Becoming Men

[QCzar]

I have decided to go against the gluttony of recent threads about women because quite frankly they're gettnig boring and repetitive. I am going to start a thread about men. *gasp*

Specifically, on how the men of TrekBBS, who are of many age groups and cultural backgrounds, became men. How we were raised and what values were instilled in us to make us the men we are. Whether you feel you became your own man or are the way your parents more or less molded you to be.

How different are you from the stereotype of men (whatever that stereotype is in your country/culture)? Did you become this way as a result of upbringing or was it the personality you were born with?

Assuming you will or do have sons, are you raising/will you raise them the same way as you were raised?

Are your views of relationships informed by how you were raised or by your own choices and experiences?

Do you truly believe that you are the best man you can be, and if not why?

[P.S. - I know Misc guys/gals sometimes find it difficult not to be silly, but I ask that you all please respect the intent of this thread and not let the fun completely suppress it. Still have fun, though.]

 

[backstept]

I suppose I became a man when I realized that I work to pay my bills, not fund trips to buy things
so basically I realized the responsibility that comes with growing up

 

[Plecostomus]

I became a man the day I realized I could tell my parents they were wrong and I was going to do it my way. That's the day I realized while hella wise they don't know EVERYTHING, and that I am entitled to live life and do things as I wish.

 

[Kaziarl]

I think alot of it comes both from my own experiences, and what I was taught by my family. Heck, even some of my teachers influenced me to an extent.

I'm not sure what the going stereotype in my region is right now, but it seems to be different with each social level. I'm what my friends and I refer to a pseudo-geek. (We come up with this stuff while enjoying our favorite sport-people watching) Now, a pseudo-geek is someone who is relativly intellegent, likes math and science, but also likes the outdoors and doesn't have a pocket protector. I love to go camping and things of that sort.

I do have a daughter, and I'm trying to teach her less of a "No, thats wrong" approach, and more of a "It's your choice, but this is the consequence. Is it worth it?" one.

Relationship views, like I said before. Both how I was raised, and my own experiences.

Am I the best? No. No one is, everyone has room to grow.

 

[blaXXer]

I'm a manly man. I eat pork. I fart. I kick you in the balls just for shits and giggles.

And make no mistake I WILL kick you in the balls.

 

[Hermiod]

How different are you from the stereotype of men (whatever that stereotype is in your country/culture)? Did you become this way as a result of upbringing or was it the personality you were born with?

I am somewhat different. I'm different because I'm a geek. I'm not outgoing, I have trouble talking to people and most of the time I want to be left alone.

I don't think it's a result of my upbringing, I just prefer not to have other people choose what I do with my time.

Assuming you will or do have sons, are you raising/will you raise them the same way as you were raised?

I would raise the children I'm not going to have, male or female, to make their own choices, be themselves and to take responsibility for their actions.

Are your views of relationships informed by how you were raised or by your own choices and experiences?

My father walked out on me and my family so I am extremely cynical about relationships.

Do you truly believe that you are the best man you can be, and if not why?

No, I'm not, because I'm a lousy human being.

[P.S. - I know Misc guys/gals sometimes find it difficult not to be silly, but I ask that you all please respect the intent of this thread and not let the fun completely suppress it. Still have fun, though.]

I will try to respect that but I also ask that other posters respect those of us answering the questions and do not make the "Men! " comments this thread could easily devolve in to.

 

[Venardhi]

At 23 I'm still not quite grown up. I still surf-by on a bit of savings, odd jobs, part-time schooling and my parent's health insurance. I'll get back to you when I start feeling "adult", though I don't plan to be a "grown-up" for many years if I can help it.

 

[Lindley]

How different are you from the stereotype of men (whatever that stereotype is in your country/culture)? Did you become this way as a result of upbringing or was it the personality you were born with?

Avoiding the stereotype has been pretty much a defining aspect of my personality for a long time now, for better or for worse.

 

[jamestyler]

As soon as my father realised I didn't like football, his attentions drifted and my mother was under constant stress doing damage repair for my fathers mistakes until she crumbled when he walked out a few years ago.

I learned from all the mistakes they made and all the effort my mother put in eventually taking over control after my dads breakdown by moving back home and looking after her and being a substitute parent for my younger sister. Which was strange, but the good and bad things from childhood made me strong enough to deal with it - and I do have a good sense of people despite not being the most sociable person.

The only parenting my father gave me was based around movies and TV. Luckily he put me in front of the TV when certain shows were on and I ended up with good values from them - geeky as it is, I attibute Star Trek being drilled into my head at such a young age for being one of the few non-racist or homophobic people in my home town which led to me leading a charge somewhat for some political issues going on while I was at high school.

...on the negative side being the geek made me the target for bullying. Not from other students, but from a teacher. Rebellion against her accidently made me a fighter and I ended up having to fight for my education.

I don't know about stereotypes, but it's rare that I find anyone with an open mind where I live and I was genuinly shocked when I realised just how narrow minded people could be when I was working for Sky and my whole team shunned somenoe for being openly gay. I believe the term used was the classic "I don't care if he's gay, but I'll fuck him up if he comes near me." A lesbian friend who worked there found great comfort in my standing up for her when the attitudes became too much to bear... which I think can only be a good thing.

Relationships... I've had two that were good, yet both left me feeling hurt and betrayed. My last mjor relationship ended because the other party was selfish and thoughtless, but would only admit those mistakes to me and to her parents put all the blame on me. Which resulted in issues over access to my daughter which I'm currently trying to fight through. The less said about that the better. But... relationships haven't been the best learning experience.

With my daughter I raised her with rules and discipline from a young age to both ensure she doesn't become the stereotypical unruly bastard child that run the streets and because I want her to grow up strong. When she's older I want to teach her to rise above things, to stay strong and more importantly to always aproach things with an pen mind - though that may not be hard as she has a gay uncle and granfather and a bixesual mother.

But... I know that sadly there will be children with less open minded parents who's children may pick on her for that... and her mothers side of the family (her grandfather excluded) aren't terribly nice people, and they're dragging my ex down to their level which is why we broke up. Both she and I also have mental health issues so... yeah... I just want her to be strong, open minded and happy.

As for believing if I'm the best man I can be. No. Not in the slightest. I can be too honest, I firmly believe the Garak line of "Lying is a skill that must be praticed" and I'm having serious doubts over my career choice as that was at the heart of my in laws turning on me (Chris Benoit killed his wife, all wrestlers then must be evil) and I know to perform as an evil person, I must have some evil in me.

The only good thing I see in myself is that I love my daughter and I would do anything for her, such as the custody/access thing, no matter what I won't walk away from her.

More lengthy an in depth than intended - in far too much of a serious mood

 

[Dale]

I was born male, but I guess the moment I "became a man" would be when my mom tried to smack me in the face and I caught her hand. There was nothing violent about it, I just didn't let her hit me.

 

[Mooch]

I suppose I became a man when I realized that I work to pay my bills, not fund trips to buy things
so basically I realized the responsibility that comes with growing up

that's depressing.
I hope I never work to "pay my bills"

 

[Holdfast]

[P.S. - I know Misc guys/gals sometimes find it difficult not to be silly, but I ask that you all please respect the intent of this thread and not let the fun completely suppress it.]

With one sentence, you destroy my entire raison d'etre on the board.




OK, OK, serious answer: I guess I really became a man when I realised I could totally destroy someone emotionally and I chose not to.

 

[Zulu Romeo]

OK, OK, serious answer: I guess I really became a man when I realised I could totally destroy someone emotionally and I chose not to.

I was 17 when I had the ability to do that. As it happened, the person in question was someone I had a serious crush on two and a half years previously. I was not so much a Man™ as an Animal™. I hated it.


To be honest, I probably became a Man™ once I started earning serious money and started taking responsibility for my finances. No, it still isn't working...

In every other respect, I still feel like a Child™ - learning, growing, and being very very silly.

 

[ManOnTheWave]

Life's experiences whittle you away or build you up depending on what they are and how you react to them. That said, I got my first communion; I'm still the same guy. Graduated high school, got a watch; still the same guy. Turned 18; still the same guy. Voted for the first time; still the same guy. Lost my virginity; still the same guy. Turned 21; still the same guy. Had a relationship for ten years; still the same guy. Said relationship went down in flames; still the same guy. Met the love of my life; still the same guy. Let her go; still the same guy. Bought a car and paid it off; still the same guy. Buried my brother; still the same guy. Buried my father; still the same guy. And so on. I've hit numerous milestones, and in degrees they change me, but I never "became a man."

Unless we're talking about when my pubes grew out.

 

[captcalhoun]

^ how old are you? i'm 31 and i feel the same.

i can be responsible and grown up about money (mostly)*. but the rest of the time, i still feel like a 16 year old.


*not to go into too much personal detail, but i manage my money better than my 40-year old sister or my 66 year old father.

 

[ManOnTheWave]

36.

And, yeah, age certainly doesn't correspond to responsible or mature.

 

[captcalhoun]

sorry, i was really talking to ZR.

although, yeah, i feel like i'm the same guy since i was about 15/16...

still a Trekkie, still read SW and Trek tie-ins and not much else. still ogle women. still read comic books...

 

[Zulu Romeo]

I'm not that far off from you in fact - I'm 29, and still me.

 

[Emher]

I feel my parents have taught me A LOT. About tolerance, to be caring, but to tell someone to shut the fuck up when they're out of line, that no one is going to help my except your self (ironically they have been extraordinaliy supportive and helped me a lot over the last few years). I feel that is the groundwork but I've done a lot of learning myself, and have lots to go.

In fact I didn't realised until just a year or so ago that my dad does NOT consider me a fuckup and is embarrassed about me, that he is instead proud of every little step I've taken towards adulthood, and that those feelings where mine that I projected unto him. That and my relativly new intrest for cars have made us talk a lot more and easier then we've ever done before.

As for when I became a man, I think it was when I vent on a trip the US for ten days in june of 2006, all by myself, to see my then girlfriend. I went all by myself, on a trip I'd payed myself. It was the first time I'd ever done something like that and I was a tremendous growing experience. Even before I officially entered the US I had to defend my stay in the US to not one but TWO DHS agents. Quite the nerwracking thing, but I pulled trough.

I guess I'm different from the sterorype of a man because at least around here it's normal for a guy my age to drink his head of every weekend and party with "the guys". I don't do that, partly due to the fact that I don't have many friends, but also because I don't see the use in wating my money on alcohol that I can't handle very well any way. Also I do not watch soccer rigorously. And I'm pretty sure I'm a bit too caring for the sterotype as well. I've been compared to a big teddybear, big, friendly and huggable. But I'm still a bear and mess with me or those I love and I will fucking end you. Trust me you do not want get in fight me, I'm stubborn as hell and fight dirty.

I definetly wasn't born how I am, I've changed a lot over the last ten years. Ten years ago I was a 5'10" fat kid who wanted to shrink away form the face of the earth so that I might be left alone. Now I'm a 6'3" man who's maybe not the most confident man in the world but I walk tall and take up my room.

If I have sons, I'll probably raised them very similar to how my parents raised me. With a few small changes about things that I have found hard to understand, but they are minor things.

My view on relationships are a combination of many things. My parents have invested me with some core values, but those I have molded to my own in essence. My parents where a lot wilder then I am when they where younger, but intrestingly enough they are more conservative on the subjects of relationships and sex then I am. Me I don't have to be married, I don't have to stay with a girl for the rest of my life, I'm okay with having a friend with benifits, I'm okay with the fact that I'm bi (albeit with a heavy bias to women, more cuddly). What I'm not okay with is being alone, and that is probably because since I have a large family I've never really lived alone. I lived alone for 1½ months a few years ago. The last month was hell. I couldn't take the quiet.

And I most definetly do not think I'm the best man I can be. I can be less egoistic, more confident, thinner, better at planning, less selfingendulgant, braver, speak my mind more...the list goes on. A lot of it has to do with my self esteem and trust issues (the latter is due to the fact that I've been betrayed by almost everyone except my family). I work on it every day and try to be a better man. For myself at least, but also for my parents that have given me so much.

 

[Lookingglassman]

I became a man when I joined the Army. I was on my own, responsible for 15 other lives and 12 million dollars worth of equipment at age 22.

As for relationships, I gotta credit my mother for that. She always taught me to respect women and that no means no. I never fought with past girlfriends over anything. If I screwed up I took my tongue lashing and went about my business. If they screwed up I told them I was upset, but never cursed at them or even wanted to hit them. The drawback to this was I was always seen as the "nice guy who we can be friends with" when it came to girls. They flocked to the losers who treated them like crap, but then came crying to me when their loser boyfriends dumped them or cheated on them.