He took the hot dog and handed the vendor a ten-dollar bill. “Where’s my change?” he asked. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
Bad Joke...
- Thread starter Gil T.Azell
- Start date
After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor. “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
“That’s serious” says the doctor. “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
Oh, and:
Mrs. Schroedinger to Mr. Schroedinger: What the hell did you do to the cat? It looks half dead!!!
Thanks! This is a great addition to the original joke.
And now another.
A man walks into a Greek tailor shop and hands the tailor a torn pair of pants.
The tailor says, "Euripides?"
The many replies Eumenides!"
raf
There's a cruise ship with a magician who has a regular gig there every day. All the passengers and crew love to come to his show - including the captain, who unfortunately brings his parrot. The parrot and the magician absolutely hate each other, since the parrot speaks English and always gives everything away ("He's got it up his sleeve!", "He's putting it under his hat!", etc.). So one day the magician can't take any more of this abuse and pulls out a shotgun. He fires at the bird, but misses; the bullet hits a propane tank and blows the ship into a billion pieces.
The only survivors are the magician and the parrot.
So they're out there floating on two pieces of wood and the parrot finally says,
"All right, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"
The only survivors are the magician and the parrot.
So they're out there floating on two pieces of wood and the parrot finally says,
"All right, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"
Oh you just got to love Ron White.
^ And this one:
Two guys are taking flying lessons. One says to the other that their instructor is an 8th degree black belt and a homosexual. The guy says that if he doesn't succumb to the instructor's sexual advances, he'll have to jump out of the plane.
"Well?" the second guy says. "Did you jump?"
"Yeah...a little, at first."
Two guys are taking flying lessons. One says to the other that their instructor is an 8th degree black belt and a homosexual. The guy says that if he doesn't succumb to the instructor's sexual advances, he'll have to jump out of the plane.
"Well?" the second guy says. "Did you jump?"
"Yeah...a little, at first."
Must show the level of my intelligence when I am more amused by Hollywood jokes than Verschränkung 
At a posh party, an obviously drunk man staggers up to the hostess and says, "Excuse me, ma'am. Do you have green, red and yellow toilet paper that says 'Fuck you'?"
"I most certainly do not!" she replies.
"Oh my God, I just wiped my ass with your parrot!"
(I love parrot jokes.)
"I most certainly do not!" she replies.
"Oh my God, I just wiped my ass with your parrot!"
(I love parrot jokes.)
^ Reminds me of the one with the worm looking out of a bird's ass and saying "You wouldn't shit me, would you?"
I am starting to love parrot jokes too.
From a buddy's Face book status.
A Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute.. "do you know who the father is?"
Prostitute: "For fuck sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?
A Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute.. "do you know who the father is?"
Prostitute: "For fuck sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?
There once was a man who played the bagpipes. A friend, who was a funeral director, came up to him and said, I have this burial for a homeless man tomorrow, noon. He's got no family and no friends. I feel kind of bad for him and I was wondering. Do you think you could come and play something on the bagpipes for him at the grave side?"
"Oh, sure, I'd be glad to. Where is the burial?"
"Bill McDougal said we could have a plot for him at the back of his south forty. But is kind of hard to find. Should I draw you a map?
Nah, I know where it is. I'll see you there.
Unfortunately, the man did not know the way as well as he though. He got lost and didn't arrive until 2 PM. The funeral coach was gone, the vault was in the hole and no one was there but the burial works, who were just finishing lunch.
Well, thought the man, I can still play something for him. He got out his bagpipes and began to play Amazing Grace."
I felt so bad for the guy, not having anybody to even come to his funeral, that I played my very best! I played my heart out!
As he was playing, the digging crew began to wander over and stand by the hole. One took off his cap and began to twist it in his hands. Two others kind of sniffed back tears. They were all deeply moved.
When the song was done, the foreman, a big burly fella, wiped his eyes and exclaimed, Faith and begorra! I ain't never heard nothin' like that before, and I been puttin' in septic tanks for over forty years!
raf
"Oh, sure, I'd be glad to. Where is the burial?"
"Bill McDougal said we could have a plot for him at the back of his south forty. But is kind of hard to find. Should I draw you a map?
Nah, I know where it is. I'll see you there.
Unfortunately, the man did not know the way as well as he though. He got lost and didn't arrive until 2 PM. The funeral coach was gone, the vault was in the hole and no one was there but the burial works, who were just finishing lunch.
Well, thought the man, I can still play something for him. He got out his bagpipes and began to play Amazing Grace."
I felt so bad for the guy, not having anybody to even come to his funeral, that I played my very best! I played my heart out!
As he was playing, the digging crew began to wander over and stand by the hole. One took off his cap and began to twist it in his hands. Two others kind of sniffed back tears. They were all deeply moved.
When the song was done, the foreman, a big burly fella, wiped his eyes and exclaimed, Faith and begorra! I ain't never heard nothin' like that before, and I been puttin' in septic tanks for over forty years!
raf
The Golfer
He left home around 8:30 to play golf with his friends.
On the way out the door, he answered his wife's "What time will you be home?" question with
"Probably around 1:30 - I'll have lunch at the club."
1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home.
Finally at about 7:00 PM he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents
his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.
"We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands.
She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer.
She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit.
I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with.
Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex.
And that is why I am so late getting home."
His wife looked him right in the eye and said "Don't bullshit me -- you played 36 holes, didn't you?"
He left home around 8:30 to play golf with his friends.
On the way out the door, he answered his wife's "What time will you be home?" question with
"Probably around 1:30 - I'll have lunch at the club."
1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home.
Finally at about 7:00 PM he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents
his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.
"We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands.
She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer.
She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit.
I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with.
Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex.
And that is why I am so late getting home."
His wife looked him right in the eye and said "Don't bullshit me -- you played 36 holes, didn't you?"
A beautiful blond is laying in bed with her husband when the news comes on. The news caster says that in a tragic skydiving accident that six Brazilian men were killed. The blond starts to cry hysterically. Her husband trying to console her says it is certainly sad but they were skydiving so why is she so upset. She responds "how many is a Brazilian?"
********************
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, ‘Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.’
‘Sure,’ they said, ‘You’re welcome.’ So they started playing and enjoyed The game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, ‘What do you do for a living?’
‘I’m a hit man,’ was the reply.
‘You’re joking!’ was the response.
‘No, I’m not,’ he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. ‘Here are my tools.’
‘That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,’ said the other friend, ‘Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.’ So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
‘Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.’ ‘Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
See she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her…… He’s naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, ‘How much do you charge for a hit?’
‘I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.’
‘Can you do two for me now?’
‘Sure, what do you want?’
‘First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.’
‘Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.’
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
‘Are you going to do it or not?’ said the friend impatiently.
‘Just be patient,’ said the hit man calmly,’I think I can save you a grand here…..’
********************
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, ‘Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.’
‘Sure,’ they said, ‘You’re welcome.’ So they started playing and enjoyed The game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, ‘What do you do for a living?’
‘I’m a hit man,’ was the reply.
‘You’re joking!’ was the response.
‘No, I’m not,’ he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. ‘Here are my tools.’
‘That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,’ said the other friend, ‘Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.’ So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
‘Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.’ ‘Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
See she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her…… He’s naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, ‘How much do you charge for a hit?’
‘I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.’
‘Can you do two for me now?’
‘Sure, what do you want?’
‘First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.’
‘Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.’
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
‘Are you going to do it or not?’ said the friend impatiently.
‘Just be patient,’ said the hit man calmly,’I think I can save you a grand here…..’
at the second one...
Re: Bad Joke...The Golf Fence
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Now THAT'S a good joke!
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