Anyone take in a relative? Any big changes?

[propita]

Hubby and I are going to LA this weekend to pick up my 20 year old nephew, who’s going to stay with us for ... well, a while.

He’s a good kid and will be finishing at City College here and has applied to Fresno State for his final two years of college. A music major! Unusual in my family, which tends towards technical and teaching. But he’s composed pieces that his college orchestra has played at concerts, and two more of his pieces will be played by them this spring. So I’m assuming he’s got some talent. My sister’s household is ... tense. It’s all very tense and loud, and this boy just wants to be left alone to compose music. My Mom considers our having him with us to be “rescuing” him from that, and the boy is a lot like me in personality.

It’s going to be different for Hubby and me--it’s been just us (with the occasional visitor) for over 20 years. Having someone else here will take a bit of adjustment. And for him, too. We’ve talked and he agreed that, at some point in the near future (within a year), he might speak to a professional regarding the, well, the emotional and verbal onslaught that he’s endured his whole life.

Anyone have any advice regarding common situations that you didn’t foresee when you took in a relative, not necessarily related to his unique emotional situation?

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Be prepared to deal with someone who is physically 20 but mentally still a kid. I hope you're ready to do some parenting.

 

[propita]

Yeah, we’re expecting that. We want to help him get his footing in the world a bit by letting him have some stability to work from. For all the strife, he’s been kinda protected. And common sense (as in street smarts) is not a strong trait in my family; fortunately, Hubby has it in spades.

The Boy thinks the world of me and Hubby--I think he’s not seeing us realistically. He’ll learn. And we’ll learn.

 

[Crusher Disciple]

Be prepared to deal with someone who is physically 20 but mentally still a kid. I hope you're ready to do some parenting.

Agreed. Doesn't sound like he's gotten much in the past.

 

[An Officer]

That's very good of you. Well done for "rescuing" him.

I have stayed with relatives in the past as a youth. I would say, if you have any difficult rules he is to live by, start as you mean to go on. If you don't tell him clearly what you expect at the start, it may be difficult to enforce rules later down the line. I'm talking about stuff like chores, general tidiness, night time activities, guests, all that stuff which seems small now, but can cause problems over time.

I would say, along with the rules, organise some regular bonding activities and day trips, so he feels a welcome member of your household, and to ensure there is also some fun to counterbalance the not so fun stuff. These types of activities may well ease any underlying difficulties and resentments which may arise, and will help inspire affection and regard.

Since you are already thinking hard about his needs, I am sure you are good people, and he will do very well with you. It could be a very pleasurable experience to have a young person in your home.

 

[KimMH]

Kudos to you and your hubs and best of luck to you all!

(*misses having her 20-something about the house*)

 

[Kestra]

Be careful about the whole "rescuing" mentality.

 

[Mutai Sho-Rin]

Other than "taking in" out own kids a couple days after their birth, no relatives. We've had several people rent a room from us over the years, some in their late teens or early twenties. Established some very straight forward rules at the beginning and truly never had any problems. You may have to take yourselves off the pedestal upon which this kid has perched you. A good celebratory fart at an appropriate moment may just do the trick. ;-)

 

[SmoothieX]

A guy (50, 2 teenage kids) from industry was collaborated with my wife's lab for a while. They worked a lot of hours together and got to be friendly. He took us out on the company dime to dinner a few times, and invited my along so there was no hint of anything inappropriate going on.

He got canned at his job, and her lab manager offered him a spot for 3 months to finish up their work and look for something in the meantime.

So he came to stay with us Sun night - Fri mornings during that time. We cooked and gto groceries over that span, and he split the grocery bill evenly in thirds for his share of things.

Other than that, he crashed on the futon and spent most of his spare time job hunting. It went as well as expected, we're all big kids here, but by the time 3 months was up, we were both glad to go our separate ways. It was kidna straining not to be able to relax in your own home.

 

[propita]

Well, we got home last Sunday, in two cars through the pouring rain. The Boy will be going back to LA (by train/bus) for his day-before-New Year’s-Eve trip to Delaware to visit his GF, and then return to Fresno (by train/bus).

Things are okay so far. A few ground rules set, with the caveat that more will arise as situations arise. He was lacking in a few clothes (including a suit for the orchestra at the colleges he’ll attend), so yesterday was a trip to the mall while everything was on sale. The Boy is pretty well set now, clothes-wise. He had nothing but jeans; so now he’s got his old jeans and t-shirts, plus a new suit and 2 dockers-ish pants, some non-t-shirt shirts, and a couple of white dress shirts. Adds up, but the sales were great, sometimes really great. Seriously, Izod shirts for less than $10?

He’s a lot more relaxed already, but maybe because he’s not in class yet and it’s too rainy to have outside chores--so there’s nothing to do but either go out or sit around and play video games. He’s been told his grades must be kept high (As & Bs) and he just might have a first student to teach trumpet-playing to already lined up for the new year.
Doesn’t know squat about taking care of clothes, so he’s being taught that now.

Thanks for all the advice. Oh, the Sho-Rin, I hope a good belch is equivalent. If it is, that’s checked off the list, too.

 

[Mary Ann]

It sounds as if you've started off well by setting the ground rules and stating that more will be added as and when needed. As was mentioned above he may be emotionally immature thanks to his upbringing, so consistency will be important so he'll know where he stands and is comfortable with you. You and your husband are stars for opening up your home and your lives for this young man. Well done.

 

[propita]

Yeah, he’s emotionally immature. Hubby’s amazed The Boy (TB) has a girlfriend, but maybe it’s working since she’s in Delaware and he’s in California.

He gets sullen when asked to do even the simplest of things, but that’s going to have to change. He’s 20yo, too old to act like a spoiled teenager. Time to learn to be an adult. It’ll take time, but time to learn.