2012: The Abridged Script

[Trekker4747]

This is from the website "The Editing Room" which "reviews" movies by laying out "abridged" scripts for them.

THIS is the entry for 2012.

DANNY GLOVER
I was told you needed to speak with me urgently. What’s going on?

OLIVER PLATT
Danny Glover is the president?

DANNY GLOVER
Yeah, Roland wasn’t sure if McCain or Obama was going to win when he started casting,
so he just merged them together and got me.


OLIVER PLATT
I see you’ve forgotten how to act, too. Great. Anyway, Chiwetel has something urgent he needs to tell you.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Oh… my… God…

OLIVER PLATT
He says that his predictions about the earth’s crust collpasing were wrong,
and the end of the world is starting now.

DANNY GLOVER
I’m too old for this shit!​

CUSACK gets a call from AMANDA PEET about an EARTHQUAKE and drives back to CALIFORNIA in half the time it takes to drive from, say, WYOMING, to, for example, CALIFORNIA.

AMANDA PEET
Hey, thanks for bringing them back early, their new daddy and I both appreciate it.

JOHN CUSACK
No problem, they were kind of getting in the way of Daddy’s Laptop Time anyway.

THOMAS MCCARTHY
Hey John! Want to come in and eat some pancakes? I always work up an appetite for
pancakes after a night of buttfucking your ex-wife.

JOHN CUSACK
No thanks, Thomas. I have to get to work, I’m going to be late.

AMANDA PEET
How can you be late for work? We just acknowledged that you
came back a day early no more than 20 seconds ago.​

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

This is my favorite bit:

OLIVER PLATT
Sir, we need you to get on Air Force One right away. The Vice President has already been killed in the volcanic ash cloud in Philadelphia.
DANNY GLOVER
You mean the ash cloud that started in Wyoming but has not yet reached Las Vegas?
OLIVER PLATT
That’s the one.
DANNY GLOVER
Does Roland Emmerich not own a map or something?
DIRECTOR ROLAND EMMERICH
Some, uh, people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as.