A Little Understanding, Please

[sbk1234]

I appreciate the supportive comments, folks. Lloyd Dobler, I fully agree. Rather than being "not all bad," I do consider myself blessed to have the boy I do (as well as his two sisters - although he doesn't all see it as a blessing ).

My son is a wonderful boy, and when I see the sensitivity that he has, and his intelligence, I know I'd never want him to be any different.
As a father, I don't want my kids to go through pain. But as an adult human, I know that pain is necessary for all people's normal development, including my kids. I'm sure all parents feel the same way.
One of my greatest fears is that he won't feel accepted, but reading all the different stories has helped remind me that there a lot of people who share similar situations, and find their friends, and their niche.

 

[scotpens]

My son is a really sweet boy, but of course, nobody is perfect. When he talks to you, he'll usually look anywhere but at your face. Sometimes if he's greeted and doesn't feel like talking, he'll be very curt, and say things that are considered rude. He's offended people. It can be embarrassing for us.

He has also been diagnosed with autistic spectrum. He's considered extremely high-functioning. He does well in school, does not need special ed assistance (other than a little counseling, and an IEP to help deal with some of his issues)
He does have a hard time making friends, but he does have a few. They, also seem to have similar issues. As part of this condition, he often misses what most would consider obvious social cues.

Sounds a lot like me when I was growing up. The diagnosis of “autistic spectrum” didn’t exist then. If it had, I probably would have been subjected to all sorts of psychological tests and therapies which wouldn’t have done a damn bit of good. I just grew out of it.

Also, I stopped eating sugar. Don’t know if that helped or not.

 

[ThankQ]

My son is a really sweet boy, but of course, nobody is perfect. When he talks to you, he'll usually look anywhere but at your face. Sometimes if he's greeted and doesn't feel like talking, he'll be very curt, and say things that are considered rude. He's offended people. It can be embarrassing for us.

He has also been diagnosed with autistic spectrum. He's considered extremely high-functioning. He does well in school, does not need special ed assistance (other than a little counseling, and an IEP to help deal with some of his issues)
He does have a hard time making friends, but he does have a few. They, also seem to have similar issues. As part of this condition, he often misses what most would consider obvious social cues.
I've gotten lots of angry, disapproving looks from people we encounter in public. We will continue to get more.
He's not trying to be rude. He doesn't enjoy hurting people's feelings. He just can't help it.
So, please, if my son's (or anyone else's) autism proves inconvenient to you, understand. It's nothing personal. We're all doing the best we can. Be grateful that your own children don't have these "invisible" disabilities, and cut us some slack.

Um, you are posting this on a forum filled with lots of 'high functioning autism' types why?

Rather than throwing your hands in despair and blaming other people for their judgements, maybe you should look at helping your boy develop some useful strategies or techniques for dealing with ordinary people. Surely he appreciates the need to learn to interact with others ... social skills are teachable just like others

Come on Nick, a bit of a heart, here?

Perhaps the man just needs to get some stuff off his chest. Maybe he just needed to share; maybe he's trying to promote awareness and understanding.

You know, I've written several letters to people I care about that I never sent. I don't mean I typed an email, I mean I took out my best pen and some linen paper and I got cozy on the couch, sat under a tree in the park, whatever, and I wrote a letter. Its one of the ways I work through things. Now, no one else has even seen those letters. I usually end up burning them a few months down the road. I'm writing them for myself.

Not to speak for sbk, but maybe he has trouble talking about certain things to loved ones. You know, there are things that everyone knows but no one talks about. Boards like this give us something fairly new to human socialization: You can be anonymous among friends! How cool is that? You can take a load off with people who know a bit about you but you'll never have to face at work or church or school... or the back yard.

Um, you are posting this on a forum filled with lots of 'high functioning autism' types why?

See, I had the exact opposite reaction. I thought, "Hey, a board with a bunch of nerdy scifi types! What a great place to post this!" Of course, this board isn't all nerds. There are some damn spiffy mofos up in this joint. Just pulling out of the air the first one who comes to mind, you think Frontline is socially awkward? I could name 50 more from this board who could walk right up to any person, look them confidently in the eye and with a firm handshake say, "Eric Stratton. Damn glad to meet you."

ordinary people

This phrase makes the babyQ cry

You can (and people have) call me many things, but I, for one, am grateful that one thing no one has ever called me is "ordinary".
-----
I understand some of how sbk and his son must feel. I don't have the greatest social skills of all-time, that's for sure. But that's never really been that important to me. I've had to learn to make it more important in order to have the types of relationships I wanted with others, but it's hard work for me. I totally understand what it's like to be thought of as rude or aloof and even arrogant simply because I didn't play the social game right. The rebuke from others can be very painful. People think there is something wrong about you just because your foci are somewhere other than Emily Post.

sbk, how old is your son? Would Carnige's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" be over his head at whatever his age is?

One thing is certainly true from Nick's less than sensitive post: Social skills can be learned. Learn and practice, learn and practice. He may find it insufferable, who knows. Even if he does, then screw the world. We don't all have to be in a clique of mall-walking teenyboppers. Einstein was socially awkward

 

[sbk1234]

Thank you, ThankQ. Everything you wrote is 100% accurate. I appreciate the support.

 

[ThankQ]

Thank you, ThankQ. Everything you wrote is 100% accurate. I appreciate the support.

Don't mention it for a second. I've never been the smartest kid on the block, but I care much more about what I know than who I know. This seems to be in perfect opposition to what most people find important, but I have always valued truth over comfort.

Don't give up on the boy. Teach him the beauty (and learn it yourself first, if you don't know already) of being unique. I don't mean to make this about me, I really don't, but I just hope I can offer some perspective. Many people don't like me at all. Sometimes it hurts, it really does. Sometimes it make relationships difficult, it really does. When I was younger (I'll be 33 next month) it was often hard for me to understand and accept. I've always been fairly good looking with a healthy sense of humor, so I was never a total outcast, but I was unquestionably outside the "mainstream". When I saw others constantly hanging out with friends at the mall or whatnot, I really questioned myself. But I've come to realize it's far more important to me to be who I am, not who others might like more.

There is something great about people like he and I; while, like other people have, we don't enjoy dozens of acquaintance-type friendships, the few friendships we do have go way, way deep. We don't have room for everyone, but the people we do allow inside have all the room in the world. I'm so happy to be me, and I hope you continue down the path of making your son so happy about being him.

 

[PianoWizzy]

My son is a really sweet boy, but of course, nobody is perfect. When he talks to you, he'll usually look anywhere but at your face. Sometimes if he's greeted and doesn't feel like talking, he'll be very curt, and say things that are considered rude. He's offended people. It can be embarrassing for us.

He has also been diagnosed with autistic spectrum. He's considered extremely high-functioning. He does well in school, does not need special ed assistance (other than a little counseling, and an IEP to help deal with some of his issues)
He does have a hard time making friends, but he does have a few. They, also seem to have similar issues. As part of this condition, he often misses what most would consider obvious social cues.
I've gotten lots of angry, disapproving looks from people we encounter in public. We will continue to get more.
He's not trying to be rude. He doesn't enjoy hurting people's feelings. He just can't help it.
So, please, if my son's (or anyone else's) autism proves inconvenient to you, understand. It's nothing personal. We're all doing the best we can. Be grateful that your own children don't have these "invisible" disabilities, and cut us some slack.

Sooooo.... Asperger's Syndrome?

Now don't look at me like that. I have Asperger's Syndrome myself. It's precisely why I bothered to read your whole post for this topic.

I don't think that how he behaves now, or how others perceive him, should be something to worry terribly about. It is only the fact that social interaction is one of very few things in the universe that we will have a difficulty with learning. But we *do* learn, over time. Often depends on the setting, though.

No, please, don't take that personally. It's just that we, with Asperger's Syndrome, are blunt about things and will express if we're uncomfortable about something, if we don't like something, if we don't agree with something. We're not purposefully rude, so don't call it that; we just project differently.

This is really nothing more than a different way of thinking. Don't look at this like a disease, or a disorder, a disability, an illness, a condition, or a weakness. It really isn't, in the big picture. Like, the really, REALLY big picture. The picture of the universe, per se. We paint the universe a different color.

We're bound to offend a lot of people, but social graces is probably one of very few disadvantages we might have. We're more logical thinkers, we're straightforward, honest, hardworking, and the only thing that *actually* offends us is an insult to our intelligence and talents. We don't make a lot of friends because that's a commitment, and when we make one, we want to be prepared and be ensured that we can fulfill that kind of role as a friend all the way through, so that while we don't have many acquaintances, we have deep eternal friendships. So you don't have to worry about that either. This applies to all relationships. We also interact best with those who share our line of thinking, or at least, a similar line of thinking, or those who appreciate our company, and there are those out there as well. One of my best friends is someone who one might see as my personality opposite, except our sense of humor. Another one of my best friends, my boyfriend, is someone who I can find easy to interact with because we have the exact same line of thinking.

So no, nobody's perfect, but no one is better than anyone else, no one is in worse condition; don't underestimate the potential of your son because he doesn't interact well with people. See that it's an advantage, rather, for a future, for a bigger picture.



Yuck, I'm as talkative as a typical woman....


Oh yeah, an FYI, once we've accepted an identity of sorts, we won't like to be changed. Well, we don't like change in general. A simple shift can rapidly affect all kinds of minuscule factors in our perception and thinking.

 

[Mary Ann]

sbk, welcome to the club. My 10-year-old son has autism spectrum disorder. He has the highest possible statement for a special needs child in a mainstream primary school and we're in the middle of a fight to get him into the only suitable special needs secondary school (he wouldn't be able to cope with a mainstream secondary school, which is where the county wants to send him).

My son has a severe speech impediment and he didn't speak 'til he was almost 4, but he's almost impossible to shut up now and has a wicked sense of humour, which is unusual for autistic kids. He's a very fussy eater and very intelligent when it comes to math and science. His reading skills are good but his spelling and handwriting are at a much lower level, to the point where his one-to-one classroom helper often scribes for him or he uses a laptop. His eye contact and overall social skills have improved remarkably over the past few years, and he's saying "please" and "thank you" at appropriate times. Most adults who meet him adore him and his classmates are patient with him and accept him for who he is, but he can't really relate to kids his own age because his emotional, social and behavioural levels are so much below theirs. He is rigid when it come to routines and still throws the occasional tantrum, but his improvement over the past few years is beyond what we'd dared to hope for.

As for strangers judging him, here's the irony: my son was one of those toddlers who screamed non-stop. No one could look at him, never mind speak to him, without setting off a tantrum. The glares and comments from complete strangers about what a horrible child my son was and what a horrible parent I must be didn't help. The thing is, he looked "normal". Nowadays, however, most strangers recognise almost immediately that he has special needs, not just because of his speech impediment, but because his sometimes unusual facial expressions and the way he moves his body. He doesn't have tics, but his gestures are much more like those of a toddler rather than those of a preteen. Oi, the irony...

 

[Jadzia]

Don't mention it for a second. I've never been the smartest kid on the block, but I care much more about what I know than who I know. This seems to be in perfect opposition to what most people find important, but I have always valued truth over comfort.

I think it's important for people to distinguish between what is their personality from what is problematic. Intellectual people will naturally express a stronger than average preference for truth, while socialites will naturally express a stronger than average preference for friendships and popularity.

So when these two groups collide, there is a noticeable contrast in personality, to the extent that they can struggle to understand each other. In this modern age of labels and tablets, it's become very easy for society to interpret these non-understandings as being pathological in nature.

I believe that MBTI can help all people to be aware of how and why different personality types don't understand other types, and also help you to distinguish between what is just personality from what is truly a problem.

We don't enjoy dozens of acquaintance-type friendships, the few friendships we do have go way, way deep. We don't have room for everyone, but the people we do allow inside have all the room in the world.

For example, what you've written here is just your introversion, as described in MBTI terms. This is perfectly normal and doesn't need to be questioned. It's important to not confuse it with shyness, which is a problem.

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/extraversion-or-introversion.asp

 

[sbk1234]

PianoWizzy, I really didn't look at you that way. Really. We have had him checked, and evaluated. We asked about Aspberger's. His diagnosis is Autistic Spectrum. I admit, that was very scary to me the first time it was said. I was thinking Rainman. Shows how little I knew about it at the time.
I do appreciate all the imput. It's nice to know that he's not that unique after all, in regards to this. I know it's just who he is. I should be more concerned with the fact that he's almost a teenager!
Again, thanks all for the support. Hopefully people who don't have the experience with children like my son will have gained a little insight from reading this thread.