A Little Understanding, Please

[sbk1234]

My son is a really sweet boy, but of course, nobody is perfect. When he talks to you, he'll usually look anywhere but at your face. Sometimes if he's greeted and doesn't feel like talking, he'll be very curt, and say things that are considered rude. He's offended people. It can be embarrassing for us.

He has also been diagnosed with autistic spectrum. He's considered extremely high-functioning. He does well in school, does not need special ed assistance (other than a little counseling, and an IEP to help deal with some of his issues)
He does have a hard time making friends, but he does have a few. They, also seem to have similar issues. As part of this condition, he often misses what most would consider obvious social cues.
I've gotten lots of angry, disapproving looks from people we encounter in public. We will continue to get more.
He's not trying to be rude. He doesn't enjoy hurting people's feelings. He just can't help it.
So, please, if my son's (or anyone else's) autism proves inconvenient to you, understand. It's nothing personal. We're all doing the best we can. Be grateful that your own children don't have these "invisible" disabilities, and cut us some slack.

 

[Aurian]

Must be difficult for you. Just let it go and keep doing your best. Work on how you can adress people who show offence at what your boy has said.
He really cant help it you know, and as he grows up he will eventually - hopefully - learn how to deal. Maybe you should look into techniques such as social stories, when he is ready.

 

[Kemaiku]

I've never been able to look people in the eyes, and tend to be quite awkward around people in public, it gets people very annoyed but I can't help it.

 

[RoJoHen]

In all fairness, I dislike most little kids I see in public.

 

[thestrangequark]

My younger sister has Asperger's, and for much of her childhood behaved similarly to how you describe your son's behavior. She struggled, especially in school, because people thought she was rude or cold, when in reality it was just her misunderstanding of social situations and ineptitude at interpersonal skills. Times were especially tough during her teenage years. However, if you met her to day you'd never be able to tell that she is on the Autism spectrum. These kinds of skills may not come naturally to the Autistic as they do to most of the rest of us, but they can be learned. Your son may not be able to help it now, but with a lot of motivation, effort, and support he can probably learn a lot.
My sister has told me that she doesn't feel there is anything wrong with her -- Asperger's is just a part of who she is. She didn't change her behaviors to hide the fact that she has it, but to improve her own quality of life.

 

[Itisnotlogical]

For all intents and purposes, it seems like your child's diagnosis is completely based on the doctor's observation of how he behaves. Now I'm very skeptical of some kid's being "highly functional, but autistic" instead of just "normal kids who have some problems". I apologize if I'm offending you at all, I know there are kids who have severe problems with autism, ADHD and such, but has your doctor presented tangible proof (like a CAT scan or something similar) that your child is actually autistic? For all intents and purposes, he seems on the outset to be a normal child who is slightly rude at times.

Once again, I apologize if I have offended you, but I have always been a skeptic when it comes to mostly normal kids being diagnosed with mental disabilities.

 

[sbk1234]

I'm not offended, but we have gone through many a test. My wife and I have gotten educated on the subject, and we believe the diagnosis is correct. Of course, it is just a label, because he is who he is. As stressful as it can be, I'm not really complaining. I know we're pretty darn lucky to have the kids we do.
I really just want people to be aware before they get too judgemental.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

sbk: there are quite a few posters here who have at least one child in the autism spectrum. I'm hoping some will come into this thread to tell you about their experiences. I have believed for some time now that my son who is 26 has Aspbergers to some degree. He had all sorts of "symptoms" but was never diagnosed because quite frankly we never really thought about it and just thought his behavior was 'just him'. But something happened a few years ago that kind of made me really think about it in retrospect and i do think he is in there. Anyway, he has learned how to deal with things he couldn't in the past (facial cues for one)...and lives a pretty awesome life right now.

In the meantime, i wish i could tell you how to deal with people, but i can't. But, you're doing whats right for boy, and that's what's important. If people have a problem ...well....that's their problem.

{{{squish}}}

 

[Lookingglassman]

I knew a woman once whose son was autistic and he was real nice, but would talk non-stop about Yu-Ghi-Oh. That is all this kid cared about and once we went out to dinner and I had to listen to him the whole time talk about the different characters of that game. All he eats is french fries so I ordered him a double portion hoping it would quiet him down, but no such luck, he powered through them and kept talking.

He was a real sweet kid though.

 

[Captain_Nick]

My son is a really sweet boy, but of course, nobody is perfect. When he talks to you, he'll usually look anywhere but at your face. Sometimes if he's greeted and doesn't feel like talking, he'll be very curt, and say things that are considered rude. He's offended people. It can be embarrassing for us.

He has also been diagnosed with autistic spectrum. He's considered extremely high-functioning. He does well in school, does not need special ed assistance (other than a little counseling, and an IEP to help deal with some of his issues)
He does have a hard time making friends, but he does have a few. They, also seem to have similar issues. As part of this condition, he often misses what most would consider obvious social cues.
I've gotten lots of angry, disapproving looks from people we encounter in public. We will continue to get more.
He's not trying to be rude. He doesn't enjoy hurting people's feelings. He just can't help it.
So, please, if my son's (or anyone else's) autism proves inconvenient to you, understand. It's nothing personal. We're all doing the best we can. Be grateful that your own children don't have these "invisible" disabilities, and cut us some slack.

Um, you are posting this on a forum filled with lots of 'high functioning autism' types why?

Rather than throwing your hands in despair and blaming other people for their judgements, maybe you should look at helping your boy develop some useful strategies or techniques for dealing with ordinary people. Surely he appreciates the need to learn to interact with others ... social skills are teachable just like others

 

[Captain_Nick]

On a totally unrelated note - my god! I have had to deal with 'ordinary people' myself over the course of the last three days. I do not understand how they can allow themselves to live the way they do. A tow truck driver, a group of random motorists, my neighbour, all of them seemingly interested in nothing other than taking drugs, drinking beer, and acting like king shits. Not only did they know nothing about anything worth knowing, they seemed almost proud of the fact that they are good for nothing mediocrities. More and more it seems the country I love is inhabited by people that I use as a model of behavours to avoid.

I think it is fair to say that ninety percent of people out there are no better than clothed apes who have learned to walk on their hind legs and grunt a few guttoral phrases.

But these are the people I have to interact with when my car breaks down.

Life can be so hard sometimes.

 

[sbk1234]

My son is a really sweet boy, but of course, nobody is perfect. When he talks to you, he'll usually look anywhere but at your face. Sometimes if he's greeted and doesn't feel like talking, he'll be very curt, and say things that are considered rude. He's offended people. It can be embarrassing for us.

He has also been diagnosed with autistic spectrum. He's considered extremely high-functioning. He does well in school, does not need special ed assistance (other than a little counseling, and an IEP to help deal with some of his issues)
He does have a hard time making friends, but he does have a few. They, also seem to have similar issues. As part of this condition, he often misses what most would consider obvious social cues.
I've gotten lots of angry, disapproving looks from people we encounter in public. We will continue to get more.
He's not trying to be rude. He doesn't enjoy hurting people's feelings. He just can't help it.
So, please, if my son's (or anyone else's) autism proves inconvenient to you, understand. It's nothing personal. We're all doing the best we can. Be grateful that your own children don't have these "invisible" disabilities, and cut us some slack.

Um, you are posting this on a forum filled with lots of 'high functioning autism' types why?

Rather than throwing your hands in despair and blaming other people for their judgements, maybe you should look at helping your boy develop some useful strategies or techniques for dealing with ordinary people. Surely he appreciates the need to learn to interact with others ... social skills are teachable just like others

I don't recall saying anything about not trying to teach my boy how to interract with others Nor do I feel I am "throwing my hands in despair." I am feeling the frustration of seeing my son having a hard time with dealing with people and perhaps just needed to vent a little, and make the general statement that people should try to be a little understanding.
As for a lot of "high functioning autism" types on these threads, I honestly don't know how many people on the boards have what types of issues. Although if there are others who have dealt with this same situation, I would hope they would be able to share some of their experience so I can learn from it, or just get some emotional support.
Fortunately, most people on the boards do seem to fit into this category.

 

[Sector 7]

I understand how you must feel. I have a young friend who has autism, as well as ADHD and bi-polar. We talk often about his struggles to survive in a world which does not understand him. He tries to interact with others online-- usually with disastrous results and hurt feelings.

I have lost many nights sleep trying to keep him from suicide. He was convinced he would die before he turned 18, and often tried to help the process. He has told me several times that he 'knows' I am an angel sent from God to help him understand this world. Nothing I say convinces him otherwise. It is only because I seem to be able to understand him... evidently the only one who does. I see through his mistakes and mis-communication to the wonderful person I know he is. The good news is that he has survived to the ripe old age of 18, (as of September 2010). My prayer is that he has many more birthdays to come.

I think what the OP is sharing is that he longs for his son to be accepted for who he is, or at the very least, for people to overlook his lack of finesse in social situations. Isn't this what we all wish for our children?

sbk1234, if ever you wish to talk-- or vent-- feel free to message me.

 

[An Officer]

What ignorant insensitive strangers think is not important. I wouldn't waste a minute's mental space on it. I would redirect that energy to teaching your child about facial expressions with image cards, and having role-playing conversations with him in which you teach him about taking turns speaking, and asking others about their own interests and listening to the answer. It is simply a technique, nothing more, and the earlier you break it down for him, the better for your child.

I hope you are getting some support, sounds like you need it. Did you manage to enroll him in an autism spectrum school? I have a 10 year old cousin who is aspergers, and he was continually getting into trouble at school with teachers, students, and parents alike, because they really had no idea how to deal with aspergers, and he was labelled naughty and dumb. He is now enrolled in an autism spectrum state funded school and is the happiest he's ever been, he gets one to one attention when necessary and no longer gets in trouble! He is so delighted with his new school, he asks his mum why she had not found it earlier.

I hope you will find your own happy ending.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

I knew a woman once whose son was autistic and he was real nice, but would talk non-stop about Yu-Ghi-Oh. That is all this kid cared about and once we went out to dinner and I had to listen to him the whole time talk about the different characters of that game. All he eats is french fries so I ordered him a double portion hoping it would quiet him down, but no such luck, he powered through them and kept talking.

He was a real sweet kid though.

IIRC, that's a pretty typical 'symptom' (i hate using that word here)...obsession with something in particular. Could be anything, but that is a pretty common trait (a better word).

These kids need understanding and as adults we need to give it to them.

 

[Sky]

As for a lot of "high functioning autism" types on these threads, I honestly don't know how many people on the boards have what types of issues. Although if there are others who have dealt with this same situation, I would hope they would be able to share some of their experience so I can learn from it, or just get some emotional support.

Hello. I'm an aspie. Let me start by saying that I am happily married, have close friends, and study and work in the field I love.

I still have trouble looking people in the eye, except through the viewfinder (I'm a photographer). Sometimes it leads to embarrassing situations, as my eyes tend to wander. A lady once thought I was staring at her chest. I've practiced looking people in the eye when I talk with them and sometimes it leads to the opposite problem - I fix my gaze so much I seem to be staring.

I also have some trouble with telephone conversations, since I never know when it is 'my turn' to speak and if I have to call strangers, I will write down my lines before calling. I don't get all jokes, and I tend to go on and on about my interests before noticing that nobody's actually all that interested anymore. I enjoy spending time with people, but if I've spent a lot of time around other people, I need a couple of days to 'deflate' and to be completely on my own. And I make lists to help me relax. Lists of people who I have met in the past 2 weeks, for example. Or trains that I've travelled on. Or airplane types I know. That kind of things.

I hope your son finds a crowd of friends with similar interests and perhaps similar 'quirks'. I tend to feel most at home in a geek crowd - I used to work as a sysadmin and many of my closest friends are from those days.

 

[Balrog]

My son has Autism as well as other things.

My wife and I surround ourselves with the good people in our lives and truly have just learned to ignore the ignorant rest of them. We were angry at them at first. But since our son has grown, and we have grown to love, help and understand him more, we don't feel that anger anymore. We actually feel sad for them that they don't really know or understand.

As you probably know, it's not all bad. Some of it's quite good and even quite fun and funny.

 

[TheBrew]

As for a lot of "high functioning autism" types on these threads, I honestly don't know how many people on the boards have what types of issues. Although if there are others who have dealt with this same situation, I would hope they would be able to share some of their experience so I can learn from it, or just get some emotional support.

Hello. I'm an aspie. Let me start by saying that I am happily married, have close friends, and study and work in the field I love.

I still have trouble looking people in the eye, except through the viewfinder (I'm a photographer). Sometimes it leads to embarrassing situations, as my eyes tend to wander. A lady once thought I was staring at her chest. I've practiced looking people in the eye when I talk with them and sometimes it leads to the opposite problem - I fix my gaze so much I seem to be staring.

I also have some trouble with telephone conversations, since I never know when it is 'my turn' to speak and if I have to call strangers, I will write down my lines before calling. I don't get all jokes, and I tend to go on and on about my interests before noticing that nobody's actually all that interested anymore. I enjoy spending time with people, but if I've spent a lot of time around other people, I need a couple of days to 'deflate' and to be completely on my own. And I make lists to help me relax. Lists of people who I have met in the past 2 weeks, for example. Or trains that I've travelled on. Or airplane types I know. That kind of things.

I hope your son finds a crowd of friends with similar interests and perhaps similar 'quirks'. I tend to feel most at home in a geek crowd - I used to work as a sysadmin and many of my closest friends are from those days.

Reading this almost makes me think I might be a slight aspie; I used to have a lot of trouble looking people in the eyes (and I make an effort to do so now), I hate telephone conversations (so much dead time that is made by talking about useless stuff; if you want to talk to me, make sure you have something interesting to say!) and I need to deflate from people around people.

A lot of the stuff I've gotten better at or at least better at not being rude. Of course, I think that spectrum disorders can be overdiagnosed, so I don't really want to put myself in that camp, especially as there are people who struggle with it a lot more.

 

[Sky]

Yeah, I've struggled with more as well, but I've sort of learned a lot of the things that some people know by intuition, and besides as an adult I've arranged my life so that I don't have to deal with the most difficult situations. And surrounding myself with people who are somewhat similar has done wonders. But it's clear that I am even for an Aspie very high-functioning.

I think that spectrum disorders are somewhat self-overdiagnosed, if that's a word (English is not my first or second language, sorry).

 

[Robert Maxwell]

For all intents and purposes, it seems like your child's diagnosis is completely based on the doctor's observation of how he behaves. Now I'm very skeptical of some kid's being "highly functional, but autistic" instead of just "normal kids who have some problems". I apologize if I'm offending you at all, I know there are kids who have severe problems with autism, ADHD and such, but has your doctor presented tangible proof (like a CAT scan or something similar) that your child is actually autistic? For all intents and purposes, he seems on the outset to be a normal child who is slightly rude at times.

Once again, I apologize if I have offended you, but I have always been a skeptic when it comes to mostly normal kids being diagnosed with mental disabilities.

I was listening to NPR today and they actually spoke to this very subject. What was interesting is that there's been an almost 1-to-1 ratio between the decline in "mental retardation" diagnoses and the increase in diagnoses of AD(H), forms of autism, etc. We used to lack specific diagnoses for a lot of behaviorally-oriented disorders, so we just labeled kids "retarded" and called it a day. Now, we have much more nuanced diagnostic criteria. It's not that there are more kids being born with these issues, it's that we're much better able to identify and distinguish them.