A friend I care very much for is in an abusive relationship.

[auntiehill]

Here is the advice from my friend, who runs the shelter for battered women in our county:

This is always so hard; because the person we have to defer to, ALWAYS, is the person who is being abused. And until they are ready to say "Enough", it will not stop. She has to make the decision to change and from what you are saying that's not happened yet. And yes fear plays a huge factor in this. Abusers are usually very good at controlling the situation so that she stays; usually out of fear; but not necessarily out of fear of physical abuse. In her case the abuse is bad and getting worse; if she doesn't do something soon; he most likely will kill her. The fact that she is pregnant is scarier still. If he decides it's time to beat her up and she's still pregnant it won't stop him. Abuse is about power and control; not love. But people who are in relationship do not see that what they are experiencing is not love; probably because the abuser uses the term to gain control. "I love you so much; I wish you wouldn't make me hurt you." Yes that's been said over and over again so it's hard to judge what is, and is not, real in an abusive relationship.
The best thing that you can do is to educate yourself about what you can and cannot do in your state. I do not know the laws in the state of Washington. Our friend has already advised you to contact the local women's shelter and to talk to the police; that's the best thing you can do. Knowing what is possible is the best tool you can have. Learn about the "power and control" wheel, the cyclical nature of abuse which is NOT a circle but a spiral, will almost always get worse. Find options for her and let her know what they are if you can because the next best thing is to be supportive of her when he can. A caution I would make is that because you can be seen as a rival for her attentions from her abuser is that you be very circumspect when dealing with her.

This problem is not easily solved and there are ramifications for almost every action she can possibly take. Please be mindful of what you might encourage her to do. Because control is the issue here and not love; if he were to lose control he would then have to get it back and it can get even uglier than it already is; up to and including death. Again educate yourself first. There are many websites that can help and or inform.

http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/disorders/DomViolFacts.html


This website is based in Indiana but it's got good information:
http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/plan.htm this one talks about a safety plan; THAT is SO important. This is a piece to give her no matter what. I don't care if you put it on her desk anonymously; she needs to see it. But look it over first as it's based in Indiana; see if you can get one from the local women's shelter for her.

http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/domvic.htm
This site is based in your state: find the Shelter closest to you.
http://www.wscadv.org/gethelpnow.cfm

This one is a list but read the previous one; it has lots of information.
http://www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/WA.HTM

This is a big nightmare for her; one that she cannot get out of without first making a huge decision and it's only going to get worse; the baby will not help the situation at all. That I know.

I wish you patience; and I wish her peace.


PS: I've really only scratched the surface of this; please talk to someone in your state; it's so important.

I hope this helps.

 

[Aldo]

Mate you need to butt out and let things turn out the way they will turn out. If you try and interfere, you will only make a bad situation worse.

So say I stay out of it and she ends up dead. Will you still stand by your advice then?

Look, I'm not trying to be rude here, I know that confronting her directly about her situation is not the way to go. But to completely stay out of it while he (potentially) continues to beat her is not something I'm comfortable doing.

 

[Lookingglassman]

Show her Farrah Fawcetts Movie "The Burning Bed"

 

[Captain_Nick]

So say I stay out of it and she ends up dead. Will you still stand by your advice then?

Yep. It's a possibility, but another more likely possibility is that things will sort themselves out. I don't know the parties involved obviously but the way I figure it there must be a reason why she was attracted to this broken man in the first place. Moving her away from him might fix the symptom, for a while, but the problem will remain.

Look, I'm not trying to be rude here, I know that confronting her directly about her situation is not the way to go. But to completely stay out of it while he (potentially) continues to beat her is not something I'm comfortable doing.

Not doing.

Anyway, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Domestic violence isn't just someone beating up someone else. It's a complex dynamic that you don't understand, and if you don't tread carefully you may harm your relationship with this person.

 

[JiNX-01]

This is a tricky one. It's easy for an outsider to say go to the police, but I worry what that could do to our friendship. If she still cares for the guy (I know, hard to believe) it could drive a wedge between us.

You're worried about your friendship with her?!

This woman's "boyfriend" has sent her to emergency rooms for Christ sake. If you really care about her, you will do whatever it takes to ensure her safety and the safety of her unborn baby. If she is still with that sonofabitch after the baby comes, he'll hurt the baby, too.

Even if it involves her having to move away -- even if it means you never see her again -- help her get away from him.

Thank god she's pregnant because right now that's the only thing keeping him from beating on her some more.

A fetus is not body armour. He might not have hit her lately, but don't even fantasize that it'll last.

Your friend believes she has nowhere to go. You need to convince her that anywhere is better than where she is right now.

 

[Peach Wookiee]

What she also needs is an escape plan, Aldo. She needs money of her own and the police involved. Tell her you'd be glad to help her get out. Document every time she's come to work hurt, and get pictures if you can. You need the proof. Offer her a place to hide if you have to!

 

[Aldo]

I thought I'd give an update for those of you who were following my thread.

I had a heart to heart with my friend today after work. While the subject of the abuse didn't come up, we did talk about her future, and we talked about her boyfriend. It's apparent she doesn't want to be with him, but she's doing it because it's the easy thing to do at the moment (in her words). I told her that I could relate to that since I was in a relationship that I stuck with despite problems I had because it was easier than being alone).

She's also worried that if she leaves him he will become a bum (because as I mentioned above, somehere, he's been out of work the past six months or so and he is content to leech off of her). I explained to her that while I understand that she worries about him because she obviously still cares for him, that that is not a good enough reason to stay with him, that she is better off without him and life will go on, and I tried to instill in her that she would have a better life without him.

I didn't force any of my opinions on her, I told her how I felt and what I thought she should do, never telling her that it was the only way. This is in no way the last talk I will have with her, but I think (if only a little) that I got through to her. I parted with saying I hope she takes what I said to heart, it's a small step, but I think it's the beginning of something new for her.

 

[The Mirrorball Man]

I think it's the beginning of something new for her.

I sincerely hope so, although I must say that so far, that's exactly what happened both times I was involved in a similar situation. So don't get your hopes up, it could still get very ugly.

And for your sake, I really really hope you're not in love with that woman. If you are, this could destroy you.

 

[Aldo]

And for your sake, I really really hope you're not in love with that woman. If you are, this could destroy you.

I'm well aware of the dangers I open myself up to by having feelings for her. And yes, I do have feelings for her, although at this stage it's merely a crush, one that I have not allowed to go further than that. Besides, she needs a friend right now, not another guy looking to date her.

 

[SiorX]

I didn't force any of my opinions on her, I told her how I felt and what I thought she should do, never telling her that it was the only way. This is in no way the last talk I will have with her, but I think (if only a little) that I got through to her. I parted with saying I hope she takes what I said to heart, it's a small step, but I think it's the beginning of something new for her.

Aldo, please be careful about charging in as a white knight and expecting that to fix everything. I don't know this woman or her situation beyond what you've told us, but I do know that the factors at play in domestic abuse are not trivial. Nor can you always instinctively understand them without doing some research.

I'm not criticising your intention to be there for your friend. Strong social networks and friends really can be the difference between getting out and staying in a bad situation. But if combating domestic violence were as simple as having some bloke offer his opinion, we wouldn't need shelters and trained counsellors, and activists etc.

From what you've said, she's in a bad situation and she probably is going to look for support and help from friends, family, and possibly more official channels to help her make the break from this guy. You can help most by listening non-judgementally and by helping her to educate herself about the resources available to her when/if she's open to that. Information can help her contextualise her problem and feel empowered. Auntiehill and her friend provided some great resources to begin with.

What won't work is treating her like a damsel in distress. Maybe that isn't how you're thinking of her and I'm misreading, I don't want to dissuade you from being there for her. I really really don't. I just worry there's a touch of chivalrous heroics to the way you're framing this. Remember that when she gets free of the bad relationship - and I really hope that will be soon - she'll be the hero of her story.

 

[FPAlpha]

I thought I'd give an update for those of you who were following my thread.

I had a heart to heart with my friend today after work. While the subject of the abuse didn't come up, we did talk about her future, and we talked about her boyfriend. It's apparent she doesn't want to be with him, but she's doing it because it's the easy thing to do at the moment (in her words). I told her that I could relate to that since I was in a relationship that I stuck with despite problems I had because it was easier than being alone).

She's also worried that if she leaves him he will become a bum (because as I mentioned above, somehere, he's been out of work the past six months or so and he is content to leech off of her). I explained to her that while I understand that she worries about him because she obviously still cares for him, that that is not a good enough reason to stay with him, that she is better off without him and life will go on, and I tried to instill in her that she would have a better life without him.

I didn't force any of my opinions on her, I told her how I felt and what I thought she should do, never telling her that it was the only way. This is in no way the last talk I will have with her, but I think (if only a little) that I got through to her. I parted with saying I hope she takes what I said to heart, it's a small step, but I think it's the beginning of something new for her.

At this stage she's apparently realized she needs to leave but hasn't found the strength to do so.. maybe a little pushing is in order to get her to move a bit faster.

However you really need to look for further physical abuse and if that happens again you need to act.. verbal and emotional abuse is one thing but physical violence is another. If you are up to it you might confront this asshole in no uncertain terms that you will call the police on her behalf if anything like that happens (might bring a few friends as backup but keep them out of sight so he doesn't feel cornered and lashes out at you).

Anyway.. you are a friend of hers so you need to act to protect your friend unlike me who has a woman in his gaming group who has a dick as a boyfriend who verbally and emotionally abusive to her but i'm not that close to her and she's a grown woman.

It's for you to decide if talking and being supportive is enough or if you need to take a more active stance (maybe offer her a place to stay with you for a few weeks until she has sorted out some things and found a new place).

Another word of advice:
Do not ever mention your crush to her in any way.. it'll blow up in your face for sure. If everything settles for good and time has passed and she has gotten her life on track then maybe ask her out on a date.

 

[BrotherBenny]

Just watch carefully but don't interfere too much.

When she asks for your help, and sooner or later she will, step up to the plate.

Until then, just document everything your friend and mutual friend tells you, and anything you see. It will probably come in useful should this ever go to court.

 

[Kestra]

Don't confront the guy on her behalf, especially if she's not asked you to. And don't just "take her in." There's a good chance she'll go back and it will cause more problems for both of you. In an emergency setting, yes, definitely help, but there should really be a plan in place. Shelters can give better advice on this sort of thing.

 

[Aldo]

I didn't force any of my opinions on her, I told her how I felt and what I thought she should do, never telling her that it was the only way. This is in no way the last talk I will have with her, but I think (if only a little) that I got through to her. I parted with saying I hope she takes what I said to heart, it's a small step, but I think it's the beginning of something new for her.

What won't work is treating her like a damsel in distress. Maybe that isn't how you're thinking of her and I'm misreading, I don't want to dissuade you from being there for her. I really really don't. I just worry there's a touch of chivalrous heroics to the way you're framing this. Remember that when she gets free of the bad relationship - and I really hope that will be soon - she'll be the hero of her story.

I don't blame you for reading my intentions that way. In the past that's how I treated a lot of girls I've liked (I usually get involved with the ones that have some kind of personal issues going on.

However I've matured since then. I want the best for her right now not because I think it will make me look good, but because it is the right thing to do, as a friend.

 

[Yoda]

Didn't that dude guy who really likes the San Fran Giants and worked at radio shack do the white knight thing and have it work out?

Personally I'd stay away from women who stick around in abusive situations altogether. Screams codependent insanity to me. "Friend who I secretly or unsecretly want to bang but am not banging" is the worst "friend" to have. And making a play at your boss just sounds like a horrible idea all around, especially if you care at all about your job.

I wouldn't go beyond offering some simple advice to this woman. No need to get into this guy's shit, chances are he's unstable. If the boyfriend busts in and shoots you dead, don't say nobody warned you.

She could take your advice and have it end up like this chick. You just don't know when you're dealing with crazy.

 

[Aldo]

I've given you guys a lot of information, especially concerning my feelings towards this girl. I don't blame anyone for coming to some of the conclusions they are coming to. But believe me, I know how complicated things are right now; the only person I want to be to her right now is her friend.

 

[JiNX-01]

I thought I'd give an update for those of you who were following my thread.

I had a heart to heart with my friend today after work. While the subject of the abuse didn't come up, we did talk about her future, and we talked about her boyfriend. It's apparent she doesn't want to be with him, but she's doing it because it's the easy thing to do at the moment (in her words). I told her that I could relate to that since I was in a relationship that I stuck with despite problems I had because it was easier than being alone).

She's also worried that if she leaves him he will become a bum (because as I mentioned above, somehere, he's been out of work the past six months or so and he is content to leech off of her). I explained to her that while I understand that she worries about him because she obviously still cares for him, that that is not a good enough reason to stay with him, that she is better off without him and life will go on, and I tried to instill in her that she would have a better life without him.

I didn't force any of my opinions on her, I told her how I felt and what I thought she should do, never telling her that it was the only way. This is in no way the last talk I will have with her, but I think (if only a little) that I got through to her. I parted with saying I hope she takes what I said to heart, it's a small step, but I think it's the beginning of something new for her.

Your next talk should include suggesting she stop a shelter for battered women. They won't insist she stay if she doesn't want to but they will offer her alternatives to staying in a bad -- and dangerous -- relationship. Especially because she should never trust the boyfriend to provide infant care.