"Now THIS is podracing!"
Contest: ENTER DS9 CapCon #136: One, Two, Three, Four, I Declare the Dominion War
- Thread starter Smellincoffee
- Start date
"Now THIS is podracing!"
Weyoun: We Vorta have a pretty high tolerance level for smug self-congratulation, but you're pushing it.
Founder: I cannot believe the Dominion faltered before a quadrant that still uses papyrus and graphite.
Vorta: Founder, is something the matter?
Founder: Not at all. *writes very passive-aggressively*
Vorta (reading it): "Tell Mr. Pasty-Face here that the Alpha Quadrant has something they like to call 'deodorant'"? Founder, is this really necessary?
Founder: Necessary? My dear Vorta, you could knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon.
Last edited:
Kira: How many Jem'Hadar ships are there?
Dax: 276.
Kira: We can take them. No main characters on any of those ships. Ready phasers!
Dukat: To the almost conquerors but ended up being humiliated by a small group of starfleet officers, Bajoran Militia and civilians.
Sisko: This is an extremely important location for us to keep out of Dominion hands. That's why you haven't been given anywhere near the amount of support you need to hold onto it.
Worf: Okay, I've killed the Chancellor, now PLEASE stop making ridiculously stupid decisions so I don't have to do this again in a few years.
Female Changeling: As part of the surrender, we will provide the Federation with detailed maps of the Gamma Quadrant.
Ross: And the recipe for the Vorta Rippleberry daiquiri.
Female Changeling: No deal. Back to war.
Starfleet's policy for keeping Miranda and Excelsior class ships in service for over a century backfired when they were easily destroyed by Tractor beams.
Sisko: "Mr. Worf! PLEASE explain your actions to me!!"
Worf: "I killed the Chancellor in honorable combat to save the Klingon Empire from itself."
Sisko: "Chancellor? Who cares about that targ you idiot? You destroyed a priceless stained-glass picture of my late wife!!!"
Weyoun: Now I guess you'll be occupying the bathroom all night.
Weyoun: The Founder has checked the "Yes" box for the question of whether The Dominion "likes the Federation or whatever".
NOG: DAX!!!!! WHAT'S THAT BIG RED LIGHT MEAN?!?!?"
DAX: "It's just the Bend Over and Stick Your Head Up Between Your Legs and Kiss Your Ass GoodBye Alert. Don't worry, that thing comes on all the time"
DUKAT: "Aaaahhhh, a pretentious little libation, a unique air and tart at first but with a nice subtle finish. I could get very fond of this"
WEYOUN: "Nice to see you at your self-indulgent best, just what exactly is it?"
DUKAT: "A liqueur Quark gave me, tells me the humans are quite fond of it, something called Self Sealing Stem Bolt Lubricant"
LARKIN: "Yeah, she's not a bad little comm-array, a bit scratched, a few dents, some rust here and there but I've been fixin' her up bit by bit"
SISKO: "It looks like crap, I'm surprised it even works"
LARKIN: "Well, it ain't easy finding parts out here. Of course I'd love to keep everything original, it's pretty rare, they didn't make many this particular color with the convertible antenna option, but I've had mish-mash a few things together ... a lot of my heart's in this baby"
SISKO: "If we can't keep it out of the Dominion's hands, we'll have to blow it up"
LARKIN: (sigh)
WORF: "OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"
KLINGON OFFICER: "How honorable, Worf warning Stovo-Kor that another Klingon warrior is on his way!"
WORF: "No targ-breath! I just knelt down on a bunch of broken glass!"
FOUNDER (reading as she writes): "I will not invade the Alpha Quadrant ever again"
SISKO: "Don't stop!"
FOUNDER: "I will not invade the Alpha Quadrant ever again"
SISKO: "Keep going!"
FOUNDER: "I will not invade the Alpha Quadrant ever again ... I've written this over 450,000 times already! How many more?"
SISKO: "452,434 times to be exact ... and the peace treaty specifies you must write it one million times, so just 547,566 more to go!"
FOUNDER (reading as she writes): "I will not invade the Alpha Quadrant ever again ... I will not invade the Alpha Quadrant ever again ..."
Bonus:
DAX (on Defiant): "Benjamin! The Miranda Squadron is being slaughtered! They don't stand a chance!"
SISKO (On Defiant): "Just Mirandas doing what they do best, full speed ahead Old Man!"
Last edited:
Peace will be declared in 26 hours!
Nog: I don't get it. Couldn't we just warp really far to the side and go around?
O'Brien: No, you can't.
Nog: Well why not, Chief?
O'Brien: Because you can't that's all! Cadet!
Nog: So your solution is to all bunch together and fly within weapons range of the enemy fleet?
O'Brien: That's the way it's always been.
Nog: Do you people even want to keep your ships or stay alive?
O'Brien: You're too young to understand.
Nog: Funny, that's just what Uncle Quark said when I asked him why doesn't he just shoot the Founder with a phaser while she's strolling on the Promenade chatting with Odo. Or poison Gul Dukat's kanar for that matter. By the way, did you ever figure out why the Dominion fleet went to Cardassia instead of just launching right into a war the second they first came through the wormhole?
O'Brien: Look, either stop asking all these stupid questions or take it up with Admiral Pressman.
Nog: Oh, you mean the guy who had our fleet park at the starbase the enemy knew Sisko was at, and trust that they couldn't figure out our DS9 attack was pretty much going to happen on their own timetable for disarming the wormhole mines?
O'Brien: All right, Cadet, answer me this one: how is it you, a Cadet who has barely started at the Academy, are anywhere near a starship, let alone on the bridge of one? How are you even in the field to begin with?
Nog: I don't know, probably because we lost half our fleet and somebody in Starfleet had to get promoted. Makes you wonder why it wasn't any of you?
O'Brien: That's it, you're on waste extraction detail for the forseeable future.
Nog: On the bright side we'll all probably die right now anyway by those forty ships on our flank we can't just warp away from for some reason.
O'Brien: I told you, IN WAR THERE ARE RULES.
Nog: I should have stolen Uncle Quark's shuttle and taken my chances with the Pakleds. At least they're smart enough to avoid these situations using something called a WARP DRIVE. Now about Commander Worf's wedding planning during battle....
Dax: Oh no, invaders! Possibly from space!
Dukat: Mmm, there's nothing better than the first glass of tar in the morning.
Larkin: Shit, why did I have to choose today of all days to wear my redshirt!
Klingons take voyeurism to whole new levels.
Founder: You do realise that we Founders don't have names.
Ross (os): Just make an 'X' then.
Suddenly, Starfleet's battle plan of putting just the Defiant and two Miranda's up against the Dominion fleet seemed like a bad idea.