TNG Caption This! 349: Totally Unprepared

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone, LeadHead's on time again! Yay!

First up to the plate, we have the "Miscommunications" Award, going to:

Riker: Your orders were "Dress uniform", sir.

Next, we have the "Family Secrets" Award, going to:

Worf: I'm adopted?!

Helena: We're sorry to have kept this from you for so long.

Next, we have the "Power Utilization" Award, going to:

TROI: Will, what happened? I was drying my hair...and why do I suddenly sense exasperation?
RIKER: Didn't you pay attention to my message? Geordi needed half the power of the ship to be able to beam up the Captain whithout lowing the shields, so nobody were supposed to use any electrical device during three little minutes. Now, we have no more main power, only one quarter of the auxiliary power, the Captain couldn't have been beamed up and we have NO MORE SHIELDS in the NEUTRAL ZONE.

Next, we have the "Schoolyard Issues" Award, going to:

Data: But I don't get why Q is laughing Geordi, if your mother was that fat, wouldn't that be a serious medical problem?

Next, we have the "Promising Missions" Award, going to:

Picard: Numbah one, take an away team down to the planet. What's it called Data?
Date: The Certaindeath planet.
Riker: Man I can go for a beer.

Another week of great photoshops! Couldn't decide between these two, so they're both winners!

And....

Sometimes, on long boring shifts, Riker's mind would wander.

Captain's Log: Let the record show, that for the entirety of Cinco de Mayo I'll be referring to Commander Riker as "Numero Uno"

Picard: Don't go that way, Will. There's a caption contest in that direction. You'll get horribly mocked.
Riker: There's a man in a skirt in the other direction. We're doomed either way, sir.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

We're drawing closer and closer to contest #350! Time flies when you're having fun!

And now, a new contest!

Enjoy!

 

[Mistral]

Riker: "Geordi?"

LaForge: "Bombs, sir. I'm beaming them to the TrekBBS and cutting this caption contest off at the knees."

Riker: "Well done-carry on."

Riker: "Those suckers at the TrekBBS will never know what hit them."

 

[LeadHead]

La Forge: Why are you here, Commander? This is a simple cargo beam-up.

Riker: Riker to Picard. Your Premium Earl Grey has been beamed aboard.

Picard: (over comm) About time!

Crusher: Detecting traces of Irish whiskey...

Picard: Mister La Forge, get O'Brien up here.

Riker: Keep em coming, that Cliff guy doesn't sound like he'll stop yapping any time soon.

Worf: When you invited me to go on a spree with, I didn't think you meant shopping.

Worf: Sir, the Enterprise is under attack by the Ferengi!

Riker: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, you're not kidding.

 

[Armored Saint]

TFTW

RIKER: How long until the replacement by a grand piano?

RIKER: How long until any Bear Grylls reference?

RIKER:Mr. Crusher, set to piano and enveryone prepare to Bohemian Rhapsody!
WESLEY: Sir, Tactical isn't the name of a synthesizer manufacturer!

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: I was right, even with the label Worf managed to sit at the wrong station.

RIKER: Who would order four containers of whiskey?

O'BRIEN: I'll ahhh.....look right into it, sir.

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD (os): Numbah On...argh...
RIKER: Funny Captain, Data leading a mutiny, hahaha!
DATA (os): Mister Burke, or should I say Number One, fire at will against the Hathaway!
BURKE (os): Aye Captain!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Bartender (to Data): "We're pretty open-minded around here, but you still need to get your boyfriend out of his pajamas and into a suit before you bring him in here!"

Crusher: "Ah, Worf! I see on your medical chart that you're overdue for a prostate exam."
Worf: "It will take a lot more than the two of you to ever make that happen."

 

[Armored Saint]

TROI: Well Worf, can you explain these fanfics written by KahlessFromMinsk about Beverly, Ogawa and me doing it by the Klingon way in the sickbay?
CRUSHER: In fact, it turns me on.

 

[Avro Arrow]

Crusher: You idiots! You're only supposed to recharge him in a 120 volt outlet!

 

[Finn]

First Officer's Log: We have begun battle training on a holodeck simulation of the Constitution Class USS Enterprise as it appeared during Kirk's five year mission.

 

[Nerys Myk]

CRUSHER: So where do the fuses go again?

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

LaForge: "I have something important to tell you..."
music swells
LaForge: "It may comes as a bit of a shock."
ominous chords begin to play
LaForge: "But it is really quite humorous."
shave and a haircut
Riker: "Hold that thought. O'Brien, will you quit messing around with that synth!"

Picard: "So if I kick him in the nuts now, he won't even feel it?"
Crusher: "No sir, he's completely off-line."
Picard: "Where's the fun in that?"

Riker: "Really authentic atmosphere in here. How'd you get it so smoky?"
Barkeep: "Same way as any other bar, bunch of elementary school girls with ten packs of cigarettes."

Worf: "Reporting as ordered Doctor... oh shit!"
Crusher: "What's wrong, Worf?"
Worf: "The two of you in sickbay together can only mean one thing. You're going to give me some bad news, and the Counsellor is going to make me feel better about it."

"Wesley Crusher's personal log: They say that some of the pitfalls of command, in the centre seat of a starship, light years away from anywhere, with no one to answer to, are delusions of grandeur. Commander Riker seems to be taking these wargames too seriously. I wonder if I should be concerned now that he's started paraphrasing Moby Dick at Captain Picard?"

 

[Triskelion]

O'Brien: Peanut butter.
Riker: Check.
O'Brien: Jelly.
Riker: Check.
O'Brien: Bread.
Riker: Check.
O'Brien: Ritual suicide daggers.
Riker: Dammit Worf!

Picard: Virus?
Crusher: Spam filter.
Geordi: I tried to tell him that TV dinners weren't made from TVs.

Riker: A spaceman and android come into your bar -
Bartender: Heard it.

Crusher: I'm pleased to report your penile shortening procedure was a complete success.
Worf: What? I came in here for a ridge enhancement!
Troi: Here's my card.

Worf: Perhaps you could stop referring to your orders in the third person, sir.
Riker: What? Captain Riker is nothing if not open to suggestions!

 

[Finn]

Joe Carey: *under his breath* I'd like some of that.

 

[Armored Saint]

First Officer's Log: We have begun battle training on a holodeck simulation of the Constitution Class USS Enterprise as it appeared during Kirk's five year mission.

Tactical Officer's Log: Perhaps our First officer should use something more historically accurate than Mel Gibson's movies when he creates an holoprogram.
First Officer's Log: Perhaps mister Ch'Kov should not lecture anybody about historical accuracy. The Constution Class starships are not a Bielorussian inwention.
Engineer's log: Bogus frat, where's the Scotch?

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the Win, Leadhead, I'm eagerly awaiting #350!

Geordi: Actually, I'm not sure. It's a bunch of Sudafed for a crewman Heisenberg. And they're all blue.

Crusher: Okay, well, I think you bricked him, somehow, I'll just call the Warranty Center...

Picard: About that...

Crusher: Oh, God, you didn't try to install a custom Android rom, did you?

Picard: It's not my fault that Android fragmentation makes it difficult to get the features you want without all those custom skins. I thought the Jumja update would have solved it, but it's just as bad as Delvan fluff!

Geordi: This is exactly why I only buy Apple iLife synthetic humanoids.

Picard: Enough about your sex robots, Geordi, this is serious!

Riker: And, your beer tastes like piss.
Bartender: We know, 'cause we piss in it!

Crusher: Well, Worf, your physical checks out. However, the Counselor is here to discuss the results of your psychology exam.

Troi: Every answer you gave during the Rorschach test was, "The bloody remains of my enemies." Even the ones that clearly resembled flowers, puppies, and butterflies!

Riker: And let us honor the name, Hathaway, named after Shakespeare's wife and star of The Dark Knight Rises, Anne Hathaway.

Worf: Permission to switch back to the Captain's team again, idiot, I mean sir.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Wesley: Commander, why isn't the bridge symmetrical?

Riker: The SCE crew that built the damn thing were all DRUNK, that's why.

Geordi (thinking): I think I'm drunk. Either that, or Riker really has a little woman growing out the top of his head.

 

[Mojochi]

Thanks for the pick

Riker: That's got to be the crappiest board game I've ever seen

Geordi: That's why we made it really really big!

Crusher: There's something wrong with his internal...... stuff. What do you want from me? I run a hospital, not a chop shop

Riker: How can any of these costumes be fun? They wouldn't even show off my chest hair

 

[Holdfast]

Those photoshops were hilarious!

RIKER: Silly String, Mr La Forge?
LA FORGE: I snuck them on board under "emergency propellants". Now we're ready to Trick or Treat Picard.

PICARD: He soiled himself. How is that even possible?

RIKER: This stuff is strong; I can see Data wearing a 1930s costume.

CRUSHER: Ah Worf, excellent. I need you to assemble my new Ikea Biobed. These schematics make no sense.

RIKER: It's OK, trust me. I saw Kirk do this on reruns.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Crusher: "Very good, Worf! You entered through the doorway instead of walking into a window this time!"
Worf: "Starfleet architecture is without honor!"