The case of the flying cake!

[An Officer]

So, I decide to bake my first cake since the age of 13. And I chose the simplest cake of all, a sponge cake, with a cardamom twist, as I can never get enough cardamom, it goes in my tea, in my rice, I've even smoked it... but that's another story for another day.

Anyway, I spend half an afternoon shopping for the ingredients to make this thing. I follow the recipe as precisely as I can, weighing and measuring to the last millimetre, pre-heating this, and greasing that. Prep time alone took an hour and a half (the kitchen is not my natural habitat, although I really do try very hard). Then the recipe called for "folding" in the flour, I had no idea what that was, but gamely took my whisk in hand, and beat the flour in, in my best estimation of folding (which I thought a funny thing to do to a cake mix anyway) and happily tucked it into the oven, satisfied with a job well done.

The cooking time should have been 45 mins...
Two hours and forty-five minutes later (it took me that long to loose hope that my cake could not be salvaged), the centre was still soggy, and the the entire thing was flat as a pancake and had the texture of old rubber.

After cleaning the fine spray of eggs and flour that had spattered everywhere after my enthusiastic whisking, and disinfecting the counter tops, and washing several large cake mixers and containers by hand (the dishwasher was already full at this stage as I had apparently used every container in the flat for my work of art). It had been a disastrous ordeal of four hours' hapless work on my feet, after a very long day out, and I'd skipped dinner in favour of having a slice of homemade sponge cake, my humour by this point was entirely gone.

I'd convinced myself I was going to bake a fantastic cake you see (in only 45 minutes of course - easy peasy), then I was going to eat it in front of X-Factor, with my tea, basking in my masterful handiwork... and when I found my plans and hard work dashed, and I'd missed my show, plus any time to unwind and chill out before bed, I had a moment of madness... the window was wide open to let out the heat of the oven which had been going for hours .... I took the cake and flung it clear out in a fit of completely unrestrained pique. And yes, I felt curiously satisfied and better for it.

Well, it landed in the garden of my mad-as-a-hatter neighbour. I mean this lady really takes the cake, if you get my meaning. If it had been anyone else's garden, I would have gone straight over there (after calming myself), explained the situation, apologised, had a giggle, and I would have retrieved the cake personally from her grass-beds to place in my own bin. As it was, I would rather go into the den of lions who hadn't been fed for a week then to this lady's home (even the postmen avoid her - I'm serious!). So I said and did nothing, although I felt bad about it.

What would you have done? Have you ever thrown out or smashed anything in rage? If so, were there embarrassing consequences to deal with? Did you feel guilty or satisfied afterwards?

 

[Lindley]

The point of folding rather than beating or mixing in an ingredient is to be more gentle with the ingredients you have already. There could be a variety of reasons for this: maybe to avoid breaking up some ingredient too much, maybe to avoid activating the gluten in dough prematurely, maybe to avoid activating yeast.

 

[KimMH]

Funny story! I too spend as little time as necc in our kitchen, my hubs does most of the cooking although I do make a mean bowl of cold cereal if I do say so myself . . .

In the wee hours of our marriage a mixing bowl did find itself flying towards same spouse. He ducked and all is forgiven and I've never been tempted to throw anything else like that again at a person - once I realized how much it could have hurt him. But the impulse of the moment - yes, I do understand.

BTW, if she ends up with birds in her garden she might like that!

 

[Holdfast]

I had a moment of madness... the window was wide open to let out the heat of the oven which had been going for hours .... I took the cake and flung it clear out in a fit of completely unrestrained pique. And yes, I felt curiously satisfied and better for it.

Keep trying.

A few more baking attempts, and we'll have a discus champion by the time London 2012 rolls around.


(folding is softly lifting and turning the mixture with a metal spoon/spatula, to preserve air and lightness in the mix... to prevent it not rising and going rubbery. You could use a plastic spoon instead, but absolutely do no use a wooden spoon, and metal is best. If you can't visualise what folding looks like, watch a few relevant cookery programmes on the telly... or youtube may well have something useful.)

 

[Owain Taggart]

Heh, sounds like an idea for a reality show. You could have said, "Look, Ma'am. I saw the most amazing thing the other day. I saw a cake fly and it was shaped like a pig, it did."

 

[An Officer]

^
I can imagine hatter-lady trying to tell this story to others... "you know, I found a cake in my garden the other day...."
Since she's been planting all manner of things, they'll think she's finally lost it and has convinced herself she's grown a cardamom cake among the vegetables overnight! She has said much stranger things in the past, so this won't seem at all out of place for her.

BTW, if she ends up with birds in her garden she might like that!

Only thing she'll get around here are flying rats. I do think even the pigeons would have trouble digesting that cake.

She already puts out old bread or some such to attract "birds", but all I've seen are pigeons, and because of her, we've had to invest in pigeon control spikes on the windows since the blasted things decided to use us as their local bathroom.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Great story. I'd love to be hiding in your neighbor's garden when she finds the dead cake.

Have you ever thrown out or smashed anything in rage? If so, were there embarrassing consequences to deal with? Did you feel guilty or satisfied afterwards?

Yeah, I've broken a couple things, but nothing that anyone else ever had to know about. So, guilt and satisfaction, but no embarrassment.

 

[Captain Ice]

Nope - never had that problem, though I'm pretty decent in the kitchen, so I usually don't end up throwing things because they didn't turn out. Things only get thrown in my kitchen when an uninvited person enters the kitchen.

Seriously.


I hate having others in the kitchen with me when I cook. They usually get in the way and disrupt my concentration.

 

[Alidar Jarok]

(folding is softly lifting and turning the mixture with a metal spoon/spatula, to preserve air and lightness in the mix... to prevent it not rising and going rubbery.

What would I have done? Probably about the same thing. I guess it depends on how obvious it was where the cake came from.

The worst I've ever thrown are books (usually because they're very boring). I've had to stop since my casebooks weigh enough that I'd probably break something.

 

[KimMH]

She already puts out old bread or some such to attract "birds", but all I've seen are pigeons, and because of her, we've had to invest in pigeon control spikes on the windows since the blasted things decided to use us as their local bathroom.

Pigeon spikes? Intriguing. We had an infestation on our porch - they thought our eaves the perfect roosting place. Throwing those eggs into the street gave me a horrible satisfaction. We sprayed the area with WD-40 - it actually helped! The main ingredient is fish-oil. Evidently they don't like the smell. That or it was my murder of their eggs . . .

 

[BolianAuthor]

So, I decide to bake my first cake since the age of 13. And I chose the simplest cake of all, a sponge cake, with a cardamom twist, as I can never get enough cardamom, it goes in my tea, in my rice, I've even smoked it... but that's another story for another day.

Anyway, I spend half an afternoon shopping for the ingredients to make this thing. I follow the recipe as precisely as I can, weighing and measuring to the last millimetre, pre-heating this, and greasing that. Prep time alone took an hour and a half (the kitchen is not my natural habitat, although I really do try very hard). Then the recipe called for "folding" in the flour, I had no idea what that was, but gamely took my whisk in hand, and beat the flour in, in my best estimation of folding (which I thought a funny thing to do to a cake mix anyway) and happily tucked it into the oven, satisfied with a job well done.

The cooking time should have been 45 mins...
Two hours and forty-five minutes later (it took me that long to loose hope that my cake could not be salvaged), the centre was still soggy, and the the entire thing was flat as a pancake and had the texture of old rubber.

After cleaning the fine spray of eggs and flour that had spattered everywhere after my enthusiastic whisking, and disinfecting the counter tops, and washing several large cake mixers and containers by hand (the dishwasher was already full at this stage as I had apparently used every container in the flat for my work of art). It had been a disastrous ordeal of four hours' hapless work on my feet, after a very long day out, and I'd skipped dinner in favour of having a slice of homemade sponge cake, my humour by this point was entirely gone.

I'd convinced myself I was going to bake a fantastic cake you see (in only 45 minutes of course - easy peasy), then I was going to eat it in front of X-Factor, with my tea, basking in my masterful handiwork... and when I found my plans and hard work dashed, and I'd missed my show, plus any time to unwind and chill out before bed, I had a moment of madness... the window was wide open to let out the heat of the oven which had been going for hours .... I took the cake and flung it clear out in a fit of completely unrestrained pique. And yes, I felt curiously satisfied and better for it.

Well, it landed in the garden of my mad-as-a-hatter neighbour. I mean this lady really takes the cake, if you get my meaning. If it had been anyone else's garden, I would have gone straight over there (after calming myself), explained the situation, apologised, had a giggle, and I would have retrieved the cake personally from her grass-beds to place in my own bin. As it was, I would rather go into the den of lions who hadn't been fed for a week then to this lady's home (even the postmen avoid her - I'm serious!). So I said and did nothing, although I felt bad about it.

What would you have done? Have you ever thrown out or smashed anything in rage? If so, were there embarrassing consequences to deal with? Did you feel guilty or satisfied afterwards?

Funny story... I can just visualize some detectives in the old lady's yard, kneeling down beside the cake, and contemplating the point of origin and trajectory of the late cake.

 

[An Officer]

^
Columbo might have got it, but I very much doubt local government drone workers could.

Pigeon spikes? Intriguing. We had an infestation on our porch - they thought our eaves the perfect roosting place. Throwing those eggs into the street gave me a horrible satisfaction. We sprayed the area with WD-40 - it actually helped! The main ingredient is fish-oil. Evidently they don't like the smell. That or it was my murder of their eggs . . .

I think it might have been the eggs part that did it! Oh, I love that! Any stories which involve the suffering of pigeons please me immensely. It's evil of me, but I was elbow deep cleaning pigeon droppings every morning for weeks, hoping regularly chasing them away would dissuade future visits - no such luck, they really liked it there.

I hadn't heard of the fish oil thing before - funny how these things work! Our spikes worked like a dream, too. It's physically impossible for them to land unless they want to be stabbed to ribbons.
There is another favourite ridge of theirs which cannot be reached in order to install the spikes, but I have become a crack-shot with plastic pellets from a toy gun, and after a few days of painful but not deadly body-shots, I haven't seen a pigeon there since, I guess they do have a very good memory when it suits them. I would have opted for shooting them off the closer spot too, but they always heard me coming, and simply returned for their scheduled fouling later. A shame, as point blank range would have been ecstasy for me.

 

[KimMH]

^^^ alas for my humanity that I understand perfectly! I am too poor a shot with ANYTHING to hit them - a pellet gun had I the neccesary accuracy would be a dream! I had to settle for Ovocide instead.

 

[LitmusDragon]

I too had a pigeon problem and now have pigeon spikes all over my apartment balcony. Makes it feel a little like a fortress. I tried the fake plastic owl before the spikes but they weren't falling for it.

Vile creatures, those pigeons.

 

[kes7]

Strangely enough, I love to cook and am really good at it ... but I REFUSE to bake.

I went through a period of trying to bake because I thought it's what good wives and mothers do, and then I was like, "You know what? This sucks. It's tedious and boring. It's so fussy and precise and uses all these ridiculous terms and measurements. I hate it and I'm not going to do it anymore. If I need a cake, I'll go pay a professional." It was very freeing.

And oldstredshrtevr, you really threw a mixing bowl at your husband?!

 

[An Officer]

Exactly! I was shocked at how complicated baking is... I thought it would be fun and easy, but boy was I mistaken. I've cooked some out-there main dishes first time without a problem, but there's a real skill involved in baking. No wonder grannies are the best at it... probably takes that long to get any good!

Oh, and I tried again the following night, using the proper "folding" technique, and I had my cake and ate it.
Thank you to everyone who provided tips and hints!

I'm not too eager to try again though... way too much hard work involved.

 

[Holdfast]

^ Congratulations!

Baking is like a science experiment; dead easy if you just follow the methodology to the letter. Do not innovate, do not improvise, unless it's part of a series of small-scale experiments to determine the best formula for a new recipe. Deviate and the experiment won't be replicated correctly, so the cake doesn't come out right. It's not for people who improvise in their cooking or judge things by eye. It rewards being meticulous and really quite obsessively precise. I used to like it as a kid but nowadays I find it too time-consuming to be rewarding. Still can knock up a decent Victoria Sponge if duty calls though.

She already puts out old bread or some such to attract "birds", but all I've seen are pigeons, and because of her, we've had to invest in pigeon control spikes on the windows since the blasted things decided to use us as their local bathroom.

Pigeon spikes? Intriguing. We had an infestation on our porch - they thought our eaves the perfect roosting place. Throwing those eggs into the street gave me a horrible satisfaction. We sprayed the area with WD-40 - it actually helped! The main ingredient is fish-oil. Evidently they don't like the smell. That or it was my murder of their eggs . . .

You can also get those anti-pigeon sonic devices that emit an high-frequency noise when the pigeon lands within range. They're pretty damn effective. Just make sure they get tuned to a high enough frequency, or you'll be able to hear the alarm and it's bloody annoying. I remember once having to complain to the Estates department at work because the ones they used weren't correctly tuned. Probably because the Estates guy was old enough not to hear the sound due to presbycusis but everyone under about 40 could hear it.

 

[An Officer]

^ Interesting idea, but it's not nearly violent enough for my purposes.

Next on the list - gluten free organic muffins. Bought the muffin tray yesterday, but I'll need at least a month to recover from the trauma of my last baking exercise.

 

[Captain Ice]

Exactly! I was shocked at how complicated baking is... I thought it would be fun and easy, but boy was I mistaken. I've cooked some out-there main dishes first time without a problem, but there's a real skill involved in baking.

Oh, and I tried again the following night, using the proper "folding" technique, and I had my cake and ate it.
Thank you to everyone who provided tips and hints!

I'm not too eager to try again though... way too much hard work involved.

Congrats on getting the cake done and eating it too.

^ Interesting idea, but it's not nearly violent enough for my purposes.

Next on the list - gluten free organic muffins. Bought the muffin tray yesterday, but I'll need at least a month to recover from the trauma of my last baking exercise.

Perhaps it's just that I've been cooking forever, but I somehow find baking relaxing. My doctor and my scale, however, much, much, much prefer that i not bake though, so I only do so for birthdays/holidays.

One other thing that I forgot to mention...Over the last few years, I've learned when trying a new recipe when baking to try it at least twice because I always, inevitably fuck it up the first time. My first cheesecake came out course and runny because I didn't leave it in the mixer long enough. I discovered the second time that it takes about an hour to get it smooth.

 

[KimMH]

I too had a pigeon problem and now have pigeon spikes all over my apartment balcony. Makes it feel a little like a fortress. I tried the fake plastic owl before the spikes but they weren't falling for it.

Vile creatures, those pigeons.

agreed !

Strangely enough, I love to cook and am really good at it ... but I REFUSE to bake.

I went through a period of trying to bake because I thought it's what good wives and mothers do, and then I was like, "You know what? This sucks. It's tedious and boring. It's so fussy and precise and uses all these ridiculous terms and measurements. I hate it and I'm not going to do it anymore. If I need a cake, I'll go pay a professional." It was very freeing.

And oldstredshrtevr, you really threw a mixing bowl at your husband?!

That was many years ago. Still married - but it may explain in part why he doesn't particularly like me in his kitchen!

I don't cook much but do like to bake once in a while. It feels less like work than the daily grind of "what to make today?"

Hubs gets irritated at me when asking what I want my response is usually - "Whatever you feel like making." If I'm not making it myself I really don't feel like I should dictate.