TNG Caption This! 335: Sandstorm

[Merlanthe]

PICARD: Did i ever tell you about the first time i met your mother?

WESLEY: No?

PICARD: I was just walking along minding my own buissness when i saw this beautiful woman, your mother, and i thought to myself i would like to see her naked.

WESLEY: Err...

PICARD: And then all her clothes suddenly fell off.

WESLEY: All her...clothes fell off?

PICARD: Yes, and she was scrabbling around trying to get them back on again, but even before she could get her knickers on, i had seen everything.

WESLEY: Her clothes just fell off?

PICARD: Yes and i saw everythi.....she is standing behind me isnt she?

 

[Armored Saint]

Picard:...and then if she says yes, and only if she says yes, you can enter your little shuttlecraft in her little shuttleblay...
Beverly:I think I will synthetise a new shuttle drone for tonight.

 

[Armored Saint]

Picard: Touchscreen is perfect fort our next step: officers editing. Look, I take the cool irish engineer and I split him. I obtain a cool blind engineer and a cool Irish engineer.
Wesley: Can we modify our captain aspect?
Picard: Yes, I change his shirt color to red. Oh, that's a kind of weird, he becomes french and a new pure American dude is created. We prefer a more classy captain, so I absorb this japanese officer from California...good, he's still from France, but he's totally British now.
Wesley: Wigs are no more cool...
Picard: Ok, I remove his one and I put it as a beard to the Yankee...oh he's now the bridge Casanova.
Wesley: It's no more logical to have the first Vulcan officer of Starfleet.
Picard: Yeah, splitting and modernizing...we have now the first android and the first Klingon..ah..this baldric is so ugly...we beautify it...strange effect, our Klingon has now the Vulcan severity.
Wesley: Can we put the half-human/half-thelepathic alien factor to the secretary?
Beverly: Can we modernize this woman function?
Picard: Yes and yes, she's now empath and works in psychology and counselling.
Wesley: What's on this corner?
Picard: Oh, we needs to stabilize some of this new officers...especially the Klingon...
Beverly: What if we give him the doctor's grumpiness.
Picard: Excellent, our doctor is now a sweet MILF.
Wesley: The Klingon and the blind guy still need some stabilization.
Picard: No problem, I absorb what remains of the Japanese helmsman...oh I also take his Russian chauvinistic friend...
Wesley: So, they're no more an engineer and a warrior?
Picard: No, the engineer will stay non-white and the warrior will stay Russian and chauvinistic, but the will be at helm before the maturation.
Wesley: Maturation?
Picard: Some of these changes will not be effective right now. We're allowed to have an exception...I will take the MILF for the first season...so she will be out of action for the second.

 

[Merlanthe]

Here is the longer version.

PICARD: Did i ever tell you about the first time i met your mother?

WESLEY: No?

PICARD: I was just walking along minding my own bussiness when i saw this beautiful woman, your mother, and i thought to myself i would like to see her naked.

WESLEY: Err...

PICARD: And then all her clothes suddenly fell off.

WESLEY: All her...clothes fell off?

PICARD: Yes, and she was scrabbling around trying to get them back on again, but even before she could get her knickers on, i had seen everything.

WESLEY: All of her clothes just fell off?

PICARD: Yes and i saw everything.

WESLEY: But why did her clothes fall off?

PICARD: I dont know, there was a cloth eating virus loose or we encountered some space anomaly that made our wildest desires a reality or maybe she just suddenly decided to get naked. The important thing here is that i saw everything.

WESLEY: ...

PICARD: ...she has been stood right behind me the whole time hasnt she?

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: There is no greater challenge than the study of philosophy.
Wesley: But George Carlin won't be in my Starfleet exams.
Picard: The important things never will be. Anyone can be trained in the mechanics of piloting a starship.
Wesley: But Starfleet Academy -
Picard: It takes more. Open your mind to the past. Art, history, philosophy. And all this may mean something.
Wesley: Isn't an anthropomorphized cosmology rather humancentric, sir?
Picard: I can't do this. Back to PE class with you.

 

[Honorable Ensign]

In the future, it was customary to have a party to celebrate getting a new piece of furniture.

That didn't mean it was fun.

Dr. Crusher: That's odd, I'm not getting any readings...oh wait, this unlocks my car.

Picard: One day lad, this will all be yours.
Wesley: The Trek BBS forums?
Picard: ...no, not the forums...

 

[Nerys Myk]

WES: I've heard the women on Draylax have... three.

PICARD: Yeah, it's true.

WES:You know that firsthand?

PICARD: Firsthand, secondhand, thirdhand.

 

[Avro Arrow]

Riker: So it's decided. At 0400, Data will shut down internal comms, I'll override security from the bridge, and Worf will go into Picard's quarters and finish him off. We'll finally be free of that miserable, petty old tyrant!

Picard (O/S): Uh, Number One? I'm just in the next room. I can hear you.

Riker: I think the captain suspects something! We'd better make it 0200.

Picard (O/S): <sigh>

Crusher: Crusher to bridge! I've found Commander Riker! He's dead, and it looks like foul play was involved. I recommend we contact SCIS.

Picard (over comm): Sorry, Doctor, but Paramount never actually made that spin-off.

Worf: I don't care, Q! You should have gone before we left!

Wesley: What's this button labelled "Electrify Ops" do?

Picard: Ah, yes, that. Press it, and then observe Mr. Data there...

Riker: I can't read this alien text. What do the labels on these barrels say?

Data: I believe the translation is: "Warning: Radioactive waste. Extremely hazardous."

Riker: Ah. That would explain the intense nausea, the searing pain, and my red, glowing skin.

Data: Yes, sir. Also, I believe that may be one of your testicles on the floor over there.

 

[LeadHead]

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