Star Trek. Lots of fun. Torrents of whinging from fans about how it’s “all wrong” in every conceivable way. A few actual (and fairly large) plotholes. I don’t really care about any of them – but I get a kick at reading others getting wound up (or in some cases, utterly furious) at them.
Lots of little things are left to the viewer’s imagination, and thus annoyed those who like their Trek quantified to 3 decimal places.
Stuff like “why the Enterprise looks different and why is it so much bigger?” or “How come space miners fly the most powerful ship in the universe?” (It’s explained in Countdown) or “why is the flagship being flown by space cadets?” don’t interest me much.
I have taken it upon myself to “fix” what was “wrong” with the new Star Trek:
How 800 people squeezed into 16 Kelvin shuttles
Supposedly there are 16 shuttles that escape the Kelvin at the start of the film (I’m taking other people’s word here – I’m not the sort to bother counting. Too busy enjoying the film!). Eight hundred people somehow fitted into those shuttles – shuttles only slightly bigger than the Next Gen ones (smaller than the big shuttles later in the film). That’s 50 people per shuttle.
Here’s the theory: Scotty’s shuttle on Delta Vega had a transporter, so it’s not much of a stretch to say that smaller shuttles from 25 years ago had them, too. In a Next Gen episode Scotty is resurrected after 70+ years stuck dematerialized in a transporter. “But!” you yell, “Scotty was the first to do that! It would be un-canon and wrong if others did it first!” – and you’re right. But the same episode says that a person can remain dematerialized for about 8 minutes in a normal transporter before their “patterns degrade” and they die. So – most of the crew is dematerialized in the transporters of the shuttles, and a constant shift of re-materializing and dematerializing people goes on by the shuttle crews (each of the 16 shuttles carrying about 50 people stored this way), so that each crewman pops briefly back into existence for a second or two every 7-or-so minutes, thus more people are in the shuttles than would actually fit an any one time.
Chekov’s Age
In 2258, the time most of the film is set, Chekov is 17. According to the old Star Trek Chronology (based on Chekov saying he was 22 in an episode), Chekov should have been born in 2245, making him 13. Here’s the theory:
The USS Kelvin was carrying a shipment of condoms to Earth (25 years worth!). When the Kelvin was destroyed the shipment was lost. In a panic, the Federation turned to some other planet for its supplies – and got inferior Klingon-brand merchandise. Thus Mr and Mrs Chekov’s protection failed them one night, and in 2241 Pavel was born, ahead of schedule.
How Archer’s ‘Prize Beagle’ is the Porthos
Is Admiral Archer’s “Prize Beagle” the Porthos we all know from Enterprise? A quick bit of maths tells me he’d be around 120. Porthos XXV? Where’s the fun in that? Try this on for size:
Remember ENT: ‘A Night in Sickbay’? Where Porthos was sick and the captain stayed up all night in the sickbay with him? That ended when Dr. Phlox gave Porthos a transplant from a weird alien lizard. Now…how long do lizards live? How long to weird alien lizards live? Maybe the transplant gave Porthos a super-alien-lizard lifespan of 150 years – that would certainly make him a “prize” beagle!
How Archer is Still Alive
A look at online Trek timelines tells me Jonathan Archer would be 148 in 2258.
148 may sound really silly, but because this is Star Trek, just about any excuse could be made. First of all, people supposedly live longer in the future - in the first-ever TNG episode, Admiral McCoy is 137. Some have said that maybe Admiral Archer is actually Jonathan Archer’s son or grandson, but I’d rather go with the intention of the writers and come up with a really convoluted way to make it work ;-)
Here are all the crazy Trek reasons I can think of that he might be alive:
The Transporter
I can think of at least 5 episodes where the transporter is used to change/fix someone’s age. I’ve been waiting years for the ‘eternal youth’ episode (or novel) where someone actually takes advantage of this, and lives forever.
Time Warp
Captain Archer could scarcely go three episodes without being sent to another time, whether it’s the distant future, our present, WWII, the slightly-less distant future or a quick glimpse of the finale episode a season early.
Anti-Ageing Drug
I just saw TNG: “Too Short a Season”, where an old Admiral got some illegal anti-aging drugs on Cerberus II. He OD’ed and died. Maybe Archer’s Enterprise was the first ship to visit the planet (maybe he got some for Porthos too!)?
Relativity
Relativity is the thing that says your perception of time differs depending on how fast you’re going. If you go really fast, time passes slower for you than those around you. Star Trek has always pretended it doesn’t exist (It was used in the Star Trek Destiny novel series, and I do remember an episode of Stargate Atlantis that used it, too) but, being ‘real’ and all they could always use it as an excuse in a future film.
Stasis Pods
Stasis pods crop up all the time, too. In fact, Star Trek has had then since 1996! Maybe he got stuck in one for 40 years or so?
How Scotty and Keenser survived on Delta Vega
You would assume that they had a replicator/food slot/whatever on the shuttle, or somewhere on the outpost. Where’s the fun in that? Say for a moment they didn’t. What would they eat? Snow? Giant ice monsters? Or….tribbles!
Supposedly the scene starts with one tribble in the bird cage and ends with two (I haven’t checked, but I’ll take CG Society’s word this time).
But…what the hell do the tribbles eat?
Fix for every other plothole in the film
Q did it.
See? Now we have a plothole-free film
Lots of little things are left to the viewer’s imagination, and thus annoyed those who like their Trek quantified to 3 decimal places.
Stuff like “why the Enterprise looks different and why is it so much bigger?” or “How come space miners fly the most powerful ship in the universe?” (It’s explained in Countdown) or “why is the flagship being flown by space cadets?” don’t interest me much.
I have taken it upon myself to “fix” what was “wrong” with the new Star Trek:
How 800 people squeezed into 16 Kelvin shuttles
Supposedly there are 16 shuttles that escape the Kelvin at the start of the film (I’m taking other people’s word here – I’m not the sort to bother counting. Too busy enjoying the film!). Eight hundred people somehow fitted into those shuttles – shuttles only slightly bigger than the Next Gen ones (smaller than the big shuttles later in the film). That’s 50 people per shuttle.
Here’s the theory: Scotty’s shuttle on Delta Vega had a transporter, so it’s not much of a stretch to say that smaller shuttles from 25 years ago had them, too. In a Next Gen episode Scotty is resurrected after 70+ years stuck dematerialized in a transporter. “But!” you yell, “Scotty was the first to do that! It would be un-canon and wrong if others did it first!” – and you’re right. But the same episode says that a person can remain dematerialized for about 8 minutes in a normal transporter before their “patterns degrade” and they die. So – most of the crew is dematerialized in the transporters of the shuttles, and a constant shift of re-materializing and dematerializing people goes on by the shuttle crews (each of the 16 shuttles carrying about 50 people stored this way), so that each crewman pops briefly back into existence for a second or two every 7-or-so minutes, thus more people are in the shuttles than would actually fit an any one time.
Chekov’s Age
In 2258, the time most of the film is set, Chekov is 17. According to the old Star Trek Chronology (based on Chekov saying he was 22 in an episode), Chekov should have been born in 2245, making him 13. Here’s the theory:
The USS Kelvin was carrying a shipment of condoms to Earth (25 years worth!). When the Kelvin was destroyed the shipment was lost. In a panic, the Federation turned to some other planet for its supplies – and got inferior Klingon-brand merchandise. Thus Mr and Mrs Chekov’s protection failed them one night, and in 2241 Pavel was born, ahead of schedule.
How Archer’s ‘Prize Beagle’ is the Porthos
Is Admiral Archer’s “Prize Beagle” the Porthos we all know from Enterprise? A quick bit of maths tells me he’d be around 120. Porthos XXV? Where’s the fun in that? Try this on for size:
Remember ENT: ‘A Night in Sickbay’? Where Porthos was sick and the captain stayed up all night in the sickbay with him? That ended when Dr. Phlox gave Porthos a transplant from a weird alien lizard. Now…how long do lizards live? How long to weird alien lizards live? Maybe the transplant gave Porthos a super-alien-lizard lifespan of 150 years – that would certainly make him a “prize” beagle!
How Archer is Still Alive
A look at online Trek timelines tells me Jonathan Archer would be 148 in 2258.
148 may sound really silly, but because this is Star Trek, just about any excuse could be made. First of all, people supposedly live longer in the future - in the first-ever TNG episode, Admiral McCoy is 137. Some have said that maybe Admiral Archer is actually Jonathan Archer’s son or grandson, but I’d rather go with the intention of the writers and come up with a really convoluted way to make it work ;-)
Here are all the crazy Trek reasons I can think of that he might be alive:
The Transporter
I can think of at least 5 episodes where the transporter is used to change/fix someone’s age. I’ve been waiting years for the ‘eternal youth’ episode (or novel) where someone actually takes advantage of this, and lives forever.
Time Warp
Captain Archer could scarcely go three episodes without being sent to another time, whether it’s the distant future, our present, WWII, the slightly-less distant future or a quick glimpse of the finale episode a season early.
Anti-Ageing Drug
I just saw TNG: “Too Short a Season”, where an old Admiral got some illegal anti-aging drugs on Cerberus II. He OD’ed and died. Maybe Archer’s Enterprise was the first ship to visit the planet (maybe he got some for Porthos too!)?
Relativity
Relativity is the thing that says your perception of time differs depending on how fast you’re going. If you go really fast, time passes slower for you than those around you. Star Trek has always pretended it doesn’t exist (It was used in the Star Trek Destiny novel series, and I do remember an episode of Stargate Atlantis that used it, too) but, being ‘real’ and all they could always use it as an excuse in a future film.
Stasis Pods
Stasis pods crop up all the time, too. In fact, Star Trek has had then since 1996! Maybe he got stuck in one for 40 years or so?
How Scotty and Keenser survived on Delta Vega
You would assume that they had a replicator/food slot/whatever on the shuttle, or somewhere on the outpost. Where’s the fun in that? Say for a moment they didn’t. What would they eat? Snow? Giant ice monsters? Or….tribbles!
Supposedly the scene starts with one tribble in the bird cage and ends with two (I haven’t checked, but I’ll take CG Society’s word this time).
But…what the hell do the tribbles eat?
Fix for every other plothole in the film
Q did it.
See? Now we have a plothole-free film
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