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Bad Joke...
- Thread starter Gil T.Azell
- Start date
How to get rid of stains:
Red wine on the carpet use lemon juice
Mud on your clothes use soapy water
For Birds custard use Canesten Duo
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What's hit more balls than Tiger Woods golf club?
Elton Johns chin
Red wine on the carpet use lemon juice
Mud on your clothes use soapy water
For Birds custard use Canesten Duo
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What's hit more balls than Tiger Woods golf club?
Elton Johns chin
What's worse than finding there's no milk for your cornflakes?
Getting raped
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What's pink and goes up and down in a cot?
A child molesters arse
Getting raped
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What's pink and goes up and down in a cot?
A child molesters arse
OH NO--NOT A BLOND JOKE--I THINK I'M DEAD MEAT! TONY.
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handy woman and started canvassing the neighborhoods.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $75?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ."
A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $75 and handed it to her.
"And by the way,” the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi."
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handy woman and started canvassing the neighborhoods.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $75?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ."
A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $75 and handed it to her.
"And by the way,” the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi."
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either.... but this is a pu**y.. not a f*cking photo-copier."
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either.... but this is a pu**y.. not a f*cking photo-copier."
Inspired by the late, great Johnny Carson and an urban myth:
MAN: I like your pet cat, Miss!
WOMAN: Thank you! Would you like to pet my pussy?
MAN: Sure, if you take the cat off your lap I'll be happy to!
MAN: I like your pet cat, Miss!
WOMAN: Thank you! Would you like to pet my pussy?
MAN: Sure, if you take the cat off your lap I'll be happy to!
^ Ah, Mrs. Slocombe...
The Pope, a little boy, and George W. Bush are on airplane that's about to crash. The pilot comes to then and apologizes for the fact that he only has three parachutes and he is using one. He jumps out of the plane and leaves the three others behind with the two remaining parachutes.
George W. Bush picks one up and says "I'm the smartest man in the world and I deserve to live!" He puts on the parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The Pope turns to the little boy and offers him the last parachute. "Go, my son, you have you're whole life ahead of you," he says.
'Don't worry about it," the little boy replies, "Dubya took my schoolbag."
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A man takes his dog to a talent show and asks him some questions.
Man: What do you call the top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Man: What do you call the stuff on the side of a tree?
Dog: Bark!
Man: What do you say when a pretty lady walks by?
The dog takes a moment to think...
Dog: Hey baby, want some lipstick?
George W. Bush picks one up and says "I'm the smartest man in the world and I deserve to live!" He puts on the parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The Pope turns to the little boy and offers him the last parachute. "Go, my son, you have you're whole life ahead of you," he says.
'Don't worry about it," the little boy replies, "Dubya took my schoolbag."
--------------------
A man takes his dog to a talent show and asks him some questions.
Man: What do you call the top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Man: What do you call the stuff on the side of a tree?
Dog: Bark!
Man: What do you say when a pretty lady walks by?
The dog takes a moment to think...
Dog: Hey baby, want some lipstick?
Little Johnny sister...
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Mom fainted.
......................................................................................................
Another blond joke.
A man saved his mistress' phone number on his mobile as
"LOW BATTERY"
Whenever she calls him in his absence, his blonde wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.
Give that man a medal, he deserves it !!! .....
.......................................................................................
Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.
"Do what?” asked Blond #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
.......................................................................................
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Mom fainted.
......................................................................................................
Another blond joke.
A man saved his mistress' phone number on his mobile as
"LOW BATTERY"
Whenever she calls him in his absence, his blonde wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.
Give that man a medal, he deserves it !!! .....
.......................................................................................
Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.
"Do what?” asked Blond #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
.......................................................................................
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Second Opinion!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
^ lol 
A Wee Scottish Tale
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'
The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!
Being of Scottish/English/Irish, decent I find this funny.
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'
The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!
Being of Scottish/English/Irish, decent I find this funny.
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^It is funny 
But then, I don't have a lot of reason to love the English....
But then, I don't have a lot of reason to love the English....
RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie,
Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Tippy and Rosie.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip,
I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to
the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie,
Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Tippy and Rosie.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip,
I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to
the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'
What do Democrats call farts?
Republican breathalyzer tests.
Republican breathalyzer tests.
Dad to son
A boy comes home from school at 7pm.
His dad says "where were you?"
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says, "These fishcakes are great."
Dad replies, "Wash your hands son--------------they're donuts."
A boy comes home from school at 7pm.
His dad says "where were you?"
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says, "These fishcakes are great."
Dad replies, "Wash your hands son--------------they're donuts."
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