racist.

DUKAT: Yes, yes, Kinar is the only drink consumed on all of Cardassia. Drinking any other drink is considered an act of treason.
SISKO: It's basically green tequila.

 

[Triskelion]

Dax: I am Jadzia, Son of Mogh, and -
Worf: CUUUUUT!

Kira: Ever wonder if Keiko is just setting you up to get photographs for a divorce settlement?
Miles: What?? No! I already offered her 90-10. She's holding out for accidental death. I think that's why she taught Nog to read on engineering manuals.

Odo: Pardon me, Miss...?
Haddock: Haddock.
Odo: ...?
Haddock: Saksov Haddock.
Odo: Is that...sexy in Russian?
Bashir: Trademark Directive. Cost of a non-currency economy.

Sisko: Quark, you are the type of person who will say whatever it takes to work toward your advantage -
Quark: Waltz
Sisko: Pretend to be someone you are not -
Quark: Changeling
Sisko: Profit from violence -
Quark: Siege of AR-558
Sisko: And not think twice about who gets hurt in the process -
Quark: In the Pale Moonlight
Sisko: Um... and you don't like root beer!
Quark: That is true....

Dukat: I heard that the Founders got their name by pointing to a random page in a dictionary. They were very nearly called the Foundation -
Weyoun: Please don't...
Dukat: Which was short for the Foundation Garments.
Weyoun: We consider this topic Unmentionable.

 

[Nerys Myk]

ODO: Wrap it up, Bashir. I've got a Cease and Desist order from Ian Fleming's lawyers

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: Your stank face could use some work.

 

[Hutchy01]

A Gul, A Vorta, and a Captain walk into a bar...

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Dukat: ...The Aristocrats!