Asperger's Syndrome - Personal Experiences

[Mr Silver]

I'm also curious about how adults with Asperger's Syndrome go about finding partners. From what I've researched, it seems that the majority of people with AS struggle with interpersonal relationships. Some will naturally find it easier, but is it any different for those with AS?

Does a person with AS find a partner the same ways a neurotypical person does, or are there methods out there designed to help people with AS learn to have relationships?

 

[Gojira]

I'm also curious about how adults with Asperger's Syndrome go about finding partners. From what I've researched, it seems that the majority of people with AS struggle with interpersonal relationships. Some will naturally find it easier, but is it any different for those with AS?

Does a person with AS find a partner the same ways a neurotypical person does, or are there methods out there designed to help people with AS learn to have relationships?

From what I have read there is often an age discrepancy between Aspies and neurotypicals. Those in a relationship with Aspies are going to do some care taking. I am 47 and my wife is 29.

She has a few friends on line that have Asperger's and they all struggle to find relationships.

My struggle is to find appropriate ways for others to meet needs my wife cannot.

 

[Mr Silver]

From what I have read there is often an age discrepancy between Aspies and neurotypicals. Those in a relationship with Aspies are going to do some care taking. I am 47 and my wife is 29.

She has a few friends on line that have Asperger's and they all struggle to find relationships.

My struggle is to find appropriate ways for others to meet needs my wife cannot.

Those are some interesting points. I'm not aware of anyone in my social setting who is "out" Asperger's (or so to speak) so I cannot possibly comment on the age discrepancy.

When you talk about trying to find others to meet needs your wife cannot, are you talking about social needs or being around people closer to your age?

 

[donners22]

Yeah, I was diagnosed with it by two doctors while in my early 20s (having seen them for completely unrelated conditions).


I was something of an outcast as a child. I was quite intelligent, with a large vocab even when very young, and exceptional with numbers. I constructed all sorts of elaborate games which I played by myself, writing detailed rules and keeping statistics for everything (some of which I still have today). I also had a habit of constructing elaborate and outrageous fantasies about myself.

Most of my time was spent with adults than children; I realise now that was because adults can carry a conversation, often by asking direct questions, which was the main way I could communicate apart from one-sided ramblings about my interests or fantasies.

As I got older, I became obsessed with numbers. To this day, I spent several hours a week on statistics. I was completely unable to relate to my peers, and my only conversations came with either adults or in writing online.

I really struggle with eye contact. When I was younger, I didn't do enough. Until recently, I did it far too much until a couple of people told me it was really disconcerting. I'm still really conscious of it today.

My interests are quite eclectic and often very specific portions of a subject - for instance, I have no interest in medicine overall, but am fascinated by certain viruses and bacteria. I barely watch football, but love the stats.

I also talk to myself a lot, and, as a 27-year-old solicitor, have been known to play with balloons and jump to touch the ceiling in my office. At parties, I stand in a corner by myself and feel awful.

I have a dreadful habit of confessing really personal things to people I barely know; indeed, going out of my way to bring it up in conversation. My illness (bulimia), relationship problems, etc - all divulged to work colleagues who are virtual strangers. Maybe I like the attention, or just having something to say. I don't know.

I really have a lack of empathy, which is strangely beneficial in my job, working in sex offence law. However, it has been a disaster for my (very few) relationships.



I've seen quite a few Aspies in the Court system as offenders, and I'm always struck by their circumstances. They seem to invariably have partners in a "caring" profession (particularly nurses) - I wonder if they seek out people with a lot of empathy to compensate for what they lack. My two relationships have been with a manic depressive emo and a bi-polar self-harmer, so I suppose I've gone the same way.

The thing that really hits me is how they seem to be viewed in such a patronising fashion by their supposed loved ones, and how their children resent their coldness. I dread being that one day.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

Donners--I was wondering, what are some examples of the behavior you have observed (the patronizing and the resentfulness)? Names aren't necessary, of course...just wondering about the general situations that have happened.

 

[donners22]

I vividly recall one young woman saying that she knew her father loved her, but felt that he didn't really like her. She said that she effectively grew up without a father, because even though he was there, and tried to go through the motions of being there for her, she always felt that he was too emotionally distant and could never really share her feelings - highs or lows.

The wife of that man also went on about how she would let him do things around the house, even though he would invariably get them wrong and break things, just to make him feel useful. Something along the lines of, "We'd give him tasks to do, then follow after him and fix them". She spoke about him with a sigh, a rueful laugh and comments like, "Oh, it's just how he is" - something I've found common among partners of people with Asperger's.

I had a girlfriend say that there was no point being in a relationship with me when I could never truly understand how she felt, never feel hurt when she was hurt, etc.



I'm sure it's not intended to be hurtful, but I find it sickening. No doubt these are not reflective of every circumstance; there are surely many people at varying stages of the autism scale who have accepting, devoted loved ones who do not exhibit the sort of behaviour I have observed, and would be just as taken aback by it as I was. Then again, there are plenty, like myself, who are resigned to being alone and do not even have a loved one, patronising or not.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

I wonder if there are family therapists who can educate both "sides" in a relationship like that on how to perceive others' emotions? That's a known trait in ASD's, but could it also be that "neurotypical" people are also not properly educated on how to perceive the emotions of those with ASD's? That's the impression I get, reading that.

I don't think it is intended to be hurtful--however, I wonder if the "neurotypicals" in these cases conflate different or less obvious display of outward emotion to the lack of normal emotional feelings and needs.

 

[Myasishchev]

What I know about Asperger's Syndrome is that the vast majority of "self-diagnosed" Aspies are just socially untalented assholes who want an excuse to remain assholes.

I've never met a person who had been legitimately diagnosed with Asperger's by a licensed physician.

I can see how it may be nice to have a label on a perceived deficiency, though. And given that we're all beautiful cognitive snowflakes, and Asperger's is nothing but a construct itself, it's not hard to imagine socially untalented assholes having some kind of unrecognized "disorder," or rather cognitive difference.

A lot of times it may be as simple as being treated like shit because they're not smart, or funny, or pretty, or even because they don't find particular social conventions valid.

I've never fully understood this line people arbitrarily draw where someone shifts from being fully accountable for things society doesn't approve of, to being biologically determined and therefore worthy of pity and extra effort. Like, that girl? Se's mentally retarded. But this girl? She's just stupid. That guy? He has dwarfism. That guy? He's just short. That guy has Asperger's, this guy's just a dork.

So I certainly see the appeal of trying to find a label society will accept, because it often seems that's the only way people seem to want to meet you half way. I think it's unwelcome to hijack someone else's identity to do it, but no one wants to start a Dorks Forum.

Well.

 

[donners22]

Oh, I agree to an extent. Labels are a terrible thing, because the labelled tend to hide behind them, while others tend to perceive them through their label.

I think it would be far better to recognise a person as an individual - positives and negatives - rather than define them by the category to which they are assigned based on certain patterns of behaviour.

The label is really only of relevance when discussing difficulties that people with certain attributes and patterns of behaviour have to overcome, and ways in which the situation can be eased - not just making people meet you half-way, but also finding ways to adapt. It's not all one-way, or at least it shouldn't be.


Incidentally, social norms are at least as much a construction as Asperger's, and not necessarily any more valid.

 

[Myasishchev]

I do find it curious that you would refer to Asperger's as a construct then refer to "socially untalented assholes" - social norms are just as much of a construct, and I don't see how a person who doesn't conform is necessarily deserving of a slur.

I was just using Chaos Descending's phrasing, my friend.

Edit: which I suppose you've noticed.

I agree wholeheartedly on the social conventions thing. My favorite example is the women shaving their legs. That's de rigeur. Yet, by any objective measure, it's pointless and stupid.

 

[donners22]

I do find it curious that you would refer to Asperger's as a construct then refer to "socially untalented assholes" - social norms are just as much of a construct, and I don't see how a person who doesn't conform is necessarily deserving of a slur.

I was just using Chaos Descending's phrasing, my friend.

Edit: which I suppose you've noticed.

Haha, sorry. I tend to go through half a dozen edits until I'm happy with my posts, and generally the time difference ensures that I don't get quoted in the meantime.

You were too quick for me!

 

[Myasishchev]

It's a Flash Fact.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

The label is really only of relevance when discussing difficulties that people with certain attributes and patterns of behaviour have to overcome, and ways in which the situation can be eased - not just making people meet you half-way, but also finding ways to adapt. It's not all one-way, or at least it shouldn't be.


Incidentally, social norms are at least as much a construction as Asperger's, and not necessarily any more valid.

And there you see why I suggested both parties should have to be in a counseling and learning process if there are problems in the relationship, not just the one with the diagnosis.

 

[donners22]

And there you see why I suggested both parties should have to be in a counseling and learning process if there are problems in the relationship, not just the one with the diagnosis.

I agree with you. I was responding to the post directly above me.

You are right; that does sound sensible. There is certainly counselling and support available for those who are family of a person with an addiction such as gambling or drugs, eating disorders, etc.

That could also have an indirect benefit in the workplace and society generally too - having that support and guidance can help a person better adapt to norms through greater knowledge and confidence, rather than feeling isolated even at home.

 

[TedShatner10]

I've spoken of this before: I've got Asperger's Syndrome and have been formally diagnosed only four years ago. I'll come back to this thread later.

 

[1001001]

Yeah, I was diagnosed with it by two doctors while in my early 20s (having seen them for completely unrelated conditions).


I was something of an outcast as a child. I was quite intelligent, with a large vocab even when very young, and exceptional with numbers. I constructed all sorts of elaborate games which I played by myself, writing detailed rules and keeping statistics for everything (some of which I still have today). I also had a habit of constructing elaborate and outrageous fantasies about myself.

Most of my time was spent with adults than children; I realise now that was because adults can carry a conversation, often by asking direct questions, which was the main way I could communicate apart from one-sided ramblings about my interests or fantasies.

As I got older, I became obsessed with numbers. To this day, I spent several hours a week on statistics. I was completely unable to relate to my peers, and my only conversations came with either adults or in writing online.

I really struggle with eye contact. When I was younger, I didn't do enough. Until recently, I did it far too much until a couple of people told me it was really disconcerting. I'm still really conscious of it today.

My interests are quite eclectic and often very specific portions of a subject - for instance, I have no interest in medicine overall, but am fascinated by certain viruses and bacteria. I barely watch football, but love the stats.

I also talk to myself a lot, and, as a 27-year-old solicitor, have been known to play with balloons and jump to touch the ceiling in my office. At parties, I stand in a corner by myself and feel awful.

I have a dreadful habit of confessing really personal things to people I barely know; indeed, going out of my way to bring it up in conversation. My illness (bulimia), relationship problems, etc - all divulged to work colleagues who are virtual strangers. Maybe I like the attention, or just having something to say. I don't know.

I swear this could have been written by my son. My experience with him is almost identical.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Kail]

My son has it. As 1001001 stated about his boy, my son is the sweetest, most loving boy you could ask for. While he seems to have outgrown some of the major issues, he obsesses on things that are never going to happen, and everything seems to make him think about death and going to heaven. I had to take a detour once because our usual off ramp was closed, and got slightly lost, but we got home fine. MONTHS later he was still upset about it wondering WHAT IF we ran out of gas and we had to walk through the woods and got lost and went to heaven. He gets worked up and cries at the slightest provocation. I try to explain to him no one dies from getting lost, we have cel phones and GPS, but to no avail. He'll be lying in bed at night and I'll hear him crying and I'll ask whats wrong and he says I'm really old and I'm going to go to heaven and what will happen to him? He's a good boy, and VERY smart, but he's always thinking negative thoughts and MAKING himself upset. A rainstorm will make him think about death, a storybook, just about anything. All roads lead to heaven to him. I just can't get his mind off of it.

 

[1001001]

My son has it. As 1001001 stated about his boy, my son is the sweetest, most loving boy you could ask for. While he seems to have outgrown some of the major issues, he obsesses on things that are never going to happen, and everything seems to make him think about death and going to heaven. I had to take a detour once because our usual off ramp was closed, and got slightly lost, but we got home fine. MONTHS later he was still upset about it wondering WHAT IF we ran out of gas and we had to walk through the woods and got lost and went to heaven. He gets worked up and cries at the slightest provocation. I try to explain to him no one dies from getting lost, we have cel phones and GPS, but to no avail. He'll be lying in bed at night and I'll hear him crying and I'll ask whats wrong and he says I'm really old and I'm going to go to heaven and what will happen to him? He's a good boy, and VERY smart, but he's always thinking negative thoughts and MAKING himself upset. A rainstorm will make him think about death, a storybook, just about anything. All roads lead to heaven to him. I just can't get his mind off of it.

Our son is just like that. He worries so much, especially about death. I mean...he's 8 years old!

It breaks my heart. He has so much trouble relaxing and going with the flow. We work with him on his negative thoughts, and he usually counters with "yeah, but what if...???"

 

[Myasishchev]

Doesn't everybody worry about death? Like, I think about my death about every day. I thought everyone did.

 

[Kail]

Yes, we all think about death, but at 7 or 8 years old it should not be a main focus. Thankfully he does not have any problems with his peers, he has friends and gets along well, but I fear he's got a rough road ahead of him. He's VERY sensitive, and cries at the least provocation, just look at him sideways.