Calvin and Hobbes fics

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Pet Project

Calvin walked into the bedroom carrying a paper sack. "Hobbes," he said, jumping up on the bed to sit beside his tiger, "we need to talk." He set the sack down on the bed beside him.

"What about?" Hobbes asked, laying the Captain Napalm comic to one side. "Is it lunch time yet?"

Calvin shook his head, tented his fingers together, breathed in and out, then put his hand on Hobbes's shoulder. "You see, Hobbes, there comes a time in a man's life when he finds the need for companionship. The pursuit of riches, fame, and excellence has a tendency to make him weary of the rat race. Even his most vivid experiences become dull and colorless without somebody by his side to share them with."

Hobbes folded his paws together and looked sad. "I thought I was your somebody."

Calvin grinned up at him. "Of course you are, buddy. I wasn't talking about friendship."

Hobbes smiled slowly. "Oh? Is this about Susie?" He made loud kissy noises and puppy dog eyes.

Calvin made a face. "Ew! Gross! No way!" He jumped up and stood on the bed. "The kind of relationship I had in mind is completely subservient. No equal partnerships or give and take. The master makes the rules, and the servant follows blindly, no questions asked."

Hobbes stroked his chin. "And we all know who the master would be."

Calvin nodded. "Nope, I'm speaking of that time-honored bond between man and animal, from the caveman days onward." He reached into his bag and pulled out a jar with a praying mantis in it. "Hobbes, Ugly. Ugly, Hobbes."

"Ugly?" Hobbes took the jar and studied the bug.

"Can you think of a better name?" Calvin grinned at his mantis. "Look, I already taught him a trick. See? He's saying his prayers."

Hobbes frowned. "I think they already know how to do that."

"No, you don't understand. He's praying to me." Calvin crossed his arms over his chest. "See? The master-servant relationship is already firmly cemented in his little insect brain. Nothing can make him believe otherwise."

Hobbes set the jar on the bed. "Giving him a demeaning name certainly wouldn't help his self-image."

Calvin lay down on the bed, chin in his hands, watching the insect twitching on its stick perch. "Now I'm going to teach you how to bow..."

***

"Having a bug as a pet is great." Calvin sat in his bedroom desk chair, staring at the mantis. "He's small, so I can take him anywhere." He counted one on his fingers. "He's hideous, so I can scare girls with him. He doesn't eat a lot, so I can buy candy with my allowance instead of pet food. And best of all..." He glared at Hobbes. "He won't try to kill me when I come in the door."

Hobbes sighed, his body stretched out over Calvin's bed.

"What's wrong, buddy?" Calvin carried the jar over to the bed and sat down next to Hobbes. "I'm already Ugly's overlord, but you can be his vice-overlord if you want." He shoved the jar towards the tiger. "Ugly, beg Hobbes for mercy."

Hobbes shrugged. "I don't want to be a vice-overlord."

Calvin frowned. "Oh, really? So you have designs on my position, huh?" he roared. "Well, forget it, pal! There's only room for one overlord in Ugly's theology, and that's me!" He angrily poked Hobbes in the chest with his index finger.

Hobbes frowned back. "That's not it, either." He studied Ugly. "I want a pet, too."

"Oh." Calvin stroked his chin in thought. "I dunno. It was hard enough finding Ugly."

"Maybe he's got a girlfriend somewhere," Hobbes suggested.

Calvin stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Not if he follows me and she follows you. Those multi-faith relationships rarely ever work out."

"Okay, so not a mantis, then." Hobbes thought for a moment. "What do you suggest?"

***

Calvin's dad walked into the kitchen. He halted midstep, his foot hovering over a small bowl full of bran cereal. He squatted down and looked at the side of the bowl, where someone had inscribed a word in black permanent marker. "Calvin?" he called. "Why is there a dish on the floor labeled "Dad"?"
***
Calvin screeched to a stop, Hobbes in his arms. He set the tiger down on the kitchen floor. "It's your bowl, Dad. Hobbes has decided to adopt you as a pet."

Dad sighed and picked up the bowl, setting it on the counter. "I'm flattered," he droned in a slightly exasperated voice. "Why me?"

"It was a toss-up between an ant we found in the window screen, me, and you. But then I squooshed the ant by accident, and I'm already Ugly's overlord, so he can't be mine. Then Hobbes picked you." Calvin put his hands on his hips. "He's going to teach you all kinds of tricks."

"Like what?" Dad sat down in a kitchen chair. "I already know how to sit."

"First, he's gonna teach you to speak," Calvin replied, shoving Hobbes in front of him toward's Dad's chair.

Dad leaned forward, his elbows resting on his legs. "I already know how to speak, too."

Calvin shook his head. "Not how to speak. What to speak." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Things like, "My son is a super genius" and "Have some more ice cream" and "Let me do your homework for you.""

Dad regarded him with an annoyed look. "If he could accomplish that, Hobbes would be the super genius, not you."

Calvin smiled, then frowned in thought. "Now, getting you to roll over, that's going to be the hard part..."

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Heroes

"Calvin, would you please take out the trash?" Calvin's mother's voice drifted up the staircase.

Grumbling, Calvin picked up the garbage bag from the upstairs trash can and held it out at arms length, eyes and nose scrunched up, as he trudged towards the steps. "I hate useless filler words. 'Would.' 'Please.'..." He scoffed. "Just threaten me within an inch of my life and get it over with already..."

His right foot caught on the carpet and he stumbled. "Whoooa!" His little arms pinwheeled as he dropped the garbage bag and tried to balance himself, fumbling for the railing.

Suddenly, an orange, black, and white stripey blur slammed into him, knocking him backwards onto the landing. The garbage bag rolled down the steps, spilling all over the place.

Dizzy, Calvin pushed himself upwards and sat up, his lap full of tiger. "Ooooooh..."

Hobbes grinned. "Supertiger to the rescue!" He fluffed out his red cape and put his front paws on his hips, eyes closed, looking superhero-ish. "As Mom always says, 'a pounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.'"

Calvin groaned, touching a hand to the side of his head. "Pretty sure that's not quite it...but thanks..."

"Calvin, did you hear what I-" Mom appeared at the foot of the stairs, novel in hand. She slid the bookmark in between the pages and glanced up, gaping at the sight in front of her. Dirty tissues, band-aid wrappers, scrunched-up papers, sticky, dripping juice boxes, apple cores, and other random garbage covered the steps. "CALVIN! Pick up this mess right now!" She frowned daggers at him.

Calvin smiled sheepishly. "Don't worry, Mom, Supe-" He glanced to the left. A fluttering red cape lay draped along the upstairs hallway. He groaned. "I'll pick it up..."
***
Calvin stomped up the stairs half an hour later, old plastic salad tongs in hand, a mask on his face, goggles over his eyes, and gloves on his hands. He pushed open his bedroom door and found Hobbes sitting on his bed, reading a comic book from a stack on the nightstand. "So..." He snatched up the cape, balled up in one hand. "What happened to Supertiger?"

Hobbes set down the comic book. "My cape came untied. I couldn't let your Mom discover my secret identity, now, could I?"

Calvin thought for a moment. "I guess not..." He climbed up on the bed. "Wanna be my sidekick?"

Hobbes flipped through the book. "I thought Hazmat Dude worked alone."

Calvin folded his arms. "Not when he's invited to be part of an uber-secret dream team by a rogue government agent." He pulled a folded garbage bag out of his pocket. "This'll do for a cape." He looked inside the bag. "It's supposed to be made of compressed radioactive waste coated with a radiation-blocking polymer, but I guess this'll have to do." He pulled out a discarded bottle of women's fragrance, sniffed it, and made a face. "Yep. Definitely radioactive..."

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Every now and then, I get an idea for Calvin and Hobbes.