Bad Joke...
- Thread starter Gil T.Azell
- Start date
how many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?
4. 1 to make it, 1 to supply it wholesale, 1 to fit it and 1 to do the accounts. that's 2 slips of latinum, hew-mon
4. 1 to make it, 1 to supply it wholesale, 1 to fit it and 1 to do the accounts. that's 2 slips of latinum, hew-mon
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.Just opened it and some b*st*rd's sent me a magnifying glass!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impati--
MOO!
(I came across this on Facebook this evening. I don't know why, but it made me laugh.)
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impati--
MOO!
(I came across this on Facebook this evening. I don't know why, but it made me laugh.)
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good!
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"
The man replied, "When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these...if they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"
The man replied, "When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these...if they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
I know the topic is called "Bad Jokes," but let's not resort to racist and sexist jokes again, please. Be conscious and respectful of your fellow posters.
A minister is interviewing three couples - one young, one middle-aged, one elderly - who all want to become members in his church. The minister says that they all have to abstain from sex for a period of two weeks, then come back to his office and talk to him about it.
Two weeks pass. Then the minister calls each couple into his office, one after the other, and asks them how they managed to go without sex for two weeks.
The elderly couple said that they managed to avoid temptation; the middle-aged couple said that they had to sleep in separate beds but still they managed as well. The young husband said: "Well, at first I thought we were going to make it. But then my wife dropped a light bulb on the floor and it broke; she bent over to clean it up and...well I couldn't control myself anymore, and we made love right there on the floor."
The minister said he was sorry but the young couple wouldn't be welcome in his church.
"That's okay," the young husband says, "We won't be welcome in that Home Depot anymore either."
Two weeks pass. Then the minister calls each couple into his office, one after the other, and asks them how they managed to go without sex for two weeks.
The elderly couple said that they managed to avoid temptation; the middle-aged couple said that they had to sleep in separate beds but still they managed as well. The young husband said: "Well, at first I thought we were going to make it. But then my wife dropped a light bulb on the floor and it broke; she bent over to clean it up and...well I couldn't control myself anymore, and we made love right there on the floor."
The minister said he was sorry but the young couple wouldn't be welcome in his church.
"That's okay," the young husband says, "We won't be welcome in that Home Depot anymore either."
A man hears a voice in his head one day. The voice says: "Quit your job, take all your money, and go to Vegas."
The man ignores the voice, but it just won't shut up. It says the same thing over and over, every day: "Quit your job, take all your money, and go to Vegas."
So finally he can't take it anymore and he does what the voice says: He quits his job, withdraws all the money from his bank account, and goes to Las Vegas.
As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice says: "Go to Caesar's Palace." The man does that.
"Make your way to the roulette table." He does.
"Put all your money on Red 17." He does.
The wheel spins...and comes up black 11.
The voice says, "Fuck."
The man ignores the voice, but it just won't shut up. It says the same thing over and over, every day: "Quit your job, take all your money, and go to Vegas."
So finally he can't take it anymore and he does what the voice says: He quits his job, withdraws all the money from his bank account, and goes to Las Vegas.
As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice says: "Go to Caesar's Palace." The man does that.
"Make your way to the roulette table." He does.
"Put all your money on Red 17." He does.
The wheel spins...and comes up black 11.
The voice says, "Fuck."
You are locked in a featureless room. There is only one door, but it is solid steel and locked up tighter than Fort Knox. There's no possibility of forcing your way through it. The only items in the room with you are a piano, a table, a wood saw (not able to cut through the walls or door or locks), and a baseball bat and ball.
There are three ways out. What are they?
There are three ways out. What are they?
Use the piano keys to unlock the door.
Cut the table in half, then reassemble it. Two halves make a hole so you can climb out.
Throw the baseball in the air and swing at it but miss. Repeat twice more. Three strikes and you're out!
Now i'd like to apologize in advance in case anyone takes offense at this. There is no ill meaning behind this. I heard these two the other day. I have plenty more Arab jokes to spare since the town i live in has a 60% Iraqi population. This town isnt called Little Baghdad for no reason...
This one is actually no so terrible, though.
Two Muslims walk in the desert. One approached the other and said, "Achmed. Why is you wife walking five meters ahead of you when the Quran says she has to walk five meters behind you?"
Achmed looked back at his friend, "Hassan, the Quran was written many many years ago. Long before the land-mine was invented."
Achmed looked back at his friend, "Hassan, the Quran was written many many years ago. Long before the land-mine was invented."
This one is actually no so terrible, though.
A family arrives from Iraq to Sweden. Their youngest son is enrolled in the local school. During his first day at school, his teacher approaches him, "What is your name?" she asks.
"My name is Raid Halef," he responds warily.
"No, no. You live in Sweden and you're a swede. From now on, you name is Anders Svensson."
Anders accepts her reasoning since teachers are always right and when school is over, he goes home. In the evening, when his mother summons him for supper he refuses to come. When his mother inquires the reason he says that since he's a swede and lives in sweden his name is not Raid but Anders. So he doesn't respond to his olds name anymore.
His mother gets angry and slaps him. When his father come home and hears what has happened, he slaps Anders as well.
Next day at school, the teacher asks what has happened to Anders since he has bruises everywhere.
He reponds, "I hadn't even been a swede for a full day before to damn Arabs beat the crap out of me."
"My name is Raid Halef," he responds warily.
"No, no. You live in Sweden and you're a swede. From now on, you name is Anders Svensson."
Anders accepts her reasoning since teachers are always right and when school is over, he goes home. In the evening, when his mother summons him for supper he refuses to come. When his mother inquires the reason he says that since he's a swede and lives in sweden his name is not Raid but Anders. So he doesn't respond to his olds name anymore.
His mother gets angry and slaps him. When his father come home and hears what has happened, he slaps Anders as well.
Next day at school, the teacher asks what has happened to Anders since he has bruises everywhere.
He reponds, "I hadn't even been a swede for a full day before to damn Arabs beat the crap out of me."
I know I've posted this in joke-threads before, but I think it caught the engineer spot on!
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wiper on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wiper on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
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