TNG Caption This! 339: Holiday Spirit

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Sorry I missed the weekend, but I have today off too, so it's all part of the weekend for me. Okay, I think my popularity score just plummeted. Better get the winners going!

First up to the plate, we have the "Security Alert: Cancelled" Award, going to:

Riker: Stand down, everybody. She was just approaching the viewsreen, not the helm.

Troi: Hey!

Next, we have the "Healthy Competition" Award, going to:

Picard: And the winner for best gold shirt is...

Next, we have the "Klingon Case Study" Award, going to:

Riker: Isn't throwing furniture a prelude to lovemaking in Klingon culture?

Next, we have the "No wonder Admirals are so unpopular" Award, going to:

ADMIRAL HARTFEL: Yes Jean Luc, I know you helped establish that Data was a person with individual rights. That's why we are summarily taking his daughter away from him without appeal, just like we would do for ANY human being!

Next, we have the "No Miracle on Deck 34" Award, going to:

PICARD: Noooo... I fell asleep and missed him again!
CRUSHER: I'm sure you'll see him next year, Jean-Luc. But look, he drank the brandy, ate the mince pie, and left you lots of presents!

Our Photoshop Award (and with North Pole Myk's permission, maybe my new avatar after we switch back from Holiday names) is:

DATA: Careful, Captain. The Botany Department warns that this planet's flora has psychotropic properties.

Picard: Captain's Log: Data is close to introducing us to his "daughter," what will, perhaps prove to be the greatest advancement in cybernetic development since Dr. Soong created Data, himself. The crew and even Starfleet is teeming with questions: If an android can create another android, does that make the first android a god? Will this spell the end of human beings exploring space, when we can just send out some androids? Do androids have a soul? Is it ethical to allow Mr. Data to create another android? What if his "daughter" ends up like Lore, his brother? However, I, personally, am most interested to learn the answer to a question my first officer, Commander Riker, asked, "Is she hot?"

Riker: ...so then the next morning, I saw Ensign Monroe coming out of Ensign Carlyle's quarters!
Troi: Really? Those two? I never would have thought...
LaForge: Um, could you two focus for a minute? Shields at 20%, and the Warbird is circling for another attack run!

Congratulations to our winners and many thanks to everyone who participated!

Anybody know what I changed recently? I didn't see anyone post a guess last time around.

And now a new contest!

Enjoy and have happy holidays!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Q, I appreciate the thought, but the computer can play a recording of Feliz Navidad.

Picard: Excellent, lets hit the pub!

Data: Captain, what about Doctor Pulaski?

Picard: You're right, Mister Data. You wait outside.

Data: I see you standing there, no peeking at your Christmas gifts.

Wesley: You're holding a disembodied foot, I'm walking away and calling security!

Riker: Worf, you really could've done a better job wrapping this.

La Forge: And after you've all opened your presents, you can store them in my state of the art vault...

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Data: "Wesley, should I surmise, by the captain's reaction, that the standard mariachi band is not the traditional instrumentation for the Troggs' 'Wild Thing'?"

LaForge: "Captain! Commander! Look at this bitchin' model of Deep Space 9 I assembled!"
Riker: "Uh...that's supposed to be Deep Space 9?"
LaForge: "Well, it's from an AMC kit, so there are bound to be a few inaccuracies."

 

[Holdfast]

TFTW!! And Merry Christmas to all TNG fans.

PICARD: I hate office Christmas parties.

PICARD: New Year's Eve, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
DATA: At least you have me, Captain.
PICARD: That means this much to me.

DATA: One moment, Wesley. First I need to lubricate my pistons. Then I'll be with you.

RIKER: Well. It's big, isn't it... OK, OK, New Year's Resolution: no more impulse eBay buys.

GEORDI: Yours doesn't have batteries included.
PICARD: Sorry Will. But it's Christmas morning and all the shops are shut. You'll have to wait until tomorrow.
RIKER: I want to play with it NOW!!

 

[Finn]

Geordi:...well, guys?

Picard: Um...It worked...with Bev...Vash

Riker: Sure, Geordie. It'll help you get a date

OR

Riker: ...But you can't make a program to get yourself laid

Geordi: It worked for Data

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: You didn't see nothin'

@ Leadhead: feel free to make that shop into an av.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: Wrong human holiday, Q.

Fans who thought that the wait for Sherlock series 3 was too long, won't be happy to learn that the wait for series 4 was so long, Picard and Data took to making their own, fan-made version, to tide them over.

Data: No, Wesley, I can not give you a hand, however, I would be glad to give you a foot.

Worf: I must protest, Commander, the Captain has expressly ordered us not to peek at our gifts early!

Geordi: It's a hyperspace tesseract folded into a three-dimensional model.

Picard: That's great, Geordi, but what's it for?

Geordi: Oh, uh, you put your weed in there.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: But what does it do?

LAFORGE: It's a hand warmer.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Captain's Log Stardate 43908.4: I'm beginning to seriously regret agreeing to Mr. Cowell's request to let the Enterprise host the regional heats of The Galaxy's Got Talent.

Picard: Hmm... looks like dog poo. *SNIFF* Smells like dog poo. *LICKS* Yep, it's dog poo.

Data: I hope the Captain likes my daughter, but I worry he might give her THE BOOT.

Because this is her foot you see. That is a joke or play on words.

Riker: Remember, what happens in the space shanty-town brothel stays in the space shanty-town brothel.

Geordi:... And one day all special effects will be done this way.

Picard: Nonsense!

 

[Vassa]

Troi: Captain, I'm sensing an alien presence.

Picard: Yes, well..Let's skip searching the Dentist's office and move further along in the program shall we Data? Computer!

Touch my shit again and I will end you!

Worf: Commander, get your hand off my ass!

Geordi: "Holo-Doll... you can't tell she's not real!" ...And it has its own propulsion system.
Riker: Whoa!
Geordi: Yeah, Barkley and I are retiring next week
Picard: Merde

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Data: "I suggest we have the computer's auditory sensors upgraded. This is not the villain I selected for my Sherlock Holmes holoprogram."

Picard: "I think we were meant to find this double-headed penny. The evil Mariachi surely came this way..."
Data: "Metathesis is one of the more common pronunciation errors, sir..."
Picard: "Shut up, Data!

Data: "You should not be here before Christmas, Wesley. I haven't finished assembling your sex-droid yet."

Riker: "Okay, here's the net. Why do we need the phasers?"
Worf: "You haven't seen Klingon fish, sir."

Captain's personal log. When it comes to engineering, I find that I'd much rather the damned thing work, rather than spend fifteen minutes each briefing having it explained to me in words I don't understand. However I must remain sensitive to Mr LaForge's sense of professionalism and not attempt to limit his right of expression. I wonder if a blanket ban on jazz hands will be tactful enough to shut him up before I die of bordedom...

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: We've checked every gin joint, flop house and brothel on this planet, but still no sign of the Captain.

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Guess what I'm doing, Data.
Data: I don't care.
Picard: I'm fondling someone's pence.
Data: Now I know why Scotty is still beaming himself up.

Data: After experimenting all night, I must conclude that Commander Worf's threat was meant figuratively. <waddles off>

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Data: Wesley, I must request that you leave my lab at once. I am assembling a sentient being, not a sexbot.

 

[Captain Crow]

Geordi: How about this? We could do it as a musical and I can play him as a Jamaican.

Picard: No Mistah Laforge.

[a few hours later]

Geordi, singing with mock Jamaican accent:

Warning bells ring out across the ocean
Down to Montego Bay
Don't worry, all is well
You English jezebels
Help is on the way
Jamaican, Jamaican Inspector Man
Straight from Kingston to London Town
We are gonna party like it's 1888
Yeah, yeah, yeah, y'oy
Jamaican, Jamaican Inspector Man
Getting irie in Scotland Yard
You need a rasta man to help the magistrate
See me I say
Me not like this nonsense me hearing
People slashed from necklace to earring
Ripper, leave those prostitutes alone!
Jamaican Inspector Man
Ripper! Stop it! Me not gonna tell you again!​

Picard: I said NO Mistah Laforge.

Geordi, over communicator: Screw you slaphead!

 

[Finn]

Data: I must warn you first. Activating this new android would be risky...

Wesley: oh, Data. I'm sure the Sheldon will be fine. Activate him!

*ominous music plays*

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Data: "Wesley, I am now going to introduce you to a teenaged, female android I've created. But first, let's establish a few ground rules."

 

[Captain Crow]

Data: Do not make me break my foot off in your ass.

[Q and the Q-men start playing the Chicken Dance song]

[Geordi starts doing the Chicken Dance]

[Bridge crew looks at him with dismay]

Worf, under his breathe while bowing his head: dumbass.

 

[Armored Saint]

DATA: Hey Wesley, I want to try a new game and you are the perfect partner. It is called Jeffrey Dahmer.

GEORDI: ...and it's gonna be perfect for the BOXING DAY.
RIKER: Geordi, are you sure that you made enough historical research for this project "Christmas of the early 21st century".
PICARD: Keiko is still laughing about your request for a Marsh Melon tree, Number One.

 

[Mojochi]

Picard: I stand corrected. I honestly thought he couldn't do anything more offensive than the midget in the Genghis Khan outfit...

Picard: Originally I was in favor of your emotion chip, as I thought it would improve your acting. In hindsight, we should've destroyed it

Data: Now Wesley. If you recall, You found it quite uncomfortable when I came into your room unannounced

Worf: You had a mission here before? So what's the odds of us finding another clone of you in here?

Geordi. This is the upgraded module for Moriarty. It'll improve the quality of his life & experiences by a factor of 100

Riker: Have you finished the one for yourself yet?