Autism & Family Drama

[Gryffindorian]

I have a 15-year-old nephew with autism. "Nate" was first diagnosed when he was about four or five years old. My sister Annie and her ex-husband have been proactive for the most part in getting the right care for their son. I don't know if Nate is taking any medications, but he has regular weekly ABA sessions.

Things have not been easy on my sister and her family. Part of the reason she and her ex split up was that they often fought over the time spent looking after Nate. My sister has always been involved in church activities while Randall is a workaholic. Well, now that they're going through the divorce, Nate and his older brother Nick spend their times evenly between their parents.

Nate can be a handful. When he was younger, he was rather hyperactive, and he has a history of aggressive behavior (e.g., hitting, pinching, scratching people), so going out and being in social situations has always been a challenge for the family. Even the rest of my family (mom, dad, brother, sisters, nephews) has always exercised a lot of patience with him.

This past Saturday Annie and Nate came over my parents' house, as that was part of Nate's weekly routine. Out of the blue, the kid hit my dad (his grandfather) in the back. My dad was livid, perhaps after getting struck a number of times on different occasions. It really pushed him over the edge, and he started yelling at Nate while Annie pulled her son aside and scolded him. My dad had never had an outburst like that before, and he was very angry. My sister was quite upset, so she and Nate decided to leave.

Nate is not a bad kid, and he doesn't understand these things, or that actions have consequences. He really needs constant adult supervision. On the other hand, my dad's patience has run out. I can't say he's really been fond of the boy from the very beginning.

I feel so sorry for my sister because she has been through a lot. It must not be easy raising a child with autism. I hope she continues to seek professional guidance for her son.

https://www.autismspeaks.org/

 

[Greylock Crescent]

^ My thoughts go out to you and your family.

Sadly, this is not an uncommon dynamic when an autistic child's behavior (physical and social) is like this. There can be very little reasoning some autistic children, and it can also be very difficult to figure out all of the potential triggers. That lack of predictability can make things all the more challenging. The stress this can put on relationships is very real and, potentially, quite damaging.

Because routines are often very important to an autistic child, it can be especially difficult when the parents are going through life changes, such as a divorce. You're right - what is needed is a lot of patience and understanding, as long as the establishment of routines and support systems to hopefully help manage at least some of the behaviors.

I can understand your father's frustration - because the behavior can sometimes seem incomprehensible. I hope that, along with the professional services Nate receives (what is his school's plan for his post-secondary life?), I also hope your father can learn to understand what autism is, what some of the characteristics are (difficulties in social settings and patterns of behavior). Maybe with that knowledge and understanding, he can regain some patience.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Thanks, Ancient Mariner. I would hate to see this incident put a strain on my family. Maybe my dad was having a bad day and he just snapped. Maybe my sister needs to pay more attention to her son's actions and habits. I do hope that with constant therapy and medical treatment, Nate can have a semblance of a normal life.

 

[Greylock Crescent]

Are you in the US? If so, there's a part of the IDEA (Individuals With Disabilities Education Act) which states that schools must explicitly state, in the child's IEP, a plan for the child's post-secondary life, be it college, trade, or assisted living (it's called "Transition Goals" or a "Transition Plan"). Since the school has professionals (teachers, counselors, psychologists) it would be worth finding out what the school's plan is, and what assistance it is currently providing for the child. If I remember correctly, there are ways for those services to be transferred to the ADA, provided the individual's disabilities warrant such services (which seems like a possibility from your description).

There are services out there that can be mandated by law (here in the US, at least). But the hard part is knowing what's available, and how to go about receiving those services. If your sister has something like a parent advocate group in her area, she might look into contacting them for further assistance - or, at the very least, for some moral support.

 

[Sector 7]

Even the best of us can lose our patience. Because of my combat background, it was very difficult working with the youth group at church. The boys, especially, love to come up from behind and surprise, or grab, you! Once, I reacted in "combat mode" and jacked a boy up against the wall. It took much prayer and patience, from all of us, to help me through that.

As for autism, I do have personal experience. I had a friend that no one would talk to online. Those who did grew tired of him very quickly. Since I felt sorry for him, we began to talk. Over the years, I learned he was autistic, suicidal, etc. "Kyler" couldn't figure out how to "fit in", so he wanted to follow his mom [committed suicide] to heaven... where God would understand him.

I had many sleepless nights keeping "Kyler" on the phone, preventing him from suicide. He called me "an angel from heaven" whom God sent to him. I never could get him off that fixation... I even had to field questions about Heaven and where I came from. [Later, I learned this fixation was a part of functional autism. This is why I recognize it from a few posters here.]

Sadly, when "Kyler" turned 18, his dad put him out on his own. Since he had no phone or internet, we lost contact. Hopefully, he is still alive and well... although, I cannot be sure.

My only advice is patience from Nate's "Grandad" and teaching proper behavior from his "Mom". Depending on his level of autism, he should be able to be taught that "hitting is wrong". Much love to you and your family... especially, to Nate.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Yes, my family lives in the San Francisco bay area. I'm not really familiar with the programs offered to special kids, but I'm sure my sister knows, and she also looks at different resources. I have a very good friend at work, Tricia, whose youngest son also has autism. She has often mentioned weekly parental meetings and support groups, special programs, and the Regional Center, which helps families of autistic children defray the costs of such programs (like summer camps, etc.).

Sector7, how long has it been since your last communication with Kyler? Maybe there's a way to track him down and check up on him. I'm sure he was very thankful for all your moral support.