Break The Bully

[rhubarbodendron]

If you ask me, anyone who gets a kick out of bullying others does already have a severe brain damage..

Are you aware, Teacake, that you are trying to find excuses for your tormentors? You're falling back in the "it's all my own fault" stereotype. Don't! It's not your fault. It's their fault alone! They did not bully you because they already were on the way to being criminals, due to their social background. They became criminals because they started with bullying and then simply took it further.

A hard childhood / personal problems / poverty etc are no excuse for being or becoming an anti-social person (as imo bullies are). I've been massively mistreated and have grown up in poverty and still I've become a rather decent person with a sense for what's right and wrong. Nobody is forced by fate to become a bully. It's what they actively chose to be.

 

[Kestra]

That also left me with one thing: I'm ugly. Sometimes I cry after accidentally looking into the mirror. I have to prepare myself mentally to look at that face, or I react to it very negatively. When people on a street laugh at something, I always think it's me and my horrible face. For years I didn't allow photos being taken of me.

This is something I still struggle with, though not to the same extent. Well, I've made strides in the past several years. I hope you find a way to form a more positive self-image.

 

[Gul Re'jal]

That also left me with one thing: I'm ugly. Sometimes I cry after accidentally looking into the mirror. I have to prepare myself mentally to look at that face, or I react to it very negatively. When people on a street laugh at something, I always think it's me and my horrible face. For years I didn't allow photos being taken of me.

This is something I still struggle with, though not to the same extent. Well, I've made strides in the past several years. I hope you find a way to form a more positive self-image.

Thanks

I realise my perception is warped and I'm probably not as horrible as I imagine I am, and I try to fight this perception, but it helps little. So far I managed not to be so obsessed about it and not to spend evenings crying... that often.

Parents of my students, complaining that I don't smile and scare their children, don't help, though

 

[Kestra]

That also left me with one thing: I'm ugly. Sometimes I cry after accidentally looking into the mirror. I have to prepare myself mentally to look at that face, or I react to it very negatively. When people on a street laugh at something, I always think it's me and my horrible face. For years I didn't allow photos being taken of me.

This is something I still struggle with, though not to the same extent. Well, I've made strides in the past several years. I hope you find a way to form a more positive self-image.

Thanks

I realise my perception is warped and I'm probably not as horrible as I imagine I am, and I try to fight this perception, but it helps little. So far I managed not to be so obsessed about it and not to spend evenings crying... that often.

Parents of my students, complaining that I don't smile and scare their children, don't help, though

Well I'm a bit biased because I love smiling and do so often, but I would encourage you to do so more as well!

 

[Gul Re'jal]

I do when I feel like smiling. My kids like me and that's what's important for me

And a faked, forced smile - THEN I'm really ugly 'Nuff to look at 'please smile' photos

 

[rhubarbodendron]

don't worry about your looks Even the most beautiful people grow all wrinkled and shrunken after a few decades. What really counts is the character because that doesn't ever wrinkle. I'd much rather spend my life with an ugly but kind and gentle man than with a handsome egomaniac.

I'd still try that smiling bit, though Most people look a good deal better when they smile.

How about telling your pupils why you don't smile much and how having been bullied does still affect your life? They would begin to understand you and that would make them stop being afraid and start liking you. Plus they'd begin to think about what bullying can do to people and how it can be prevented.
You could use that anti-bullying video by breaking27 as a starting point to introduce the topic and then explain to them your personal experience. This would make them less inhibited and they'd perhaps start to talk about their own experiences. This way you could protect your pupils from having to make similar experiences as you had.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

The thing with not smiling (and I'm not a natural smiler, I've learned this and applied it, YMMV) is that people see you not smiling and they fill in the blanks. It's like being quiet around very extroverted people, they fill in the blank (your silence) with assumptions that you don't like them, or think you're too good for the conversation, or that something is wrong. When you don't smile in situations that society expects it people assume something is wrong or you are cold or uninterested in them.

 

[Gul Re'jal]

The thing is I smile and laugh a lot with my students. We joke a lot and have fun (they range from 4 years old to 11). It's the parents who think I'm all serious and scary and it takes time before they learn from their kids what fun we have in the class (unless they eavesdrop and hear us laughing in the classroom ).

So the problem is with my vertical wrinkle between my eyebrows, making me look angry, not with my lack of making the kids laugh

And the kids of that age don't care whether I'm ugly or not. For them I'm just magical: not black hair, not black eyes, a long and narrow nose, etc. (I teach local kids in Hong Kong).

 

[rhubarbodendron]

@ teacake:
exactly. And that's why I think it might be a good idea to explain that to your pupils. They must learn to realize that being different doesn't necessarily have to be negative and that they must accept it and try to understand it, rather than build their own theories and fall into the stereotype trap. (and that being different is no reason for bullying)

@Gul Re'jal:
ugly or not ugly depends a lot on the cultural background, in my experience. I am too plump for a caukasian, but my ex BF (African American) thought I was too thin

 

[Gul Re'jal]

I'm trying to learn to smile when I "should" but it doesn't come naturally to me.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

in an asian country it's rather important, though. I had 3 chinese roommates as a student and my sister in law is Philippine. They all would propably still smile after they'd been run over by a car. Smiling is part of their culture and tradition.

Btw, is bullying a problem in Hong Kong schools as well?

 

[Gul Re'jal]

I'm not sure. I don't teach in a "normal" school, but in a small centre. But I know that the kids are under great pressure from early childhood, so it is possible bullying is not such a big problem here, because they simple don't have the time for such things. They spend their time at school, then on after-school activities (piano lessons, English lessons, Mandarin lessons, violin lessons, drawing lessons, whatever lessons) plus huge amounts of homework, so their energy and attention is being eaten by their parents' expectations and school-related matters. Discipline above all. Fun? What's fun?

I had a discussion about bullying with my older students and all of them said no one ever bullied them. Still, I think it happens.

 

[Owain Taggart]

I love how everyone's so supportive of each other in this thread. Group hug, anyone?

 

[MacLeod]

The thing with not smiling (and I'm not a natural smiler, I've learned this and applied it, YMMV) is that people see you not smiling and they fill in the blanks. It's like being quiet around very extroverted people, they fill in the blank (your silence) with assumptions that you don't like them, or think you're too good for the conversation, or that something is wrong. When you don't smile in situations that society expects it people assume something is wrong or you are cold or uninterested in them.

Well introverts don't tend to be initiators of conversation, those that lean towards extroversion tend to have to initiate things.

Once again it's not the introvert that has the problem but the rather the extrovert who believes everyone should be like them. Initate conversations etc... That's not to say introverts won't initate things from time to time.

But there is a subtle difference between being an introvert and being shy. Now it is likely there are far more shy introverts than shy extroverts.

But once again there is nothing wrong with being shy. Shy people tend not to open themselves to many people and should you win a shy persons confidence you could have a friend for life.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

I love how everyone's so supportive of each other in this thread. Group hug, anyone?

definitely! A hug a day keeps the psychatrist away

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

I told my parents. I couldn't help it; I didn't (and often still don't) have that much of a filter when it came to what I told them. That, and home was a lot safer than school. I needed somewhere to feel safe. Even to this day I hear from some (either said about others or said to me) that it's a huge flaw that I'm very sensitive. I feel things deeply and cry easily, both when something bad happens to me, or if someone else is hurting. That, and being academically advanced, made me a huge target.

People perceived weakness. And the response was to either hurt me, or ask me to change my essential nature to be more like what they perceive to be "correct."

Still is, to this day, sometimes.

My mom tried to help. It didn't do much good because either well-meaning teachers made it worse, or the school administration joined in with the bullies in blaming me for it.

To this day, I still have a very, very hard time receiving a compliment for others. Part of my mind reacts to it like Admiral Ackbar: "IT'S A TRAP!" And usually in school, it was...bullies used to sometimes say something nice and then rip the rug right out from under me, absolutely humiliating me in front of everybody. I have a hard time trusting people--either trusting that others are being honest with me, or trusting that I am capable of holding up my end of a friendship.

 

[Captrek]

I live with four cats and they bully me constantly.

If I can be bullied by a bunch of pussies, what does that say about me?

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Harry?

 

[Captrek]

Yes, Ma'am. I mean, Captain.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

It's not crunch time yet Mr. captrek.