DC Earth-5: Green Lantern

[Green Lantern]

First off, I know this aint about trek, but it is fanfiction Anyways, here it is. It's based in a universe I made. This is my first fanfic, be kind
Earth-5: Green Lantern #1
An average night. A man called Alan Jordans was getting over a failed relationship. He just got dumped that night, and was still carrying on as usual, no complaining, no nothing. Just willpower to move on. Bang! There was a loud bang in Alan's garden. Alan rushed out there to find a man on the ground., he just crashed there. Alan rushed to see what was going on. “I sense willpower in you, strong willpower. I'm Guy Stewart of the Green Lanterns, last of the green lanterns. We harness the magical power of will.....cougth cougth” “Here, I'll get you some water!” said Alan. “There's no point, my time's up. Just take the ring, you will know what happens next, it'll tell you.” Guy dies. Alan puts on Guys ring. Suddenly, Alan “grows” if you will a costume not to different from Guys. Alan falls uncontentious.

Alan wakes up in a old monk house with a picture of a lantern logo all around the room. He then notices it's the same lantern that appears on his costume. “What the hell's going on” said Alan. As he started to think and process things more, he realized he knew all about the green lanterns history, and how a renegade monk called Sinestro killed the last green lanterns. He then noticed that he had developed more abs and strength. “Ha, I could make a fortune from this” he said jokingly. Alan decided to go to work, then hunt Sinestro down once he prepared himself more. Alan went off to work at the weekly times, a newspaper company.

Once Alan got into the building (now wearing normal clothes), he noticed his ex was waiting for him there. “Hi Alan, lets get the job done, and not let our.......issues get in the way.” “Agreed” said Alan. “Oh, Alan, this dude is here to see you”. As soon as Alan walks in the room to meet the visitor, he recognizes the one who calls himself Sinestro waiting for him. “Um, pleasure to meet you” says Alan. “And you, nice ring you have there” says Sinestro. “Green with a picture of a Lantern, a strange but lovely combination.” “You seem to have a yellow version” states Alan. “Yes, these things are charming” states Sinestro. “May I speak to you outside” says Sinestro. “Why not” Alan replies.

The two go outside. Sinestro punches Alan in the face. Alan then transforms his outfit to the green lantern one (this is happening in a deserted alley). Sinestro then transforms his snazzy suit into his yellow robes and engages Alan in battle. The two fly into the air while punching and hitting each other.

Alan Jordans and Sinestro.

 

[KobayashiMaru13]

It's a good start. It has a very... Wikipedia feel to it? Yeah. Your writing style feels and sounds a lot like the Wikipedia summarizations of events in a TV episode. What you ought to do is focus more on your tone when you right. Try and narrate more. Find a voice in your piece.

And a grammatical note: when two characters are having a conversation, make sure to have a character break.

Once Alan got into the building (now wearing normal clothes), he noticed his ex was waiting for him there. “Hi Alan, lets get the job done, and not let our.......issues get in the way.” “Agreed” said Alan. “Oh, Alan, this dude is here to see you”. As soon as Alan walks in the room to meet the visitor, he recognizes the one who calls himself Sinestro waiting for him. “Um, pleasure to meet you” says Alan. “And you, nice ring you have there” says Sinestro. “Green with a picture of a Lantern, a strange but lovely combination.” “You seem to have a yellow version” states Alan. “Yes, these things are charming” states Sinestro. “May I speak to you outside” says Sinestro. “Why not” Alan replies.

Take this paragraph for example. Each time another person begins to speak, start a new paragraph, so that it would instead look like this:

Once Alan got into the building (now wearing normal clothes), he noticed his ex was waiting for him there. “Hi Alan, lets get the job done, and not let our.......issues get in the way.” {{HERE, you should've distinguished who was speaking}}

“Agreed” said Alan.

“Oh, Alan, this dude is here to see you”.

As soon as Alan walks in the room to meet the visitor, he recognizes the one who calls himself Sinestro waiting for him. “Um, pleasure to meet you” says Alan.

“And you, nice ring you have there” says Sinestro. “Green with a picture of a Lantern, a strange but lovely combination.”

“You seem to have a yellow version” states Alan.

“Yes, these things are charming” states Sinestro. “May I speak to you outside” says Sinestro.

“Why not” Alan replies.

And a last note: punctuation. When people are speaking, there is a certain format to follow. You tend to do this:

“And you, nice ring you have there” says Sinestro. “Green with a picture of a Lantern, a strange but lovely combination.”

“You seem to have a yellow version” states Alan.

But really, it should've looked like this:

“And you, nice ring you have there,” says Sinestro. “Green with a picture of a Lantern, a strange but lovely combination.”

“You seem to have a yellow version,” states Alan.

See the difference? More examples:

"Hello Marvin," Jane said with a smile. "How have you been lately?"

"Have you seen June recently?" Tom questioned.

"That's amazing!" Fred exclaimed, pumping a fist. "I've never seen anything like it!"

-----

All in all, it is a good start. You just need to work on some of the fundamentals.

 

[Green Lantern]

Thanks for the advice, it seems like a good and sensible judegment. But yeah, I seem to have a wikipedia theme to my work. Realy, I need to read some more examples of fanfic. BTW, Earth-5: Green Lantern will hopefully be part of an Earth-5 series, if GL is a success, I'll eigther do my version of batman, or flash.

 

[KobayashiMaru13]

Well, for some real exemplary writers, you can of course always read everything posted right here in this corner of the forums! Another good place (as far as Trek fics go) would be adastrafanfic.com. I'd highly recommend reading some of those. Great pieces. All in all, it just takes practice to really find your groove as far as writing. Keep it up! I'm sure your Earth-5 series will hit its stride soon enough!

And on a side note, I'm sure there are those out there willing to beta-read your work, and check for those grammatical mistakes! It's always good to have a second eye look things over.

 

[Green Lantern]

Cool. I'll chack the links out!

 

[Green Lantern]

Earth-5: Green Lantern #2
“Give up lantern, just give me the ring” states Sinestro. “Never, you killed your own friends, you betrayed the green lanterns” Alan says. “Ha, you're prepared to die for a ring, and a old group you know nothing about?” says Sinestro. “YES!” Alan then punches Sinestro in the face with a giant fist made from his ring. Sinestro falls to the ground, he then disappears into the distance.

“Come back you coward” Alan yells. Alan transforms back into his work clothes. Alan's ex, Sam then comes along and asks what took him so long. Sinestro then comes up behind Sam with a gun made from his ring and puts it to Sam's head. “Don't move!” Sinestro says quietly. “IF YOU HURT SAM, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL KILL YOU!” yells Alan. “And brake the law of the green lanterns, thou shalt not kill? Give me the ring, and I'll let you two go, nothing has to be said.” states Sinestro. Alan stands there considering Sinestro's offer,thinking “after all, it's only a failed team, no one's ever heard of them”, Sam stamps on Sinestro's toe and attempts to break free, but Sinestro grabs her by the hair, and hits Sam in the face. Alan then hovers fast, and dives into Sinestro. Sinestro then shoots Alan in the chest, Alan falls to the floor. By the times Sinestro next looks, Sam's gone. “oh well, I don't need her as hostage anymore” he says.

As Sinestro attempts to pry Alan's ring off his finger, the ring starts to get hotter and hotter until Sinestro is unable to get the ring off. An uncontentious Alan then flies off into the distance. “I'll get that ring one day” says Sinestro. Sinestro walks off and transforms his yellow robes into his stripped suit.

*Notes: I don't think I've improved much, but still, this is it!

 

[KobayashiMaru13]

You're getting there! Just remember, again, to break up a conversation into different paragraphs!

“Give up lantern, just give me the ring” states Sinestro.

“Never, you killed your own friends, you betrayed the green lanterns” Alan says.

“Ha, you're prepared to die for a ring, and a old group you know nothing about?” says Sinestro.

“YES!” Alan then punches Sinestro in the face with a giant fist made from his ring. Sinestro falls to the ground, he then disappears into the distance.

It makes it much easier to read.

 

[Timewalker]

For examples of other Green Lantern stories, try here: http://www.fanfiction.net/comic/Green_Lantern/

No, I don't read them. I've got a friend on another forum who is into Green Lantern, though.

 

[Green Lantern]

Thanks y'alls!