Bad Joke...

[ManOnTheWave]

A traveling salesman walks up to a farm house where he's greeted by a farmer and his skinny little dog. The salesman pats the the dog on his head and asks," what's his name?" to which the farmer replies, "Porky."

"Why do you call him 'Porky'?" asked the salesman.

Farmer replies, "He likes to fuck pigs."

*****

A traveling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. After a minute the door opens, and a ten year old boy appears wearing a tutu, and his mother's make up. He has a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.

The salesman asks, "son, are your parents at home?"

The boy replies, "what the fuck do you think?"

 

[K'Ehleyr]

And what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A boomewrong?

Or possibly... a stick?

Where's that percontation point when you need it?

 

[LitmusDragon]

What's the deal with airline peanuts?

 

[K'Ehleyr]

What's the deal with airline peanuts?

I don't know LitmusDragon, you tell me

 

[infinix]

A blond, a brunet, and a redhead is trying to escape from a convent. So in the dead of the night, they snuck out and starts to climb over the fence. They try to be as quiet as possible, but the redhead made some noise that attracts the attention of the guards.

So the guards come running and asking "who's there?"

The redhead whispers "meow....." and the guards say to each other "oh, its just a cat."

The brunet is the next to climb over the fence, but she also made some noise. And the guard came running "who's there?"

The brunet whispers "meow......" and the guards say to each other "oh, its another cat."

The blond goes last, and again, makes some noise and attracts the guards.

The blond thought she should follow the examples of her sisters so she whispers "I'm just a cat, too."

 

[trekkiedane]

^Hmmm....

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."Other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."​

 

[ManOnTheWave]

When the occupants of a convent gathered for morning prayer, the Mother Superior stood before them and announced that a man had been in the convent over night.

99 nuns gasped and one giggled.

The evidence found was a condom.

99 nuns gasped and one giggled.

It had been used.

99 nuns gasped and one giggled.

It was broken.

99 nuns giggled and one gasped.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Oh don't make me do this...

2 nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap?" the other one gasps "Yes! It does, doesn't it"

 

[infinix]

2 nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap?" the other one gasps "Yes! It does, doesn't it"

Um.... I don't get it.

 

[B.J.]

Glad to know I'm not the only one. Must be a regional dialect/accent thing?

 

[John Clark]

Glad to know I'm not the only one. Must be a regional dialect/accent thing?

Could be. Think Where/Wear

(It also reminds me of an advert when they were changing the name of the marathon bar to Snickers over here. If I recall correctly, an Australian on holiday walks into a newsagents and says "Where's your Snickers?"
The newsagent takes one look at the guys trainers/sneakers and says "I'm sure it does sir")

 

[LitmusDragon]

I half suspect K'Ehleyr is pulling a version of the no soap, radio prank.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Could be. Think Where/Wear

 

[Admiral2]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

 

[Schistocerca]

Little Tommy is sat bored at home so his mother says, "hey little Tommy why don't you go and play with Mikey who lives next door?"
Little Tommy replies, "would you play with a cheating, lying, stealing cry baby?"
Little Tommy's mother replies, "well no I would not!"
And little Tommy replies, "and neither will Mikey next door."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A man has been walking into an Irish pub every day and ordering three shots of whiskey. The barman would always pour three shots and the man would drink them down, one after the other.

This goes on for awhile, and the barman finally says "Look, wouldn't it be easier if I poured all this whiskey into one shot?"

The man says "Oh no, lad, it's like this. My brothers and I always used to go out drinking together every day. Then we all moved to different towns. This way, I can pretend that they're still here with me."

So this goes on for awhile longer. Then one day the man comes in and only asks for two shots. The barman says, "What happened? Did somebody die?"

"No," the man replies. "I decided to quit drinking."

 

[ManOnTheWave]

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are." His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
"Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"
"Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?"
"Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing my balls off!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A bartender named Dick had many regular customers in his bar. One of these was a doctor, who always came in and ordered an almond daiquiri, every day.

So one day, shortly before the doctor's usual arrival time, Dick finds out he's run out of almonds. He doesn't want to disappoint a loyal customer, so he looks around and picks up a hickory nut - thinks it's better than nothing, and makes a drink out of that.

The doctor comes in and takes a swig of the drink.

"Is that an almond daiquiri, Dick?" he says.

"No," the barman replies, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

 

[Mr Silver]

A group of clowns rent furnished apartments in a condominium, but are annoyed to discover they have not been provided with ironing boards. They go to complain to their landlord saying that all the other tenants have ironing boards except the clowns. "It’s in the contract", says the landlord. "You clowns have to use your window sills, because every clown has a sill for ironing."

 

[LitmusDragon]

A group of clowns rent furnished apartments in a condominium, but are annoyed to discover they have not been provided with ironing boards. They go to complain to their landlord saying that all the other tenants have ironing boards except the clowns. "It’s in the contract", says the landlord. "You clowns have to use your window sills, because every clown has a sill for ironing."

What a horrible pun. I like it.