TNG Caption This! 335: Sandstorm

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! New contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Seating Arrangements" Award, going to:

TROI: That seat's for O'Brien. You're at the kiddie table with Wesley, Molly and Alexander.

Next, we have the "TMI" Award, going to:

Beverly: Damn it, Wesley, when I asked how your date with Lt. Lefler went, I didn't expect you to explain so graphically!

Next, we have the "It's better in the Original Klingon" Award, going to:

This tea will be perfect for my next Downton Abbey party.

Next, we have the "Wandering Thoughts" Award, going to:

O'Brien: Betazoids can tell when you're thinking about other women during sex, can't they?

Next, we have the "Positronic Pain" Award, going to:

Data: Commander, in commemoration of the previous meal you prepared, here is the stone I passed.

...two years earlier

"Captain's Log. DeSoto here. I have to think of a way to get Blue Eyes off the ship. I can't stand his cooking. I think that French schmuck is looking for a new first officer. Perhaps, I'll find a way to put in a report on Riker that would grab Picard's attention.

KURN: What is this... thing?
WORF: The Whoopee Cushion is a human initiation rite. Best to just sit down and get it over with.

Many thanks to everyone who participated! Congratulations to our winners!

JirinPanthosa has (using Shazam, so you will have to share the award with Shazam ) determined the source of my thread titles for the past few months. (Two Steps From Hell songs) For those of you who may have checked out the youtube clues I put in last week, the music in both trailers was from Two Steps From Hell. Sometime in the future I shall come up with another riddle or puzzle, but not today.

And now, a new contest!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Riker: Look, if we don't at least try Texas Hold 'em in our poker game, it's gonna seem like this was filmed in the late 80's and early 90's.

Crusher: Vital signs failing! Crusher to sickbay, prepare the life support beard to attach to Commander Riker!

Q: You do know that if you say anything mean to me, I'll just get revenge on you once I get my Q powers back, right?

Picard: Up there is the helm, but you don't need to know about that. It'll be years before you're qualified to be anywhere near that console.

Data: Commander, if your intent is to "stand her up," may I suggest an emergency beam-out?

 

[Avro Arrow]

Chief Medical Officer's log, supplemental. Commander Riker has been located passed out in his quarters. It appears he got wasted and trashed his room. Again. I wish he'd get over this obsession with late 20th century rock music and just go back to jazz!

Q: Worf? Worf! I said, "Knock, knock," Worf! Worf?

Picard immediately regretted his idea for "Career Switch Day" when Wesley drew "Commanding Officer", Beverly drew "Tactical Officer", and Picard drew "Manicurist".

Data: Commander, if my study of early 21st century video games has taught me anything, it is that we should not seek cover behind the red barrels!

 

[Gepard]

PICARD: And then you'll transcend this plane of existence, or some rubbish, never to be seen again.

BEVERLY [thinking]: Thank god...

 

[Cyke101]

Two images for the price of one joke:

Crusher: Look at your coffee table. Do you remember what you did with your last one?

one week ago...

Riker: ...what are you getting at?

Troi: This is an intervention, Will. Your synthehol addiction has gone too far.

 

[Holdfast]

Thanks for the belly laugh!

RIKER: 4 guys, 2 girls. Not my kind of swingers party, guys.

CRUSHER: Oh, so blood is the red stuff.

WORF: Why is there a Q growing out of my shoulder?

PICARD: And one day, when you're older, you'll have a whole wardrobe full of these Christmas sweaters from your mother.

DATA: Commander, I believe they can still shoot our heads.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Riker: You know, last week's party with Kurn was much more fun than this one Data.

Chief Medical Officer's Log: Having just been told by the Captain I'm going to be replaced I just can't be arsed any more. Thank God for malpractice insurance.

Q: Ha! Playing Marco Polo with Klingons is just so easy!

Picrad: Do you like gladiator movies Wes?

Riker: Tell the captain, we've found Chief O'Brien's secret hooch stash.

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the Captain's Log win

Captain's Log: I had scheduled a meeting to discuss a trip to observe the development of a bard reminiscent of Shakespeare on a pre-industrial planet not too far from here. It has been 30 minutes and I'm alone in the conference lounge...wondering where everyone went to. Apparently the com system is down as well.

Crusher: Looks like Deanna picked up a few pointers from Worf

 

[JirinPanthosa]

TROI: This is an intervention Will. You need to stop abusing Risan holoprograms.
RIKER: I can stop whenever I want. I just don't want to.

FEMALE ENSIGN (Offscreen): I don't know what happened, he was just so insistent and I...
BEVERLY: Don't worry Ensign. I'm ruling this justifiable homocide.

WORF: As a matter of fact, I have eaten MANY good books.

PICARD: Wesley, I have a confession to make. I want to get in your mother's pants. So I am going to give you the most blatant special treatment...
WESLEY: Hi Mom!
PICARD: Oh, uhh...how long have you been standing there?

RIKER: Data, are you sure this will protect us from disruptor fire?
DATA: Yes Commander. I have studied the interactive historical document called 'Mass Effect', and I have concluded that as long as we duck behind these barrels, we will be completely protected.

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: I'm quite certain we passed a bathroom.

PICARD: And someday Wesley, you'll grow into that ridiculous sweater.

RIKER: An intervention? But why?

TROI: Your lack of ambition, serial womanizing, compulsive eating and general smarminess.

CRUSHER: He's passed out drunk!

PICARD: For that you needed a tricorder?

 

[shivkala]

TFTW, Leadhead!

Riker: So we're agreed, we'll distract Picard with some silly contest thing, like the winners of the science fair or whatever. Once he's in the turbolift with them, we'll "accidentally" run into something that disrupts the ship and then Picard will be no more.

Data: I would point out, sir, that there are several flaws with your plan. To begin with, wouldn't the Captain be in the turbolift with some innocent children?

Riker: The needs of the many, Data. The needs of the many...

Crusher: Now, how do I make it look like an accident...

Q: Okay, just answer me one question and I'll stop popping up everywhere you go.

Worf: *growls*

Q: What's the deal with the three sea shells...

Picard: Oh, yes, Wesley, those were the days. It wasn't like now, with perfectly calibrated inertial dampeners. Back then, you felt every shudder, every vibration. Why at night, sitting in bed, your whole body would shake in time with the engines. Pure vibration running up and down your body... Beverly, can you stop moaning softly, I'm trying to paint a picture here for the boy.

Data: Commander, is it normal for your face to assume the color of the barrels? Commander, is it now normal for you to be lying on the ground gasping for air? Commander?

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: So then the chick sashays over - no, saunters over - and she's totally hot and she says - no, first she gives this look, like, I don't know, this sexy look -

Geordi<mumbling>: Holocharades sucks.

Crusher to sickbay, get a medic up here with a pair of nosehair clippers stat.

Q: Worf, the Miss Qonos pageant called, they want their last place sash back.

Worf: I am not falling for that again!

Picard: Now I will tell you the secret to space diplomacy, Wesley. When you meet a triple-breasted alien -
Wesley: Mute the com before ordering to magnify screen?
Beverley: My little boy is growing up.

Data: We should be sufficiently protected behind these drums of Worf's ridge wax.

Riker: Someone should tell him they're never going to let him enter that pageant again after that scene he made last time.

 

[Armored Saint]

Riker: ...so I just was a little baby and my mother died...my dad reeled my big fish when I was nine...and now...my former girlfriend is drinking and laughing at me in a parental and marital issues support group meeting...
Data: Do not worry Commander, it will be her turn just after you.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Q: Hey Worf! Hey Worf! Wait up. I did your science homework and I'll finish that essay for English by tonight. Maybe we could hang out later? Wouldn't that be cool?

 

[Merlanthe]

RIKER: Okay so its agreed. We all hide out here in my quarters until Wesleys leave is over and he is forced to return to the academy. We keep the door locked and pray our supply of alcohol doesnt run out. Any questions?

WORF: What about the Captain?

RIKER: He was the one who started this when he encouraged the boys ambitions instead of throwing him out the nearest airlock. I say we leave him to his fate.

CRUSHER: I believe that commander Riker might be unconcious but i left the instruction manuel for the tricorder back in med bay so i cant be certain...maybe I should give him a shot of some random serum see if that rouses any reaction.

OR

When Beverly found Riker lying unconcious in his querters she couldnt resist the opportunity to shave off part of his beard but got a little carried away

WORF: Isnt there meant to be another one of you on my other shoulder? An angel to your devil?

Q: I am an omnipotent being i am more than capable of fulfilling both roles.

WORF: That would explain why all your advice so far has been so contradictory.

PICARD: Now if you look at the viewscreen you will see a dark void filled with distant twinkling stars of light.

WESLEY: It all looks so pretty out there.

PICARD: Yes it is very beautiful. Its also very cold out there and devoid of oxygen and its where you will be going if i ever find you in my chair or anywhere on this bridge again. Understand?

DATA: Commander, we have been hiding here for three days, nine hours, twenty three minutes and forty seven seconds with no sign of the others. By my estimation the human attention span is fairly short. I believe they have given up their pursuit quite some time ago and that it would be safe to emerge.

RIKER: Quiet Data. I'm not gonna lose this game of hide and seek just because you cant keep quiet.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Okay, maybe the "no shop talk" rule wasn't a good one.

 

[bbjeg]

Beverly: This is an intervention Riker, about how you sit down.

Beverly's personal log: I picked up Betazoid DNA. Troi and I discussed the romantic dinner Riker planned earlier today. She thought he'd finally pop the question. Dating for over several years have finally taken it's toll.

Picard: ...and basically you let everyone else do the work for you.

 

[Armored Saint]

Crusher: Commander Riker just passed out, but he had time to say "Lieutenant Einhorn is a man".

Uncle Worf: Children, are you saying that bad bad mister Q is just behind me?

Data: Commander, you can stop to hide. Geordi has acces to all DNA files on his visor. You did not impregnated any women on this mining station.
Geordi: Nevermind, I'd forgot to look for Hortas. In fact, you're the father of a lot of kids on this mining station.

 

[T'Girl]

Picard: "...and then I told the Cardassian Commander: 'Tell it to the hand."

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: And as always, an excellent manicure is essential.