Bad Joke...

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A man is just moving into his new house in the country when a neighbor pulls up in his car. "Howdy neighbor!" the other guy says. "I see yer new here, wanted to welcome ya to the area!"

"Why thanks," the first man says, "that's very nice of you."

"Hey," the neighbor says, "wanted to invite you to a party I'm havin' at my place. It's gonna be great - there'll be drinkin', dancin', fightin', sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll, the whole thing."

"Wow," the first man says, "sounds like fun! What should I wear?"

"Oh, it don't matter none," the neighbor says, "It's just gonna be you and me."

 

[sojourner]

^That has to be the worst version of that joke I have ever heard.

 

[smiki]

Three vampire bats are hanging off a caves ceiling, y'know, just hanging out, when suddenly, one says: "Y'know guys, I'm kinda hungry, I'm gonna find something to eat." "Okay, sure" the other two reply. So he flies off in to the dusk and out of the cave. After a while he returns with blood dripping from the corners of his mouth. "Wow, you’ve found a nice meal, where've you been?" the other two ask. "See that tree over there? There was a herd of sheep there, my belly's full". After a while the second one says: "I'm kinda hungry myself now, I'm gonna go find something to eat", and flies away. After a while he returns with his cheeks and lips covered with blood. "Wow, you too found a nice meal, where've YOU been?" the other two ask. "See that fence over there? There's a herd of cows next to it. I'm full." he replies. After a while the third one says: "Y'know, I'm hungry too, I'll go and find some snacks as well", and flies off. After a while he returns with his whole face covered with blood. The other two are like: "WOW, where've YOU been?" He replies: "See that lamppost over there?” "Yeah, we do", the bats reply. "Well I didn't".

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^That has to be the worst version of that joke I have ever heard.

Eh? Did I tell it wrong? That's the only version I've heard...

 

[Captain Brylcream]

How many sound men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, Two. One Two.

 

[sojourner]

It's winter in Alaska and there are 2 gold miners each stuck in their own cabins. The weeks go by and the snow continues to fall and they are both getting cabin fever. One day the first miner calls up the second and says "Hey! you want to go to a party?".
The second says "Yeah! that would be great, I'm going out of my mind here".
"OK, I'll come get ya around 7".
So the first miner comes and picks up the second in his truck and they go riding off into the snow. They're riding for a while and the second says "Man, this is going to be great! I haven't seen anyone for what seems like months! Tell me, what's this party gonna be like?"

The first replies, "well, there's gonna be some drinkin', some dancin', some fightin', and a whole lotta sex!".

The second says, "Sounds fun! who's going to be at the party?"

The first, "Just you and me".

 

[Captain Brylcream]

Not the best version of it that I've heard like......

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Re: Bad Joke...Dumb old man!

Two young workers were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. The store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some dumb old man is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

 

[Gil T.Azell]

A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?"

The dad says, "Well son ..A vagina before sex is truly a thing of beauty, the most wonderful thing god ever created...more delicate that a fresh rose..its aroma is more beautiful that fine perfume..its feel is like soft silk.. its taste is that of pure nectar. . When words of great poets fail to do justice to this wonderment .. man would sacrifice his soul for a mere glimpse of its pure divinity

"It sounds wonderful dad", the kid replied.

"What do they look like after sex?" asked the son.

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard!!!

 

[CorporalClegg]

I just threw-up a little in my mouth.

 

[Gil T.Azell]

I just threw-up a little in my mouth.

my job is done

Sorry CorporalClegg;5118137 didn't mean to do that.


In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex."

The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy. so the madam smiles and says,
"Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Re: Bad Joke... Beer & Colonoscopy,

It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a colonoscopy?

I went into his office for my first rectal exam.

His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.

She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.

She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.

While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.

When Dr.. Putz finally came in I said, Look Doc", I'm a little confused this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his new nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn!!!

I said a "BUTT LIGHT!"

Live Well,
Love Much,
Laugh Often!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

When accountants party, do they listen to Kool & The Gang?

You know, the song that goes...

"Get down audit!
Get down audit!"

 

[Zulu Romeo]

Actually it's "(Let's Get) Fiscal" by O-Levy-a New-taxed Bond

(yes, I did a double-entry there...)

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ Or like that one Heart song that goes

"How can I get you a loan...."

 

[Zulu Romeo]

Or "Refund Deep, Mounting High" by Ike & Tina Earner (a.k.a. Fannie Mae Bullock)


But if you're more into disco, then something more worthy of celebration might be "Debts Away (uh huh huh huh) I like it" by KPMG and the Fundshine Band.

 

[ares93]

What does the volcano say to the coconut tree?

Hang on to your nuts, mate. 'Cause this 'aint no ordinary blowjob.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A photon walks into a hotel and asks for a room. The desk clerk asks if it has any luggage.

"No thank you. I'm travelling light."

 

[Theodore Jay Miller]

Did you hear about the Buddhists that opened a nail salon?

They called it Om Mani Pedi Om.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Got this one from PDQ Bach...

What is the question to which the answer is "chicken teriyaki"?

Spoiler: joke

What is the name of the world's only living kamikaze pilot?