Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link. -------------------------------------- Here Be Dragons “Be on the alert, people. Stay sharp,” Billups ordered leading an Engineering team down a corridor. “Don’t let yourselves get distracted. Just keep a clear head and focus on the job.” “Uh, sir?” Rutherford blinked at Billiup’s unusually anxious behavior. “Why are you so worried about attending a simple diplomatic reception aboard the Cerritos? Aren’t social gatherings involving Starfleet officers like this routine?” “Trust me, Ensign. There’s nothing routine about the trials and tribulations waiting for us on the other side of those doors,” Billups warned as they neared the ship’s bar. “We’ll be dealing with the most ruthless and insidious adversary a team of professional, dedicated engineers like us could ever face.” “A group of genetically engineered, egotistical, Borgified, Q-artificial superintelligence hybrids?” Rutherford gulped nervously. “Worse,” Billups braced himself stepping through the doors. “My mother.” “Andarithio! My dear, beloved son!” Queen Paolana of Hysperia gushed waving at him flanked by her guards while standing next to Captain Freeman. A dozen or so dancers, jugglers, acrobats and minstrels pranced around the decorated space while providing entertainment for a mixed crowd of Hysperians, Starfleet personnel and others. “Aren’t you eating enough? You’ve lost weight!” “Our beloved Prince Andarithio has arrived!” Every Hysperian within earshot cheered. “Huzzah! Huzzah!” “Please don’t do that,” Billups ignored the cheers and resignedly approached Paolana. “Mother.” “Stop slouching, Andarithio,” Paolana tutted. “I knew all the time you spend bending over fiddling with engineering nonsense would result in bad posture.” Billups sighed and straightened up. “I was just telling Carol here how grateful I am for her hosting this grand commercial faire.” “That’s ‘Captain Freeman’ if you please,” Freeman reminded. “And acting as a neutral intermediary to help resolve Hysperia’s trade disputes with one of her neighbors is no trouble at all. Even though I didn’t have a choice considering you submitted your request directly to the Federation Council…” “A minor detail,” Paolana waved. “I am just so delighted my dear Andarithio is able to attend acting as liaison and translator for all this bizarre Starfleet terminology.” “I should have known,” Billups muttered turning to his team. “My mother is definitely up to something. Stay alert and keep your eyes peeled. Remember, your sole duty here is to guard me.” “Uh, okey-dokey,” Rutherford nodded, confused. “But if I may ask sir, why did you select us to accompany you instead of asking Lieutenant Shaxs?” “Because he and the rest of the ship’s Security department are busy providing security for the whole affair,” Billups whispered back. “And I’m not trusting my mother’s guards with a literal ten-foot maypole. I need a team I can count on and trust. You did read the briefing I gave you, right?” “Yes, sir,” Rutherford confirmed. “I downloaded all the information about Hysperian culture, technology and traditions directly to my implant.” “Good. Then you know what’s at stake here,” Billups checked with the others. “I need you all to protect me and make sure my innocent virtue remains intact. Remember, my mother is incredibly cunning and ruthless so don’t fall for any of her tricks!” “My dear Andarithio, I do hope you realize how grateful I am with you aiding Hysperia in our time of need,” Paolana smiled. “I know you will do your duty and help resolve these pesky trade disputes between Hysperia and Vajruni.” “Sorry, what now?” Rutherford blinked, confused. “Vajruni. A neighboring world,” Billups replied. “Similar colonization history and setup as Hysperia except modeled on a different, loosely-based Earth cultural era.” “Captain Freeman,” A tall, regal-looking woman dressed like a 16th century Mughal empress strode up accompanied by a pair of turban-wearing guards. “For your generous services and hospitality, please accept this gift on behalf of all Vajruni.” “Uh, of course,” Freeman blinked as one of the guards handed her a bulky, jewel-encrusted animal-like statue. “Thank you, Empress Manikarnika. I’m honored to receive such a heavy…I mean, heavenly gift.” “As well you should,” Manikarnika declared. “It is the likeness of a giant razorback katar-tiger I killed myself carved from the beast’s own vertebrae.” “Wow, you shouldn’t have,” Freeman blinked. “You really shouldn’t have.” “Speaking of which, Andarithio, there’s someone here you absolutely must meet,” Paolana smiled slyly. “Princess Vimi of Vajruni. A very nice girl. So inquisitive and limber. I’m sure the two of you would couple quite well together.” “Oh no. Don’t even think about it, Mother,” Billups warned. “I know what kind of sneaky, seductive trap you’re attempting to lure me into. Well, I’m telling you right now it’s not going to work!” “Why Andarithio,” Paolana placed a hand over her heart. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” “Oh yes you do!” Billups snapped. “You’re always doing this to me, Mother! Ever since I left to join Starfleet you’ve sent legions of willing, available women to seduce me and attempt to take my virtue! Like that so-called ‘private tutor’ you arranged for me at the Academy.” “A good, sound education is very important,” Paolana defended. “I couldn’t let you attend some silly Starfleet school without a well-rounded teacher.” “Oh, parts of her were ‘well-rounded’ alright,” Billups gave Paolana a look. “Except instead of Engineering she happened to be an expert in the fields of Anatomy and Interspecies Mating Rituals!” “A fortuitous coincidence,” Paolana whistled innocently. “Her presence was for your own good. What better way to learn than by using plenty of visual aids and hands-on examples.” “It was those ‘hands-on’ examples that got her kicked off campus for displays of public indecency,” Billups snapped. “Just like the personal fitness trainer who just ‘happened’ to be the cousin of one of your ladies-in-waiting.” “A healthy body helps support a healthy mind,” Paolana retorted. “Can I really be held responsible for the actions of my inner circle’s relatives?” “You were responsible for funding the team of masseuses who ambushed me on Pelios Station,” Billups went on. “Who wanted me to massage them at the same time.” “You work far too hard, my dear Andarithio. You really must learn how to relax,” Paolana waved. “Those lovely girls just wanted to help you release all your intense, long-denied inner tension.” “That so-called damsel in distress on Rigel II who declared I alone could save her,” Billups continued. “Who cried all over me and later turned out to be an Elasian.” “Okay, I admit to playing a slight role in arranging that last one,” Paolana grumbled. “Who would have thought she’d be one of the few female Elasians whose tears only affect women instead of men? “The time the Cerritos responded to a medical emergency on the Monaveen,” Billups glared. “Where your personal physician insisted on a highly unorthodox form of treatment only I could provide.” “It was a life-or-death situation,” Paolana held the back of her hand to her head. “So many members of my crew were suffering from a dangerous hormonal imbalance. It was your sworn Starfleet duty to assist and give them life-saving transfusions.” “Not with that kind of bodily fluid!” Billups shouted. “And I’ve definitely never heard of performing transfusions into those anatomical areas utilizing that method of pressure-sensitive injections!” “Well, you certainly can’t blame me for your lack of knowledge about that,” Paolana shot back. “Such common ignorance only proves you should have paid more attention to your private tutor.” “Aggghhh!” Billups cried tearing at his hair. “Uh, sounds like you both have quite a bit to talk about,” A stunned, blushing Freeman coughed. She motioned to an amused-looking Manikarnika. “Perhaps we should leave you two alone for a while…” “No! Captain, don’t go!” Billups pleaded. “My mother is up to something. Her attempts to aggravate me are all part of her wily, underhanded plan!” “Oh really, Andarithio. You simply must stop being so paranoid and suspicious,” Paolana waved. “Do you really think I would go to all the trouble of manufacturing a fake diplomatic crisis, sabotaging my own world’s mercantile economy and requesting intervention from Starfleet just to trick you into performing your destined, princely duty?” “It wouldn’t be the first time,” Billups glared. “Excuse me,” A majestic, intelligent-looking woman bearing a strong resemblance to Empress Manikarnika strode up to the group. “Is this the handsome prince of Hysperia whom I’ve heard so much about?” “It is,” Paolana smiled gesturing to Billups. “Princess Vimi, allow me to introduce my dear, beloved and single son: Prince Andarithio!” “Hello,” Billups greeted regaining his composure. “Nice to meet you.” “Nice to meet you too,” Vimi smiled. “I understand you are a blacksmith…I mean, an engineer. So am I.” “Really?” Billups blinked. “Oh yes. My daughter is one of the best blacksmiths on all Vajruni,” Manikarnika boasted proudly. “She was the lead designer and artificer of the chakram-class Vajrunian flagship Agra.” “Wow,” Rutherford whistled staring out the bar’s viewports. The sword-like Monaveen was positioned off the Cerritos’ port side while the ring-shaped Agra was to starboard. “I’ve never seen that kind of hull geometry before. It looks decades ahead of its time. Hmmm, I wonder if Starfleet will ever build starships in the shape of a ring?” “You designed that?” Billups gawked at the Agra in surprise. “Calculating the right mass-to-volume-to-power ratio to create a stable integrated warp field must have been difficult. I have to say I’m impressed.” “I could say the same about you,” Vimi smiled taking his arm. “Perhaps you would be kind enough to give me a tour of your ship? I would love to get a look at your engine room.” “Oh, I’m sure he’d be delighted to,” Paolana grinned. “Excellent,” Manikarnika nodded in approval. “Starfleet’s legendary hospitality really does live up to its reputation.” “I suppose,” Billups turned to Freeman. “With your permission, Captain?” “Of course,” Freeman nodded. “You’re free to give Princess Vimi a tour at your discretion, Mr. Billups.” She leaned closer to whisper in his ear. “I’ll try to keep your mother occupied so she doesn’t try pulling any more tricks.” “Bless you, Captain,” Billups sighed in relief. “This way, your majesty. Come on, team.” “Okey-dokey,” Rutherford made to follow them. “Squire, what are you doing?” Paolana motioned her guards to block his way. “Can’t you see the two young majesties wish to be alone?” “Huh?” Rutherford blinked. “But I’m supposed to…” “Queen Paolana is correct. Let the two young people be,” Manikarnika agreed. “Stay, relax and enjoy the revelries like the rest of your Starfleet associates.” “My what?” Rutherford turned and saw the rest of the Engineering team had been swept into the boisterous crowd long ago. “Hey, where is everybody?” “Come one, come all! With pins and balls!” A minstrel heralded a group of jugglers. He encouraged nearby crewmembers to toss a collection of padds, tricorders, mugs and hyposprays to the nibble-handed jugglers. “Feast your eyes! Stay in sight! As they set your things alight!” “Ooooooo!” The amazed Starfleet officers watched as the performers doused every offered item with flames while continuing to juggle them. The ship’s automatic fire suppression system in the bar had obviously been temporarily disabled for the reception. “No need to fear! Don’t be alarmed! Your possessions have not come to harm!” The minstrel assured. “Wheeeeee!” Lieutenant Commander Stevens giggled dancing with a group of performers dressed like fairies. “That’s it, lovelies! Flowers and sparkly faire dust for everyone!” “Hey, ladies,” Commander Ransom smiled siding up to a pair of Hysperian and Vajrunian women. “Wanna visit my quarters and see a real unicorn?” “Mead! Mead! The magical drink!” A young vendor called out working part of the bar. “The more you have, the less you think!” “Oh man, this is good stuff!” Mariner whooped chugging from a large stein. “Sure beats the pants off boring ol’ bottles of synthehol any day. Keep in coming!” “You, Miss! Stop filling your belly with that machine-assembled rubbish!” Another vendor scolded Ensign Castro as she attempted to order something from a replicator. “Enjoy the sweet, savory taste of veal pie or a freshly cooked leg of mutton!” “Would you like to try a freshly baked samosa, my good man?” Another server offered a platter to Rutherford. “Made with the finest spices and stuffed with onions, lentils, chicken and cobra chunks!” “Uh, no thanks. I’m on a diet,” Rutherford gulped moving away. “Man, Billups wasn’t kidding about being distracted.” “Aha!” A sizable crowd cheered while gathered around a trio of blade-wielding contestants. A target had been hung on one wall while already spouting half a dozen wicked-looking knives. “Ha!” A handsome, bearded Hysperian laughed sinking a dagger into the bullseye’s outer rim. “Jita!” A heavily muscled Vajrunian crowed tossing a knife matching the previous throw. “Yahhh!” Tendi cried flinging an exoscalpel which neatly bisected the other blades and hit the target dead-center. “The squire from Starfleet wins!” The panel of judges proclaimed. “Huzzah! Huzzah!” “Huh?” Rutherford blinked at the sight. “Oh hi, Rutherford!” Tendi waved happily. “Did you see that? I won! These people are so much fun! Even if they are a bunch of blade-tossing amateurs…” “What?!” Rutherford was stunned. “Are you saying you’re some kind of blade-throwing master? Where did you learn how to do that?” “Uh, just something I picked up at the Academy,” Tendi laughed nervously. “Late night study parties at Med School. Whew, were they wild!” “AAAHHHHHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!” Boimler yelped running from a trio of winged, juvenile reptiles each three times his size. “YEEEOOOW! WATCH THE HAIR!” “Speaking of wild,” Rutherford blinked. “Okay, who let the dragons aboard my ship?” Freeman groaned looking around. “I told you people not to let them aboard after the mess they made the last time.” “I’m terribly sorry, Carol, but it has been a long journey and they do need their exercise,” Paolana said. “Don’t worry, they’ve all been fed and we only brought our pet dragons along with us on this trip. It’s the wild dragons you really need to watch out for. Besides, the juvenile dragons seem to like your funny, purple-haired jester.” “How can you tell?” Freeman asked. “Because they didn’t claw, tear or rip him to pieces on the spot,” Paolana said casually. “NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!” Boimler wailed as the dragons playfully pounced on him and affectionately licked his hair. “Ugh, dragon drool! Bleah!” “Way to go, Boims!” Mariner smirked raising her stein of mead in salute. “I knew you’d finally land yourself a hot date who liked to tongue!” “Very funny!” Boimler snapped while desperately attempting to escape the overly-affectionate dragons. “Ewww, those tongues are rough and covered in slime! No, don’t lick me there! Aaaiiieeeeee!” “O-kay, this is getting a little too personal much for me,” Rutherford blanched turning away. “And I thought dragons were supposed to be all vicious, mean and scary.” “AAAGGGHHHHHH! SECURITY! SAVE ME!” Ransom screamed running by while being chased by the pair of women he had attempted to charm. “YOU SUGGEST WE ALL WHAT?!” Both women yelled with murder in their eyes. “LADIES, PLEASE! PUT DOWN THE SWORDS!” Ransom cried. “THERE’S OBVIOUSLY BEEN SOME KIND OF CULTURAL MISUNDERSTANDING…YEEEEOOOWWW!” “On second thought,” Rutherford gulped. “Maybe the dragons aren’t so scary after all.” WHOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH! “AAAHHHHHH!” A crowd of veteran Starfleet officers screamed as one of the dragons belched out a stream of flames. “Whoa!” Rutherford ducked as a row of banners and decorations caught on fire. A damage control team wielding manual extinguishers quickly arrived to put out the flames. “What the? Hysperian dragons can actually breathe fire? How the heck is that possible?” “Oh, it’s quite simple,” Nurse Westlake said overhearing him. “The digestive tracts of Hysperian dragons are filled with hydrogen-producing bacteria. The dragons store the hydrogen in separate bladder-like organs which also help provide lift. Furthermore, the dragons commonly gnaw on platinum-rich stones which aid with digestion, flakes of which remain lodged in the dragon’s teeth. When a dragon releases the stored hydrogen the platinum acts as a catalyst and causes the dragon’s hydrogen-oxygen mixed exhalations to combust, thus resulting in fire.” “Oh. I guess that makes sense,” Rutherford blinked. “Though I think my implant is acting up again. For some reason your explanation sounded just like it was being narrated by Captain Picard.” “WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH! HELP! NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!” Billups shrieked bursting back into the bar wearing nothing but his underwear and a look of sheer panic on his face. “Come back you big, hunky love-engine!” A very excited Vimi giggled chasing after him also clad only in her undergarments. “Sheath your hard, unwrought iron inside my hot, internal forge as we work the bellows and see how many times we can melt each other’s blast furnaces!” “NOT WHILE I STILL HAVE A DROP OF PROVERBIAL DRAGONSBLOOD IN MY VEINS!” Billups screamed while desperately attempting to avoid falling into Vimi’s outstretched clutches. “OW! NO BITING!” “Oh no. Seems my dear Andarithio has chosen to shirk and avoid performing his princely duties once again,” Paolana grumbled. “I tell you Carol, you have no idea what it’s like putting up with a stubborn, rebellious child who defies all your hopes and dreams and whose unorthodox behavior is determined to drive you absolutely mad!” “Wanna bet?” Freeman gave her a look. “Yahooo! It’s jousting time!” Mariner hooted standing on the bar. She signaled to an armored, horse-mounted Hysperian and Vajrunian waiting in opposite corners of the room. “Get ready, people! All forms of betting material and regional currencies are accepted!” “Alright, that’s enough! This whole farce of a reception has gone too far!” Freeman shouted slapping her combadge. “Freeman to Shaxs! I want Security to clear all non-Cerritos personnel and lifeforms off the ship immediately!” “Sorry, can’t comply at the moment, Captain!” Shaxs was heard growling over the roar of beasts and phaser fire. “We’re dealing with a situation in Sickbay! Several adult Hysperian dragons barged aboard and somehow got exposed to the dragon equivalent of catnip…HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU’RE SHOOTING THOSE FLAMES! STOP SETTING ALL THE BIOBEDS ON FIRE! I’M TRYING TO SPEAK WITH THE CAPTAIN!” “Never mind,” Freeman groaned tapping her combadge again. “I should have known my desire to be assigned high-profile diplomatic missions would come back to bite me in the…!” “Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai!” A hulking Hysperian and Vajrunian pair roared while dueling each other with battle axes. “Hi-yah!” Tendi yelled wielding her own axe. She expertly used it to disarm both of her opponents and knock them to the ground. “The reigning champions have been defeated!” An amazed herald proclaimed taking Tendi’s hand and holding it aloft. “A warrior of such renown is forever welcome aboard any of our ships! Anytime, anywhere!” “All hail Knight Tendi of Starfleet!” Hysperians and Vajrunians alike cheered. “Huzzah! Huzzah!” “Aw, thanks everyone!” Tendi twittered. “Really, it was nothing!” “Whaaa?” Rutherford gaped, stunned. “You know how to fight with an axe too! Are those more skills you picked up during your time at the Academy?” “Uh, yeah. From the week covering Ancient Medical Instruments and Techniques,” Tendi laughed anxiously. “Never know when you’ll need to perform a sudden, old-fashioned amputation!” “Come to me, my sweet master of perpetual bodily motion!” Vimi purred pawing at Billups. “Let me teach you all the intricate mutual support principles and positions as outlined in the Kama Sutra!” “NOOOOOOOOO!” Billups wailed as Vimi tackled him. “You suggest we do what with the coconuts and grapeseed oil?!” Ransom’s furious Vajrunian pursuer howled lowering the aim of her sharp sword. “Insolent firangi!” “Ferengi?” Rutherford blinked looking around. “Where?” “Thou wishes to know what it’s like to be part of a harem, knave?” Ransom’s Hysperian pursuer hissed lowering her own weapon. “Thou can find out by joining Princess Vimi’s once we finish turning thee into a eunuch!” “WHAT?!” Ransom shrieked. “OW! HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU’RE POINTING THOSE THINGS…AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!” “Alright! Looks like Ransom struck out twice again!” Mariner announced. “Pay up, people!” “AAAHHHHHH!” Boimler screamed now being chased by a pair of juvenile dragon-sized elephant-lion hybrids. “HELP! THEY’RE GOING TO EAT ME!” “Don’t be silly, jester!” Manikarnika laughed. “The gajasimha of Vajruni are herbivores. Mostly…” “What?!” Freeman did a double-take. “Why the blue blazes do you even keep those creatures aboard your ship?” “To keep the cows and elephants company,” Manikarnika said like it was the most natural thing in the world. “NEIGH!” “MOO!" “HHHRRRUUUEEEAAAHHHHHH!” “I had to ask,” Freeman groaned as a herd of horses, cows and yes elephants stormed into the room and began stampeding around the bar. “And I thought Starfleet’s bureaucracy was a circus!” “Alright! These races are really heating up now!” Mariner whooped chugging mead and began making a betting chart on one of the bulkheads. “I’m offering three to one odds on the weird trunk-faced lion things! Place your bets, people! Place your bets!” “What? Out of the way! Stand aside!” Manikarnika bellowed striding up and looming over Mariner. “Can I get on this?” “Here, my prince!” Vimi cooed rolling a mauled Billups into a secluded corner. “Stay and protect me from life's existential isolation!” “If you stay here, I’m the one who’s going to need protection!” Billups yelped. “NO, I DIDN’T MEAN THAT KIND! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S EDIBLE?! AAAHHHHHH! NO! STAY BACK! HELP! MOMMY!” “Don’t ‘Mommy’ me, Andarithio,” Paolana sniffed. “I’ve waited years for this moment, so you better not let me down!” “WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME?!” Boimler wailed while being tossed among the spirited dragons and gajasimhas. “THEY’RE EATING MY HAIR!” “AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!” Ransom shrieked as his sword-wielding pursuers finally caught up with him. “WAAAHHHHHH! RANSOM TO SICKBAY! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!” “In a minute, sir!” Tendi waved absently. “I’ll see to you right after I finish defending Starfleet’s honor at jousting!” “NEIGH!” “MOO!" “HHHRRRUUUEEEAAAHHHHHH!” “RRROOOAAARRR!” WHOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH! “Oh geeze. And thought having a hot starship was supposed to be a good thing,” Freeman groaned as half the bar caught on fire. Honus and the other bartenders scrambled like mad to prevent their stocks of non-replicated alcoholic beverages from exploding or going up in flames. “I bet Kirk or Sisko never had to endure this kind of insane, nonsensical lunacy. If I had known being a Starfleet captain meant having to deal with crazy diplomatic receptions like this, I’d have chosen to remain an ensign!” “I know one thing,” Rutherford said as the wild waves of insanity continued to whirl about him. “This is a multicultural experience I will never forget!” -------------------------------------- Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.