Archer and T'Pol Should Get Married in Star Trek XI!

[Samuel T. Cogley]

I know what you're thinking. Star Trek XI is supposed to be a TOS movie, but hear me out...

Why not spend the first thirty minutes or so on the wedding of Captain Archer and T'Pol? "Enterprise" fans are owed this because that show got canceled early.

And a wedding scene worked fantastically in "Nemesis."

Let's do it again in Trek XI.

Here's how I see it. The movie should open with Captain Archer and T'Pol's wedding.

Wesley Crusher should be there. Why? Because he got fucked when his wedding scenes got cut from "Nemesis." He should be allowed to make up for that here.

And Kes should be there. She got fucked over on "Voyager," so Trek XI should be her chance to make things right. (This should only happen if she's willing to lose a few pounds, the cow.)

Basically, any character that has ever been fucked over in Star Trek's history should get to be at this wedding. (Especially if their names rhyme, like "Wes" and "Kes.")

So we'll finally get to see Archer and T'Pol marry, which is so appropriate because they are soul mates and true loves, not like that meaningless fling T'Pol had with that dead guy, Trip.

A lot of TOS fans have been upset about the recent announcement that the budget for Trek XI might be as high as 150 million. They say that 100 million is high enough. So here's my thought: Why not spend 100 million on their part of the movie, the TOS part? And then the remaining 50 million can be spent on the Archer/T'Pol wedding.

After the wedding comes to an end, we could cut to a scene where Archer and T'Pol are rubbing decon gel on themselves for the honeymoon. Then, just when we are about to see some good nudity, a little heart vignette could appear on the screen. The heart would then shrink down until it covered up the entire screen.

Then a little Phlox could poke out from the little opening of the heart (kind of like Porky Pig on those old Warner Brother cartoons) and he could shake his finger at us. He would basically make us feel like perverts for hoping to see T'Pol's giant fake boobies and/or Archer's chiseled ass.

Then a khyron would appear on the screen that said "100 Years Later" and it would go on with the TOS part of the movie.

I think this is fair. Why should TOS get to hog the whole movie?

I'm just feeling very romantic right now, and I think this would be the perfect Valentine to the fans. We fans need Valentines, because we are dorks and we never get any Valentines from real girls.

 

[Brutal Strudel]

Oh, fuck you!



And I mean that with sincere love and admiration. BTW, does Wes bring along his luvah, the Traveller? I could just see them, holding hands as they wish the bride and groom the best.

 

[Samuel T. Cogley]

It's amazing what a little too much wine on a Saturday night will do to a guy.

 

[Brutal Strudel]

You just keep on drinkin', then.

 

[number6]

Billy Barty should perform the wedding. Who will play Billy Barty seeing as you all tell me he's "dead" and all.

 

[Samuel T. Cogley]

I think it's pretty obvious the wedding should be officiated by Chef.

 

[MrPointy]

Can Nero's Romulan warbird bombard the wedding site with disruptor fire?

 

[Outpost4]

Sam, you missed the obvious transition. It wouldn't be a graphic that makes the jump to JJ Abrams' movie. Instead, among the many has-been guests at the wedding, like Tasha Yar and Admiral Forrest, would be a head of hair. The camera would zoom in on the giant blonde wig, swing around to the front and then pull back to reveal:

Janice Rand

POW! We're into the new Star Trek.

 

[ChristopherPike]

Like all good humour, there's an element of truth here. It's just buried under a mound of horseshit.

 

[The Wormhole]

You should have Trip watching the wedding from some secluded location in the distance. Because, you know, Trip is Not.Dead.

 

[Falcor5]

Maybe Data's head could attend the wedding to since it was buried on earth in Times Arrow! He could even sing "Blue Skies" for the happy couple! A Great way to get a TNG character to cameo. :thumbsup:

 

[Brutal Strudel]

ChristopherPike said:
Like all good humour, there's an element of truth here. It's just buried under a mound of horseshit.

Now now. ENT was sub-par Star Trek but it's a little harsh to call it "horseshit," don't you think?

 

[Kegek]

The film should begin with a really cool dematerialising effect. It's Ex-President Archer, decomposing in a transporter beam due to a horrible, horrible accident. Then we close on the eyes of a young intern: Leonard McCoy!

That way, his fear of transporters isn't just part of his sensible, down-to-earth old fashioned mentality, it's a secret trauma that connects ENT to TOS!

Plus, Archer dies. Horribly. That's a plus, honest.

Throw in a scene where Kirk is feeling bored at the marriage of a Starfleet capatain played by Bruce Boxleitner and a Vulcan played by Mira Furlan who are both hacked to death by a crazed Cardassian weirdo played by Ira Behr and the movie is well on its way to being a camp classic!

 

[indranee]

so, if everyone who was shafted should participate, then Trip should be giving T'Pol away, no?

keep drinking, Sam

 

[seigezunt]

who?

 

[Samuel T. Cogley]

indranee said:
so, if everyone who was shafted should participate, then Trip should be giving T'Pol away, no?

No, because he's DEAD!

Don't worry, I've worked out a tender moment to pay remembrance to Trip. Grab your hankies, ladies and girlymen.

----------

SCENE: PLANET VULCAN, NEAR THE TOP OF MOUNT SELEYA.

Wedding guests line the many steps as they watch ARCHER and T'POL march up the steps to the wedding/sacrificial altar (it's multi-purpose, okay?) at the top of the mountain.

Just as ARCHER and T'POL reach the top of the stairs, T'POL trips slightly on the last step and then recovers gracefully.

Both ARCHER and T'POL stop. They look into each other's eyes. An infinitesimally small tear rolls down T'POL's angular Vulcan cheek.

ARCHER reaches up and gently brushes away the tear, in a way that does not give her emotional state away to the crowd, most especially the Vulcans in attendance.

ARCHER stares deep into her eyes and says, "I know... I miss him, too."

 

[indranee]

girlymen!

 

[Temis the Vorta]

Impossible. Archer is gay. Weren't you paying attention to ENT? Do you really want him to continue to live a LIE???

Clearly he should get married to his one true love: Shran.

 

[Brutal Strudel]

Samuel T. Cogley said:

indranee said:
so, if everyone who was shafted should participate, then Trip should be giving T'Pol away, no?

No, because he's DEAD!

Don't worry, I've worked out a tender moment to pay remembrance to Trip. Grab your hankies, ladies and girlymen.

----------

SCENE: PLANET VULCAN, NEAR THE TOP OF MOUNT SELEYA.

Wedding guests line the many steps as they watch ARCHER and T'POL march up the steps to the wedding/sacrificial altar (it's multi-purpose, okay?) at the top of the mountain.

Just as ARCHER and T'POL reach the top of the stairs, T'POL trips slightly on the last step and then recovers gracefully.

Both ARCHER and T'POL stop. They look into each other's eyes. An infinitesimally small tear rolls down T'POL's angular Vulcan cheek.

ARCHER reaches up and gently brushes away the tear, in a way that does not give her emotional state away to the crowd, most especially the Vulcans in attendance.

ARCHER stares deep into her eyes and says, "I know... I miss him, too."

How about this: After Archer disrobes for some sweet wedding night loving, he grabs his penis (whom he lovingly calls Little Suzie) and proceeds to tuck 'er between his thighs. "Hey, T'Pol, look!" he calls out gleefully, "I'm the guy from Monk!"

T'Pol bursts into tears.

Kinda gets you right here, no? No? Heartless pricks...

 

[ITL]

Temis the Vorta said:
Impossible. Archer is gay. Weren't you paying attention to ENT? Do you really want him to continue to live a LIE???

Clearly he should get married to his one true love: Shran.

Scene One: Hot Blue Lovin' (With extra SHOUTING).
Scene Two: Vulcan jealousy (With extra poutyness).