Disrespectful and downright insulting behaviour

[FPAlpha]

I have a circle of friends whom i play card games with regularly every Friday.. we are a funny bunch, there's much good natured ribbing of each other and we play to have fun and not to win (though it's nice to pull one off occasionally).

In this group we have a couple.. late 20s, early 30s wher he is in the last stages of his study and she's already finished her degree and is working for a big chemical corporation.

What i witnessed multiple times is how disrespectful and sometimes downright insulting he can be towards her. They both play the same game as we all and granted, he's extremely good at it (one of the best players in Germany) yet when she blunders sometimes he can be downright nasty towards her with , insulting remarks etc. He just puts her down and i noticed that always happening when it impacts his whishes, i.e. he's concentrating on his game and is interrupted, she's not playing as fast as possible etc.

At other times he can be quite gentle and is a good teacher of the game always ready to help out so this is what i just can't understand.. if he were an asshole all around i'd just shrug shoulders and put it away.

I just can't get how she can tolerate this extremely rude behaviour.. it's not like she needs him financially (i'm pretty sure she earns quite a bit more than him and will do so even when he finishes and gets a job), she's maybe not a knockout beauty but attractive enough and she's intelligent and very nice all around.
I'll certainly not get in between them since he's just "verbally" abusing her but sometimes it just itches me to put him in his place and teach him some respect towards his woman.

I'm not really good friends with them and wouldn't even try to be with him as his demeanour pisses me off royally but i was just wondering why women let themselves be treated that way?

 

[Kestra]

Self-esteem issues, thinking you're not that great or you can't do better, thinking that that's just the way men are or relationships are, falling in love with a guy when he's sweet and then not wanting to leave the relationship later on when you find out he's a jerk, having a "we have to work it out" mentality, not seeing things as disrespectful when other people do, wanting to be in a relationship so badly that you sacrifice other things for it, etc.

Or just being completely in love with that person.

Edited to add: One thing I've noticed is that standards are totally subjective when it comes to relationships. What my parents consider okay in their relationship, or even healthy, might be something that my husband and I would find unacceptable in our relationship. In the same manner, some aspects of my relationship with my husband may seem unacceptable behavior to another couple, or individual. There are some things that are quite clearly unhealthy especially when it comes to abuse, but there's also a lot of grey area. My basic rule is that two people's idea of acceptable behavior should match up with each other and not focus so much on the standards of others. This of course is different when one or both of the individuals has serious issues (someone believes they are a bad person and deserve to be abused, for example).

 

[TerokNor]

Love?
If he has other sides maybe she learned to be deaf to that side and let the other sides overweight this bad side.
Fear to get in a big argument/ fight? So one better is silent, shallows it and hopes for the gentle side to show up again soon. After all a big fight could end in seperation/ loosing the wanted love.


TerokNor

 

[auntiehill]

Sadly, a lot of women are brought up to believe that this what they should expect and that they, in some way, deserve it. My Dad has verbally abused my Mom (and all of us kids) for my entire life, and she just shrugs it off. But I know it hurts her; I've seen her go off and cry when she thinks no one is looking, or the times she's called me--now that he's going senile-- and tells me she's at her wit's end because the yelling and insults just don't stop. He can be downright awful to her, but she's never considered leaving him.

Her reasoning? That she couldn't do better, that this was as good a life as she could expect. Do my hubby and I tease each other? Yes; all the time. But I give as good as I get. We laugh at each other and ourselves. But if my hubby ever spoke to me the way my Dad does to my Mom..... there's no way in HELL that I would stand for it.

Verbal abuse is still abuse. It's not OK, under any circumstances.

 

[Spot's Meow]

She may not see it as being as bad as you think it is. When I first started dating my boyfriend I was surprised to learn that my family thought he was rude because of some comments he made. They thought he was serious when he was actually joking, but he is awful at conveying humor so I'm usually the only one in the room that "gets" it. Now that they are better able to tell when he is joking and serious they think he is a really nice guy. The situation you describe could be something similar. Or she could have some self esteem issues and think that she doesn't deserve something better.

 

[JiNX-01]

Unfortunately, there are women who believe that any man is better than none.

 

[FPAlpha]

She may not see it as being as bad as you think it is. When I first started dating my boyfriend I was surprised to learn that my family thought he was rude because of some comments he made. They thought he was serious when he was actually joking, but he is awful at conveying humor so I'm usually the only one in the room that "gets" it. Now that they are better able to tell when he is joking and serious they think he is a really nice guy. The situation you describe could be something similar. Or she could have some self esteem issues and think that she doesn't deserve something better.

Why i posted it today was her facial expression which just hit me.. she is hurt by his behaviour which just makes it more strange to me and it was evident in her face.

It just rubs me the wrong way that intelligent and socially secure women would rather endure this than to give him up and look for someone who'll treat her with respect all the time and not just when it suits him.

I've been on the receiving end of one of his disrespectful remarks once and for several seconds i was contemplating releasing a shitstorm but we were in company and it was otherwise a nice day which i didn't want to ruin and hasn't happened since so i let it slide but part of me wishes he'd do it again so i could tear him a new one.

It's just sad that there are people out there who'd rather "endure" parts of a relationship just so they have someone around them.. something i usually only associate with our parent's generation and before where that seemed to be common aka "What would the family/friends/neighbours think if i would leave him?".

 

[Itisnotlogical]

Don't stand for it; stand for your friend's partner. Tell him to quit being a dick to her! That sort of thing isn't cool if it's genuinely malicious.

 

[JiNX-01]

She may not see it as being as bad as you think it is. When I first started dating my boyfriend I was surprised to learn that my family thought he was rude because of some comments he made. They thought he was serious when he was actually joking, but he is awful at conveying humor so I'm usually the only one in the room that "gets" it. Now that they are better able to tell when he is joking and serious they think he is a really nice guy. The situation you describe could be something similar. Or she could have some self esteem issues and think that she doesn't deserve something better.

Why i posted it today was her facial expression which just hit me.. she is hurt by his behaviour which just makes it more strange to me and it was evident in her face.

It just rubs me the wrong way that intelligent and socially secure women would rather endure this than to give him up and look for someone who'll treat her with respect all the time and not just when it suits him.

I've been on the receiving end of one of his disrespectful remarks once and for several seconds i was contemplating releasing a shitstorm but we were in company and it was otherwise a nice day which i didn't want to ruin and hasn't happened since so i let it slide but part of me wishes he'd do it again so i could tear him a new one.

It's just sad that there are people out there who'd rather "endure" parts of a relationship just so they have someone around them.. something i usually only associate with our parent's generation and before where that seemed to be common aka "What would the family/friends/neighbours think if i would leave him?".

You might want to talk to others who have witnessed his mistreatment of her, not to gossip of course, but to learn whether she has said something to any of your common friends and whether she has expressed a desire to leave him. She might need moral support to do it.
If so, suggest she go through with it and tell her she deserves better and you'll be there for her.

And if the jerk is unhappy with the intervention, suggest he get over it. Because he isn't entitled to treat her like she's some kind of moron.

 

[auntiehill]

Yes. I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with someone after seeing him be such a douche to the person he supposedly cares for.

Why not pull him aside and ask him if he realizes how big an ass he makes of himself when speaking to her like that. Tell him that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable to witness that kind of abuse. Maybe---not likely, but MAYBE--he might realize how others see him, and might try to change.

 

[Amaris]

Yes. I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with someone after seeing him be such a douche to the person he supposedly cares for.

Why not pull him aside and ask him if he realizes how big an ass he makes of himself when speaking to her like that. Tell him that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable to witness that kind of abuse. Maybe---not likely, but MAYBE--he might realize how others see him, and might try to change.

True. Sometimes people don't see how they really are in the eyes of others. It can be a revelation, sometimes leading to better behavior out of an interest to really become a good person. I hope that would be the case here.

 

[Kail]

I've seen this many times myself, and never really understood it. Why women love the "bad boys" is a mystery to me. All I know is the @ssholes get all the girls, while nice guys get passed over.

 

[JiNX-01]

Yes. I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with someone after seeing him be such a douche to the person he supposedly cares for.

Why not pull him aside and ask him if he realizes how big an ass he makes of himself when speaking to her like that. Tell him that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable to witness that kind of abuse. Maybe---not likely, but MAYBE--he might realize how others see him, and might try to change.

The boyfriend has demonstrated he's an a**hole. If he cared what people think of him, he wouldn't mistreat her in front of them. And since he's abusive toward her in front of others, consider the emotional pummeling she probably faces when no one else is around.

 

[gturner]

I would bet that his mother treated his father that way, and her father treated her mother that way. Kids seem to take their mothers as the role model for who to act in a relationship. The behavior usually doesn't show up until they've been dating a long time (dating behavior can be quite different from married behavior).

 

[Kestra]

All I know is the @ssholes get all the girls, while nice guys get passed over.

I'm sorry but this simply isn't true. People and relationships are complicated and we often don't have the full story. And being a so-called nice guy doesn't automatically make you good relationship material either.

Then again I can't stand generalizations like this. It would be like me saying that men only pursue bitches or something.

 

[FPAlpha]

To be honest i'm not planning to do something for several reasons:

- i don't know them that well.. consider them the equivalent of workplace colleagues whom you occasionally talk to about things not related to work and very rarely, if ever, talk about private stuff

- the oddness of him being in general a good guy and often enough really caring about her if it weren't for his outbursts sometime

- it's not my place to meddle in the relationship of an adult and intelligent couple

I've done that before with another couple and have been burnt badly so i'm really hesitant to do something about it. A friend of mine knows them longer than me and he's been telling me that it's been like that for ages and he basically ignores it since they have moved together and love together for years now and there's no change.

If he physically abused her i'd be over him like an avalanche but so far, as harsh as it may sound, i'm on the stance that she's a grown woman who should stand up to herself because she doesn't "need" to take this crap. Every once in a while we have went out to get food together during gaming night on Friday evenings and talk a bit.. if she ever asks me about my opinion i won't hold back and speak my mind but as it stands it's none of my business.

Is that wrong? Would someone of you who knew a person barely in the personal sense really get in between?