TOS Caption Contest #271: The Tholian Caption

[Isis]

Spock: "The captain and I are endeavoring to discover who took the captain's harness from his mission on Triskelion."

Kirk: "Most people have no idea it's one of my favorite souvenirs."

Spock: "Doctor, would you know anything about it?"

McCoy (to self, futilely hoping Spock doesn't notice he's hiding something behind his back): "Damn pointy-eared hobgoblin--just too logical for me."

 

[inflatabledalek]

Scotty: He's dead Jim!

McCoy: Hey, that's my line as CMO! Union rules are very clear. Damn demarcation.

Spock: When I asked for people who felt the Captain had been sexually harassing them to come forward I wasn't expecting so many.

Kirk: ....and whatever you do, don't blink!

Chekov: And now for the happy ending?

 

[inflatabledalek]

McCoy: I'm telling you Scotty, urine shouldn't be this colour.

 

[Nerys Myk]

MCCOY: He should have stuck with the wig, I knew that comb over would kill him.

 

[T'Girl]

McCoy: "Now that the Captain is dead, there the little matter of the tape."
Spock: "I took the liberty of destroying it, there are no copies."
McCoy: "The tape he wanted us both to watch on the event of his death?"
Spock: "Oh, that tape. Here, I'll retrieve it from the safe."

 

[Danger Ace]

"Welcome to the first meeting of the Vogon Poetry Appreciation Society, USS Enterprise chapter."

 

[Danger Ace]

"Doctor, with efficiency in mind, I propse a speedy and logical division of the Captain's personal effects. I'll take his collection of "Pointy Ears, Shapely Rears" and you can have everything else."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Spock: "All right, what do you want?"
McCoy: "You mean for not telling anyone your screen saver is a picture of the captain? Let me think..."

 

[Danger Ace]

"I didn't see exactly what happened. I just heard him ask Bill if he could have a line in the scene and then the thump of his head as it hit the console ... then Shatner stormed off muttering something about "peons" and "ungrateful"."

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: Skarr, if you will close and secure the door.

HARRISON (whispering): I've got a bad feeling about this.

 

[T'Girl]

Spock: "What is the beaker full of Doctor?"
McCoy: "Death."

McCoy:
Damn it Spock,
I know you told Sulu he could train the new ensign anyway he wanted,
but repeatedly slamming his head into the console is just wrong.

 

[Danger Ace]

"With the invaluable help of Mr. Scott, I think we were finally able to reverse-engineer the perfect glass of Tranya."

 

[Nerys Myk]

MCCOY:Ensigns, they're so cute when they're sleep.

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: So it's an engine coolant and a refreshing beverage?

SCOTT: Aye, from an old family recipe.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

McCoy: "What?! He died because of...a dare?!"
Spock: "Unrefrigerated plomeek. I didn't think he'd really do it. You gotta give him credit, though; the kid had guts!"

Spock: "I hope it's not as sweet as it looks."
Scotty: "Ha! That's th' same thing I said about Lieutenant Palamas!"

 

[Danger Ace]

"Sveat Mother Russia, somevun pleaz, no more 'golden oldies!' Dis, Villiam Shatner singing "Lucy in da Sky vit Diamonds" is nyet good!"

 

[Maurice]

BONES: And stop practicing your neck-pinch on the crew!
SULU: Her head hit the self-destruct.
SCOTT: $#@*!

UHURA: I'm up here Ensign... what's your name?
SPOCK: He's Ensign Deadmeat if he doesn't stop looking ay my woman!

BONES: You heard the man's last request. He clearly said we should tango, and I lead.
SPOCK: Effing illogical.

KOENIG: Is that a greenscreen for a digital set extension?
JUSTMAN (off camera): Maybe in 40 years!

SCOTTY: What's it taste like?
BONES: Why, it's tart and TANGy!
SPOCK: Shut up and pour faster.

 

[Melakon]

Kirk: Bones, Spock. Since you are playing this tape, we will assume that-- HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU!

 

[Triskelion]

Scotty: Borgas frat, Sunny D again? Did we run out of purple stuff?

 

[T'Girl]

McCoy: "Betty."
Spock: "Veronica."
McCoy: "Betty."
Spock: "Veronica."
McCoy: "Betty."
Spock: "Veronica."

(followed by many minutes of glaring)