Questions for those with spouses/significant others

[propita]

Hubby says he "tunes me out" sometimes. Ok, I won't hassle him (too much) about that, but have you run into this:


You've said something to your spouse/sig-other and they never heard you say it? I'm not talking about something minor while they're reading the paper but something that kinda matters.

They're so wrapped up in what they're thinking that they swear they mentioned something to you, but never did? This is given away by the fact that they have no idea when they said it.


I laugh and tell Hubby he's lucky that I don't take advantage of this, claiming this happened when it didn't. I've told him that he should stop having conversations in his mind so much and actually speak.

 

[Kestra]

My husband is incredibly absentminded and regularly doesn't absorb what other people are saying, myself included. Sometimes it's endearing, sometimes it's annoying as hell. He's also so absentminded I'll slip keys into his pocket or give him my purse to hold and several minutes later he'll go "Where did this come from?"

 

[Teelie]

Not limited to women getting the deaf ear. My wife does this all the time. It can be very frustrating when you try to have a conversation and they're off in their own minds or distracted by something and just completely miss what you were saying. Sometimes I do it too, although it's almost always because I have headphones on and can't hear.

 

[Shatnertage]

Yes, this does happen to us. It's not that we tune each other out; I guess things just don't register sometimes.

When we had infant-induced sleep deprivation, neither of us could really be sure if we had actually told the other whatever it was. It's a little better now, but half of the time I'm not even sure if I said what I thought I said.

Definitely adds some surprises to the day!

 

[Alpinemaps]

Oh, it drives me nuts! But it's part of who she is, and I love it.

Mrs. Alpinemaps can't multitask. She can't watch TV, or play Farmville, and have a conversation with me. I've learned not to even bother until she's not busy.

 

[1001001]

I hear about 50% of what my wife says. It's a necessary filter to keep our marriage intact.

I always tell her if it's important, make sure you tell me 2-3 times, and make sure you get a coherent response that indicates I understood.

 

[Mr Light]

My fiancee never listens to what I tell her I'll tell her three separate times that day what tv shows are on that night, and then come 8 she's shocked when I say come in so and so is starting! She says you never told me! I say I told you on three separate occasions!

 

[McCoy]

I must admit to tuning my wife out quite often. For my own sanity.

She's quite self-absorbed, so she rarely talks about anything outside her own experience. She's also very negative, so the topics are typically about what's wrong with her life. Finally, she's the kind of person who isn't looking for you to help her fix her problems; she just wants a shoulder to cry on. It was years before I realized that when I (a problem-solver by nature) try to give her suggestions on tactics and strategies to improve her lot, she gets angry at me.

Still love her though.

 

[propita]

I hear about 50% of what my wife says. It's a necessary filter to keep our marriage intact.

I always tell her if it's important, make sure you tell me 2-3 times, and make sure you get a coherent response that indicates I understood.

I take after my father (really terrible memory), so Hubby says the same thing to me as Mom said to Dad, "Do I have to hit you in the head with a two-by-four to get your attention for you to remember something?"

 

[Mr Awe]

Absent minded people drive me nuts. Barring a medical condition that causes it, it's really just laziness, a lack of focus and attention. I know that these people like to doll it up by saying their mind is elsewhere, thinking about higher things, or what not. But it's really just a lack of attention and focus. Sometimes they'll imply that it has a genetic cause, that their parents had it. No, it's just a learned behavior.

I say that as someone who had these tendencies. But, attention and focus are just skills that you can learn and practice. Sure, like any skill, people will naturally be better or worse at it. But, you can practice and refine these skills.

To put it off as just being "absent minded", as if there was nothing to be done, it's just laziness.

I do appreciate the other thing some posters have written about, the filtering of what their SO has said. Now, that's a separate thing!

Mr Awe

 

[RevDMV]

As the old saying goes, my job is to forget, my wife remembers everything.

No reason for two of us to be unhappy....

Seriously, I've had to start taking notes, it's the only way.

 

[propita]

Well, yeah, I'm lazy. I'm also forgetful--I have a nice bunch of bad brain connections, with a few that are superb. Yet I'm able to remember truly useless information that I'd rather forget. Hubby calls it "a selective memory with no one controlling the selections."

 

[Mary Ann]

Well, yeah, I'm lazy. I'm also forgetful--I have a nice bunch of bad brain connections, with a few that are superb. Yet I'm able to remember truly useless information that I'd rather forget. Hubby calls it "a selective memory with no one controlling the selections."

Heh, this describes me to a T!

While my husband's memory is better than mine his listening skills are crap. I can have what I think is his full attention and have him looking at me while I'm telling him something and he'll still deny all knowledge when I talk to him about it later. It's infuriating but he has to put up with my having to have reminders all over the place, so fair is fair.

 

[star]

After 13 years of marriage, this is pretty much par for the course.

It's not really chronic... more of a once and a while thing that leads to misunderstandings. We both are guilty of both things mentioned in the OP.

No biggie.

 

[Flying Spaghetti Monster]

"Sorry captain. It might be because of the banality filter that we have installed!"
Janeway: "Disengage the filter, lieutenant."

 

[Misfit Toy]

After 13 years of marriage, this is pretty much par for the course.

It's not really chronic... more of a once and a while thing that leads to misunderstandings. We both are guilty of both things mentioned in the OP.

No biggie.

Pretty much the same here after 25 years. My wife has a few misfiring neurons anyway - so we try to ensure that we communicate effectively. We only use the two-by-fours when absolutely necessary.

 

[iguana_tonante]

For the OP: I guess everybody incur in that sometimes. Some more often than others. I guess it's just the way things are.

Absent minded people drive me nuts. Barring a medical condition that causes it, it's really just laziness, a lack of focus and attention. I know that these people like to doll it up by saying their mind is elsewhere, thinking about higher things, or what not. But it's really just a lack of attention and focus. Sometimes they'll imply that it has a genetic cause, that their parents had it. No, it's just a learned behavior.

I say that as someone who had these tendencies. But, attention and focus are just skills that you can learn and practice. Sure, like any skill, people will naturally be better or worse at it. But, you can practice and refine these skills.

To put it off as just being "absent minded", as if there was nothing to be done, it's just laziness.

Or maybe you should try and say more interesting things.

 

[propita]

"Sorry captain. It might be because of the banality filter that we have installed!"
Janeway: "Disengage the filter, lieutenant."

Just last night, I was talking to Hubby while watching tv. I got distracted and couldn't remember what I was saying. Talked about something else, then he distracted me and I couldn't remember what I was saying. Talked about something else and--with no real distractions--couldn't remember what I was saying.

He's looking at me like "WTF?" and all I could say was, "I guess it really wasn't important."


This is why I have a wipe-board, so I can just list chores, errands, and appointments.

 

[wissaboo]

on too many occasions to count my husband will interupt me and ask me a question that I just told him the answer to. I've often thought I should write important stuff down and get him to sign it.

 

[bluedana]

This is why I text and email my husband rather than call him during the day. I told him the other day, "Whenever you say 'I told you about XYZ, right?', assume you haven't. Every time you say that, it's the first time I'm hearing about it." He just has so many things going on that he can't remember every conversation. For my part, I remind him of stuff constantly -- but gently, in advance.