Love this
How about a Star Trek loving boyfriend?
Garth, this girl sounds more than just clingy. She sounds like she is extremely needy and manipulative (that whole thing about trying to drive wedges between friends in your group. What is this? Junior high?). Further, she sounds like she has some very real issues with boundaries (calling at 3 am, leaving inappropriate text messages, etc - that's just plain scary, IMO).
I don't think this is a girl capable of taking a subtle hint, so forget that idea. I think you need to lay it out for her, and lay it out soon. Because I agree with the others - the longer you drag this out, the messier it will be to cut her off.
For someone who I suspect has the issues she does, if you leave it to go on like this, she will take it as you 'leading her on' (even though you are not). People with these sorts of boundary issues take any passive acceptance of a situation as enthusiastic participation...and you don't want her continuing along those lines, for obvious reasons.
Good luck!
I don't think this is a girl capable of taking a subtle hint, so forget that idea. I think you need to lay it out for her, and lay it out soon. Because I agree with the others - the longer you drag this out, the messier it will be to cut her off.
For someone who I suspect has the issues she does, if you leave it to go on like this, she will take it as you 'leading her on' (even though you are not). People with these sorts of boundary issues take any passive acceptance of a situation as enthusiastic participation...and you don't want her continuing along those lines, for obvious reasons.
Good luck!
Angela 0077
Captain
No you do not sleep with her if this woman is like what you said this will upset her more.
Be blunt tell her how you feel about the situation
The problem is that women can be emational and needy when a marriage has broken down and they will cling if a person understands what they are going through.
That is why she is coming to you it is not sex it is to feel loved.
We dont know what type of marrage she was in and if ot was bad l could proberly understand why she is like she is at this momment
L
Lord Garth
Guest
Even if JW were serious, I wouldn't take advice like that anyway.
I got a reply to the message I sent out and no texts since.
I got a reply to the message I sent out and no texts since.
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
Well? What did she say?
I don't mean to be presumptuous here, and I'm certainly not expecting you to relay everything verbatim, but it's a little attention-whore-y to make a big deal about this whole issue, tell us you sent her a message (but not what the message said, fair enough) and then tell us she's replied but not what she's said.
Granted, you don't have to tell us anything, I just think after all the hullabaloo people who took the time to read this thread, let alone offer up advice, would like to know how it all turned out.
We demand our entertainment, damn it! 
Seriously, though, what'd she say?
Seriously, though, what'd she say?
Ablative_Oberth
Lieutenant Commander
Obviously she killed him. End of story.
*roll credits*
*roll credits*
L
Lord Garth
Guest
Look, I'll talk about this later. As in if not later tonight, then tomorrow.
Give me a little bit of space. All right? Thanks.
Give me a little bit of space. All right? Thanks.
L
Lord Garth
Guest
It's "later" enough. We're just friends. That's all we're going to be. There were some things she didn't understand, there were some things I didn't understand. Boundaries are settled.
Now. This is not CNN. This is not some juicy gossip column. This is my fucking life.
Now. This is not CNN. This is not some juicy gossip column. This is my fucking life.
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
Eleven minutes is "later enough?"
No one suggested this was "some juicy gossip column." You came here and asked for advice, and as the thread went on you elaborated on the situation. I submit that it's only natural people would want to know how it all turned out. There's no reason to be so sensitive about this.
It's good you've set your boundaries, but lighten up dude.
L
Lord Garth
Guest
I was going to take a shower, it usually helps my mind, and have a drink. I changed my mind. I might still have that drink, though.
I'll lighten up, a little a time. But not tonight. Definitely not tonight. It's not some on-and-off switch but, don't worry, it's not you. It's the situation.
Things are going to be better now, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment. If you have to know, she did end up crying.
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
Sorry to hear that.
But as has been pointed out by others and illustrated by your explanations, that can't be all too surprising. I just re-read this entire thread and it sounds to me like on top of everything else, she's just plain manipulative. Not in a mustache-twirling, I'm-gonna-get-you way, but more along the lines of "This is the only way I know how to be" kind of way.
That's not your fault, nor is it your problem really. You can't save people from themselves. Sometimes, they have to go through whatever motions, whatever pain and experiences it takes to get them to wake up and make the changes in their lives they need to. Two years ago, I was involved in something that was just all kinds of bad for me but continued to hold out hope that I could turn it in to something positive and worthwhile and my friends -- all of them -- saw long before I did that it was a dead end and that I needed to cut my losses and get the hell out of said mess.
They intervened, they called me out, they yelled at me even. I almost lost one friend over the whole debacle when it devolved in to a bitter fight over email. But eventually I came to my senses and realized what a stupid mistake I'd been making and got myself out of it.
Based on these very comments at the beginning of the thread, it's clear that you
A) Don't want to hurt anyone
B) Are supremely irritated with her
and
C) Have been dealing with this issue for quite a while.
I guess my confusion here though is why you are being so adversely affected by this? If the whole point has been to get her to knock it off and leave you alone, it sounds like you accomplished that goal. If she really is as manipulative as you have suggested (and as the crying seems to further support), and if it really has been taxing on you and your friendships with others, I'm confused as to why you are letting her upset you?
My advice: Mission accomplished. You made your position clear, now leave it behind you. Assuming you were candid but polite about it in your message, leave it be. If she continues to hassle you, take off your gloves and tell her to knock it off.
But as has been pointed out by others and illustrated by your explanations, that can't be all too surprising. I just re-read this entire thread and it sounds to me like on top of everything else, she's just plain manipulative. Not in a mustache-twirling, I'm-gonna-get-you way, but more along the lines of "This is the only way I know how to be" kind of way.
That's not your fault, nor is it your problem really. You can't save people from themselves. Sometimes, they have to go through whatever motions, whatever pain and experiences it takes to get them to wake up and make the changes in their lives they need to. Two years ago, I was involved in something that was just all kinds of bad for me but continued to hold out hope that I could turn it in to something positive and worthwhile and my friends -- all of them -- saw long before I did that it was a dead end and that I needed to cut my losses and get the hell out of said mess.
They intervened, they called me out, they yelled at me even. I almost lost one friend over the whole debacle when it devolved in to a bitter fight over email. But eventually I came to my senses and realized what a stupid mistake I'd been making and got myself out of it.
Based on these very comments at the beginning of the thread, it's clear that you
A) Don't want to hurt anyone
B) Are supremely irritated with her
and
C) Have been dealing with this issue for quite a while.
I guess my confusion here though is why you are being so adversely affected by this? If the whole point has been to get her to knock it off and leave you alone, it sounds like you accomplished that goal. If she really is as manipulative as you have suggested (and as the crying seems to further support), and if it really has been taxing on you and your friendships with others, I'm confused as to why you are letting her upset you?
My advice: Mission accomplished. You made your position clear, now leave it behind you. Assuming you were candid but polite about it in your message, leave it be. If she continues to hassle you, take off your gloves and tell her to knock it off.
L
Lord Garth
Guest
It would be easier if there wasn't five years of friendship, or five years of what I thought was friendship. A friendship that doesn't go beyond friendship, I'm fine with.
Knowing I have to do something, and going through with it are two different things. But it will pass. It's going to be better because I'm not going to be constantly annoyed anymore.
As for the wedge, anyone who's followed my posts over the past decade knows I want nothing more than to bridge sides together and be able to be on good terms with both sides. That's just how I am. If such a thing is feasible, that's almost always the first thing I go for. The peace sign in my avatar isn't just for show.
And yeah, the crying bothered me because, no, I don't want to hurt anyone. "Mission: Accomplished", yes, but that doesn't particularly mean I'm going to enjoy it. If it's a victory, it's a bitter-tasting one, like when I was a kid and I had a cold, and my parents gave me Robitussin. I hated how that tasted. Of course now, they have Robitussin in pill form. I would've loved to have had that 25 years ago.
But, anyway, for all I know I might be manipulated right now, but now that I've broken the ice and finally spoken up, the worst of it is over. I don't feel like I have to hide anything anymore. The hardest part was finally saying something.
I wouldn't have if I didn't start a thread here. My friends would've (and have) just sympathized with my frustration and felt bad for me. I know what they'd say. Here, I don't know what people will say, and I got the necessary push out of my comfort zone to take care of a greater discomfort.
Talking about this is already really helping. I'm starting to sound back to normal again, the more I type.
Knowing I have to do something, and going through with it are two different things. But it will pass. It's going to be better because I'm not going to be constantly annoyed anymore.
As for the wedge, anyone who's followed my posts over the past decade knows I want nothing more than to bridge sides together and be able to be on good terms with both sides. That's just how I am. If such a thing is feasible, that's almost always the first thing I go for. The peace sign in my avatar isn't just for show.
And yeah, the crying bothered me because, no, I don't want to hurt anyone. "Mission: Accomplished", yes, but that doesn't particularly mean I'm going to enjoy it. If it's a victory, it's a bitter-tasting one, like when I was a kid and I had a cold, and my parents gave me Robitussin. I hated how that tasted. Of course now, they have Robitussin in pill form. I would've loved to have had that 25 years ago.
But, anyway, for all I know I might be manipulated right now, but now that I've broken the ice and finally spoken up, the worst of it is over. I don't feel like I have to hide anything anymore. The hardest part was finally saying something.
I wouldn't have if I didn't start a thread here. My friends would've (and have) just sympathized with my frustration and felt bad for me. I know what they'd say. Here, I don't know what people will say, and I got the necessary push out of my comfort zone to take care of a greater discomfort.
Talking about this is already really helping. I'm starting to sound back to normal again, the more I type.
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
That's good. Keep talking. I'm sure no one thinks ill of you for feeling the way you do, and let's face it; you didn't set out to hurt this girl's feelings. You're just looking out for you.
And in this age of confusingly super-narcissistic altruism, it may feel like that's not something you should be doing, but sometimes it really is the only thing you can do.
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